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   * Natural Anti-Depressants: Skills vs Pills
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     * Getting to Know Each Other Better Exercise
     * Instructions for Time Out and Problem Solving
   * Anger Management
   * Eating Disorder
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   * Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder
   * Adult ADHD
   * What is SAD?
   * Borderline Personality Disorder
   * Effect of Therapist Self Disclosure on Therapeutic Alliance and Drop Out
   * Why We Need a Journal of Non Significant Findings
   * The Relapse 2nd Article
   * The Relapse
 * Meditation
   * Meditation Instruction Video
   * Instructions for Meditation and Containment
   * Containment Instruction Video
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Navigation Menu
 * Home
 * Services
 * Helpful Articles and Exercises
   * Natural Anti-Depressants: Skills vs Pills
   * Instructions for Letting Go
   * Relationship Discord
     * Getting to Know Each Other Better Exercise
     * Instructions for Time Out and Problem Solving
   * Anger Management
   * Eating Disorder
 * Posted Articles
   * Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder
   * Adult ADHD
   * What is SAD?
   * Borderline Personality Disorder
   * Effect of Therapist Self Disclosure on Therapeutic Alliance and Drop Out
   * Why We Need a Journal of Non Significant Findings
   * The Relapse 2nd Article
   * The Relapse
 * Meditation
   * Meditation Instruction Video
   * Instructions for Meditation and Containment
   * Containment Instruction Video
 * Find Us

 * Home
 * Services
 * Helpful Articles and Exercises
   * Natural Anti-Depressants: Skills vs Pills
   * Instructions for Letting Go
   * Relationship Discord
     * Getting to Know Each Other Better Exercise
     * Instructions for Time Out and Problem Solving
   * Anger Management
   * Eating Disorder
 * Posted Articles
   * Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder
   * Adult ADHD
   * What is SAD?
   * Borderline Personality Disorder
   * Effect of Therapist Self Disclosure on Therapeutic Alliance and Drop Out
   * Why We Need a Journal of Non Significant Findings
   * The Relapse 2nd Article
   * The Relapse
 * Meditation
   * Meditation Instruction Video
   * Instructions for Meditation and Containment
   * Containment Instruction Video
 * Find Us


RELATIONSHIP DISCORD

Couples Communication to Resolve Marital Discord

 Dr. David Burns’s theory of relationship discord: We provoke and maintain the
relationship problems we complain about.  We act as if we are the victims of the
other person’s behaviour.  We get some rewards by being the victim.  For
example, being angry, upset etc. with our partners give us some power and
control over them.  We find it painful, shocking, and embarrassing to look at
our own behaviour.  However, if we don’t look at our behaviour we will continue
to endlessly engage in this cycle of provoking and maintaining our marital
problems.

Beliefs that Erode Relationships

Submissiveness/Dependency Demandingness/Detachment
 * Pleasing others: I have to please you even if that makes me feel miserable
   and cheated.
 * Conflict Phobia:  We should never fight. Conflict is dangerous so we’ll avoid
   conflict by not saying anything.
 * You’re too weak: You’ll fall apart if I give you feedback.  You can’t handle
   it so I won’t tell you what I need.
 * The Mindreader: If you really love me, I shouldn’t need to tell you what I
   want, you should just know.
 * I need your approval to feel happy.
 * Fear of Rejection: If you reject me I’m worthless.
 * Love Addiction: I can’t be happy if I’m not in a relationship.

 

 * Entitlement: You should always treat me the way I expect.  It’s your job to
   make me happy.
 * The Judge: If you don’t meet my expectations, I have the right to get mad and
   punish you.
 * I’m Right: I’m right and you’re wrong and you better admit it to me.
 * The Controller: I must be in control of everything.  I can’t stand being
   vulnerable or having ambiguity.  I can’t leave anything up to my partner.  My
   partner is incompetent; s/he can’t do tasks or won’t get to them.  My partner
   won’t do tasks according to my standards.  I must do them all.  Things must
   be done my way.
 * Blamer: All the problems are your fault so you better change yourself so we
   can have a good relationship.
 * The Achiever: My self-esteem depends on my achievements.  Without these
   achievements, I’m nothing.
 * Perfectionism: I must never fail or even make a mistake.  I must have nothing
   wrong with me, if I do, it means I’m worthless
 * Perceived Perfectionism: You won’t accept me if I’m not perfect.
 * Disclosure Phobia: I can’t tell you how I feel or what I need, I have to keep
   my true self hidden because if I show you, you’ll reject me.

Couples Therapy Treatment Plan: 

 

Find the beliefs that are eroding the relationship.  Consider the benefits and
drawbacks of maintaining these beliefs. Dispute these beliefs and replace with
healthy ones that maintain a healthy relationship.  Learn healthy communication
so both partners communicate their needs.

 

Healthy Communication: Use the EAR

 

Empathy:  Show you are listening by stating the other person’s thoughts and
feelings and asking if that is what s/he meant.

 

Assertiveness: Convey your thoughts and feelings respectfully: I feel….. when
we……  or when this happens…….Could we brainstorm and find something that works
for us?  Can we problem solve together?  Disarming technique: find truth in the
criticism rather than defending yourself (which leads to more conflict).

Getting to know each other better exercises

Instructions for time out and problem solving

Respect: You mention and think about the positive things and strengths of your
partner and admire and respect the person.

 







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   * Containment Instruction Video
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 * POSTED ARTICLES
   
   * Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder
   * Adult ADHD
   * What is SAD?
   * Borderline Personality Disorder
   * Effect of Therapist Self Disclosure on Therapeutic Alliance and Drop Out
   * Why We Need a Journal of Non Significant Findings
   * The Relapse 2nd Article
   * The Relapse

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