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POLITICAL AMERICANS: SATIRE FOR THE END OF DEMOCRACY



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“COAL MINERS’ SLAUGHTER” WINS JOE MANCHIN YACHT NAMING CONTEST



“The contest was very close,” said Jeffrey Mayfield, a senior at West Virginia
University, the first in his family of coal miners to go to college. “We had
16,593 West Virginians from across the state submit their ideas to rename
Senator Joe Manchin’s yacht, with Coal Miners’ Slaughter winning with 46% of the
final vote.” (Note: short list below.)

“The current name of Machin’s yacht, Almost Heaven,” continued Mayfield, “is an
insult to hardworking West Virginians who are struggling just to get access to
basic healthcare and the childcare resources families need to survive—especially
as we face ongoing challenges with COVID. But when Manchin decided to deny West
Virginians, and all Americans, reasonable access to ballot boxes so we can
fulfill our constitutional right to vote—we decided to have a vote of our own.
Because this guy and his entire family are bullshit.”

West Virginia Coal Miner at work


“There is no way,” Senator Manchin said via Zoom interview from his yacht, “I’m
going to sacrifice my personal wealth or the financial interests of my family
for the well being of West Virginians. These people who are complaining have
bosses just like I do. Would you tell your boss that you’re going to vote ‘yes’
for healthcare or voting rights—knowing he’ll stop paying you? I don’t think so.
Your boss may be a guy in the retail business or an insurance company. My bosses
are in fossil fuel and healthcare companies. It’s the same damn situation.”

“Sure,” Manchin elaborated, “we may have a 16% poverty rate in West Virginia,
that’s about 280,000 West Virginians who are broke and struggling to survive.
And you know who is responsible for their poverty? They are. Poor people are
poor because they’re lazy and they’ve decided to be poor. This is America. Pull
yourself up. Join a gym. Go to law school. Honestly, I’m embarrassed by my
state. They’re lazy and entitled. They’re just embarrassing to even be
associated with. Why the hell do you think I live on this boat?”

“Not a single lazy West Virginian in sight.” – Joe Manchin, enjoying the view
from his yacht


Final Joe Manchin Yacht Naming Contest Results:

Coal Miners’ Slaughter = 41%

Fossil Fool = 24%

Charles Manchin = 23%

Almost Human = 9%

Country Toad = 2%

Almost Healthcare = 1%

Results of Joe Manchin Yacht Naming Contest Are In! Click To Tweet


Photo: Gage Skidmore




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