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WHY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE RELATIONSHIPS LEAD TO LONELINESS

By
Cathy Meyer
Cathy Meyer
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Cathy Meyer is a certified divorce coach, marriage educator, freelance writer,
and founding editor of DivorcedMoms.com. As a divorce mediator, she provides
clients with strategies and resources that enable them to power through a time
of adversity.
Brides's Editorial Guidelines
Updated on 10/29/22
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Thomas Barwick / Getty Images

In This Article

Signs of Passive Aggression Why Passive Aggression Happens
How Loneliness Is Created During Conflict How to Handle a Passive-Aggressive
Partner

It's important to remember that marriage isn’t all fun and games. Even the
healthiest relationships will experience conflict and at no time do we want to
feel more connected and cared for than during conflict with our partner. And
that is something that those married to, or in a relationship with, a
passive-aggressive partner don’t experience. People who display
passive-aggressive behavior have a hard time expressing their feelings verbally.
This results in the suppression of any negative emotions they may experience.
Instead of expressing negative emotions verbally, they project those feelings in
their behaviors toward a romantic partner. If you're in a relationship with a
passive-aggressive partner and you've ever felt lonely in the
relationship—you're not alone.




WHAT IS PASSIVE AGGRESSION?

Passive aggression is behavior that is indirectly aggressive rather than
directly aggressive. Passive-aggressive people regularly exhibit resistance to
requests or demands from family and other individuals often by procrastinating,
expressing sullenness, or acting stubborn.

We spoke with marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer for expert insight on
how to detect passive-aggressive behavior in a partner and better understand the
motivations behind this behavior, as well as why you may often experience
feelings of loneliness as a result.



Meet the Expert

Darlene Lancer, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 30
years of experience working with patients on relationship and codependency
issues. She is the author of eight books including Dealing With a Narcissist.


SIGNS YOUR PARTNER MAY BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE

Passive-aggressive behavior won’t manifest in a punch to the face, but covert
anger can cause you to feel as if you’ve been kicked in the gut. People who
exhibit this behavior show their anger by withholding something they know you
want, through procrastination, stubbornness, and
obstructionism. "Passive-aggressive people act passive but are covertly
aggressive," says Lancer.



You may not have witnessed this behavior before marriage or a long-term
relationship because people with passive aggression tend to agree with and
comply with everything they feel you want. When they reach a point where they no
longer want to go along with the status quo that has been set over the years,
they will become defiant in their own nonconfrontational way. That is when the
disconnection and loss of emotional intimacy are most felt by those married to a
passive-aggressive spouse.




WHY SOME PARTNERS ARE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE 

Marriage is a contract, one you enter into expecting to get your needs met
during the good times and bad. Passive-aggressive people are pretty good at
showing up and meeting needs during good times but not so much during the bad
times.



Their trepidation toward conflict coupled with their fear of forming emotional
connections keeps them from being a fully engaged partner. "Passive-aggressive
partners are generally codependent, and like codependents, suffer from shame and
low self-esteem," Lancer says. Attempts to engage with a partner who suffers
from this may result in a sense of emotional abandonment.



They can form an intimate connection up to a certain point. They can be
self-sacrificing within limits. They can make an emotional investment to a
degree. If a spouse always stops short of giving what you need, especially
during times of conflict, a marriage can be very lonely. "Because you can’t have
an honest, direct conversation with a passive-aggressive partner, nothing ever
gets resolved," says Lancer.



There is a twisted logic at play behind someone's need to remain calm and
logical during times of conflict. They fear rejection, and by engaging and
sharing their emotions during conflict, they feel this will trigger a rejection
by someone they love. The thought of anyone being upset with them is unsettling,
and when that person is their romantic partner, they see it as emotional
destruction.



The more they refuse to engage, the more effort their partner puts into their
interactions together. In their mind, the more you try, the more you admire and
love them, and so they will not see this situation as negative. Unfortunately,
this leads to an emotional disconnect that cannot be bridged until their
passive-aggressive behavior is addressed and amended.




HOW PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PARTNERS CREATE LONELINESS DURING CONFLICT

During an argument, a passive-aggressive person will claim that their partner is
overreacting or too aggressive. In the heat of the moment, it is completely
normal, healthy even, to be expressive and show emotions. These are traits that
they themselves cannot understand, much less demonstrate. They may not see the
exercise as a way to solve a problem—only to deepen one; some may even take it
as a personal attack. Their refusal to engage in conflict leaves their spouse
feeling lonely and responsible for all the marital, relationship, or intimacy
problems. "They don’t express their anger openly," Lancer says.



The more expressive and emotional their partner becomes, the calmer and more
logical the passive-aggressive person appears to become. This is a mechanism to
once again avoid conflict—the "logic" they employ is relative to the situation
and does not reflect any mature emotional intelligence. As a result, conflicts
don't get resolved, and their spouse is left reeling in negative emotions.



The more detached a passive-aggressive person appears to be during conflict, the
more anxiety will manifest in their partner over the perceived emotional
investment into their relationship. Spouses and partners should be the most
important people in each other's lives, able to navigate marital conflict and
connect emotionally. A passive-aggressive partner is capable of making a
connection but only up to a certain point. When they begin to feel unsafe with
their own skewed emotions, they disconnect and leave their partner with doubt in
themselves and the relationship.



The passive-aggressive person retreats completely and their partner is left to
pick up the pieces. Nothing ever gets resolved, and such behavior sends a clear
message that they are unwilling to meet halfway in the marriage or relationship.
This feeling for the partner is comparable to rejection, but the
passive-aggressive partner doesn’t see it that way. They still love their
partner but will forget what that means when they begin to feel threatened, thus
starting the chain reaction of conflict-avoidance, emotional distance, and
long-term relationship woes.


7 Relationship Red Flags to Look Out For



HOW TO HANDLE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PARTNER

Addressing these issues with a passive-aggressive partner can be difficult given
their aversion to conflict and predisposition to detachment, but it's not
impossible. Lancer suggests approaching the matter with an assertive nature,
neither becoming reactive to their response (or lack thereof) and parenting them
through nagging nor being overly aggressive and shaming them. If you have
difficulty successfully getting through to your partner, consider seeking
professional help and involving a relationship therapist or counselor.
Regardless of the solution that best fits your relationship and concerns, Lancer
emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries with obvious consequences as
failure to do so only encourages passive-aggressive behavior.


7 Signs of a Bad Marriage, According to a Marriage Therapist




RELATED STORIES

 * How to Recognize Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Your Spouse

 * 20 of the Most Common Mistakes Married Couples Make When Arguing

 * Stonewalling: What It Is and How to Cope

 * 28 Marriage Deal Breakers to Avoid

 * 10 Things a Relationship Therapist Does to Keep the Spark Alive in Her
   Marriage

 * 11 Common Relationship Therapy Terms to Know

 * 5 Ways to Practice Empathy in Your Relationship

 * What Is Codependency in a Relationship?



 * How to Be Happy for Couples When You Hate Being Single, According to Experts

 * Signs and Causes of Emotional Neglect in a Marriage and How to Cope

 * 7 Core Values Every Couple Must Agree on Before Marriage

 * How to Handle Verbal Abuse in Your Relationship

 * How Emotional Cheating and Physical Affairs Differ

 * What Are the 4 Attachment Styles?

 * 8 Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

 * 18 Top Deal Breakers In a Relationship to Consider





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