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NOT MY CLOSET

Thriving after discovering your partner is LGBT

Get In Touch


WELCOME TO NOT MY CLOSET®

Have you discovered your partner is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender? Have
you found yourself in a closeted mixed-orientation relationship with a person
who now seems like a stranger? Or perhaps you knew they were LGBT and thought it
would work out, but it hasn’t.

You may be experiencing shock, despair, anger, grief and more. You feel betrayed
by the one you thought loved you the most. Or perhaps you’re further along in
your journey – you’re beginning to rebuild your new life and find yourself
again. I want you to know you’re not alone. You will get through this. You will
be okay.

I get it, and I’m so glad you’ve found your way here! I’m Karen, the founder of
Not My Closet®. I am Australia’s only counsellor and coach helping straight men
and women who’ve discovered their partner is LGBT. Working internationally, I
help straight spouses heal, recover and thrive. The betyral trauma you’ve
experienced doesn’t define your future. You can find YOU under the rubble and
emerge with a renewed sense of hope for a better future.  

If you’re a straight spouse looking for counselling or coaching, whether you’re
in Australia or elsewhere, please reach out for help. I see you, hear you, and I
understand something of what you’re going through.

Get in Touch


WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR PARTNER ISN’T STRAIGHT

When your partner discloses, or you discover, that they are lesbian, gay,
bisexual or transgender, it can feel as though your entire world is imploding.
The relationship you thought you had seems to have dissolved into nothingness.
Was it ever real? Who is this person you trusted and thought you knew? The shock
and sense of betrayal can be destabilising and traumatising. It may be difficult
to find support, as many people naturally celebrate your partner’s newfound
authenticity. You may feel isolated, overlooked, and alone in your grief. It’s
difficult to make sense of your new reality, and you grapple with finding a
sense of self-worth again and knowing who to trust.


MOVING ON AFTER DISCOVERING YOUR PARTNER IS LGBT

It’s been a while since you first discovered your husband, wife, or partner is
lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. You’ve gotten through the initial shock
and betrayal, and you’re trying to rebuild your life. Perhaps you’ve decided to
try to make the relationship work, or you’ve found yourself divorced and
possibly a single parent. None of this is what you signed up for. It’s a
struggle to find YOU underneath it all. You realise now that the years of trying
to make the relationship work without knowing the truth have greatly impacted
your self-worth. Now that you’re on the other side of the closet,  you’re trying
to create a better life for yourself.


FROM DISCOVERY TO SURVIVAL AND THRIVING




EARLY DAYS AFTER DISCOVERING YOUR PARTNER IS LGBT

 * You may be feeling a mix of emotions, from shock and anger, to grief and
   despair.
 * You may be incredibly confused about what to do, how to make sense of it, and
   how to (or if you should) end the relationship.




CAN YOU MAKE YOUR MIXED-ORIENTATION RELATIONSHIP WORK?

 * You’re not ready to give up on this relationship. You think you want to make
   this radically different relationship work somehow, but your friends and
   family think you’re ‘crazy’
 * You may wonder if you’re being idealistic, and you wonder why it’s so hard to
   let it go




SEPARATION AND DIVORCE - A NEW CHAPTER

 * Sometimes you’re a mess, lonely, and afraid you’ll never be able to trust and
   love again.
 * You’re coming to terms with the loss of the relationship you thought you had
 * You’re learning to cope – even beginning to thrive in your new life!


STRAIGHT SPOUSE COUNSELLING & COACHING




INDIVIDUAL COUNSELLING

 

For straight women and men with LGBT partners

For people who’ve had a parent come out as LGBT

For closeted LGBT people wanting to come out to their partner



RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING

 

Discernment Counselling: to stay or separate?

Couple Therapy: working on your mixed relationship

Separation & Divorce Counselling: amicable endings



THERAPEUTIC SUPPORT GROUP

 

Therapeutic support groups for healing and recovery

A sacred, safe space to heal and grow together

You don’t have to go through this alone



TRAUMA RECOVERY COACHING

 

Write the next chapter of your story

Create a life you love, in spite of what’s happened!

Dare to love and trust yourself and others again


HOW ‘NOT MY CLOSET’ CAME TO BE

Hi, I’m Karen, and I founded Not My Closet as a place to support and advocate
for straight partners and partners of trans people who’ve found themselves in a
relationship with a closeted LGBT person). 

You may feel as though ‘no one gets it;’ you may feel pressured to silence your
pain because the one who hurt you is from a minority that has for too long been
ostracised and vilified. You may feel that you can’t speak out loud about your
pain and grief for a multitude of reasons. You may feel unseen, unheard, and
unacknowledged.

I know this because I’ve been where you are now. Or somewhere like it. I, too,
am a straight spouse. I’m also a counsellor and coach and my specialty is
working with straight spouses just like you. Whether you’ve discovered your
partner is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, you are no longer alone. I see
you, and I’m here to help. You don’t need to go through this alone.

Contact

Note: This site is LGBTQIA-affirming – but focused on the heterosexual/cis
partner in mixed-orientation relationships. The rights of LGBTQIA+ people to
live authentically are acknowledged and respected. The rights of
straight/cisgender partners to make an informed choice about who they marry is
also acknowledged and respected. Both stories matter. 




AS SEEN IN…




LATEST BLOG POSTS


DISCOVERING YOUR PARTNER’S SECRET SEXUALITY

by Karen - Not My Closet | Apr 11, 2023 | Mixed-Orientation Relationships

Last week, on the TV show, Insight, the topic was “Discovering a Hidden Past.”
The key questions addressed were: Should discovering a loved one's buried past
impact your...

read more


HEY STRAIGHT SPOUSE, ARE YOU MAD AF?

by Guest Author | Mar 23, 2023 | Healing and Recovery

As straight spouses and partners of transgender people, we often find ourselves
in situations where we are shamed for feeling angry. This can happen when people
tell us that we...

read more


VALENTINE’S DAY: THE DAY I ACCIDENTALLY GOT ENGAGED TO A GAY MAN

by Karen - Not My Closet | Feb 14, 2023 | Mixed-Orientation Relationships

Valentine’s Day may be especially lonely for straight spouses in closeted
mixed-orientation marriages. You can be your own Valentine!

read more

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