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Submission: On November 06 via manual from IN — Scanned from IT
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Submission: On November 06 via manual from IN — Scanned from IT
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Become A Member. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wednesday, November 6, 2024 72° Torrential calmness America’s Finest News Source -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * News * Local * Politics * Entertainment * Sports * Opinion * More * Search * The Latest * Video * Horoscopes * The Onion Store * News * Local * Politics * Entertainment * Sports * Opinion * More * Search * The Latest * Video * Horoscopes * The Onion Store Wednesday, November 6, 2024 72° Torrential calmness Menu Close Become A Member * The Latest * News * Local * Politics * Entertainment * Sports * Opinion * Video * Search * Horoscopes * About Us * The Onion Store * * Instagram * Twitter * Facebook * YouTube * TikTok * Bluesky Shop The Online Store. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Instagram * Twitter * Facebook * YouTube * TikTok * Bluesky -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ELECTION COVERAGE * Politics TRUMP CALLS HARRIS TO CONGRATULATE HIMSELF ON WINNING PALM BEACH, FL—In a five-minute phone call that both campaigns described as largely cordial, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly called Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday morning to congratulate himself on winning.… * News MENTALLY BROKEN NATION STARTS DRESSING, SPEAKING LIKE FRANK SINATRA * Politics REPORT: HIGH TURNOUT TRACED TO AMERICANS MISTAKENLY VOTING ON VENDING MACHINE * Politics CONFIDENT JILL STEIN GOES WITH STADIUM FOR ELECTION PARTY * Onion News Network ELECTION ALERT: STILL TOO EARLY TO KNOW WHICH MINORITY TO SCAPEGOAT -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ONION IS BACK IN PRINT. GET THE PAPER. BECOME A MEMBER. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trending News * NEURALINK PATIENT UNABLE TO STOP HAND FROM VOTING FOR TRUMP * UNINFORMED CITIZEN SCRAMBLING TO RESEARCH LAST 2,500 YEARS OF DEMOCRACY BEFORE VOTING * STRESSED NATION ASKS OBAMA IF IT CAN BUM 340 MILLION CIGARETTES * RFK JR. DEMANDS SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION AFTER FINDING CHEEZ-IT ON KITCHEN FLOOR -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * CNN TOUCHSCREEN MAP ALREADY COVERED IN PEANUT BUTTER * POLL WATCHER SLAPS ‘I VOTED STICKER’ ON BUMP STOCK * POLLING PLACE BOOSTS ATTENDANCE WITH ’80S NIGHT * UNDETERRED YANKEES FAN ATTEMPTS TO WRESTLE WORLD SERIES TROPHY AWAY FROM MOOKIE BETTS * 1 * 2 * 3 * 4 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Politics DOUG EMHOFF FORCED TO SIT IN CORNER OF ELECTION PARTY AFTER GETTING TOO HYPER -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ONION IS BACK IN PRINT. GET THE PAPER. BECOME A MEMBER. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Politics DOUG EMHOFF FORCED TO SIT IN CORNER OF ELECTION PARTY AFTER GETTING TOO HYPER * Politics MAN WEARING ‘I VORTED’ STICKER BEGINNING TO WORRY THAT WASN’T LEGITIMATE POLLING PLACE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- POPULAR VIDEOS NEW TRUMP AD SHOWS MONTAGE OF PEOPLE HE’LL KILL IF ELECTED ELECTION TOUCHSCREEN MAP TAKES DEEPER LOOK INSIDE KEY SWING VOTER ELECTION ALERT: STILL TOO EARLY TO KNOW WHICH MINORITY TO SCAPEGOAT JD VANCE UNDER FIRE FOR RESURFACED REMARKS CRITICIZING CHILDLESS CHILDREN * 1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advertising Advertising NEWS * News MENTALLY BROKEN NATION STARTS DRESSING, SPEAKING LIKE FRANK SINATRA ‘Ring-A-Ding-Ding, Baby,’ Say 340 Million Deeply Unwell Americans * News PISS-SOAKED TUCKER CARLSON CLAIMS DEMON URINATED ON HIM WHILE HE SLEPT * News HISTORIANS UNEARTH FINAL FUNDRAISING TELEGRAPH HITLER SENT FROM BUNKER * News PROS AND CONS OF PROSECUTING SCHOOL SHOOTERS’ PARENTS Read More -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEND US MONEY UNTIL THE THROBBING SUBSIDES. Join The Onion Today LOCAL * Local PERVERT GOES DOOR TO DOOR ASKING FOR TRICK-OR-TREATERS * Local DOG LOOKS AT OWNER WHO PUT IT IN COSTUME LIKE MAFIA DON BETRAYED BY LOYAL CONSIGLIERE * Local BABY LEFT IN DROP BOX COUPLE TOWNS OVER SO IT CAN’T CRAWL BACK * Local REPORT: GET BACK HERE AND APOLOGIZE TO YOUR MOTHER Read More -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advertising Advertising POLITICS * Politics ELECTION OFFICIALS ANNOUNCE RESULTS WON’T BE AVAILABLE UNTIL AFTER YOU BRUSH TEETH, PUT ON JAMMIES -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Politics DOUG EMHOFF FORCED TO SIT IN CORNER OF ELECTION PARTY AFTER GETTING TOO HYPER * Politics CONFIDENT JILL STEIN GOES WITH STADIUM FOR ELECTION PARTY * Politics TRUMP CALLS HARRIS TO CONGRATULATE HIMSELF ON WINNING -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ONION IS BACK IN PRINT. GET THE PAPER. BECOME A MEMBER. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Join Today -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Read More -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNLOCK ‘THE ONION’ VAULT Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history. Explore More * 1 * 2 * 3 * 4 * 5 * 6 ENTERTAINMENT * Entertainment LOGAN PAUL CLAIMS PRIME PERFECTLY HEALTHY FOR AVERAGE 9-FOOT-TALL, 400-POUND CHILD * Entertainment THE ONION’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JOAQUIN PHOENIX AND LADY GAGA * Entertainment SABRINA CARPENTER COMPLETES MANDATORY SERVICE IN SOUTH KOREAN MILITARY * Entertainment PBS ALREADY HAD MAGGIE SMITH MARATHON SCHEDULED FOR TODAY Read More -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advertising Advertising SPORTS * HADES’ INFERNO STADIUM ONCE AGAIN RANKED TOUGHEST ARENA TO PLAY IN * STEPHEN NEDOROSCIK UNDER FIRE AFTER VIDEO SHOWS HIM WHIPPING POMMEL HORSE * PHYSICAL THERAPY OFFICE POLITELY DECLINES DANIEL JONES’ OFFER OF FRAMED, SIGNED JERSEY FOR WALL * MLB LOSES MILLIONS OF STATS IN WAREHOUSE FIRE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TRENDING NEWS * NEURALINK PATIENT UNABLE TO STOP HAND FROM VOTING FOR TRUMP * UNINFORMED CITIZEN SCRAMBLING TO RESEARCH LAST 2,500 YEARS OF DEMOCRACY BEFORE VOTING * STRESSED NATION ASKS OBAMA IF IT CAN BUM 340 MILLION CIGARETTES * RFK JR. 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