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* The Onion * * The A.V. Club * Deadspin * Gizmodo * Jalopnik * Jezebel * Kotaku * Quartz * The Root * The Takeout * * The Inventory America's Finest News Source. ShopSubscribe HomeLatestNewsOpinionLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsOnion UniversityVideo America's Finest News Source. HomeLatestNewsOpinionLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsOnion UniversityVideo Breaking News FLORIDA STUDENTS REVEAL WHAT THEY LEARNED IN SEX ED With the State of Florida imposing broad new limits on how issues of gender and sexuality may be taught in school, The Onion asked Florida students what they learned in their sex ed classes, and this is what they said. Opinion MEN’S RIGHTS ACTIVISTS DEFEND RUSSELL BRAND Local 8-YEAR-OLD MAKES ADORABLE PRESENTATION TO PARENTS ABOUT WHY HE NEEDS GUN TO KILL CLASSMATES BOCA RATON, FL—Claiming that owning the weapon would teach him about responsibility, local 8-year-old Dylan Ellis made an adorable presentation to his parents Tuesday about why he needed a gun to kill his classmates. “Mom, Dad, as you can see, I do… Local ARCHRIVAL NOT SUCCESSFUL EITHER CHICAGO—Locked in what couldn’t exactly be called a power struggle, local man Joe Horochowski confirmed Tuesday that his archrival Kyle Wall was not successful either. “I always dreaded things working out for him more than me, but, honestly, it’s… Local IMPATIENT GUITAR STUDENT ASKS HOW LONG UNTIL HE GETS TO SLEEP WITH TEENAGERS GREEN BAY, WI—Eager to move past the fundamentals and dive into more complex territory, impatient guitar student Justin Howard reportedly asked his instructor Tuesday how long it would be until he got to sleep with teenagers. “Yeah, I think I’ve… Opinion POLITICIANS EXPLAIN WHY THEY SUPPORT CHILD POVERTY Local MAN ULTIMATELY GRATEFUL HE CHOSE TO GO TO FRIEND’S WEDDING INSTEAD OF CAPITOL RIOT Football BIJAN ROBINSON HAILED AS GENERATIONAL TALENT WHO WILL BE OUT OF LEAGUE IN 3 YEARS WATCH Ron DeSantis Announces He Will Live As Slave For One Year To Prove It Not Bad CC Share Subtitles * Off * English Share this Video FacebookTwitterEmail RedditLink Ron DeSantis Announces He Will Live As Slave For One Year To Prove It Not Bad Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles 00:35 Now playing Department Of Transportation Announces $1 Billion Investment In Horses 00:42 Now playing Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End 00:26 Now playing Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake 00:30 Now playing CHECK THESE OUT American Voices MGM RANSOMWARE ATTACK SHUTS DOWN RESORTS SYSTEMS IN VEGAS News In Photos TODDLER TELLING STORY WHILE ELBOW-DEEP IN SHORTS News In Photos MAKEUP SEX ENDS IN FIGHT Infographic PROS AND CONS OF IMPEACHING JOE BIDEN Opinion AMERICANS REACT TO NANCY PELOSI RUNNING FOR REELECTION Cartoons OUR NEXT INFESTANT MORE Breaking News NATION COULD HAVE SWORN RUSSELL BRAND WAS ALREADY CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER Breaking News ‘NEW YORK TIMES’ FAILS TO DISCLOSE THAT EVERY EDITOR DATING MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN Local PARENTS SIT ADOPTED CHILD DOWN TO EXPLAIN WHY HE SO MUCH UGLIER THAN THEM Breaking News JORDAN PETERSON RANTS ABOUT EMASCULATED SCARECROWS COVERED IN BIRDS LOCAL Show all Local FAMILY UNAWARE DAD’S FALLOUT BUNKER ONLY HAS ENOUGH SUPPLIES FOR ONE SURVIVOR VAN BUREN, MO—Blissfully going about their days thinking they would be adequately provided for in the event of an environment-destroying emergency, Dodson family members were reportedly unaware that their father’s fallout bunker only has enough… Local MAN REQUESTS SPOTTER FOR PARTICULARLY MESSY SANDWICH Local PARENTS KEEP MISSING DAUGHTER’S CAGE EXACTLY HOW SHE LEFT IT WHEN SHE ESCAPED Local SUBURBANITES BAFFLED BY PERSON OUTDOORS WHO ISN’T DELIVERING SOMETHING Local ICE AGENT TORTURING MIGRANTS MOVED BY RESILIENCY OF HUMAN SPIRIT POLITICS Show all Politics AIDE PULLS SEVERAL WET PAGES OF BILL OUT OF DIANNE FEINSTEIN’S MOUTH WASHINGTON—Trying to dislodge the saliva-covered documents without tearing them on the senator’s teeth, Senate aide Austin Shear reportedly pulled several wet pages out of Dianne Feinstein’s mouth Friday. “No, Dianne, that’s very bad—drop it!” said… Politics BIDEN ATTEMPTS TO EASE WORRIES ABOUT HIS AGE WITH DRAMATIC FACE LIFT Politics CONSERVATIVES EXPLAIN WHY FULTON COUNTY DA FANI WILLIS SHOULD BE IMPEACHED Opinion CONVICTED FELONS GIVE TRUMP ADVICE FOR GOING TO PRISON Opinion AMERICANS EXPLAIN WHY MITCH MCCONNELL SHOULD STEP DOWN IN CASE YOU MISSED IT Breaking News NEW STITCH FIX SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE SENDS SAME DUMPY T-SHIRT WIFE HATES Breaking News NEW IPHONE 15 INCLUDES 12 ANIMAL SOUNDS AND COLORFUL LEVER Breaking News PRISON ABOLITIONIST MUST WANT RAPISTS TO JUST FREELY FROLIC IN FIELD AROUND MAYPOLE Breaking News INSTACART VALUATION CRASHES AS AMERICANS REALIZE THEY CAN DO SOME THINGS FOR THEMSELVES OPINION Show all Opinion EDGELORDS EXPLAIN WHY THEY LOVE ELON MUSK American Voices HUNTER BIDEN INDICTED ON FEDERAL GUN CHARGES Opinion AMERICANS REVEAL WHAT IT’S LIKE LIVING WITH THE WOKE MIND VIRUS Cartoons WRONG JOHN SILVER ENTERTAINMENT Show all Entertainment BILL MAHER RETURNS TO SHOW OVER FEARS AGING FAN BASE WILL DIE OFF BEFORE WRITERS’ STRIKE ENDS Entertainment DREW BARRYMORE OPENS GM ASSEMBLY PLANT AMID IMPENDING AUTOWORKER STRIKE Entertainment TOPHER GRACE COMES OUT IN SUPPORT OF GIVING DANNY MASTERSON ELECTRIC CHAIR Entertainment JONAS BROTHERS MAKE TREE-HOUSE PACT TO DIVORCE MEAN WIVES AND MARRY EACH OTHER Football NFL PLAYERS SUSPENDED FOR VIOLATING DRAFTKINGS TERMS OF USE Basketball FREE AGENT KYRIE IRVING EXCITED TO ALIENATE ALL POTENTIAL OPTIONS Hockey VEGAS-AREA PAWN SHOP CELEBRATES BEING 6 WEEKS AWAY FROM OWNING STANLEY CUP Football TYREEK HILL SURPRISED TO DISCOVER ASSAULT ILLEGAL IN FLORIDA word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word 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