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Relationships



I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND, BUT IS IT TIME TO BREAK UP?

We're so happy together, but I worry I'll miss my chance to meet someone else.

By Hannah Orenstein
Sep. 22, 2022
Lindsay Hattrick/Elite Daily; Clique Images/Stocksy; Hannah Orenstein
Dating, Decoded

Dating, Decoded is a bimonthly advice column about single life, dating, and
relationships, written by Hannah Orenstein, a romance novelist, former
matchmaker, and Elite Daily’s former Deputy Editor of Dating. Here, Hannah gives
her advice on the best time to break up with someone you love, but ultimately
can’t picture yourself with forever.

Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost four years. I love him and he is my
very best friend. But I know he’s not the guy I should marry. There are small
things about his outlook on life, his career choices, and his relationship with
his parents that make me hesitant to ever have a family with him. My question
is, when is the right time to break up? He’s equally as hesitant about our
future (though not for the same reasons) but we are both so happy with each
other we have yet to want to split. I’m worried that if we stay together for a
few more years I will have missed out on meeting someone that might be my future
husband, but at the same time, there’s no one I want to be with right now other
than him. What should I do? — Jane



A: Hi Jane! You say that if you stay together for a few more years, you’ll
potentially miss out on meeting your future husband. I hate to start by being
such a bummer, but the thing is, we’re all missing out on incredible things all
the time.

That guy you saw buying pasta at the grocery store last week? It’s totally
possible that he shares your dream of visiting every national park, and also
loves those TikToks featuring sea otters holding hands, and also gets
embarrassingly hyped up about his Duolingo streak. Maybe Pasta Guy has the kind
of emotional stability and thoughtfulness that will make you feel safe, and he
knows how to work through an argument without getting defensive. Maybe he was
even browsing for fusilli, which happens to be your favorite noodle shape, too.
You two could have an absurdly happy life together.

But you know what? If you and Pasta Guy never see each other again, you’re not
destined for a bleak life of loneliness. You’ll probably bump into someone
equally as compatible when you’re renewing your driver’s license at the DMV. We
all have infinite possibilities — some that we explore and some we don’t.

My point is that there’s no single “right” time to break up with your boyfriend.
You won’t miss out on your perfect person by temporarily staying in this
relationship — you’ll just meet a different perfect person later on. Maybe
that’s OK. Or maybe it isn’t. It sounds like you’ve already spent some time
exploring who you are and what you need from a partner. It’s also worth thinking
through a few other questions.

If you stay together for the next few years, what circumstances would eventually
prompt you to break up? How would it feel to be in this relationship if you know
a breakup will happen down the road? If your current boyfriend isn’t quite the
right fit, what kind of person would you want to date instead? Post-breakup, do
you think you’d regret your choice to prolong the relationship if you wind up
struggling to meet someone else? And not that you can control luck or timing,
but when would you ideally want to get married? What do you want the next
chapter of your life to look like and feel like? Do you want kids, and if so,
does that impact your preferred timeline? (It’s impossible to predict what will
happen in the future or how you’ll feel about things, but do your best to
guess.)


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I think you should be honest with your boyfriend about your answers to these
questions, and you should hear him out, too. You built this relationship
together, and together, you can figure out where to go from here. Even if making
a conscious decision to part ways is sad, it’d be worse if one of you felt led
on or blindsided by a sudden split. If you care deeply about each other, neither
of you should want to derail the other’s plans.

Do yourselves the favor of having this discussion at a time when you’re both
free to talk, not running out the door or falling asleep. This conversation
probably won’t be easy. You might tear up, get tongue-tied, or feel frustrated
at times. It probably won’t just be one convo, but several. Once you’ve both
openly communicated, though, the path forward might feel clearer.

Maybe you’ll keep dating but won’t move in together or foster a dog like you’ve
been talking about. Maybe you’ll agree to stay together and check in with each
other regularly to see if your feelings have evolved. Maybe you’ll realize
you’re on two separate paths and decide to let go of the relationship. Maybe
you’ll start to wonder if you’d be even happier single.

Also, I’m curious about your boyfriend’s take on all of this. You say he’s
equally hesitant about the future for a different reason — why? It’s one thing
if he’s worried about long-term compatibility, too. But if he’s less emotionally
invested in this relationship, or less happy together than you are, that’s a
sign to walk away. You deserve someone who lights up around you the same way you
light up around them.

I don’t know you or your specific circumstances beyond what you’ve told me, so I
don’t know what solution makes the most sense here. But I won’t lie — the fact
that you’re asking this question at all makes me wonder if deep down, you
already know it’s time to break up and you’re seeking external validation that
this decision is right. You might be ready to move on from this relationship but
feel like you can’t justify splitting up because you don’t have a “real reason.”
But you know what? You don’t need any reason beyond being ready for something
new. That’s a perfectly good reason on its own. If you know a breakup will
happen eventually, kicking the can down the road doesn’t make it any less
painful.

Four years is a long time to be with someone. It’s OK to evolve. It’s normal to
feel nervous about stepping into the next chapter of your life. But eventually,
you have to take the leap.

— Hannah

Dating, Decoded appears on Elite Daily every other Thursday. Have a question?
Submit it here.

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