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October 10, 2024




Bio Publications Previous Columns Mexico Canadian Articles Stories of the Old
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"I like Maggie's energy, the sense her writing gives that we are coming upon
things we thought we knew � and are seeing them for the first time."

-John Timpane, Commentary Page Editor,
the Philadelphia Inquirer



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CARLIN, BROOKS, AND GOD



BY MAGGIE VAN OSTRAND




 

I recently had the privilege of interviewing God about His plans to file
lawsuits against individual members of Congress. Though I could not actually see
God in the flesh, as it were, I knew he was there, because Gefilte fish, whole
grain bread, and a chalice of wine were on the table next to his iPhone. 
 
REPORTER: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Lord, and setting aside time
from earth’s many other problems, like poverty, pestilence, and politics.
 
GOD: I don't mind setting aside time, as long as it's Daylight Savings Time. I
wonder why that's still in use. But I digress. It pleases me that the New York
Times has sent someone to seek Truth from the actual Source of Truth. No, put
that Bible away. It's silly to take an oath to myself. Just ask your questions.
 
REPORTER: What are the charges, and how did you decide it was time to sue?
 
GOD: Ah, a two-parter. You sound like Maggie Haberman. I decided to sue when my
communications were ignored by a few whose personal agendas were supported by
many. Charges are: Ignoring Emma Lazarus's Statue of Liberty poem; failing to
follow the U.S. Constitution; and, most importantly, witless tampering with my
10 Commandments. George Carlin was the only exception to that last one. 
 
Speaking of comedians and commandments, Mel Brooks was correct when he said
there had originally been 15 Commandments on three, not two, stone tablets.
However, the third one fell from his arms and smashed into pieces as he was
stumbling under their weight coming down the Mount. I said to the real Moses,
"I've tried to teach you three things: No running with scissors, no coloring
outside the lines, and don't carry three heavy stone tablets down a mount all at
the same time. What, you want a hernia?" But did he listen? Those tablets
should've been stored in the iCloud. 
 
REPORTER: Did the real Moses get to see the real You?
 
GOD:  Yes and no. I only revealed my Afterglow.
 
REPORTER: Then how did you communicate with regular humans, and were there
really five more Commandments?
 
GOD: I use only one method: Conscience. It escapes even me that some humans know
they’re doing wrong, and do it anyway. What, they can’t read a Bible? They can't
Google? They want to continue messing with me? All I ask is that humans follow
my commands, etched in stone by Mallet & Chisel Corp. LLC, as well as the five
on the broken tablet, to wit: 
 
11. Thou shalt quit redistricting.
 
12. Thou shalt avoid mockery of and threats against other humans.
 
13. Thou shalt not steal the children of huddled masses yearning to breathe
free.
 
14. Thou shalt not bear false witness against the FBI.
 
15. Thou shalt not use bully pulpit as a place from which to bully.
 
Did they think I was kidding when I said ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that
you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it
to Me.’ For Heaven’s sake, we took a vote; not a single angel, or any other
member of the celestial hierarchy, wants humans who create fear, hatred, and
division. Machiavelli came up with “Divide and ye govern,” so we wonder if
certain Congresspersons wish to obey someone whose very name means lies and
deception and besides, it's hard to spell "Machiavelli." Perhaps I should not
have given the background check assignment on congress to the same people who
vetted Sarah Palin. 
 
REPORTER: Are any congresspersons actually named in your proposed lawsuit?
 
GOD: There are a few in South Carolina who need to memorize the U.S.
Constitution and my Commandments, especially the Ninth. I remember when Mark
Sanford messed with me and broke One, Three, Seven, and Nine; he was re-elected
anyway. Can you believe it? After his second term, he ended up living in his
son's frat house. Thanks to the huge number of Hindus and Buddhists in Heaven,
it was Karma as usual and bad juju for him. 
 
I would have included Lindsey Graham, but there’s no commandment against being
arrogant and hypocritical; if there were, I would have sued Newt Gingrich long
ago. I'll name McConnell and McCarthy, even if it is St. Patrick's Day, for
Obstruction of democracy. And I'm going to name Devin Nunes for faulty fealty. 
 
Those politicians who do not pay attention and mend their ways had better
realize that even I have a limit to watching their irksome behavior. They think
they can get away with anything they want, as long as their ratings stay high.
They know only vengeance and spite, but I know lightning and smite.
 
 
REPORTER: One more question, Lord. Which attorney will represent you in this
lawsuit?
 
GOD: Actually, I started with the Michaels: Cohen and Avanetti, but they both
failed to get Security Clearances. I had to put an ad on Craig’s List. 
 
REPORTER: Why don't you use a lawyer in Heaven?
 
GOD: There aren't any. 
 
 
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MORE MAGGIE ON OTHER SITES

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Opinion: Huffington Post
Mexico: MexConnect
Entertainment: Film School Rejects   fandomania
Stories of the Old West: TexasEscapes

   


GUEST LINKS

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HEY, MAGGIE DOESN'T GET PAID FOR PLUGGING THESE. THEY'RE JUST COOL SITES.

 * The Lange Foundation
   Angel of mercy Gillian Lange founded this dog and cat rescue organization, as
   well as The Amanda Foundation. If someone you know lost a pet, you can
   sponsor a rescued animal for the bereaved owner in the lost pet's name. No
   greater gift can you give.
 * Dogs Deserve Better
   Love, not chains. Dogs can protect you better if they're treated as members
   of the family, living inside. This site educates people about the wrongs in
   chaining up your dog.
 * Sylvia Kent
   British author/photographer, historian and Essex expert, Sylvia Kent has a
   lively blog about life in the U.K. There's much more to it than you could
   imagine.


©2021 Maggie Van Ostrand, all rights reserved.

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 * Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop
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