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Accessibility statementSkip to main content Democracy Dies in Darkness SubscribeSign in Advertisement Democracy Dies in Darkness AdviceAsk Amy Ask Elaine Ask Sahaj Carolyn Hax Miss Manners Parenting Advice Work Advice AdviceAsk Amy Ask Elaine Ask Sahaj Carolyn Hax Miss Manners Parenting Advice Work Advice DAD INSISTS ON LECTURES THAT DRIVE TEENS AWAY. HAX READERS GIVE ADVICE. Husband is so adamant about his duty to lecture their teens into adulthood that the kids are now “avoiding him completely.” Advice by Carolyn Hax and Haben Kelati June 12, 2024 at 3:00 p.m. EDT Carolyn Hax (The Washington Post) Listen 5 min Share Comment on this storyComment434 Add to your saved stories Save We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below. Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have two teens. They’re great kids with good heads on their shoulders (so far!). My husband has taken to giving them long-winded unsolicited advice, and the kids have gone from politely listening to glazing over to now directly telling him they aren’t looking for advice to getting mad when he persists to avoiding him completely. Subscribe for unlimited access to The Post You can cancel anytime. Subscribe He gets mad and says he’s obligated as a parent to provide “guidance,” and if the kids need to get mad at him in order to be “motivated,” then he’s fine with that. I only give advice to the kids when asked or when they are thinking of doing something that has serious negative consequences — hence they tend to talk to me about their lives. Advertisement Story continues below advertisement I’ve told my husband he’s pushing the kids away, but he justifies it as good parenting. I’m so tired of this cycle. What can I do? — Tired Parent Tired Parent: There isn’t a lot you can do. But step one is to sit your husband down at a happy time and tell him you have something important to discuss. Ask him to stretch himself to listen with an open mind. Then spell out the cycle as simply as you did in your letter. Ask him to reflect on what you’ve said, if there is any part he can relate to. If he is open to the idea of accepting your influence, you could come up with a lighthearted code word (Polonius!) to let him know he’s doing it. That’s it. You’re done. One of the axioms of life is that we can’t control other people. He may continue to offer copious guidance and the kids may avoid him. It’s frustrating, but families survive worse. And to moderate your frustration, you can always remind yourself that your teens are all likely tolerating annoying and predictable behaviors from you, too! Advertisement Story continues below advertisement — Hilary Tired Parent: You can accept that you can’t change him and focus on your own relationship with your kids. Stop worrying about his relationship with them. Make up your mind to let the consequences fall where they may. Although you may be affected by those consequences, they are between him and the kids. Once you accept that, you can step back, take a breather and stop worrying. Share this articleShare That’s what your kids need from you — someone who’s focused on them, not on what your husband should or shouldn’t do. You probably aren’t doing your kids any favors by letting your husband’s behavior upset you. — Focus Skip to end of carousel ABOUT CAROLYN HAX (For The Washington Post) I’ve written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can send me your questions here (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don’t want to miss a column, you can sign up for my daily newsletter. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can submit a question in advance or join me live. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram. End of carousel Tired Parent: When my kids were teens, my husband began a group text thread with them he called Life Lessons. They were general guidance texts. They included things like the lesson of compound interest, or why never to lie, or how to speak up for yourself, together with a quick related story from his life. He sent one every few weeks. Occasionally he got a response from them, usually just a “thumbs up,” but he never asked for or expected one. Advertisement Story continues below advertisement Years later, the kids told us how much they loved that thread, that they read every single text (maybe not right away), often shared the advice with friends, and still reread it now that they are adults. I believe they especially loved the personal stories he’d attach to them. He still does it, although much less frequently. — Write it Down? Tired Parent: Parents tend to be overbearing when they’re scared of something. I know I am! It’s tempting to go into long explanations about something, but I’ve realized that’s more about making myself feel better that I’ve explained something to them versus knowing what the actual best way is to share information with them. Story continues below advertisement So one thing to ask your husband: What is he scared of? Or worried about? As a parent, most of the job is worrying. We have to figure out if what we’re doing to address these fears is for us, or for our kids. And addressing your husband’s fears can help him be less overbearing — and you’ll learn something helpful, too! Advertisement — Parent/Therapist in CO Tired Parent: You can try to keep a good relationship between father and kids by encouraging family events that don’t involve lectures. All of you could go to a professional sporting event, a rock concert or the movies — anywhere talking is virtually impossible. Get your kids involved in planning and ask them what they would like to do with their dad. Then, when they are past the lecture stage, your kids will also have some happy memories with their dad. — Momjill Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity. MORE FROM CAROLYN HAX From the archive: A pregnancy and a change of heart bring the wrong words Should a single try to burst her friends’ couple bubble? She doesn’t want to be the ‘mean old lady’ next door What to buy for the family that gives your gifts away? Boyfriend hides their relationship from his parents More: Sign up for Carolyn’s email newsletter to get her column delivered to your inbox each morning. Carolyn has a Q&A with readers on Fridays. Read the most recent live chat here. The next chat is June 21 at 12 p.m. Resources for getting help. Frequently asked questions about the column. Chat glossary Show more Share 434 Comments NewsletterThursdays for 12 weeks Voraciously: Meal Plan of Action Dinner needs a game plan. Menus and meal prep guides for the week ahead — every Thursday for 12 weeks. Sign up Subscribe to comment and get the full experience. Choose your plan → Advertisement Advertisement TOP STORIES Feel-good stories News that brims with optimism Man dies at 85, comes out in his obituary: ‘I’ll forever Rest in Peace’ Squirrels were struggling in a heat wave. She made them a ‘squirrel spa.’ Animal that was model for Donkey in ‘Shrek’ is ailing. 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