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MICROSOFT WINDOWS

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Microsoft Windows

OS family Windows Kernel Type PopCorn Latest release Windows 9/11 lead
developing Noob Microsoft Company/developer Microsoft Dumbaration Source model
Stinky Dinosaurs Available language American English, British English, Canadian
English, French English, German English, Ukrainian English, Gibberish, Cockney,
LOLSpeak, Mumble, Nonsense l33t Architectures Supported Officially confirmed to
work correctly on i386, X86-64, ARM, IA64 (Server Only) – it crashes on all of
them. Undesired productivity boost when run under VirtualBox on Ubuntu.

“People liked NASCAR because the constant crashes made it exciting, and this
gave me an idea ...”

~ Bill Gates on Microsoft Windon't BC

Microsoft Windows, also known as "MacOSn't", or simply "Windows", is the
collective name for a series of failures that began in 1983 as a means of
reversing the stagnation of the computer hardware market. Copying features from
other competing platforms, Windows began as an add-on piece of bloated code
latched to the Microsoft Dick Operating System (or "MS-DOS"), but a series
turnings of event eventually allowed Windows saw the opportunity to dominate the
desktop computer platform and become one of the most popular broken software
products of all times.

CONTENTS

* 1 History
* 1.1 Culture shock
* 2 Marketing
* 3 Development
* 4 Internet
* 5 Outline of typical use
* 6 Activation
* 7 Reception
* 8 Partnership with Fisher Price
* 9 The past
* 10 See also
* 11 External links

HISTORY

Windows 45, an unreleased version of Windows

In the year 1981, Microsoft and IBM took the first steps of a relationship that
would eventually dominate the personal computer industry. The marriage of
Microsoft's virtually bulletproof MS-DOS with IBM's premium hardware was an
instant success, and soon gave birth to a host of clone manufacturers who later
became industry giants in their own right: Zenith, Heathkit, and Tandy, to name
a few. Unfortunately, the explosive growth had the side effect of completely
saturating the slowly emerging market. While plenty of satisfied customers were
happily number crunching with VisiCalc, many manufacturers including IBM itself
were left with mountains of unsold inventory. It was until Rowland Hanson, the
head of marketing at Microsoft, who inadvertently hit upon the answer when he
pondered aloud at an executive meeting:

“ It's too bad we couldn’t make people so irritated that they’d throw their
computers out the window. It’d be their own fault, and they'd have to buy a new
unit complete with software once they came back to their senses. ”

This view was vocally supported by then-business manager Steve Ballmer, who
observed:

“ Just because we can build a computer that can run for a hundred years doesn’t
mean we should. I mean, look! It almost killed the light bulb industry! ”

Without so much as another word spoken, it was understood by the whole room that
Microsoft would begin the process of systematically removing all the
improvements it had made to QDOS, the "Quick and Dirty Operating system" it had
purchased from Seattle Computer Products in 1980, and proceeded to initiate the
development of a new software product without the involvement of IBM. The
then-CEO William Henry Gate III argued:

“ And the name? Well, why not "Windows"? Let’s capitalize on peoples’ urges to
throw their computers out the window, shall we? ”

Early on, there were a number of critics who suggested that the name "Windows"
was a reference to the product's fragility. Technology writer Dick Hertz
observed:

“ I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it? Like a window, it seems perfectly clear and
simple to use, but it crashes with the slightest pressure, or sometimes breaks
inexplicably. ”

This speculation was largely curbed when Mr. Hertz was found stabbed, burned,
electrocuted, strangled, shot, and floating in the East River. Gates refused to
comment directly to the press about the incident, but through his press
secretary he stated that the death appeared "accidental".

CULTURE SHOCK

A product placement by Microsoft in the popular sci-fi series Star Trek

Tearing a page directly out of the Steve Jobs' Book of Corporate Culture
Creation – or perhaps it was the Jim Jones' one, no matter – Bill Gates printed
up a scores of T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan "style, not substance" and
set his minions to work. Their mission, if they chose to accept it, was to dial
up the eye-candy while systematically rebugging the software infrastructure. It
was a punishing endeavour: writing bad software is easy, but writing software
that runs like a gazelle but occasionally trips and falls and loses its memory,
or collides in spectacular fashion with some unseen predator who devours it
whole, lashes to limbs proved to be extremely difficult. Early efforts on test
subjects also yielded poor results, with participants eager to throw their
computer out of the nearest non-ground-floor opening but reluctant to visit
ComputerLand for a replacement.

In 2002, Windows XD was introduced.

The test code was subjected to ongoing in-house peer reviews – "VFI", or "Vote
For Inclusion" – with programmers choosing the bugs they liked best.
Unexpectedly, it was not always the most clever or best crafted coding that drew
the most votes. Often, innocuous bits of writing that struck blindside by
delivering an unforeseen playload walked hand-in-hand with obviously chaotic
monsters of destructive programming, and with stupidly crafted pieces of clumsy
kludge following in tow. As it turned out, this carefully selected blend of
predictable error and random terror developed into something akin to the
corporate secret sauce. By allowing test subjects to have an occasionally
pleasant experience (provided they took certain steps to avoid known pitfalls),
they developed an increasing tolerance to the built-in mix of random hardware
and software fault messages, and at times even blamed their own stupidity for
the crash. Before the Environmental Protection Agency was able to substantiate
their half-baked conspiracy theory about some causal link between Microsoft and
the sharp increase in the volume of silicon waste accumulating in municipal
landfills, people began to quit throwing their computers away and instead looked
to Microsoft for answers. The name Windows was retained for marketing reasons,
but also to remind programmers of the development imperative: make it look clear
and easy to use, but easily breakable.

IBM, on the other hand, began their downward spiral into OS/2 and was eventual
taken over by the Chinese. Bill has screwed people over before, as whatshisname
from Seattle Computer Products insists; although he is currently under a
legally-binding non-disclosure agreement to not divulge any further related
details.

MARKETING

A keyboard layout designed by Microsoft marketing department features an "Any"
key for responding certain system messages such as "press any key to continue".

Marketing Windows may seem pointless, since it is not what one pays for and has
the right to receive. Even then, it is simply nuances.

* Fetish marketing. People who used to go into San Francisco bathhouses, put a
ball gag in their mouths, cover their heads in a hood, bend over a table, put
a can of Crisco on their butt, handcuff their hands behind their back, and
wait to feel who came in, were left high and dry for a while in the 1980s,
until they found something better — surfing with Microsoft Internet Explorer!
After dozens of years of development, Microsoft has managed to make a browser
that in full security mode with all the latest updates to everything simply
cannot find a cleavage picture of Rose McGowan on a Web search without
installing two keyloggers in the process, and they are only the ones the
unscrupulous "anti spyware" program developers have not been paid to not
report. While this method of discouraging visits to any "subversive" or
"non-standard" site is less efficient for the national economy than the Great
Firewall of China, it nevertheless generates dozens of times more revenue for
Microsoft.
* License competitions. The International Olympic Committe is currently
entertaining competitions for how many licenses for Windows a single person
can accumulate for personal use. Every time the hard drive on a Windows
machine gets irretrievably obliterated (per an average of approximately six
months) the respective user gets tempted to spend another $500 or more on
another computer with another Windows license. However, some people often
outperform others as they are somewhat more careless than the latter. Plus,
some actually pay to upgrade their software version, as though they would not
be stuck doing it anyway the next time the computer crashed.

DEVELOPMENT

A computing magazine shows a purported image of a Microsoft staff member
transporting the candidate bug lists for Windows 7 to the software development
team in Osaka, Japan.

Longevity studies demonstrated that the error-tolerance and self-blaming
observed in the laboratory was short-term, and the development team were forced
to reevaluate their strategies. After closely examining the implementation
illustration created by the marketing department, their error was immediately
apparent: software designers had created the rider and the stick, but had failed
to produce the carrot for the donkey to follow.

The developers addressed the problem by by providing new software and a new
service support plan:

Support type Translation "Bug Fixes" Coͬde ́that w͢a͎s̬ ̝prͅe̠viou͢sl̬y v͖otͬed̄
f̉or ̴anͮd̋ ̅ap͙prov̾e͋d͈ ̪by͈ th͗e 'VͬFͅI ̎pǎnel̢ ̞ḫa̩s ͇beͫe̷n͚
s̫ubs̡ęq̿ueͪn͂tly̏ re̎mov̘e͛d̛ ͜by tḥe ͩVo͐te for̀ Rem͠oval ͞(VF̈́R) ͓p̺a̴ne͈l.͞
"Telephone support" Soak the customers for $3.99 per minute while reading
chapters on "Reboot" or "Reinstall" verbatim from the book How to use Windows:
New User Experience™. If that fails, direct them to "Bug Fixes" (q.v.) and hype
the upcoming "New Version" (q.v.). "New Versions" Creeping featurism has led to
an otherwise not-dissimilar version of Windows that may seem both aesthetically
and functionally superior to its predecessor but is in fact an introduction of a
new set of VFI'd bugs along with some cherished favourites. "Killer Apps"
Notepad, Minesweeper, Calculator, 3D Text screensaver, Ms Paint, and the
ubiquitous solitaire.

INTERNET

Believing the HP to be nothing more than a glorified Bulletin Board system (BBS)
of use only to a handful of nerds, Gates and company were late-comers to the
browser wars. Their lateness not only cost them the opportunity for software
patents but also threatened them to return the product back to the dark days of
stability. Worldwide communication meant virus and trojan alerts through
newsgroups, file trading in illicit software (like patches and fixes), and worst
of all, troubleshooting by expert users during their free time free of charge.
In short, with the Internet it had never been easier to ensure that a copy of
Windows was running in tip-top shape. Early versions of Internet Explorer proved
unusable, but by installing it by default with every copy of Windows, it offered
the hope of re-establishing imbalance towards the Windows line. The "Windows
Update" website was eventually created to provide the illusion of fast access to
the latest patches and updates, while actually continuing to pipeline the latest
results from the VFI/VFR chess tournament.

Microsoft's masterstroke, yet, was its eventual integration of Internet Explorer
as the operating system's file browser, and the wide scale use of "DirectX"
technology. This not only provided users with direct access to the Internet from
any window but also provided viruses and other malware with direct access to the
user's computer. Combined with its own in-house "anti-virus" software, a truly
attractive but sub-standard software package which developers used their extra
time to carefully construct, Microsoft is guaranteed to foster the cycle of
dependence for many years to come.

OUTLINE OF TYPICAL USE

1. Purchase a PC (or purchase a MacBook and then install Windows);
2. Use it as normal;
3. Develops faults or catches viruses;
4. Reinstall Windows (or restore with Ghost);
5. Use it as normal;
6. Develops faults or catches viruses;
7. Reinstall Windows (or restore with Ghost);
8. Use it as normal;
9. Develops faults or catches viruses;
10. Reinstall Windows (or restore with Ghost);
11. Use it as normal;
12. Develops faults or catches viruses;
13. Reinstall Windows (or restore with Ghost);
14. Use it as normal;

... and so on.

Well.

Finally, exclaim in vain: "Microshit!"

ACTIVATION

With growth of the internet and p2p, software piracy became rife with versions
of windows such as Windows XD: Pirate Edition that were stripped of its "New
Versions" and VFI'd bugs. This had severe consequences for the company, who no
longer had control over what bugs a user was entitled to keep and/or remove.
Microsoft responded by releasing its activation system, along with propriety
adware in the guise of "must-have" software such as Windows Movie Maker and
Windows Live Messenger, among others.

Automatic software updates were also turned on automatically, so all the latest
bugs were always available to the end user. This was in addition to a new
killer-app for Windows Fiesta and beyond; the restart computer reminder. A user
could no longer keep a Windows computer on for more than four hours without
being reminded that their machine needs to be restarted. This is a testament to
the amount of bugs created every minute by Microsoft Employees which need
constant editing; however, a user can enjoy exactly the same behaviour from
their computer by installing Windows 666 without activating it. Microsoft are
working on this problem.

RECEPTION

Windows was met with positively horrible reception when it came out. Critics
cited that nobody was able to hang on to their sanity, and thus were tossed into
a loony bin upon catching a few glimpses of its incredible suckiness. Its
security features were non-existent, and the reception was far from what could
be considered praised by critics and users alike. Windows has influenced
software developers to create annoying security features that take up so much
space and don't work, which is why there are so many insecure operating systems
today. Bill Gates is a fucking moron with an almighty ego!

The developers at Microsoft were crazy to think Internet Explorer would also be
praised for being totally incompatible with most websites, as well as completely
vulnerable to spyware, adware, and viruses. That, and it was slow as fuck, even
if you had a connection that was fast with other browsers like Safari, Opera and
Firefox, which is not a steaming pile of dog feces. Also, IE's pop-up blocker
works at stopping pop-ups only when you completely meant to open it.

PARTNERSHIP WITH FISHER PRICE

Before Vista was released, when Bill Gates was still at Microsoft, Steve Ballmer
had a brilliant idea. He told Gates: "Hey dude, look at this shit," pointing at
a Fisher Price laptop. After an evil smile by Bill Gates, which sounded pretty
much like "hyeyeyeyeyey ... *cough cough* ... hyeyeyeye", Microsoft established
a partnership with Fisher Price.

From then, Fisher Price licensed their "Unique User Interface for Children with
Mental Problems", the UUCMP, to Microsoft. And that's where the famous Aero
interface came from. The similarities got even bigger when Fisher Price released
"Kid OS X Snow Rabbit", which was adopted in Windows 7.

THE PAST

In werepretendingtodevelopit versions the different levels were called null,
fail, craptastic, windows wtf edition and almost works. However the marketing
team decided this wasn't very user friendly so these were changed to the more
comprehensible and accurate names student, home, professional, business,
ultimate, and a new secret edition could be unlocked by typing
"windows_is_so_awesome.exe -like bill.gates into a terminal window which could
be unlocked by typing "windows_is_so_awesome.exe -like bill.gates into a
terminal window which could be unlocked by typing "windows_is_so_awesome.exe
-like bill.gates into a terminal window which could be unlocked by [[X] LOOP
ERROR – ATTEMPT RECOVERY] This included some suggestions for improvements to be
made by the user. unfortunately some bright spark noticed that releasing the
source code would result in it being turned into something that worked by evil
penguins. The bonus version can now be activated only by sending your bank
account details to M****$** who will deal with them under the company privacy
policy.

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