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Slideshow

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BACK HERE



Basketball

DIMINISHED JAMES HARDEN NOT FLOPPING WITH SAME AGILITY



News In Brief

GRADUATION AUDIENCE TEARS UP AFTER SKELETON SHOWS UP TO ACCEPT POSTHUMOUS DEGREE

TUCSON, AZ—Moved by the emotion of the moment, the audience at the University of
Arizona’s graduation ceremony reportedly teared up Friday after a skeleton
showed up to receive his posthumous degree. “Wow, this is a truly beautiful
sight to behold,”…


News In Brief

ALIENS MAKING FIRST CONTACT EXCITEDLY ASK TO MEET PRINCESS DI

WASHINGTON—Gushing excitedly about their favorite woman in the entire solar
system, extraterrestrials from Galaxy 588x43 reportedly asked during their first
contact Thursday when they could meet Diana, Princess of Wales. “Greetings,
people of Earth,…



TikTok

NEW ABORTION WAITING PERIOD LAW REQUIRES WOMEN TO SPEND NIGHT IN CREEPY OLD
HOUSE ON HILL



News In Brief

COUPLE’S WEDDING WEBSITE HAS 18-PLUS SECTION WHERE GUESTS CAN READ STORY OF
FIRST HOOKUP



News In Brief

BARRY WHITE ESTATE SHARES PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED ALBUM FROM ERA WHEN SINGER WAS
CONFUSED VIRGIN FRIGHTENED BY SEX


News In Brief

MARS INTRODUCES NEW CRAB-STUFFED M&M’S






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ONION GIFT GUIDE: MOTHER’S DAY GIFTS FOR EVERY TYPE OF MOM



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WORST THINGS TO SAY TO SOMEONE WITH ROAD RAGE




Cartoons

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News In Photos

NEW DANNON BLUE AGAVE YOGURT FEATURES HALLUCINOGENIC WORM ON BOTTOM



Infographic

2022 MIDTERMS: PRIMARY ELECTIONS TO WATCH


TikTok

AIRLINES ANNOUNCE IT SAFE TO FLY PLANES INDOORS AGAIN





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FOIL BLANKET DRAPED OVER PANTING COWORKER WHO JUST TOOK STAIRS



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POOR KID REALLY GOOD AT GROCERY PART OF ‘THE PRICE IS RIGHT’




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JUSTICE ALITO SOMBERLY TIES NOOSE AFTER REALIZING HE NOT MENTIONED IN
CONSTITUTION



Entertainment

THE ONION LOOKS BACK AT 199 TRIMESTERS OF REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS IN AMERICA






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News In Brief

MAN OPENING MAILBOX AGAIN KNOWS HE STILL WON’T FIND ANYTHING TO EAT IN THERE

AUSTIN, TX—Mindlessly checking for the third time in the past couple hours, area
man Darrell Hawkins reported Tuesday that he had just opened his mailbox again
despite already knowing there was nothing to eat in there. “I didn’t find
anything good…


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PARENTS SUPPORT SON’S DREAM OF BECOMING NASCAR DRIVER BY PUTTING UP 2.5-MILE
MOTOR SPEEDWAY IN BACKYARD



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REAL ESTATE AGENT DRIVEN INSANE BY ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES OF NOOK



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PAINTBALL COURSE TRIGGERS COMBAT VETERAN’S FLASHBACK TO AFGHANISTAN PAINTBALL
COURSE



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OVERLY CAUTIOUS PREGNANT WOMAN ONLY GOING TO RIDE ROLLER COASTER 6 OR 7 TIMES





POLITICS

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News In Brief

OHIO LAW MANDATES RAPE VICTIMS SEND THANK YOU NOTES FOR GIFT OF PARENTHOOD

COLUMBUS, OH—Eliciting both outrage and acclaim from each side of the political
aisle, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a new law Friday mandating that rape
victims send thank you notes to perpetrators for the gift of parenthood.
“Parenthood is…



Commentary

THANK GOD I LIVE IN NEW JERSEY – BY ERIC ADAMS


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CONGRESS PASSES $33 BILLION BILL TO SEND WAR-TORN UKRAINE FREE COMMUNITY COLLEGE




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BIDEN TRIES TO BOOST APPROVAL RATINGS BY SHOWING A LITTLE ANKLE


News In Brief

DIANNE FEINSTEIN ARGUES SHE STILL PERFECTLY MENTALLY FIT TO CONTINUE CAPTAINING
SUBMARINE






IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

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QUIZ: IS IT TRASH OR RECYCLING?



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WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE CONSIDERING ABORTION




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BEST WAYS TO MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT







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News

GOOD NEWS RPG FANS: WE’RE ALL CONSTANTLY PLAYING SOME KIND OF ROLE NO MATTER
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SQUARE ENIX WRITERS EXPLAIN WHY THEY’LL NEVER PUT THE COWARD MARLIN INTO A
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CUT IT OUT: YOU CAN CRITICIZE KING K. ROOL’S ACTIONS WITHOUT RESORTING TO
INSULTING HIS WEIGHT



News

ULTIMATE BETRAYAL: IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT THERE IS A NON-GAMER WITHIN
THE RANKS OF OUR READERSHIP, AND WE WILL FIND YOU






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The Onion's Mother's Day Gift Guide
Fuddruckers Pursues Market Opportunity By Opening 1,000 Locations In Russia
Airlines Announce It Safe To Fly Planes Indoors Again
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News In Brief

BARRY WHITE ESTATE SHARES PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED ALBUM FROM ERA WHEN SINGER WAS
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DIMINISHED JAMES HARDEN NOT FLOPPING WITH SAME AGILITY



Football

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Basketball

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Baseball

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OPINION

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American Voices

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STANFORD UNIVERSITY RECEIVES $1.1 BILLION FOR NEW CLIMATE SCHOOL



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STUDY FINDS DOGS’ PERSONALITIES HAVE LITTLE TO DO WITH BREED