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YOUR DAILY DOSE OF UNADULTERATED FUNNY TWEETS

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@murrman5

·

5 years ago

> [wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto
> tune?
> [me sounding perfect] c’mere baby


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@sofarrsogud

·

1 year ago

> Her: You’re a dumpster fire
> 
> Me: So you think I’m hot??


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@UncleDuke1969

·

1 month ago

> cop: *vomits*
> detective: first axe murder, huh?


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@GenuineRisk1

·

1 year ago

> 


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@Gupton68

·

5 years ago

> wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
> 
> me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
> 
> w: I despise you


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@david8hughes

·

9 years ago

> [puts dog in car]
> Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
> Wife: why u whispering
> [car screeches away]
> Me with wife in headlock: thats why


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@envydatropic

·

8 years ago

> If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
> 
> And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar


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@Shade510

·

2 years ago

> These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it
> would be “melted candle”.


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@HomeWithPeanut

·

2 years ago

> After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson
> transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it
> called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”


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@gerryhatric

·

1 year ago

> I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.


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@JustBeingEmma

·

1 year ago

> I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can
> never touch it again.


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@dumbbeezie

·

7 years ago

> Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a
> psychologist


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@Mardigroan

·

1 year ago

> How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely
> makes it to the living room.


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@AmericanGent69

·

6 years ago

> [Traffic stop]
> 
> Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
> George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
> Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!


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@carlyken

·

9 years ago

> Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
> “No it’s a dream”
> What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
> Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
> Uh nobody go back to sleep


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@scharpling

·

5 years ago

> Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of
> me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”


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@WilliamAder

·

7 years ago

> Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going
> to open.


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@zachsilberberg

·

3 months ago

> shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest
> of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house


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@tiffanyaneal

·

6 years ago

> *checks kid’s backpack*
> 
> *finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
> 
> *zips backpack and walks away*


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@knitOneFUCKYOU

·

12 years ago

> it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.


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@CornOnTheGoblin

·

10 years ago

> ♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
> My stomach reacted badly
> after eating old zucchini ♪
> and I just pooooed ♫


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@Dadsaysjokes

·

1 year ago

> Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
> 
> I was shocked.


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@SvnSxty

·

4 years ago

> I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically
> unrolling half of itself


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@slimmy_shady

·

11 years ago

> Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.


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@kidnappedagain

·

1 year ago

> I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more
> just sheer stupidity.


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@sweetcrazyweird

·

1 year ago

> Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.


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@TheBoydP

·

9 years ago

> Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom
> stall…


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@Ideal_Victoria

·

7 years ago

> [during sex]
> Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
> Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*


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@Stellacopter

·

11 years ago

> Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS
> ZUCKERBERG!


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@Holy_Mowgli

·

6 years ago

> As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to
> eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.


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@brentcetera

·

9 years ago

> SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE.
> ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER


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