grownandflown.com Open in urlscan Pro
2606:4700:4400::6812:267f Public Scan

Back to summary

URL:
https://grownandflown.com/grieve-when-kids-go-college/?fbclid=IwAR3Bi_5nDXk0oxU1sUmpq6ACbDLa4HOHC8yCf2egRP9ycIVisXam4VaxZF4
Submission: On September 14 via api (September 14th 2022, 8:20:17 pm UTC) from US — Scanned from DE

Form analysis
3 forms found in the DOM

GET https://grownandflown.com/

<form role="search" method="get" class="search-form" action="https://grownandflown.com/">
  <label>
    <span class="screen-reader-text">Search for</span>
    <input type="search" class="search-field" placeholder="Search the site…" value="" name="s" title="Search for">
  </label>
  <button type="submit" class="search-submit"><svg class="svg-icon" width="16" height="16" aria-hidden="true" role="img" focusable="false" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 24 24">
      <path fill-rule="evenodd"
        d="M23.3820159,21.6140159 L16.8530159,15.0850159 C19.8101712,11.1977304 19.2496992,5.68394256 15.5708323,2.47120324 C11.8919653,-0.741536077 6.35292429,-0.554427741 2.89924827,2.89924827 C-0.554427741,6.35292429 -0.741536077,11.8919653 2.47120324,15.5708323 C5.68394256,19.2496992 11.1977304,19.8101712 15.0850159,16.8530159 L21.6140159,23.3820159 C22.1057506,23.8616745 22.8902811,23.8616745 23.3820159,23.3820159 C23.8697748,22.8936054 23.8697748,22.1024263 23.3820159,21.6140159 Z M2.74801587,9.49501587 C2.74801587,5.76709381 5.77009381,2.74501587 9.49801587,2.74501587 C13.2259379,2.74501587 16.2480159,5.76709381 16.2480159,9.49501587 C16.2480159,13.2229379 13.2259379,16.2450159 9.49801587,16.2450159 C5.77192131,16.2406076 2.75242415,13.2211104 2.74801587,9.49501587 Z">
      </path>
    </svg></button>
</form>

GET https://grownandflown.com/

<form role="search" method="get" class="search-form" action="https://grownandflown.com/">
  <label>
    <span class="screen-reader-text">Search for</span>
    <input type="search" class="search-field" placeholder="Search the site…" value="" name="s" title="Search for">
  </label>
  <button type="submit" class="search-submit"><svg class="svg-icon" width="16" height="16" aria-hidden="true" role="img" focusable="false" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 24 24">
      <path fill-rule="evenodd"
        d="M23.3820159,21.6140159 L16.8530159,15.0850159 C19.8101712,11.1977304 19.2496992,5.68394256 15.5708323,2.47120324 C11.8919653,-0.741536077 6.35292429,-0.554427741 2.89924827,2.89924827 C-0.554427741,6.35292429 -0.741536077,11.8919653 2.47120324,15.5708323 C5.68394256,19.2496992 11.1977304,19.8101712 15.0850159,16.8530159 L21.6140159,23.3820159 C22.1057506,23.8616745 22.8902811,23.8616745 23.3820159,23.3820159 C23.8697748,22.8936054 23.8697748,22.1024263 23.3820159,21.6140159 Z M2.74801587,9.49501587 C2.74801587,5.76709381 5.77009381,2.74501587 9.49801587,2.74501587 C13.2259379,2.74501587 16.2480159,5.76709381 16.2480159,9.49501587 C16.2480159,13.2229379 13.2259379,16.2450159 9.49801587,16.2450159 C5.77192131,16.2406076 2.75242415,13.2211104 2.74801587,9.49501587 Z">
      </path>
    </svg></button>
</form>

POST /grieve-when-kids-go-college/

<form id="wpforms-form-78278" class="wpforms-validate wpforms-form" data-formid="78278" method="post" enctype="multipart/form-data" action="/grieve-when-kids-go-college/" data-token="f76073c849cc7434c76c2803e3ef934b" novalidate="novalidate">
  <div class="wpforms-head-container">
    <div class="wpforms-title">Don't miss out!</div>
    <div class="wpforms-description">Want more like this? Get updates straight to your inbox.</div>
  </div><noscript class="wpforms-error-noscript">Please enable JavaScript in your browser to complete this form.</noscript>
  <div class="wpforms-field-container">
    <div id="wpforms-78278-field_1-container" class="wpforms-field wpforms-field-email" data-field-id="1"><label class="wpforms-field-label wpforms-label-hide" for="wpforms-78278-field_1">Email <span
          class="wpforms-required-label">*</span></label><input type="email" id="wpforms-78278-field_1" class="wpforms-field-large wpforms-field-required" name="wpforms[fields][1]" placeholder="Email Address..." required=""></div>
  </div>
  <div class="wpforms-field wpforms-field-hp"><label for="wpforms-78278-field-hp" class="wpforms-field-label">Message</label><input type="text" name="wpforms[hp]" id="wpforms-78278-field-hp" class="wpforms-field-medium"></div>
  <div class="wpforms-submit-container"><input type="hidden" name="wpforms[id]" value="78278"><input type="hidden" name="wpforms[author]" value="8582"><input type="hidden" name="wpforms[post_id]" value="56495"><button type="submit"
      name="wpforms[submit]" id="wpforms-submit-78278" class="wpforms-submit wp-block-button__link" data-alt-text="Sending..." data-submit-text="Sign Up" aria-live="assertive" value="wpforms-submit">Sign Up</button></div>
</form>

Text Content

* Skip to primary navigation
* Skip to main content
* Skip to primary sidebar
* Skip to footer

Grown and Flown

MenuSearch
* News
* Class of ’22
* High School
* High School Graduation
* High School Prom
* High School Academics
* High School Freshman Year
* High School Junior Year
* High School Friends
* Community Service
* High School Sports
* High School Relationships
* High School Teachers
* Learning Differences
* Learning to Drive
* Mental Health
* Physical Health
* Social Media
* Summer Jobs
* Teen Boys
* Teen Girls
* College Admissions
* Paying for College
* College Acceptances
* College Applications
* College Campus Visits
* College Decisions
* College/Off to College
* Dorm Essentials
* Dorm Ideas
* College Academics
* College Freshman Year
* College Junior Year
* College Senior Year
* College Graduation
* College Life
* College Parents
* College Relationships
* College Sports
* Community College
* Drop-Off
* Holidays
* Internships/Career
* Mental Health
* Physical Health
* College Study Abroad
* Drop Out College
* College Housing
* Gift Ideas
* Dorm Shopping
* Graduation Gifts
* College Care Packages
* Birthday
* Stuff We Love
* Holidays
* Read
* Middle School
* Middle School Academics
* Parenting Challenges
* Puberty
* Coronavirus
* Family Life
* Grandparents
* Siblings
* Family Activities
* Summer
* Family Holidays/Special Occasions
* Family Issues
* Family Travel
* Family Pet
* Entertainment
* Video Games
* Parenting
* Empty Nest
* Midlife
* Friendships
* Parent/Child Relationship
* Parenting Advice
* Parenting Challenges
* LGBTQ
* Single Parents
* Working Parents
* Young Adults
* Adulting
* Career Advice
* Relationships
* Military
* Trade Careers
* Books
* College Admissions
* Parenting
* Book
* Where to Buy
* What Readers are Saying
* Subscribe

* About
* In the News
* Our Team
* Our Experts
* Our Writers
* Contact
* Partner with Us
* Write for Us
* Search for

Search for

College Parents

TAKE TIME TO GRIEVE AFTER YOU DROP YOUR KIDS AT COLLEGE

by Lisa Athan | August 11, 2021

FacebookPinTweetEmailPrint

I remember four years ago August very clearly. The focus was on my oldest
daughter Carly going off to college. She was only going an hour away to Monmouth
University, but I still felt sad that she wouldn’t be living at home anymore.
Don’t get me wrong; I also felt happy, proud and excited as well, but grief was
the emotion that I was feeling the strongest.

I truly needed someone to listen to me but had trouble finding people who would
just listen. Instead, when I did share about my feelings of grief, most people
were not at all supportive and even looked at me strangely and said with a
judgmental tone, “Aren’t you happy for her?”, “Isn’t her going to college a good
thing?”, “I couldn’t wait til mine left.” I walked away from most of these
interactions feeling unheard, frustrated, and feeling that that there was
something wrong with me. I guess I wasn’t supposed to be sad or at the very
least I wasn’t supposed to talk about it.

After all there are commercials on TV showing parents pretending to be sad when
the kids leave home and then jumping for joy and throwing parties. So what was
wrong with me? Why couldn’t I only feel happy and thrilled at this wonderful
opportunity for Carly? I realized during that summer and fall the importance of
listening to others when they share their sadness over changes in their lives.

MY LATEST VIDEOS

More Videos

0 seconds of 2 minutes, 13 secondsVolume 0%

Press shift question mark to access a list of keyboard shortcuts
Keyboard ShortcutsEnabledDisabled
Play/PauseSPACE
Increase Volume↑
Decrease Volume↓
Seek Forward→
Seek Backward←
Captions On/Offc
Fullscreen/Exit Fullscreenf
Mute/Unmutem
Seek %0-9
Next Up
do's and don'ts draft 1.mov
01:15

Live
00:00
01:27
02:13

Grief is not only due to a death or divorce, but grief can come from any type of
separation, ending or change in our lives. I found myself comparing my loss to
other’s losses. As a grief counselor, I warn folks not to do this.

I shamed myself when I thought of all of those I know who have lost a child
through death and knew that this loss could not even come close. Minimizing my
loss though didn’t help. My grief felt like an ending. It was the beginning of
the end of my experience of being the kind of mom as I had been for the past 17
years. It was the beginning of my children becoming independent and not needing
me in the same way as they had before. I know that is what is supposed to happen
and all about giving our children roots and wings, but knowing that didn’t make
if feel any better.

I loved having all of my kids home and around. I don’t think that will ever
change. I am one who wishes there could be a law that if family gets along then
our siblings have to return to live in the same town so that cousins can live
near each other. I know quite a few families in Springfield whose children are
all in this town and the cousins even go to school together and grandparents are
able to be very involved in their day-to-day lives. It is wonderful to see.

So I stopped telling others how I felt. I also vowed to become a better
comforter of others when they shared with me any sadness or pain in their lives.
I also wanted to teach others how to really listen to their friends, loved ones
and co-workers when they shared anything emotional. I would remind them not to
try to fix it or to be so quick to offer advice. Just listen and try to
understand.

It isn’t hard to really listen, but it is a skill that we would all benefit from
practicing. I wish that listening was taught in school. Our relationships would
improve immensely.

Then I started to wonder about other parents. Weren’t they sad as well? How can
we live with our children for 17, 18 or 19 years and then drop them off at
college without us experiencing any feelings of grief?

I came up with many ideas. Maybe some didn’t really like being with their kids.
Maybe some were denying their true feelings of sadness or just pretended they
were “fine”. Maybe some were truly anxious to get back to their own lives that
didn’t involve their children as much. Whatever it was, I wanted to find the
other parents who felt like me. I was on a mission. I even ran a workshop in
town four years ago called: They’re Excited About Going Away to College, But
What About Us? About ten moms attended the workshop and it was great to share
with each other.

Over the past four years I have spoken with many moms and dads who have shared
their own grief with me about their children leaving home. Often with couples,
it is one parent who expresses sadness more than the other. Some confide to me
that it is their own spouse who “shamed them” about their feelings of grief,
especially if the dad was grieving.

I recently had the pleasure of meeting a Navy Seal dad at a Long Island AAU
basketball tournament, who shared with me that of all the experiences he has had
in his life, including that of a Seal, nothing was as hard as dropping his
oldest daughter off to college last year and saying goodbye. He told me how he
cried the whole drive back. He has five children and is already grieving about
his second child who is a high school senior who will be going away next year. I
felt such a sense of validation from this kind father’s honest sharing. It
helped me to feel better about my own feelings. Sometimes just talking to others
who feel similarly to the way we feel can help enormously. We don’t feel so
alone and we feel a bit more “normal”.

Anyway, if you are a parent who has a child going away to college and you feel
sad, find people who will listen to you and show comfort. Allow yourself to feel
the grief. Don’t talk yourself out of how you feel. Find support on Facebook as
many parents I see lately doing. “Pack lots of tissues” one mom said in a post
to another who shared that they were on their way to college.

It really does get easier, although I will confess that each year she packed up
and left I cried. One time Carly said, “Mom, I am a senior at college. We have
been through this many times. Why do you still cry when I leave?” “I don’t
know”, I sniffled, “I just miss you.”

I guess it’s love or neurosis, but that is who I am. I know I will cry when my
younger ones leave the nest as well, but at least they all know how I get, so it
won’t be a surprise to them. Who knows maybe it makes them realize just how much
they are loved. I hope so.

“Listening is a high art of loving. Ask yourself,” When is the last time I
really listened to my child? My parent? My brother or sister? When someone is
ready to share, three magic words amplify your connection, and they are, “Tell
me more.” ~ Rev. Mary Manin Morrissey

Take care of yourself,

Lisa

The author and family. (Lisa Athan)

grownandflown.com Open in urlscan Pro 2606:4700:4400::6812:267f Public Scan

Form analysis 3 forms found in the DOM

GET https://grownandflown.com/

GET https://grownandflown.com/

POST /grieve-when-kids-go-college/

Text Content

grownandflown.com Open in urlscan Pro
2606:4700:4400::6812:267f Public Scan

Form analysis
3 forms found in the DOM