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HOW DO I HEAL AFTER INFIDELITY?

BY EVA TIMOTHY, PROFESSIONAL PRACTICE EXTENSION ASSISTANT PROFESSOR



There are many misnomers that surround infidelity in committed relationships.
One myth is that one party or the other must have done something to have caused
it. Another myth is that after an affair comes to light, any possible future
happiness in the relationship is impossible. Let’s look at the prevalence of
extramarital relationships within our society before we move forward. The
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (2016) indicates that 35%
of women and 45% of men engage in either emotional or sexual intimacy, or a
combination of both, outside of their committed relationship. Studies show that
infidelity is also one of the leading causes of divorce and marital counseling
(Scott et al., 2013; American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy).

Given these statistics, it is likely that someone you know has or is going
through a process of healing due to infidelity. Therefore, you are not alone!
Consider this as you begin your journey toward emotional and relationship
health. There are varying reasons for which infidelity in a committed
relationship occur. The incidence of an affair is not limited to relationships
experiencing strain but can also happen in those that are considered happy.

Forget all the statistics though. The fact of the matter is that the discovery
of an extramarital relationship is devastating. There are a myriad of emotions
and questions to deal with. However, the complexity that surrounds a partner’s
adultery necessitates exploration and healing for both parties. Common questions
after infidelity in a committed relationship comes to light are:

 * How does one reconcile the mixed feelings that battle within?
 * What steps should be taken after learning of a partners affair to overcome
   the trauma?
 * What do I do to restore trust in my relationshp after disclosing an affair?

Despite the weight of these questions, please note that healing can take place
whether you choose to stay in the relationship or not. However, mending the
wound will take time. Healing is not a linear process and can require repeating
some steps when triggers occur that bring up past feelings or concerns.

To find a place of emotional security in such situations, the couple must
address the feelings of anger, betrayal, shame, depression, trauma, and
confusion. There are various ways in which intimate partners can go about
beginning their journey of healing. Some examples are turning to one’s higher
power, seeking out a support group, confiding in someone close to you, or
addressing your needs with a trained professional in a therapeutic setting.
Studies on relationships after infidelity show that determinants of healing
include one’s ability to establish safety, forgive, and separate the
extramartital relationship from their sense of self (Heintzelman et al., 2014;
DiBlasio 2000). Due to the difficulty of such a task, consider using these
resources as you move forward:

 1. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/infidelity
 2. https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Infidelity.aspx
 3. https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-do-after-an-affair/ and
    https://www.gottman.com/blog/reviving-trust-after-an-affair/
 4. https://ct.counseling.org/2020/04/recovering-from-the-trauma-of-infidelity/


REFERENCES

 * American Association of Marriage and Family Therpay. (n.d.). Infidelity .
   Retrieved December, 2020, from
   https://www.aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Infidelity.aspx
 * DiBlasio, F. A. (2000). Decision-based forgiveness treatment in cases of
   marital infidelity. Psychotherapy, 37(2), 149-158.
   doi:http://dx.doi.org.dist.lib.usu.edu/10.1037/h0087834
 * Fife, S.T., Weeks, G.R., Gambescia, N. (2008). Treating infidelity: An
   integrative approach. The Family Journal, 16(4):316-323.
   doi:10.1177/1066480708323205
 * Heintzelman, A., Murdock, N. L., Krycak, R. C., & Seay, L. (2014). Recovery
   from infidelity: Differentiation of self, trauma, forgiveness, and
   posttraumatic growth among couples in continuing relationships. Couple and
   Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 3(1), 13-29.
   doi:http://dx.doi.org.dist.lib.usu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000016
 * Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., & Markman, H. J.
   (2013). Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention:
   Implications for Improving Relationship Education. Couple & family
   psychology, 2(2), 131–145. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032025

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