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Submission: On September 16 via api from BE — Scanned from CA
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Accessibility statementSkip to main content Democracy Dies in Darkness SubscribeSign in Advertisement Democracy Dies in Darkness adviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice adviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice CAROLYN HAX: WILL A FRIENDLY EX-SPOUSE SCARE AWAY FUTURE DATES? A letter writer wonders whether remaining on good terms with an ex-spouse is something that will scare off potential dates. 3 min 730 (Illustration by Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post) Column by Carolyn Hax September 16, 2024 at 12:00 a.m. EDT Adapted from an online discussion. Hey, Carolyn: My ex and I (no kids) are still great friends after our split. Luckily for us, we still got along and didn’t want to take it out on each other. It took some work, but we’ve both kept our mutual friends, we hang out on occasion, and we think of each other as part of our extended “family.” It’s been about a year and a half, I’ve spent time alone to figure myself out, our boundaries seem to be in a good place, and everything is stable. It’s been really healthy! Subscribe for unlimited access to The Post You can cancel anytime. Subscribe It seems like a lot of people find this situation terrifying, though. I don’t know a single other person who had an amicable divorce, and I think we might be the only friendly dissolution anyone else in my social circle knows — “conscious uncoupling” notwithstanding, but that seems to just be joke fodder. It’s a shame. The almost-universal assumption seems to be that if you’re over them, then you never see them again, and if you DO still talk to them, then that’s a sign you’re stuck on them. Advertisement Story continues below advertisement I’m starting to dip my toes back in the dating pool, and I feel pretty confident about my ability to communicate and compromise once I’m in a relationship. I also know there’s a certain amount of “If they don’t get it, they’re just not right for you” going on. I’m worried it’s going to be very uncomfortable for a lot of the people I might be interested in. Any ideas for how I could broach the subject without scaring (too many) people away? 🗣️ Follow Advice Follow — Amicable Amicable: Scaring people away gets a bad rap. And the wrong name: It’s called filtering, and it’s an even better friend than your ex. Here’s why: Even if your ex moves unreachably far away from you and your chumminess will be effectively moot for any subsequent partners, the mindset you have is still an integral part of who you are. You think this way. You work hard to live this way. You recognize not everyone understands this. Advertisement Story continues below advertisement Skip to end of carousel ABOUT CAROLYN HAX (For The Washington Post) I’ve written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can send me your questions here (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don’t want to miss a column, you can sign up for my daily newsletter. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can submit a question in advance or join me live. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram. End of carousel So get out with it early. “I was married before. We divorced X years ago. We were good friends till he moved to the moon, and stay in touch.” If what are core values to you are a jump scare to somebody else, great, find that out ASAP. The right person will appreciate that you think this way and work hard to live this way and, ahh, don’t flinch when it comes up organically. Something else entirely, but worth mentioning: Even a new partner who is okay with friendly exes may not like your actual ex. But you can figure that out when you get there. Re: Amicable: If you disclosed to me that you were buddies with your ex, then I’d think you were humblebragging, which I’d find far more off-putting than being good friends. Story continues below advertisement — Anonymous Anonymous: Great. If they tell, then they’re jerks. And if they don’t tell, then they’re withholding relevant information. Advertisement Right? How would you react months later when you find out their great friend Whoever is actually their ex-spouse? You wouldn’t jump on them for lying to you by omission? If your worldview means no one can freaking win, then maybe you need a new worldview. You didn’t ask me, but I recommend one where people trying to be decent and transparent in their relationships get the benefit of the doubt. Or it’s like I said: Friendly exes make great filters. MORE FROM CAROLYN HAX From the archive: Son and his wife are expecting twins and have asked us not to visit Do I have to shake hands with The Other Woman? No warm welcome from foster siblings Brother’s wife skipped grandma’s funeral. Call her on it? Daughter limits contact after mom decries her appearance More: Sign up for Carolyn’s email newsletter to get her column delivered to your inbox each morning. Carolyn has a Q&A with readers on Fridays. Read the most recent live chat here. The next chat is Sept. 20 at 12 p.m. Resources for getting help. Frequently asked questions about the column. Chat glossary Show more Share 730 Comments NewsletterThursdays for 12 weeks Voraciously: Meal Plan of Action Dinner needs a game plan. Menus and meal prep guides for the week ahead — every Thursday for 12 weeks. Sign up Subscribe to comment and get the full experience. 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