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MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES

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All quotesNew Quotes (10)CandyCarsComedyFunnyHateHomeHousemore...
 * 

 * I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all
   the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to
   the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Travel, Fall
   "Making Maps, Second Edition" by John Krygier, Denis Wood, The Guilford
   Press, (p. 58), 2011.
   59 Copy quote
   

 * I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're
   goin', and hook up with them later.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Life, Dream
   78 Copy quote
   

 * An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see
   an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily
   Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Sorry, Humor
   57 Copy quote
   

 * I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I
   have bread.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Ducks, Comedian, Bread
   "Just For Laughs: On The Edge". 2002.
   34 Copy quote
   

 * I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would
   drive you crazy.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Crazy, Humor
   93 Copy quote
   

 * I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Wine, Humor
   Live album: "Mitch All Together". Track 3 "Not Track Five, Not Chainsaw
   Juggler", December 9, 2003.
   26 Copy quote
   

 * I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Humor, Long
   "Strategic Grill Locations". 1999.
   37 Copy quote
   

 * Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Humor, Really Cool
   "Do You Believe In Gosh?". Comedy album by Mitch Hedberg, 2008.
   55 Copy quote
   

 * I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Humor, Drug
   22 Copy quote
   

 * When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Hurt, Humor
   26 Copy quote
   

 * I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too.
   How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not
   eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Home, Humor
   12 Copy quote
   

 * My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Leadership, Sarcastic
   "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.
   108 Copy quote
   

 * I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear
   joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear
   is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the
   forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot
   like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should
   adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has
   there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Humor, Mean
   8 Copy quote
   

 * My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really
   know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Real, Hero
   20 Copy quote
   

 * Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Humor, Degrees
   12 Copy quote
   

 * The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll
   never be as good as a wall.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Depressing, Wall
   38 Copy quote
   

 * I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day
   that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived.
   But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Humor, Cutting
   11 Copy quote
   

 * My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a
   regular banana later, so... yeah.'
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Food, Humor
   "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, www.theguardian.com.
   December 9, 2003.
   20 Copy quote
   

 * I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Humor, Impossible
   14 Copy quote
   

 * Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands
   instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know,
   your bass player turns into a can of soup.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Humor, Player
   19 Copy quote
   

 * When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother
   was.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Brother, Humor
   "Live album: "Mitch All Together"". December 9, 2003.
   33 Copy quote
   

 * I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Hate, Animal, Giraffe
   30 Copy quote
   

 * Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of
   something.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Food, Humor
   67 Copy quote
   

 * Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   Funny, Lonely, Humor
   15 Copy quote
   

 * Every picture of you is when you were younger.
   
   Mitch Hedberg
   
   4 Copy quote
   
 * 

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Mitch Hedberg quotes about:New Quotes
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Steven Wright

Bill Hicks

George Carlin

Demetri Martin

Doug Stanhope

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Emo Philips

Richard Pryor




LATEST QUOTES FROM INTERVIEWS

"When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to
happen fast. You don't want to see yourself having to do this for seven years
before you start to get some feedback."

- Mitch Hedberg,
www.comedymoontower.com, added Sep 4, 2015
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MITCH HEDBERG

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 * Born: February 24, 1968
 * Died: March 29, 2005
 * Occupation: Comedian
 * Cite this Page: Citation

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