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Minneapolis Public Schools names Rochelle Cox as interim superintendent
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Minneapolis Public Schools names Rochelle Cox as interim superintendent
candidate
Twins manager Baldelli, players Arraez, Bundy positive for COVID-19
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Review: At Creekside Supper Club, charm greets you like an old friend
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7 1⁄2-year term for driver who killed two, including son of Gophers hockey coach
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Pursuit for shooting suspect ends with fiery crash on Hwy. 100 in Golden Valley
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Variety 600167030


SWEETHEART SCAMS TARGETING SENIORS WRECK FINANCES — AND DEVASTATE FAMILIES

Is Mom or Dad's new squeeze a fraud? Or are "helicopter children" butting in
where they don't belong?  
By Rachel Hutton Star Tribune
April 22, 2022 — 7:55am

Provided
Colleen Grey, left, with her husband, Dale Grey, at their Bloomington home in
1993.
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Into her eighth decade, Colleen Grey remained a glamorous figure, reminiscent of
Zsa Zsa Gabor. "If there was an outfit, there were shoes that matched and
earrings that matched," said her eldest granddaughter, Brenda Shafer-Pellinen of
Carlton, Minn. "Nobody ever saw her without her makeup on."

A voracious reader and arts enthusiast, Grey cared for her husband, who had
Alzheimer's, in their Bloomington home. To blow off steam, Grey would visit the
local casino, where she was befriended by a gambler two decades her junior,
named Michael Mann.

When Grey's husband's died in 2002, she was emotionally distraught. The next
time she bumped into Mann, he initiated what her family suspected was a
parasitic relationship in the guise of a romance.

It took a decade for the evidence to pile up. After moving in, Mann isolated
Grey from her family and stole more than $100,000 of her money. He pawned her
wedding ring and sold the tires off her Buick, Shafer-Pellinen said. When the
family finally got into Grey's home, which she eventually lost due to years of
unpaid taxes, it was missing appliances, infested with vermin and mold. "It
looked like somebody had picked the place over for parts," Shafer-Pellinen said.

The family learned that Grey had leukemia, among other medical conditions that
had gone untreated during her time with Mann. That lack of health care hastened
Grey's death, about a year after she reunited with her family.

Prior to meeting Mann, Grey wasn't someone you'd consider vulnerable; she lived
independently and maintained strong ties with many relatives nearby. "If this
can happen to a family like that, this can happen to anyone," Shafer-Pellinen
said.

ADVERTISEMENT

The Minnesota Department of Human Services receives more than 50,000 reports of
suspected abuse, neglect or financial exploitation of vulnerable adults each
year. Among incidents of theft, so-called "sweetheart scams" are especially
damaging. Mann's sowing mistrust into Grey's established relationships destroyed
her family, Shafer-Pellinen said. "There was so much other wreckage beside those
bank accounts."

Professionals who investigate sweetheart scams say the pool of older adult
victims is only getting larger, due to increasing lifespans and cases of
dementia, and baby boomers' high divorce rate. "You don't need a gun anymore to
steal money," explained Minneapolis elder law attorney Robert McLeod. "All you
need is a power of attorney and a twinkle in your eye."

On the flip side, local attorneys say they also encounter plenty of "helicopter
children," concerned that a cognitively capable parent is spending their
presumed inheritance on a new significant other. McLeod described the
perspective of such parents he's represented: "They say, 'My kid can go to hell,
I know what I'm doing. I'm 80 years old. How many years have I got left?' "

Scammers' playbook

The pandemic has only exacerbated the disconnection that makes older adults more
vulnerable to sweetheart scams. "The isolation and loneliness can be an access
point for somebody who is a perpetrator," said Amanda Vickstrom, executive
director of the nonprofit Minnesota Elder Justice Center.

ADVERTISEMENT

Strangers connect with their victims in public places, via phone or computer.
Those initiating romantic relationships use dating sites, but also games such as
Words With Friends, or, in the case of at least one especially egregious
perpetrator, an online Alzheimer's support group.

Many of the "sweetheart" cases investigated by Eileen Waterman, a senior social
worker with Anoka County, involve older Minnesotans sending money or gift cards
to suitors they've never met. One man lost $20,000 to three different virtual
women. Another woman paid a "boyfriend" she'd never met $150,000, and then faced
eviction for nonpayment of rent.

But cases where the crook cohabitates with the victim tend to be more complex
and can put the victim's health and well-being at greater risk. McLeod fields
calls of this type on an almost weekly basis, he said, describing the common
pattern:

An adult child is concerned about a parent whose capacity is fading, yet would
not be considered incapacitated (not eligible for a guardianship or
conservatorship). The new boyfriend or girlfriend is at least 10 to 20 years
younger, possesses substantially less money, and knows how to flatter. "They
don't come off as fire breathing out of their nostrils," McLeod said. "They
don't get close to these people by being evil, mean or abusive, but by being
charming, wonderful people."

Once the couple move in together, adult children have trouble getting ahold of
their parent — the new partner screens their calls and manages their schedule.
Marriage often comes quickly, along with the new partner being added to bank
accounts and obtaining power of attorney, giving them the ability to make
financial decisions.

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If an adult child tries to intervene, the new partner protests that the child is
interfering with the couple's happiness. The child may be written out of the
will, further complicating the dynamic. "People are ashamed to call because they
know how it looks: 'Oh, all you care about is the money' " McLeod said.

Or greedy kids?

In some cases, all the adult children do care about is the money said Jill
Sauber, a Minneapolis attorney specializing in elder law. Sauber has encountered
plenty of adult children who prioritize protecting their parents' assets, which
they hope to inherit, over their parents' well-being.

In such cases, Sauber reminds the adult children that, if their parent has
capacity, they are free to associate with whomever they want, and share what
they have with a companion. "They can do with their assets whatever they
choose," Sauber said. "It's their decision. People can make bad financial
decisions if they have capacity," she added.

Model Anna Nicole Smith's marriage to an 89-year-old oil tycoon is an extreme
example that McLeod cites as a perhaps mutually exploitative coupling that makes
the point: In some cases, the relationship is "none of our damn business."

ADVERTISEMENT

While bankers, lawyers, extended family and friends will report suspected
financial exploitation to law enforcement or Adult Protective Services, it's
often an adult child who first sounds the alarm. That's why Rachell Henning, an
elder law attorney in Maple Grove, says she frequently plays the role of family
counselor.

When a widowed parent enters a new relationship, adult children have concerns
about everything from loyalty to family heirlooms, Henning said. But just
because the kids don't like the new partner, that doesn't necessarily mean the
parent isn't aware of what they're doing. "Sometimes those emotions can control
us, so we think we've got to protect them and save the day," she said. "But
sometimes it's just what they want. And if they have capacity, we have to
respect those wishes," she said.

Determining capacity

When the older adult doesn't consider themselves a victim, the line between
their being maltreated, or simply executing their right to make choices that
others don't like, comes down to capacity.

Adult Protective Services focuses on victims considered vulnerable adults,
meaning they have difficulty caring for themselves, or protecting themselves
from maltreatment, without assistance. Adults residing in a hospital, nursing
home, or similar facility, or receiving home care or day services, for example,
would be considered vulnerable.

ADVERTISEMENT

Professionals who investigate "sweetheart scams" recommend that adult children
with concerns about a parent start by spending time with them, one-on-one, to
assess their mental capabilities.

When adult children in blended families haven't been very involved with their
parent, they may not realize how much their capability has declined, explained
Sarah Sicheneder, a Richfield-based elder law attorney. They might interpret the
new partner's not letting Mom or Dad drive, or holding onto the checkbook, as
controlling, when it's actually an attempt to keep them from getting lost or
scammed. "The kids think they're protecting Dad from this evil stepmother, who
is caregiving day in and day out, trying to keep him safe," Henning said.

Sicheneder suggests adult children start a conversation — not a confrontation —
including the new partner, noting any concerns they've observed and offering to
help. (Concerns should focus on the parent's health and well-being; children's
attempts to break up a parent's relationship when no maltreatment has occurred
are "heartbreaking and hard to justify," Sicheneder said.) "Adult children
really have to take a step back and assess the situation as analytically as
possible before moving ahead on emotion," she said.

Vickstrom, of the Elder Justice Center, sums up the balancing act that victim
advocates face. "We 100% want to stop financial exploitation and support victims
because it's horrendous what they have experienced," she said. "At the same
time, older adults who do not identify as being victims and have the ability to
make their own decisions get to make decisions that other people think are bad."



ADVERTISEMENT

Those who suspect an older adult is being financially exploited, or otherwise
abused, can call the Elder Justice Center's free, confidential helpline
(651-440-9312) to ask questions anonymously. Reporting concerns to the police
and the Minnesota Adult Abuse Reporting Center (1-844-880-1574) would be the
next step.

Shame is a huge barrier to people asking for help, especially as someone ages.
"Because what older adults tell us they fear most is losing their ability to
make those decisions and losing capacity," Vickstrom said.

In Colleen Grey's case, when family initially alerted police to Mann's gambling
away her money, there was little they could do because Grey was not considered
vulnerable. It was only after a financial adviser and lawyer whom Grey and Mann
met with both reported concerns, and Grey showed signs of decline, that legal
action was taken. In 2016, Mann was convicted of felony theft, and sentenced to
180 days in the workhouse.

Shafer-Pellinen said the family shares Grey's story to bring attention to this
devastating crime and encourage others to seek help. "She didn't do anything
wrong," she said. "This was done to her."



ADVERTISEMENT


PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM 'SWEETHEART SCAMS'

 * Be aware of how scammers work. A person expressing romantic interest who
   pressures or guilts a senior into decisions, is overly concerned with
   financial affairs or is seeking money, housing or access to prescription
   medications is cause for concern.
 * Older adults should have up-to-date health care directives, powers of
   attorney and wills — and share their decisions with their children. It's far
   better to engage in hard conversations before experiencing cognitive decline.
 * Most older adults in Minnesota live in their own homes, so it's easy to be
   isolated or rely on one person for caregiving and emotional relationship.
   More people checking in with services and social connection offers better
   protection.
 * Keep the lines of communication with loved ones open. If anyone with whom
   you've had a long-established relationship expresses concern about a new
   partner, it's worth listening.



Correction: Amanda Vickstrom’s name was misspelled in some references in
previous versions of this story.

Rachel Hutton is a general assignment reporter in features for the Star
Tribune. 



rachel.hutton@startribune.com 612-673-4569 rachel_hutton
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