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Accessibility statementSkip to main content Democracy Dies in Darkness SubscribeSign in Democracy Dies in Darkness Olympics 2024Olympics guide Future of the Olympics Records in real life L.A. Olympics 1984 Olympics 2024Olympics guide Future of the Olympics Records in real life L.A. Olympics 1984 THE POST’S LEAST-FASHIONABLE EMPLOYEE REVIEWS PARIS OLYMPICS UNIFORMS A sportswriter offers his opinion on the Opening Ceremonies ensembles for an Olympics held in the fashion capital of the world. 3 min 211 Sorry, a summary is not available for this article at this time. Please try again later. Team USA will don preppy outfits in Paris. (Charles Sykes/Invision/AP) By Matt Bonesteel July 25, 2024 at 7:26 a.m. EDT You can’t have an Olympics without an Opening Ceremonies, and you can’t have the Opening Ceremonies without a parade of athletes wearing outfits that exemplify a nation’s “competitive spirit” or “zest for victory” or “Olympic élan” or whatever other hokum the designer’s PR intern came up with. Subscribe for unlimited access to The Post You can cancel anytime. Subscribe Skip to end of carousel GET THE LATEST UPDATES ON THE 2024 OLYMPICS The medals! The spectacle! Le triomphe! Sign up for The Sports Moment: Olympics Edition now to get updates from Paris for everything you need to know about the 2024 Summer Games. End of carousel And that’s where I — The Washington Post’s Least-Fashionable Employee — step in. Somehow, I have been anointed Official Olympic Outfit Critic even though my closet consists of exactly one suit that fits (barely!) and approximately 35 short-sleeve button-down shirts with a combined purchase price of $68. This apparently qualifies me to review Opening Ceremonies outfits, and I have done so — poorly — for the past two Winter Games. So once again, against all odds and standards of taste, I will be your guide through the cavalcade of whimsy that is the Opening Ceremonies. Let’s take a look at what’s on tap for Paris at this year’s Summer Games. UNITED STATES Ralph Lauren returns as Team USA’s outfitter for the ninth Olympics, and this year for the Opening Ceremonies the Americans will come dressed as the bullies from every single movie set at a prep school. If they don’t lead the medal table, they’ll certainly lead in being mean to the sensitive scholarship kid from the wrong side of the tracks. Advertisement Story continues below advertisement They also can tell you about the limbo party on the Lido Deck: For the Closing Ceremonies, Team USA will cosplay as a pit crew at the 1984 Firecracker 400. ESTONIA That’s … a worrying amount of denim, Estonia. I feel like we’ve seen these getups before. BRITAIN For the Opening Ceremonies, Ben Sherman will outfit Britain’s athletes in something Dad wore in high school: For the Closing Ceremonies, Britain will wear clothing that Dad is wearing literally right now: HAITI True story: When I was starting out in the Sports department in the late 1990s (mon dieu!), then-columnist Tony Kornheiser came out of his office one day and asked me, as only Tony can, “Don’t you ever wear ties?” He then handed me a tie featuring a design inspired by the artwork of Grateful Dead fashion icon Jerry Garcia, which I’m sure he received as some sort of PR pitch. I’m almost certain I still have it, and I’m equally sure I’ve never worn it. Advertisement Story continues below advertisement Anyway, Haiti’s Opening Ceremonies outfits incorporate the work of artist Philippe Dodard and are vastly more stylish than a Jerry Garcia tie. FRANCE Pat McAfee has apparently begun a European offensive in his War on Sleeves. POLAND Croquet is not an Olympic sport (yet!), but when it is, Poland is ready. CZECH REPUBLIC AND ISRAEL I’m grouping these nations together because they somehow both decided to incorporate Rorschach test-style blue inkblots into their outfits. This would seem to be the Olympic equivalent of running into someone wearing the same dress at the Met Gala. (I guess? I’m still not entirely sure what the Met Gala is supposed to be. Perhaps a salute to Wally Backman and Tim Teufel?) MONGOLIA While everyone else floats down the Seine in a mundane blur of tracksuits, athleisure and Estonian denim, athletes from the landlocked East Asian nation will arrive on the scene laying down some serious Mongolian thunder. Please take as many gold medals as you would like. AUSTRALIA When the restaurant says “jacket required” but also “you can totally order mozzarella sticks if you want,” I give you Australia’s blazer-and-shorts combo, a look that is taken seriously at the Opening Ceremonies and in exactly zero other places. PARIS OLYMPICS 2024 SO FAR U.S. athletes are heading to the Paris Olympics to compete on one of the biggest international stage in sports. After heartbreak and injuries in trials, U.S. teams are set for men’s and women’s basketball, women’s and men’s soccer, men’s and women’s gymnastics, swimming and more. New this year: Breaking or break dancing is coming to the Olympic stage, while Paris also has a bold plan to host swimming events in the Seine. Athletes to watch: Previous gold medal Olympians are back, including gymnast Simone Biles, swimmer Katie Ledecky, sprinters Noah Lyles and Sha’Carri Richardson. Don’t forget to include 16-year-old athletes Hezly Rivera and Quincy Wilson. Who you’ll miss: Soccer star Alex Morgan was left out of USWNT’s roster, and WNBA’s Caitlin Clark also won’t be competing, despite their popularity. Share 211 Comments NewsletterAs news breaks Sports Alerts Breaking news email alerts on major sports news. Sign up Subscribe to comment and get the full experience. 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