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THE BRONX ZOO WILL LET YOU NAME A GIANT ROACH AFTER YOUR EX

You know, for Valentine's Day.

Written by Ian KumamotoWednesday January 17 2024
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If you've ever had an ex that behaved like a roach — and let's face it, we all
have at least one — then you can finally get your lick back and turn them into a
living, crawling cockroach, since they want to be one so bad. For the 13th year
in a row, the Bronx Zoo is bringing back its iconic Name-A-Roach program, which
lets you name a Madagascar Hissing roach after a once-loved one.

For just $15, donors receive a digital certificate confirming the name of their
chosen roach, with the option to upgrade and get colorful roach socks, plush
toys, and even meet the roaches' human caretakers (or you can have it all sent
to your ex's house instead). Orders need to be made by February 8 in order to be
received in time for Valentine's Day. 



RECOMMENDED: The most romantic things to do in NYC

We don't take the high road here — when they go low, we go to hell. Naming a
cockroach after an ex is the epitome of pettiness: For one, few things freak out
New Yorkers more than the mere thought of a roach. To most of us,
they're crawling Satan incarnates that indicate there's something unsavory going
on in the bowels of our apartments. Now, imagine a regular New York roach but
significantly bigger: Madagascar Hissing Roaches can grow up to 3 inches, and
they make a horrifying hissing sound to scare off potential predators.

Photograph: By Julie Larson / Courtesy of the Bronx Zoo

Given the roach's resilience, you might want to take a different approach and
name the creature after your loved one—you know, because your love is as undying
as the formidable species. Who needs chocolates and roses, after all?

At the end of the day, though, it's all for a good cause. Donations go to the
Wildlife Conservation Society, which aims to protect biodiversity all over the
world. So if you're feeling petty and in the mood to spend Valentine's à la
Kafka, you're actually still doing something good for the planet, if not for
your ex's mental health.

 * Ian Kumamoto Staff Writer

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