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 * Jaycee Knox
 * 
 * * 9 hours ago
   * 
   * 6 min read




MY MORMON EXPERIENCE, PART 2

The weight of shame and guilt consumed me as I tried to deal with the aftermath
of being a victim of sexual assault. The trauma I experienced left deep scars
within me and an overwhelming sense of shame prevented me from seeking help or
sharing my pain with anyone.






I carried the burden of my anguish in silence, locking away my emotions in the
darkness I felt was in me. The fear of judgment and disbelief gnawed at me,
convincing me that my voice would be silenced, my truth dismissed. So, I buried
my feelings deep inside, desperately attempting to erase the haunting memories.
I became a prisoner of my own silence, trapped in a cycle of self-blame and
self-doubt that I was taught so my own doing.






Being an active member of the church, I constantly received comments from fellow
congregation members and sometimes even family, praising my righteousness and
considering me a chosen spirit from heaven destined to spread the true word of
God in the latter days. This constant expectation to live up to this ideal
became the most damaging aspect of my life.






I felt immense pressure to maintain a facade of perfection and righteousness,
fearing that I would disappoint everyone if I showed any signs of struggle or
imperfection. This burden prevented me from seeking help or guidance from
anyone, as I believed I had to be a shining example of faith and devotion at all
times. 






I felt expected to return home to Ohio and be seen as more righteous, ready to
settle down with a woman. I observed the excitement and celebration that
surrounded those in the church who came back from college or a mission,
seemingly more righteous and happier. However, I also witnessed the distress and
humiliation experienced by families when the opposite occurred - friends
returning early from college or a mission, not due to medical reasons, and with
less faith. These individuals were often ostracized and subjected to gossip and
ridicule. I didn't want to be the cause of such shame for my own family.






Eventually, I reached a point where I believed suicide was the only solution, as
I felt destined for hell anyway. One night, I found the courage to call my mom
and express my desire to end my life. In that moment, I realized that deep down,
what I truly wanted to scream was that I was gay, and the pressure to conform to
societal expectations was suffocating me.






My mom had me wake up my roommate and asked me to explain to him that I was
feeling suicidal and needed to go to the Emergency Room. Little did I know, this
moment marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life. 






To my surprise, Derek Nelson, a close friend, visited me in the ER. Derek has
also been a role model to me and a bright ray of hope in the Hemophilia
community. He brought me a shirt that had the words "Brave Is In My Blood"
printed on it. I still cherish this shirt and wear it often, as it serves as a
reminder of how far I have come and how much further I can go. 






Derek was the first person I confided in about my sexuality. When I told Derek
that I was gay, he reacted with compassion and understanding. He held me in his
arms as I sobbed, offering a safe space for me to express my truth. Derek
reassured me that he accepted me for who I was and that our friendship would
remain unchanged. His reaction provided me with a sense of relief and
acceptance, allowing me to begin embracing my identity with more confidence and
self-acceptance.






I was eventually admitted to a mental health facility, an experience that was
both frightening and transformative. While I initially felt unhappy about being
there, I now recognize that it was a crucial turning point that saved my life.
During my stay, I had access to valuable resources and supportive counselors who
helped me navigate and accept my true identity. Additionally, I received
guidance on how to cope with the challenges of leaving the Mormon Church,
providing me with the necessary tools to navigate this significant transition in
my life and finally be happy.






A few months after my discharge, I felt ready to return to Ohio and embark on a
new chapter of my life—one where I could fully embrace my true self without
hiding.






Determined to sever ties with the Mormon church, I sought the assistance of a
lawyer to have my records removed. This was important to me as I no longer
desired contact from the church, including visits from missionaries or attempts
to reactivate me as an active member. Since leaving the Mormon church and
embracing my authentic self, I have experienced a profound sense of relief. It
feels as though a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. 






While it is true that I have lost some friends along the way, their absence no
longer weighs on me. The positive transformation in my life since living
authentically far outweighs any losses I have experienced to conform to
standards written in a set of books. I am grateful for the newfound freedom and
happiness that being true to myself has brought into my life.






I vividly recall the day I mustered up the courage to share my coming out
journey with the world on Facebook. It feels like it happened just yesterday. In
that pivotal moment, I found solace in the presence of my sister, who stood by
my side, offering unwavering support. With her encouragement, I hit the "post"
button, symbolizing my readiness to embrace my true self openly.














To fully immerse myself in the joyous occasion, I made the conscious decision to
disconnect from the digital world by turning off my phone. Together, my sister
and I embarked on an adventure to a Hemophilia event, where we were surrounded
by a community.






Although my recollection of the event itself may be hazy, one memory remains
etched in my heart: sliding down a vibrant blow-up slide alongside my sister. In
that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of acceptance and love radiating from
those around me. It was a powerful reminder that I am embraced for exactly who I
am, and that my journey towards self-acceptance is met with open arms.






Ever since I took the brave step of coming out, my life has been filled with
incredible blessings. One of the most profound gifts has been finding the love
of my life, Adam. Being such a vital part of my life, it was an honor to have
Derek as our officiant at our wedding and I am forever grateful for the
unwavering support and love that Derek has shown me.






Adam and I have embarked on countless adventures, creating a life that is
uniquely ours. We leaped and bought a home, transforming it into a sanctuary
where our love can flourish. Our furry companions, Rocko and Spike, have brought
immeasurable joy to our lives as we proudly embrace the role of dog dads.






Exploring the world hand in hand, and in our pursuit of fulfillment and
self-expression, we started our own business, Vintage Solutions. This endeavor
has allowed us to channel our passions and talents into something meaningful,
while also providing us with a sense of purpose and accomplishment, digitizing
and preserving family history and bringing joy to our customers. 






I am filled with a sense of wonder and anticipation for what our future holds.
Currently, I wear many hats - a rare disease writer, a bleeding disorder
advocate, and the Vice President of the Diversity Chamber of Central Ohio, Owner
and Operator of Vintage Solutions, and lets not forget my favorite titles of
all, Husband, Uncle, and dog dad.  






This is a story of hope, one that I hope inspires and uplifts. While the path
ahead may be uncertain, I am fueled by the belief that my efforts will make a
difference and that together, we can create a brighter and more inclusive future
for all.






To all those who may be grappling with their identity or facing challenges, I
want to offer a heartfelt message of hope: It does get better. I understand that
the journey you're on may be difficult, and filled with pain and uncertainty.
But amidst the darkness, there is always a glimmer of light, a beacon of hope
that guides you towards a brighter future.






Embrace your authentic self, for it is a beautiful and unique expression of who
you are.






Surround yourself with the love and acceptance of those who genuinely care for
you, who see your worth and celebrate your individuality. These are the people
who will uplift you, support you, and help you navigate through the toughest of
times.






Remember, you are deserving of happiness and fulfillment. Your struggles do not
define you; they are merely stepping stones on your path of growth and
self-discovery. Reach out to those who offer genuine love and support, for they
will be your pillars of strength, guiding you toward a future filled with joy
and possibility.






Hold onto hope, for it is a powerful force that can carry you through even the
darkest moments. Believe in yourself, trust in your resilience, and know that
you are not alone. The journey may be challenging, but with time, patience, and
the unwavering support of those who truly care, you will emerge stronger, wiser,
and ready to embrace the beautiful life that awaits you.














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