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Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced. So are increasing numbers of older
Americans.

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Culture & Lifestyle


BILL AND MELINDA GATES ARE GETTING DIVORCED. SO ARE INCREASING NUMBERS OF OLDER
AMERICANS.

Divorce rates have plummeted among young people even as they have risen among
older adults. And it's not just because the population is aging.

Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates and his wife Melinda take part in an interview
with The Associated Press in Kirkland, Wash., on Feb. 1, 2018.Ted S. Warren / AP
file
May 5, 2021, 11:12 AM HST
By Susan L. Brown

After 27 years of marriage, Bill and Melinda Gates are calling it quits. Their
high-profile split is emblematic of divorce trends in the United States as a
whole. Increasingly, married couples who break up are in the second half of
life. Divorce among middle-aged and older adults is so popular now that
researchers like me have a term for it: gray divorce.

In the past, many couples would remain in these “empty shell” marriages largely
because separations were stigmatized, or couples didn’t believe in divorce.

This phenomenon, which refers to divorce among people 50 and older, doubled
between 1990 and 2010, with the rate rising from .5 percent to 1 percent per
year, and has since plateaued at this new high. And a generation ago, less than
10 percent of divorces involved a spouse over age 50. Nowadays, though, more
than 1 in 4 people getting divorced in the U.S are over age 50.




The growth in gray divorce reflects more than the aging of the population, and
is additionally striking given that it’s at odds with the general pattern in the
U.S. For the past four decades, the overall divorce rate has been slowly but
steadily declining. This modest decrease in divorce reflects diverging trends
for younger versus older adults: Divorce rates have plummeted among young people
even as they have risen among older adults.

A primary reason why divorce has fallen among people under 39 is that fewer of
them get married in the first place, and those who do marry tend to be more
advantaged in ways that are protective against divorce. For instance, as
marriage has increasingly shifted from a ritual inaugurating adulthood to a
capstone experience carried out only after young people complete their education
and gain financial independence, the risk of divorce has declined among this age
group.


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In contrast, older adults face higher risks of divorce than ever before in
history. And reaching one’s silver, or 25th, wedding anniversary is not
necessarily a marker of marital permanence. Over half of gray divorces occur
among couples who have been married more than 20 years.

My Bowling Green State University colleague I-Fen Lin and I have been studying
the gray divorce revolution for more than a decade. Our interest in this topic
was sparked by another high-profile break up, that of Al and Tipper Gore. We
wondered what prompts couples who have stayed together for decades, navigating
the highs and lows of married life, to actually call it quits.

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03:04
03:04






 

Bill and Melinda Gates announce they are divorcing after 27 years of marriage
03:05

We noted that midlife is marked by major life transitions. Children grow up and
move out of the house, leaving couples with an empty nest. Careers wind down as
individuals transition to retirement. Without the daily grind of juggling
children’s schedules and long hours spent at work, spouses can find they have
little in common. Gray divorce is often not precipitated by a singular event,
but is instead the result of drifting apart.



At the same time, the broader culture has changed when it comes to gender roles
and expectations. Marriages work when both spouses feel a sense of personal
fulfillment and satisfaction from their relationship. A few generations ago,
marital success hinged largely on role performance, meaning being a good wife or
husband. Individual happiness was often beside the point.


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Now, even the definition of a good spouse is idiosyncratic and must be
negotiated among couples. Increasingly, being a good wife is not only about
homemaking and raising children, but also about contributing financially to the
family. Likewise, being a good husband means more than just being a breadwinner.
It also requires doing a fair share of the housework and being an involved
father. And marriage as a whole is no longer merely an economic bargain or a
haven for child-rearing. Marriage is a true partnership and spouses are to be
best friends.

These high expectations for marital success can be challenging to sustain as
relationships evolve over time. When people report less satisfying marriages,
their risk of gray divorce climbs. And today’s midlife married couples report
worse marital quality than their counterparts did a quarter century ago. It’s
likely that couples have higher expectations for their marriages these days,
particularly around the gendered division of labor.



In the past, many couples would remain in these “empty shell” marriages largely
because separations were stigmatized, or couples didn’t believe in divorce.
These days, couples are less willing to remain in empty shell marriages.
Societal changes also mean that women are often less economically dependent on
their husbands, and thus they can afford to get divorced.

In research I conducted with Matthew Wright of the Appalachian State University,
we found that adults over age 50 today are more accepting of divorce than
younger people. Nearly two-thirds agree that divorce is the best solution when
couples can’t work out their marriage problems versus fewer than half among
younger adults.


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Part of this greater acceptance of divorce is because many older adults have
been divorced before. The baby-boom generation is at the forefront of gray
divorce. Boomers, those born between 1946 and 1964, as Bill and Melinda Gates
both were, came of age during the divorce revolution of the 1970s. Many have
married, divorced, and then got remarried.

The gray divorce rate for couples in remarriages is about 2.5 times higher than
for couples in first marriages. Some fraction of those in first marriages are in
empty shell marriages and simply unwilling to get divorced even though they are
unhappy. They may object to divorce on religious grounds, or be concerned about
breaking up families or forming stepfamilies, which introduce relationship
challenges that can be destabilizing. But people who have been divorced before
know that there is life after divorce and they are less reluctant to divorce
again if their marriage is not working.


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OPINIONSLEEPING IN SEPARATE BEDS IS ONE OF THE BEST DECISIONS MY HUSBAND AND I
MADE

Meanwhile, people are living longer than ever before. If you live to age 65, you
can expect to survive roughly another 20 years, which is a long time to spend in
an empty marriage with a spouse you no longer like. Once nearly universal,
marriage nowadays is just one in an array of options. About one-third of baby
boomers are unmarried, and this number is likely only to grow as more boomers
experience marital dissolution through either gray divorce or the death of their
spouses.



Stating they “no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in this next
phase of our lives,” the Gateses join a growing group of baby boomers who are
leaving their decades-long marriages. The gray divorce revolution may be viewed
by some as evidence of the erosion of marriage as a lifelong commitment. But for
many, it means newfound freedom and flexibility as aging adults increasingly
reject the confines of empty shell marriages in favor of autonomy and
independence.

Related:

 * Aging is a woman's secret power — and the data proves it
 * Early menopause at 46 was a surprise. Now I realize it was also a gift.
 * Covid-19 turned active retirees into elderly people overnight, and made us
   feel expendable

Susan L. Brown

Susan L. Brown is a distinguished research professor and chair of sociology at
Bowling Green State University. She is the author of “Families in America.”  



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