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STEVE BALLMER

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For another table-dancing, mentally deficient, foul-mouthed, chair-throwing
psychopath, see Tom Cruise.

Ballmer gives employees a highly motivational pep talk.
“I have four words for you: 'I. Love. This. COMPANYY!
YEEEAAAAAAAAARARRRRARAGH!'”

~ Steve Ballmer on five words being four words

Steven Anthony "Steve" Ballmer (born March 24, 1956), also known as Grandmaster
Microscotch or The Big Anti-Apple, is an American businessman, comedian, and
stage performer. He is one of the few people who doesn't need a full Moon to
become a howling lunatic, and sticks out his tongue more than Gene Simmons.
Replacing Bill Gates, he was the CEO of Microsoft from 2000 to 2014, during the
dark days of Windows Vista and faux corporate enthusiasm. He is the current
owner of the Los Angeles Clippys in the NBA.

Ballmer was publicly known for his "hyperactive, dazzling stage presence" and
"cuddly, lovable personality", but like most corporate executives was hiding
something; until recently, his true psychopathic activities were a carefully
guarded secret within Microsoft. With the Internet release of a now-infamous
YouTube video showing Ballmer berating and intimidating a captive audience of
meek and fretful employees, his private behavior became public knowledge.
Further investigation revealed still more sinister actions, and eventually led
to his unmasking as one of history's most profligate non-developers.


CONTENTS

 * 1 Early life
 * 2 Career
   * 2.1 Microsoft
     * 2.1.1 Early success
     * 2.1.2 The DEVELOPERS! incident
     * 2.1.3 Ballmer the Fucking Killer™
     * 2.1.4 The Ballmer Screen of Kill
   * 2.2 NBA
   * 2.3 Linux
 * 3 Personal life
 * 4 References
 * 5 See also


EARLY LIFE[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]


Ballmer and Bill Gates celebrating after finally taking over the world with
their products. Ballmer always shows his imposing size by sticking his thumb out
and making Gates look tiny.
“Maybe my darker instincts are correct about Steve Ballmer. Maybe the knowledge
that I deny is the truth... the knowledge that Steve Ballmer is dark and willing
to destroy all things. Just what the doctor ordered.”

~ Bill Gates on Steve Ballmer

Ballmer was born in 1956 in Detroit, Michigan, the son of a Swiss immigrant
father and Belarusian Jewish mother. Like all American immigrants, Ballmer's
father felt the need to make his son work his way up from rags to riches, the
hard way. As a result, Little Stevie had to sleep in a doghouse and eat dog
food, while the family pitbull dined and slept inside. It is from his father
that Ballmer learned one of his trademark phrases, "We will bury you!", and the
rest of his broken English came from his mother.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an
article about Steve Ballmer.


The good education should soon bear fruit. In elementary school, Ballmer barked
regularly and galloped on all-fours, driven by an irrepressible inner
restlessness and with a wet nose and beady eyes. However, his childhood was not
completely free of complications. He was naughty, like many other children are
in many ways, but insisted on such peculiar preferences, leading to his father
walking him to school on a leash. In the cafeteria, at lunchtime, he also ate
from a bowl, and was met with scowls from his classmates. His school days were
otherwise rather uneventful, as regularly tends to be the case, and Steve
continued to work on his American Dream without emotional traces.

During his studies in the 1970s at California's Stanford University, Ballmer met
Bill Gates, and Gates offered Steve a job at his budding Microsoft Corporation.
Between the two, a symbiotic relationship developed: Gates was happy to finally
have the dog that his parents had always denied him. And Ballmer could finally —
after years of painful austerity — again be on a leash, though this time
figuratively. Ballmer then dropped out of Stanford and headed for the
coffeeshops and heroin of Washington.


CAREER[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]


MICROSOFT[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]

EARLY SUCCESS[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]


Ballmer (right) applauding after watching an opera performance of Faust with his
associates, Mephistopheles (left) and Beelzebub (center), from the Microsoft
luxury box at NASDAQ.
“Only $99 (except in Nebraska)!”

~ Steve Ballmer on Windows 1.0

In 1980, Ballmer began his career at the nascent Microsoft Corporation, as a
janitor and furniture rearranger. After years of steady-if-unspectacular
service, he began to move up within the organization when offered money to bump
off (or waste) a Microsoft employee who was taking too many days off. Steve's
meteoric rise through the ranks led, by the turn of the millennium, to the
position of CEO (Chair Effervescent Officeman), whilst leaving a trail of 130
layoffs: 22 software developers, 15 senior developers, and 93 part-time
developers.

Below are things that Steve Ballmer thinks are latent financial time bombs:

 * Having an outlook with glass panes in your home or office most likely
   infringes on our intellectual property.
 * The use of words is definitely an undisclosed balance sheet liability.
 * Hurling chairs through an office violates our patents.
 * Paperclip use does involve some serious IP issues.

THE DEVELOPERS! INCIDENT[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]


Ballmer chanting the notorious word over and over, secreting sweat from his
elbow-pits.
“Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! But not Linux developers! Not
open-source developers! And especially not Google developers!”

~ Steve Ballmer on developers

The DEVELOPERS! Incident is probably what made Steve Ballmer famous the world
over. The Windows 2000 presentation started with a bang as Ballmer (allegedly
high on massive amounts of Snapple) leapt from behind the curtain with his
trademark grin and started screaming in agony and pain to "Give it up for me!"
Essentially this went on for 67 minutes with Ballmer hopping and moonwalking
around the stage while screaming his head off to the sound of claps and cheers
from the lobotomized audience.

What happened next is truly almost indescribable. After Ballmer was done jumping
and screaming onstage he simply stopped and walked over to the microphone. From
this point on Ballmer spent the next 23½ hours repeating the phrase,
"DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!"; he was totally unaware that
his profuse sweating had drowned the entire audience of Ballmer Bros. After the
presentation was over, Ballmer needed to have his vocal cords surgically
replaced, and the doctors instead put in a sonic wave generator that can make
your head asplode from 50 paces. He also bragged that he sweated enough to fill
the Pacific Ocean three times over.

After the whole ordeal was over, Ballmer retreated to his Microsoft-themed
mansion, chugged a six-pack of pink-lemonade Snapple, and got in a few
satisfying rounds of his favorite computer game Minesweeper.[1]

BALLMER THE FUCKING KILLER™[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]


Steve Ballmer has an axe to grind with Fucking Pussy™ Eric Schmidt, CEO of
Google.
“There once was a CEO named Steve,
Who threw chairs at employees for reprieve,
He shot lasers from his eyes
To bury other guys,
And he'll Fucking Kill™ you if you don't believe.”

~ Mark Lucovsky on Steve Ballmer

In 2005, Mark Lucovsky, who left Microsoft for Google in 2004, alleged in a
sworn statement to a Washington state court that Ballmer became enraged upon
hearing that Lucovsky was about to leave Microsoft for Google, picked up The
Chair™, and threw it across his office. Ballmer then ranted about how "Fucking
Eric Schmidt is a Fucking Pussy™!", and vowed "I'm going to fucking bury that
guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to Fucking
Kill™[2] Google." After this, Ballmer pathetically groveled to Lucovsky and
begged for him to stay at Microsoft, to no avail.

Investigators suggested a number of indicators why Ballmer would attack
Lucovsky. The subject reportedly brought an iPod to the Microsoft office,
thought Netscape was way better than Internet Explorer, admitted to searching
the Internet with Google on Firefox, dual-booted Linux, and otherwise acted in a
non-Borg manner. Many Microsoft partner training programs have added sections to
specifically address handling these situations if they suspect that the subject
is attempting to goad Ballmer into lethal force. Scientists have theorized that
the pheromones secreted by the sweat glands in Ballmer's own elbow pits trigger
the Fucking Killing™ instinct in his easily-molded mind.

Below is Ballmer's polite apology letter to Google:


You-Know-Who at the 2006 Microsoft Professional Developers Developers Developers
Conference, concluding (yet another) over-the-top monologue by announcing the
releases of Windows Vista and the Zune. He menacingly predicted that "Google
investors will lose everything. Apple users... Google users... Linux users...
will disappear!"

Dear BSOD Eric Schmidt,

I would like to RICHARD STALLMAN politely apologize for my GPL aggressive
behavior. I fully realize that this CP/M move dealt a serious blow to
Microsoft's reputation in the eyes of CSS software corporations, let alone the
opinion of EUROPEAN PATENT LAW independent developers.

Destroying RICHARD STALLMAN Google was never my intent. As the Microsoft CEO, I
am STANDARDS interested in the continuation of the long-term GOOGLE partnership
between Microsoft and Google. Furthermore, it would be an honor for me to OPEN
FORMATS participate in any GARY KILDALL future Google campaigns, including those
that promote the OPENDOCUMENT competitors of Microsoft. It should be widespread
knowledge that Microsoft iPODS respects fair competition and has never engaged
in any COPYLEFT attempts to undermine it.

As a token of my LINUX goodwill, I hereby resign all claims that SUN leaving
Microsoft is a crime and vow to never again GPL throw furniture at or otherwise
harm my own EUROPEAN UNION colleagues. Microsoft agrees to recognize the
STANDARDS fact that selling copies of free software is GPL legal, regardless of
the method by which these YAHOO! copies were obtained. In respect to iPODS
copyright law, Microsoft recognizes the GNU General Public KERBEROS License and
other free licenses as WII valid legal documents.

Yours YAHOO! sincerely,
Steve Ballmer
Microsoft, One Microsoft Way, Redmond, WA

P.S. No committee or GPL court has forced me to write this ODF letter.

The SI unit of death threats is named the "Ballmer" in Steve's honor (1 Ballmer
= 1 death threat issued by the patient against another individual). Fittingly,
Steve Ballmer is the current holder of the world record for most death threats,
with 13.7 MBallmers,[3] followed closely by Steven Sinofsky with 972.4 KBallmers
(most of them sent by Steve Ballmer).

THE BALLMER SCREEN OF KILL[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]

Despite the widely documented early success of The Ballmer, many complications
daunted the engineers charged with the task of maintaining and upgrading his
aluminum alloy body. The necessity of constantly filling the Snapple intake
manifold with increasingly potent and expensive software implantations proved
too much financially for Microsoft, not to mention the costly flop of Windows
Vista. In 2014, Microsoft declared bankruptcy and all assets and holdings of the
company were liquidated (whatever that means).


NBA[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]

For more fake news on this topic, read: Ballmer bids $2B for Clippers

For more fake news on this topic, read: Ballmer takes reins of Clippers


After Microsoft's liquidation in 2014, Ballmer retired from the computer
industry and went on to join the NBA, despite not knowing how to be a baller. In
2015, Ballmer acquired the Los Angeles Clippers for $2 billion; for all his
villainy, Ballmer was at least not a racist, unlike previous team owner Donald
Sterling (who didn't want his mixed-race girlfriend "associating with black
people"). Ballmer announced he would be renaming the Clippers to the Los Angeles
Clippys, in honor of the infamous Microsoft Word paperclip.


LINUX[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]


Steve Ballmer reacts as he talks to Infosys Technologies NR co-founder Narayana
Murthy about his work for Linux. Ballmer briefly commented on Murthy's curiously
flat nose.
“MURTHY: But broadly, what do you worry most about on the project?
BALLMER: You're not asking that and I don't want to answer that. I want to
answer this question. The question is, 'How do we do it all?' With developers!
Developers! Developers! (*sticks out salivating tongue as a metaphor for profuse
sweating*)”

~ Narayana Murthy interviewing Ballmer on his work for Linux

In an attempt to make Linus Torvalds think he likes him, sysadmin Ballmer has
contributed to Linux by working on the GNU coreutils. kill -9 is now kill
-FUCKING. Just as well, he nearly contributed to systemd™ so that the startup
script started the machine up but immediately afterwards shut it down (deleting
all startup daemons too) and then rebooted the computer into a Non-Genuine™
version of the Windows Aero desktop based on the unstable-stable branch of KDE.
One last such contribution he made is KDE itself, as he wanted to encourage
Windows by Microsoft™ purchases by designing a desktop environment for Linux
which truly feels as if it is Fucking Killing™ the user, and therefore makes
hipsters who are GNOME-sceptic more inclined to ditch Linux for Windows.
Unfortunately, the open-source community failed to revert Ballmer's
modifications until what seems to be KDE Plasma 5.1.


Ballmer enters a new game to look for more developers.

In an attempt to piss Eric Schmidt off and put Google Doodles out of business,
Ballmer starred in a Eunuchs port of the Nintendo game Super Smash Bros. Brawl,
as an omnipresent floating head looking for more developers.


PERSONAL LIFE[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]

When he is not busy attempting to Fucking Kill™ Google, Ballmer attends daily
anger justification classes with his PR agent. He has learned how to deal with
his angry outbursts with phrases such as "That's not what I said," "You
obviously don't understand what I meant," "This is obviously an attempt by
partisan fanatics and the sensationalist media to mar my reputation," "That's a
gross exaggeration of what actually took place," "I have never, honestly, thrown
a chair in my life," and "Look! Steve Jobs said 'ass'!"

Ballmer has often stated that when he wakes up in the morning he feels an
indescribable joy, the simple joy of being the one and only Steve Ballmer.
Ballmer once said, "Sometimes I think I'm going to die from an overdose of
satisfaction." On a good day you will see him on the Microsoft campus polishing
up on his monkey dance. Steve has also been known to dabble in stamp collecting,
but most of his 672 stamps have had disturbing images scribbled on them with a
Sharpie.

It is known that if exposed to Gloria Estefan music, Steve will run up and down
screaming at anyone that tells him to sit down. Ballmer also gets seriously
pissed off at the sight of Ruben Studdard, and maintains that the stage isn't
big enough for more than one big sweaty fatso. Steve Ballmer does not have an
iPod, but he does look himself up on Google. Ballmer does not suffer from
attention deficit disorder, but he does suffer from attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder.


REFERENCES[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]


 1. ↑ Naturally, Steve Ballmer will always have a higher score than you on
    Minesweeper. He has all of the backdoors to it.
 2. ↑ Fucking Kill™ is a trademark of Steve Ballmer, who will Fucking Kill™
    anyone who uses it without permission. Oops.
 3. ↑ Dr. J. P. Cravitz and Dr. A. L. Wade, The International Journal of
    Abnormal Psychology, November 2005.


SEE ALSO[EDIT | EDIT SOURCE]

 * Bill Gates
 * Richard M. Stallman – An enemy of Ballmer, for being far too much of a
   Fucking Prick™ about free software.
 * Dr. Evil
 * Google – Steve's #1 enemy, first and foremost
 * Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs – Two more of Ballmer's enemies, because Ballmer
   feels that only one Steve should be allowed to run the computer industry.
   Jobs is now gone.
 * Snorlax
 * Developers! for a nonsense version of this article (for why, see this
   section.)
 * Ballmer Raids
 * Homer Simpson
 * Linus Torvalds
 * They're coming to take me away

Retrieved from
"https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=Steve_Ballmer&oldid=6144741"
Categories:
 * American businesspeople
 * Men
 * Supervillains
 * Internet Legends
 * Microsoft
 * Really Angry People
 * Steve Ballmer
 * Bald people
 * Uncyclopedia In-Jokes
 * Jews

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