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Skip to main content A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World * The Healthy * Games * Home * Humor * Knowledge * Holidays * Subscribe * Best Bed Cooling Systems RD.COM Jokes Animal Jokes ANIMAL JOKES LAUGH IT UP WITH THESE FUNNY ANIMAL JOKES. Looking for funny and corny animal jokes? Read our animal jokes for kids and animal puns such as our cat puns and dog puns that every animal advocate should have under his or her paw. SHORT JOKES ANYONE CAN REMEMBER CLEVER JOKES THAT MAKE YOU SOUND SMART FUNNY EXAMPLES OF IRONY IN REAL LIFE OUR HARDEST RIDDLES EVER Scroll For More >> RATTLE SNAKE Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?” —Steve Smith Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you... Read More Share SLUGGISH SNAIL Q: Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? A: He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. Q: Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? A: He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. Share LOYAL SNAKE It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake. —Roy Blount, humorist It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed. Nobody wants a loyal snake. —Roy Blount, humorist Share GET MORE JOKES, PUNS AND RIDDLES * Animal Jokes * Animal Puns * Bad Puns * Bar Jokes * Birthday Jokes * Cat Jokes * Cat Puns * Christmas Jokes * Coffee Jokes * Computer Jokes * Corny Jokes * Customer Service Jokes * Cute Puns * Dad Jokes * Daily Life Jokes * Diet Jokes * Doctor Jokes * Dog Jokes * Dog Puns * Dumb and Funny Jokes * Easter Jokes * Family Jokes * Food Jokes * Food Puns * Funny Headlines * Funny Quotes * Funny Stories * Halloween Jokes for Kids * Holiday Jokes * Kids’ Jokes * Knock-Knock Jokes * Lawyer Jokes * Love Jokes * Marriage Jokes * Math Jokes * Math Puns * Military Jokes * Mom Jokes * Money Jokes * Music Puns * Office Jokes * Old Age Jokes * One-Liners * Political Jokes * Puns * Relationship Jokes * Religious Jokes * Riddles * Santa Jokes * School Jokes * Science Jokes * Skeleton Puns * Sports Jokes * Text Jokes * Thanksgiving Jokes * Travel Jokes * Turkey Jokes * Valentine’s Day Jokes * Weather Jokes * Weight Loss Jokes SEE ALL CATEGORIES BAD JOKES THAT YOU CAN’T HELP BUT LAUGH AT FUNNY PHOTOS THAT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD HILARIOUSLY LITERAL ANTI-JOKES CHEESY PICK-UP LINES GUARANTEED TO GET A LAUGH Scroll For More >> CATS AND SENTENCES Q: How are a cat and a sentence different? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has a pause at the end of its clause! Q: How are a cat and a sentence different? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has a pause at the end of its... Read More Share DRY PENGUIN Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert? A: Lost Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert? A: Lost Share FASTER THAN A SNAIL Q: What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back? A: Wheeeeeeeee Q: What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back? A: Wheeeeeeeee Share COOK A GATOR Q: What is the best way to cook a gator? A: In a crock-pot Q: What is the best way to cook a gator? A: In a crock-pot Share MOVING FAST Q: What did the snail say as he rode along on the turtle's back? A: Wheeee! Q: What did the snail say as he rode along on the turtle's back? A: Wheeee! Share TURTLE RECALL An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?" ...... "Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said. "Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?" "Well I have turtle recall," replied the elephant. An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, “Why... Read More Share LAZY KANGAROO Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A: A pouch potato. Q: What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A: A pouch potato. Share SLEEPING DOGS On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.” On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.” Share INKY PIG Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face? A: Because it came out of the pen. Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face? A: Because it came out of the pen. Share PUT A RING ON IT? A college girl was visiting my farm and noticed the ring in our bull's nose. Intrigued, she asked, "Did you put that ring in his nose or was he born that way?" A college girl was visiting my farm and noticed the ring in our bull’s nose. Intrigued, she asked, “Did you put that ring in his nose or was he born... Read More Share MILK TOO MUCH Why do cows never have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry! Why do cows never have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry! Share ESCARGOT A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big "S" on the side to show everyone the car is his. While he's flexing his new car down the streets of Los Angeles, he passes an elderly couple sitting on their porch. As he passes the man exclaims to his wife, " Look at that S-Car-Go!" A snail named Samuel just got a raise working as a realtor. He decided since he got this money he will get a custom sports car with a big “S”... Read More Share LAUGHING STOCK A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community! A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community! Share DRESSY ALLIGATOR Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? A: An Investigator! Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? A: An Investigator! Share CLUMSY FISH Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? A: "Dam!" Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? A: "Dam!" Share SERPENTS PLUS SWEETS Q. What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert? A. A pie-thon! Q. What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert? A. A pie-thon! Share TWO GIRAFFES ARE DRIVING Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide? A: A giraffic jam Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide? A: A giraffic jam Share FROGMOBILE Q: What happened when the frog's car broke down on the side of the road? A: It gets toad away. Q: What happened when the frog's car broke down on the side of the road? A: It gets toad away. Share ANIMALS WITH SMARTS Q: What's the smartest animal? A: A fish because they stay in schools! Q: What's the smartest animal? A: A fish because they stay in schools! Share WHALE THAT’S FUNNY Q: Why did the whale cross the street? A: To get to the other tide. Q: Why did the whale cross the street? A: To get to the other tide. Share HACKERS BEWARE My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat. My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat. Share MONEY STINKS Q: How much money does a skunk have? A: One scent! Q: How much money does a skunk have? A: One scent! Share BUG PLUS BIRD Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A. A walkie-talkie! Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot? A. A walkie-talkie! Share PISCES PLUS PACHYDERM Q. What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? A. Swimming trunks! Q. What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant? A. Swimming trunks! Share THIS LITTLE DOG WENT TO THE MARKET Q: What type of market should you NEVER take your dog? A: A flea market! Q: What type of market should you NEVER take your dog? A: A flea market! Share DOG BREEDS Q: Which dog breed is guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes? A: A Chi-ha-ha! Q: Which dog breed is guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes? A: A Chi-ha-ha! Share MATH FOR OWLS Q: What kind of math do owls like? A: Owlgebra Q: What kind of math do owls like? A: Owlgebra Share OVER-CAFFEINATED KANGAROO Q: Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee? A: She got too jumpy! Q: Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee? A: She got too jumpy! Share SO MUCH FOR PACKING LIGHT Q: Why did the baby elephant need a new suitcase for her vacation? A: She only had a little trunk. Q: Why did the baby elephant need a new suitcase for her vacation? A: She only had a little trunk. Share IF HIPPOS COULD TALK Hippo 1: You look like you’re gaining weight. Hippo 2: That’s very hippo-critical of you. Hippo 1: You look like you’re gaining weight. Hippo 2: That’s very hippo-critical of you. Share ASTRO FISH Q: Where are fish in orbit? A: In trout-er space Q: Where are fish in orbit? A: In trout-er space Share ELEPHANT FOR HIRE Q: Why didn’t the elephant get the job he wanted? A: His qualifications were completely irrelephant. Q: Why didn’t the elephant get the job he wanted? A: His qualifications were completely irrelephant. Share HOPE YOU’RE NOT LACTOSE INTOLERANT 1. Q: If you have 15 cows and 5 goats what would you have? A: Plenty of milk! 1. Q: If you have 15 cows and 5 goats what would you have? A: Plenty of milk! Share THE HARDEST WORKING CHICKEN YOU’LL EVER MEET Q: How long do chickens work? A: Around the cluck! Q: How long do chickens work? A: Around the cluck! Share LAZY BIRDS Q: Why do birds fly south in the Fall? A: Because it’s too far to walk. Q: Why do birds fly south in the Fall? A: Because it’s too far to walk. Share FISHY FITNESS Q. Why are fish so good at watching their weight? A. Because they have lots of scales! Q. Why are fish so good at watching their weight? A. Because they have lots of scales! Share LEOPARD LUNCH Q. What did the leopard say after finishing a delicious meal? A. "That hit the spot!" Q. What did the leopard say after finishing a delicious meal? A. "That hit the spot!" Share A PORK SPORT Q. Why shouldn't you play basketball with a pig? A. Because it'll hog the ball! Q. Why shouldn't you play basketball with a pig? A. Because it'll hog the ball! Share CHARGING BULL Q. What's the first thing you should do if a bull charges you? A. Pay him! Q. What's the first thing you should do if a bull charges you? A. Pay him! Share SHELLFISH LOANS Q. Where do shellfish go to borrow money? A. The prawn broker. Q. Where do shellfish go to borrow money? A. The prawn broker. Share CONFUSED DOLPHIN Q. What does a dolphin say when he’s confused? A. Can you please be more Pacific? Q. What does a dolphin say when he’s confused? A. Can you please be more Pacific? Share GET A BUZZ CUT? Q. Why is a bee's hair always sticky? A. Because it uses a honey comb! Q. Why is a bee's hair always sticky? A. Because it uses a honey comb! Share SNAIL FAIL You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish. You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish. Share THE ABSOLUTE BEST FUNNY MOVIES OF ALL TIME WEIRD FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT LAUGHTER WORK CARTOONS TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH THE WEEK CLEVER WEDDING JOKES PERFECT FOR ANY SPEECH Scroll For More >> OUCH! Q: What is black, white, and red all over? A: A sunburnt penguin! Q: What is black, white, and red all over? A: A sunburnt penguin! Share THE BIG APPLE Q: Why do cows go to New York? A: To see the moosicals! Q: Why do cows go to New York? A: To see the moosicals! Share VACAY, BABY! Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation? A: The baaaahamas Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation? A: The baaaahamas Share BEAUTIFUL MUSIC Q: Where do orcas hear music? A: Orca-stras! Q: Where do orcas hear music? A: Orca-stras! Share DON’T HAVE A BIRD My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. Share ANIMAL ATTRACTION Q. What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? A. You’re purrr-fect for me. Q. What did the girl cat say to the boy cat on Valentine’s Day? A. You’re purrr-fect for me. Share BEARY FUNNY Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview? A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position." Q. What did the sleepy Australian bear say at the job interview? A. "I believe I am koala-fied for this position." Share FORGETFUL DOG A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.” A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks... Read More Share SNIFFING DOG A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm. “Good boy,” says the Marshall. “What happened?” asks the man. “That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.” Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm. “That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains. The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it. “What’s going on?!” demands the man. The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!” A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog... Read More Share THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.” He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.” The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?” Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy,... Read More Share CONVERTING A BEAR A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.” A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.... Read More Share GET OFF THE COUCH A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.” A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my... Read More Share TALKING DOG A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.” A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the... Read More Share SICK RATS An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists. An extensive government study has revealed that the leading cause of cancer in laboratory rats is scientists. Share GOOD GROOMING Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had brushed our dog, Abby. Knowing that I kept the dog’s brush up out of reach so she couldn’t chew on it, I asked, “How did you know where I keep Abby’s brush?” He gave me a puzzled look and said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t. I used your brush.” Pollen and allergies got the best of Liam, my 9-year-old son, so he stayed home from school with his grandma. When I got home from work, he said he had... Read More Share CATCH ME IF YOU CAN Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As we zoomed along, I noticed a three-legged chicken keeping pace with me. I slowed to get a better look at the speedster when it turned and went down a dirt road. I stopped, turned around and followed it. After a short ride, we came upon a house with an older couple sitting on the porch and dozens of three-legged chickens in the yard. I asked them, “Are these your chickens? They’re the fastest I’ve ever seen.” The old man said, “Yep.” So I asked him where they came from, and he replied, “When the kids were younger, they always fought over the chicken legs, so we decided to breed a three-legged chicken.” I nodded and said, “Well, they are fast, but what do they taste like?” He admitted, “Not rightly sure; we never could catch one.” Several years ago we headed to a nearby town to visit some relatives. I had a new car and was having fun driving fast on the twisty country roads. As... Read More Share WHERE EGGS COME FROM When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs. While putting the eggs into the basket she was carrying, she asked, “Papaw, where do these eggs come from?” Papaw then explained in detail the delicate process of making an egg. Brooxie put her hands on her hips and exclaimed, “Papaw, I don’t eat anything that comes out of a chicken!” And for many years, she didn’t. When my daughter, Brooxie, was 5 years old, she’d stay with my husband’s parents while we were at work. One day Brooxie was helping Papaw gather eggs. While putting the... Read More Share COOL COWS During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank. A lady on the tour said, “Oh, look! This rancher put up a fan to cool the animals!” During a summer ranch tour we were hosting for an elder hostel, our van passed a pasture with a windmill and a herd of cattle around a stock tank. A... Read More Share ALL OPPOSED SAY NEIGH “Um.” —First horse that got ridden “Um.” —First horse that got ridden Share DOLPHIN SPY THRILLERS A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy • Free Schmuelly • Goldflipper • The Porpoise-Driven Life • Dolphinfidel A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy... Read More Share YOU CAN’T TEACH AN OLD DOG TO FLY A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!” From gcfl.net A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained... Read More Share NEVERMORE RELEVANT Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SeanWhiteComedy (Sean Gilbert White) Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SeanWhiteComedy (Sean Gilbert White) Share JAY LENO ON PET SCAMS A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. Jay Leno A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is... Read More Share RITA RUDNER ON THE PERKS OF DOG OWNERSHIP We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner Share THE TRUTH ABOUT PUPPIES Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. @shutupmikeginn Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. @shutupmikeginn Share DOG MOM IS ALWAYS RIGHT “We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom Alex Baze (@bazecraze) “We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom Alex Baze (@bazecraze) Share HARRY HILL ON DOG ENTHUSIASM Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. 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