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TRAUMA: THE KEY TO EVOLUTION

* July 13, 2023
* Femi Ayanbadejo

Image by MTMcPhearson | Canva

The following is a condensed excerpt from “The Ultimate Guide to Becoming a
Successful Soul Professional,” where human performance expert and former NFL
running back, Femi Ayanbadejo pens his chapter, “Trauma: The Key to Evolution.”

“PEOPLE DON’T CRY BECAUSE THEY’RE WEAK.

THEY CRY BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN TRYING TO BE TOO STRONG FOR TOO LONG.” (UNKNOWN)

Before I turned ten years old, I was sexually assaulted twice. The first was by
a boy in my neighborhood. I was about six, and the boy was 12 or 13. The second
was by a trusted adult. I also saw my mom abused by lesser men. I was a
prepubescent child trying to protect my mother from grown men. It didn’t go
well.

By the time I turned 16, I was bigger than most men. I made sure any man who
disrespected me, my mother, or my family, felt my pain and power after years of
powerlessness. I don’t condone violence or taking out past grievances on another
for transgressions they didn’t commit. The truth is, I had already been through
years of sordid events I was incapable of processing.

It’s my belief that understanding trauma on a deeper level can help us develop
healthier relationships with ourselves and everyone around us. My trauma can be
another’s salvation.

My observations and analysis of my trauma have made things very clear to me. I’m
a badass motherfucker. And you can be a badass, too. This isn’t a story about
broken things. This is a story of triumph and self-discovery. I’m not badass
because I’m tough and static, but because I’m agile and dynamic—perpetually
searching for the lesson and critique in every survival event I encounter. Each
survival event is a chance to evolve or potentially self-destruct. I see each
event as an opportunity; there is no such thing as insignificant trauma.

The most impactful traumatic events in my early life weren’t the sexual
assaults. It was the drowning of my half-brother, Tope, at a public swimming
pool in Lagos, Nigeria, when I was three. While taking me to the bathroom, he
slipped and fell into the pool’s deep end. No one knows how he ended up at the
bottom of that pool. For years, I’ve wondered if the loss of his life spared
mine.

We moved to Nigeria when I was a toddler. Living with a white mother, an absent
father, and basic amenities often lacking, my early life was challenging. After
my brother’s death, my mother, fearing for her safety, smuggled us out of the
country with aid from British foreign nationals and the US embassy. We
eventually settled in a housing project called Lathrop Homes on the north side
of Chicago. Here, violence, drugs, and stray gunfire was a common occurrence.

At 11, we moved to Santa Cruz, California, shifting from one extreme environment
to another in a four-day journey. Adapting was a struggle, as I felt like an
outsider and missed the familiar, albeit violent, life back in Chicago. However,
the move likely saved my life, and with time, I began to appreciate Santa Cruz
and the opportunities and safety it provided.

Despite the safety and security that comes with growing up in Santa Cruz, trauma
exposure can be reduced but never eliminated, whether it be the Loma Prieta
earthquake or harassment by the police. I learned to perceive these “big T” and
“little t” traumatic events as part of my survival journey, using them as fuel
to evolve and build resilience.

Despite not receiving an athletic scholarship after my time at Santa Cruz High,
I still believed in my ability. I was 16 years old for most of my senior year. A
gap year made sense. I worked at a retirement home and lived in the gym for a
year. Post my gap year, I enrolled at Cabrillo community college, eventually
earning a football scholarship to San Diego State University (SDSU). I managed
to parlay my scholarship into a psychology degree, an 11-year NFL career, a
Super Bowl championship, and a venture into entrepreneurship. This was the
foundation of my human performance coaching expertise and aspirations.

After five years as a co-founder of a fitness business and human performance
expert, I chose to put my ambition and kids on equal footing. No more parenting
from a distance or quarterly visits. In retrospect, those five years were
necessary for me to work on myself after over a decade in the NFL and the trauma
that comes with that. I sold everything I owned, including my equity stake in
the fitness business and my house in San Diego. I once again found myself making
a 4-day cross-country drive; this time, it was back to a familiar city,
Baltimore. I enrolled at Johns Hopkins University as a graduate student. Two
years later, I completed my MBA, coached my kids’ flag football teams, and
experienced all the memorable moments. Meanwhile, I continued developing my
health-tech startup and methodology around resilience. A former professor from
Hopkins introduced me to NASA’s technology transfer program. I was the first
athlete in history to sign such an agreement.

Reflecting on my journey, past trauma became a force for good, helping me evolve
personally and professionally. My life is marked by traumatic episodes and
adaptation. As I became better at analyzing my trauma and developing coping
strategies that worked, I knew I could help others better understand their own
trauma and how to begin resolving it.

It’s important to differentiate between magnitudes of trauma and categorical
differences in trauma. Those differences are subjective and aren’t to be judged.
Trauma should be seen through the eyes of the survivor. We’re all in different
places, with unique origin stories, coping mechanisms, and experiences. Our
genetics, environments, external support, and a myriad of other factors can lead
to different responses when comparing similar survival events and circumstances.
I believe it’s a mistake to compare one person’s trauma to another. The goal is
to create an environment where we can all share our experiences and learnings
without comparing magnitude or direct results.

This process can be two steps forward and one step back; effectively managing
trauma can elicit short-term trauma for those close to us. A key realization in
the self-discovery process is acknowledging the trauma I have intentionally and
unintentionally caused others. At times we see trauma from a perspective that is
self-serving. It is self-preservation we seek. We do not see the trauma we
create when we are suffering. This is a key concept in my trauma rubric. It’s my
hope that the trauma I cause for others is not destructive but leads to
long-term resilience, evolution, and enlightenment for me and them. If we look
at trauma on a telescopic and microscopic level, we can see it’s the story of
evolution. This holds true when looking at the development of the universe,
galaxies, our solar system, planet, and birth. Trauma is rooted in us
genetically, chemically, and atomically.

My relationship with trauma is rooted in some constants. I’m comfortable being
uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy trauma or seek out discomfort. I also do not run or
hide from it. It has taught me to embrace confrontation and accept that things
break along the way, only to be rebuilt more resilient than the previous
iteration. Trauma can stir up many emotions. None of those emotions are wrong.
What we do with those emotions is what matters. Not all the emotions we
experience from trauma are negative. Discomfort around trauma will keep many
from facing it, which can be worse than the trauma itself; traumatic experiences
can be closed-looped and are bound to resurface when left unchecked. If you’re
willing to be open-minded and accept the emotions that come with assessing one’s
trauma, truths are illuminated. Within the trauma experience exists malleable
mental, emotional, and physical armor. This armor grows as you grow and can be
called upon at any time when we create a disciplined and empathetic relationship
with trauma.

THE STRATEGY

PART 1: EVOLUTION IS ROOTED IN SURVIVAL, ASSESSMENT, LEARNING, DEPLOYMENT, AND
SHARING

Survive: No matter the seriousness or magnitude, survive the event. Under more
subtle circumstances involving verbal attacks, character assassination, or
confrontation, do not succumb to impulse.

Assess: How, what, and why? What was your role in said event? Could you have
done anything differently? Is this a recurring survival event? One can reflect
for hours, days, weeks, or years.

Learn: After assessing the survival event and the results, what did you learn?
What skills do you need to acquire or work toward to avoid similar events and
outcomes?

Deploy: Have a response plan in place to minimize future trauma. Making the jump
from learning to deployment can be difficult. It takes self-control and
self-awareness to not respond impulsively when we find ourselves in repeat
survival situations or under attack.

Share: It can be cathartic to speak about our survival events and trauma.
Sharing saves lives or at the least unnecessary trauma. You don’t need to hit
your head against the wall to know it hurts.

PART 2: TRAUMA TYPES (PROOOF)

Positive: Positive trauma comes from people we trust—coaches, mentors, and
family members. It forces us to listen to things we may not be ready to hear and
process and must if we hope to continue to evolve. Short-term pain for long-term
gain.

Random: Some survival events are random and not the result of ill intent. Life
happens. I mentioned the Loma Prieta earthquake. Through the assessment process
I could choose to not live in earthquake zones but the event itself was a random
event.

Occupational: Trauma is mental, physical, and emotional. Many have jobs that put
us at risk of all three simultaneously. We must set aside time to understand the
survival events and trauma that come with our lines of work. Suppressed trauma
can be a ticking time bomb. Occupational trauma is not something you can manage
alone in some lines of work. Talk to someone.

Ourselves: We can be the source of our own trauma. Making decisions that do not
serve ourselves and cause internal as well as external friction. Do not hit
snooze when your internal alarm goes off. Life has enough obstacles without
getting in your own way.

Others: We must recognize the trauma we cause others. We must then ask ourselves
why. “I’m sorry” are two of the most powerful words in our language. What it
communicates is responsibility, accountability, and awareness.

Family/Friends: This is the inverse of the point above. Sometimes we need to cut
people loose or at least temporarily avoid them if they’re knowingly and
purposely causing us unnecessary trauma. We must frequently ask ourselves what
type of impact the people we surround ourselves with have on our lives. Is it
positive, negative, and necessary?

I do not expect anyone to navigate this process with perfection or to come away
with false notions around living with trauma. In fitness we call exercises that
lead to muscle building ‘hypertrophy training.’ You cause trauma to the muscle
and the body responds by increasing the size and the strength of the damaged
muscle as it heals. This is hypertrophy training for your soul and mind.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Femi is a human performance expert, certified nutritionist, speaker,
entrepreneur, consultant and health technologist. He is the founder and CEO of
HealthReel Inc. and has created his own methodology on health optimization
entitled “The Five Rings of Resilience.” Femi completed his MBA at Johns Hopkins
University and is also a NASA technology transfer partner. He has remained
close to both NASA and Johns Hopkins in consulting and collaboration roles.

Femi also has experience at the corporate executive level. He was VP of business
development and strategic planning at a Baltimore based organization prior to
going all in on entrepreneurship and human performance. Femi played 11 years in
the NFL as a running back and special teamer. He was part of the Baltimore
Ravens 2000 Super Bowl XXXV championship team. Femi played college football at
San Diego State University and has a degree in psychology from SDSU.

IF YOU’D LIKE TO COLLABORATE WITH FEMI OR HAVE HIM AS A GUEST SPEAKER YOU CAN
EMAIL HIM DIRECTLY OR REACH HIM ON SOCIAL SITES AT THE FOLLOWING LOCATIONS.

* femi@healthreel.com
* LinkedIn.com/in/femiayanbadejo
* Instagram @Obafemi30
* Twitter @Obafemi30
* Healthreel.com

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