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CHAMEKITTEN

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WELCOME TO THE END OF YOUR SANITY.

A LOOK INTO MY MIND?

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Hey..chamekittenJuly 15th, 2009
So...figured I might as well post something...been a little while....haven't
been on anything much for what...like month and half atleast now?
Idk...Anywho...I suppose I should slap up a little update on my "life" as it
were eh? Ok...So...I'm still here..obviously. I quit FFXI back in
like...February I think? Gave all my stuffs cept what my roomie stole to
Sassafras, thanks again for helping me clean up hun. <3. Been playing World of
Warcraft, on Deathwing, with my brother. Still working for my step dad, in a new
place though, nicer, more costly ofcourse.. Getting deeper in debt every day,
losing a little more of my mind everyday...heh...honestly looking back over my
LJ, I'm surprised I'm still around....though it all seems fresh when I re-read
it. I don't want this to turn into the rant I was gonna post on my birthday...so
I'm gonna end it soon...I'm 29 now, and what does that mean to me? Another year
older, another year weaker...another year dumber....*sighs* I am still a failure
heh...single again due to my own hand...and better off that way. Yea...time to
end this, else I'll only go ramble and whine some more. Dunno when or if I'll
update again so...don't worry about me. No matter what happens....I'll be
ok...somehow.
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(no subject)chamekittenDecember 20th, 2007
Well...I do believe I fully lost a friend tonight...it was bound to happen I
guess..anyways, I will most likely not be updating this journal anymore..really
no reason to. It started off as a way to keep track of my life in FFXI, didn't
even really get to do that. Turned more into me just ranting and whining and
getting far too many people worried and concerned about me. There is no point in
that. I'm not fine, I'm not ok, but what else is new? I'm done my "transition"
as well...though it never really started. I found that I just can't do that, I
can't be anything but what I always have been, just John. It doesn't matter how
much that hurts, it is how things are and I tried to change that, I tried to
feel better, and I failed.

I wish to apoligise to all those who have had to listen to me rant and cry and
whine about my life, it really wasn't fair of me to do that to you, even if you
were "happy" to listen.

Good bye LJ and best wishes. May you all have good fortune and happiness in your
lives.
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*growls*chamekittenOctober 25th, 2007
Yea oki so I figured it would be a good moment for an update. First off I'll
address me hormones for all. They ran out. Back in September. *sighs* I miss
them but can't really afford to order more, nor am I certain that would even be
the right thing to do. The more I think about it, the more it seems I'm just
better off staying as is...I can handle the feelings most of the time, I can be
what feels right in Final Fantasy XI and online, that should be enough right?
Not always....not even close...because sometimes, I actually feel I am right and
then I'll move and this damned body will remind me just how I am and it really
really hurts...*sighs*

Work wise, still busting my tail working for step dad doing Courier, good work
really, sometimes a bit much, I know I won't have a back by the time I'm 50 if I
live that long...heh...ah well, gotta work to be able to indulge in my little
escapes, and it's the only job I can manage to not fuck up doing, atleast not
much and very seriously.

Love....i have someone, we've been together online for almost 2months now, it's
been wonderful. I'm not going into details about the sweet person, simply
because I really don't need to deal with any questions and/or
judgements....moreso the later....*shrugs* I'd say just let me be myself and
happy....but everyone has a view of how I should be....and it never seems to
match my view...

I haven't had anymore dreams even remotely like the last one I posted about,
thankfully....I dunno if I could handle another dream like that.....it's bad
enough that I have so many wishful dreams that I know cannot come true, either
simply because they are not at all possible, or just because that is my luck
with dreams, I am allowed to have them only in my mind, never reality.

So yea not a huge change in my life, just slowly sinking still I guess?
Idk...I'm just trying to be and get rid of my debts and enjoy what I can in this
miserable exsistence called life.
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Dreams....chamekittenAugust 16th, 2007
Current Mood: pessimisticCurrent Music:Linkin Park-Minutes to Midnight CD
So I had a dream last night...though I suppose it was more a nightmare. I dreamt
I was in school again, felt like I was both younger and my current age at the
same time. My sister was a student teacher or something. Anyways it was the end
of the year and all the kids basically got to decorate a 1 foot square patch on
the wall. Theme must have been how you are now and then in 10 years or something
of the sort. Either way there was lots of nice art and there were definately
more then a couple gay, les, and trans kids in the group. I had a space as well,
which was all black... I stared at it and then looked over the other kids art
around me and felt tears welling.

I ended up crouched down looking at my black space which I believe was in the
midst of some of the trans kids arts. My sister ended up coming over and giving
me a white marker, which I stared at for awhile. She noticed that something was
up and asked me what was wrong. When she got no reply, she put her hand on my
shoulder and said, "Is it because she can't come out?" That broke the damn and I
started to cry. 3 girls had walked over and one asked my sister, "What's wrong?
Is she ok?" This ofcourse only increased my tears and confussion of the
situation as my sister told them, "She's fine." and took them elsewhere.
Somewhere in all of that did I not only go from being older to a child, but my
black space had developed a picture in it. A child in a corner, hugging knees to
chest, much as I now was, also showing the tear stained face of the child, eyes
closed with fresh tears running down the cheeks. I felt someone watching me then
and looked around to see a teen looking down on me and somehow I knew that he
was a Female to Male trans.

I ended up waking about that point, curled into a ball, my body pillow pressed
tight to my body between legs and arms, sobbing. Eventually I calmed down enough
to look at my cell and found it was 5:30am. I doubt I fell asleep again before
7am, my dream still stirring my mind and breaking my heart...
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Ya know it's funny....chamekittenAugust 9th, 2007
All those stupid little rhyme's and such that kids say, stupid things that
really make little sense....

Things like sticks and stone may break my bones, but names will never hurt
me....

It should be sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will leave deeper,
unseen scars that may never heal...

goddess I should be sleeping right now...it's the third night in a row I haven't
been able to sleep by 1...normally I'm tired as hell by now, barely able to
waddle my fat ass into my bed and turn on my discman to let whatever cd i have
in there put me to sleep....too much going on in my head..it only seems to get
more everyday...

idk...i think too damn much and it's never a good turn out..but I can't help it

it's funny how I keep saying that I don't want to write depressing shit in
here...and it's always what I end up doing.

I just watched Emerson Drive's Moments Video, then Tim McGraw's one of These
Days video, both very good, very touching songs

I wanna crawl into a hole and hide away from the world, be alone so I can't hurt
anyone, so no one can be worried about me...essentially I'm doing that
anyways..I do what I can to not be around my family...I don't feel like I belong
when there's a big family function..yet I miss being around them..and I know
they worry when they don't see me for awhile...

What do you do when everything you do is wrong? Every choice you make becomes an
error and hurts someone?

I want to fall down so very bad....just lie there and not move...but I'm afraid
that if I do, then I won't be able to get back up...I barely have the strength
in me to go on everyday but I do...because if I didn't...it would hurt so many
ppl I care for...goddess I am such a sad excuse for a human being..I never can
do the right thing can I? heh..retorical question....and I know someone will
read this and give me some advice that I won't take, or try to comfort me or
tell me I'm not how I see myself

But really....in the end that is it, that is exactly it...it is all in how we
see ourselves...

And me....Isee nothing...
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hmmmchamekittenAugust 9th, 2007
Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music:linkin Park- Given Up
well i've kinda been down for the past...um....idk....2months now? something
like that...anyways..I've failed yet again methinks...hormones made me happy for
a bit...until my mom found out via my livejournal here that I was taking them.
she ended up calling me on a tuesday and we had a rather unpleasent conversation
that ended with me feeling very angry and hanging up on her. the friday
afterwards she was in town paying for gas so me and my coworkers could drive
around doing our courier work(I work for my step dad so my mom sometimes comes
in to pay for the gas in our vans) and I was nice, but she totally ignored me,
acted like I didn't exsist or something. either way later in the day, probly
about 2 or 3pm, i was driving to do a pick up and i had to pull over to the side
of the road and park for a bit, i bawled, i cried so hard my throat was sore, my
lungs hurt, i couldn't see anything. all week long since i had hung up on her i
had been thinking this was the start, this was something i hadn't been preparde
to face until i had been taking my hormones for 6 months...this is the start of
where i loose my family. in the end my step dad had to come by and get something
or other from me and i gave him the info sheets i had got with my hormones and
my mom talked to me on monday and she was all better though concerned obviously.
but the blow had already been struck and i was falling.....the happiness that
had been there was gone...i was back to the same old feelings of not knowing,
not belonging, feeling totally out of place...the thoughts i had of actually
being able to transition and find the real me inside this horrible construct was
shattered. i don't know what i am to do, i don't really know why i'm am even
still taking the hormones i have. i know i cannot do it because even if they say
they support me...i know i am only hurting them and they will never truely
understand. i don't matter if i am causing others pain...stupid old
thoughts..the same that have been in my mind all my life. i have no meaning, i
am worth nothing, i am nothing...if i cause others to hurt even for the barest
second, it lasts a very long time in my heart, causing more pain then i already
have, then i already have no idea what to do with. all i find is pain and
sorrow, all i find is failure, alli do is disappoint...what kind of god would
deem something like this on someone who cares more for those around him then he
does for himself? it is a cruel and twisted world that we live in, full of
anger, pain, suffering and misery. what is the reason to go on living if the
only thing that remains at the end of the day is naught but pain?
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(no subject)chamekittenAugust 6th, 2007
http://www.dglenn.org/words/all_come_free.html

That is all...
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!chamekittenMay
11th, 2007
*dances all stupid and psycho-like* I'm happy happy happy! I got my hormones in
yesterday and started taking them today. >^.^< Don't worry! I'm starting slow
and being careful. <3 >^.^< So yea..if I seem suddenly bitchy or what...I'ma
blame it on hormones! XP
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Well another new view hehchamekittenMay 1st, 2007
Current Location:Me little hell hole of an apartment as always hehCurrent Mood:
determinedCurrent Music:You Raise Me Up-Josh Groban
So in total oppsition to my previous posting....I would like to say that I am
looking to order hormones. Some of my dear friends and family online already
have heard this news, but I figured I should make a posting about it anyways. I
heartily thank each and everyone of you, my friends and family online, for your
support and care even during my severely long and often extremely whiney
depression. I know this is a far more dangerous route then I should proceed
down..but I have my reasons for doing things this way. I am going to let my
feelings define my form with the aide of hormones to see how I will end up.
Either John or Chame will be outside...but I must know for certain and I must
know now. For my own good and for the good of all of you as well. I almost lost
the very friend who gave name to my internal conflict a few years back, due to
my depression and inability to move, so now I will move, you all deserve to see
something good in this journal for once. <3 you all and do not worry, I will be
cautious in this and will make sure I am following guidelines.
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Who needs a subject?chamekittenApril 25th, 2007
So let's see..it's been 22 days since my last little post....and this might just
be my last one. I'm tired of all this....I'm gonna do what I said in my last
entry and just change what my info says to match what one would see when looking
at me for real....what does that mean? Well in short...I've given up. I can't
chase dreams anymore, it hurts far too much. I've got to try to live with what I
have and somehow be happy with that. It's not likely to work for me in the least
but oh well. Maybe you'll hear from me again....
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chamekitten.livejournal.com Open in urlscan Pro 81.19.74.1 Public Scan

Form analysis 7 forms found in the DOM

GET //www.livejournal.com/rsearch/

GET //www.livejournal.com/rsearch/

Name: setreadability_form — POST https://www.livejournal.com/tools/setstylemine.bml

Name: setreadability_form_adaptive — POST https://www.livejournal.com/tools/setstylemine.bml

POST https://www.livejournal.com/login.bml?ret=1

POST https://www.livejournal.com/identity/login.bml?type=openid&auto_forwhat=user%24chamekitten%24%2F

Text Content

chamekitten.livejournal.com Open in urlscan Pro
81.19.74.1 Public Scan

Form analysis
7 forms found in the DOM