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Submission: On December 01 via api from US — Scanned from CA
Effective URL: https://theonion.com/
Submission: On December 01 via api from US — Scanned from CA
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Skip to content Black Friday Sale: Get the Paper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunday, December 1, 2024 64° Electromagnetic storm, raining aircraft America’s Finest News Source -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * News * Local * Politics * Entertainment * Sports * Opinion * More * Search * The Latest * Video * Horoscopes * The Onion Store * News * Local * Politics * Entertainment * Sports * Opinion * More * Search * The Latest * Video * Horoscopes * The Onion Store Sunday, December 1, 2024 64° Electromagnetic storm, raining aircraft Menu Close Become A Member * The Latest * News * Local * Politics * Entertainment * Sports * Opinion * Video * Search * Horoscopes * About Us * The Onion Store * * Instagram * Twitter * Facebook * YouTube * TikTok * Bluesky Black Friday Sale: Get Merch. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Instagram * Twitter * Facebook * YouTube * TikTok * Bluesky -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * News STUDY: OVERUSE OF HAIR DETANGLER GIVING RISE TO PRODUCT-RESISTANT SUPERTANGLES EL SEGUNDO, CA—Revealing that split ends have grown 50% stronger in just the past decade, a new study published Friday by researchers at the L’Oréal Academy warned that overuse of hair detangler was… -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ONION IS BACK IN PRINT. GET THE PAPER. BECOME A MEMBER. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trending News * MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY BALLOON FLOATS AWAY AFTER HANDLERS LET GO TO CHECK THEIR PHONES * REPORT: MOST AMERICANS HAVE ENOUGH SAVED FOR ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE SINGLE DAY OF RETIREMENT * ‘YOU’RE THE BONNIE TO MY CLYDE,’ SAYS BIDEN RUNNING OFF WITH PARDONED TURKEY * TRUMP ADMITS ENTIRE POLITICAL CAREER HAS BEEN WWE STORYLINE TO SET UP MATCH WITH CODY RHODES -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * MANIFEST DUNCE-ITY * STARS AND STRIPS * THE HANDMAID’S PIGTAIL * HURRIPAIN-IN-THE-ASS * 1 * 2 * 3 * 4 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Local PARENTS COMPLETELY JACKED 3 MONTHS INTO RETIREMENT -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ONION IS BACK IN PRINT. GET THE PAPER. BECOME A MEMBER. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Local PARENTS COMPLETELY JACKED 3 MONTHS INTO RETIREMENT -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- POPULAR VIDEOS TAYLOR SWIFT ARRESTED ON WEAPONS CHARGES AFTER FEDERAL AGENTS RAID TOUR BUS EXPERT EXPLAINS WHY, ESSENTIALLY, YOU’RE FUCKED CASH-STRAPPED SUBWAY THREATENS TO REVEAL IDENTITIES OF CUSTOMERS WHO EAT SUBWAY IF THEY DON’T PAY NEO-NAZI PULLS OFF SURPRISE VICTORY IN LONG-HELD KKK DISTRICT * 1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEWS * News STUDY: OVERUSE OF HAIR DETANGLER GIVING RISE TO PRODUCT-RESISTANT SUPERTANGLES * News MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY BALLOON FLOATS AWAY AFTER HANDLERS LET GO TO CHECK THEIR PHONES * News FDA BANS CAPTAIN MORGAN RUM AFTER HAVING WAY TOO MUCH OF THAT SHIT IN COLLEGE * News REPORT: MOST AMERICANS HAVE ENOUGH SAVED FOR ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE SINGLE DAY OF RETIREMENT Read More -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SEND US MONEY UNTIL THE THROBBING SUBSIDES. Join The Onion Today LOCAL * Local PARENTS COMPLETELY JACKED 3 MONTHS INTO RETIREMENT * Local GOOD MOOD WASTED ON COWORKERS * Local DYING RELATIVE SENT QUICK ‘HOW YOU HOLDING UP?’ TEXT * Local EVERY MOVEMENT IN MAN’S BURRITO-EATING TECHNIQUE INFORMED BY PAST BURRITO TRAGEDIES Read More -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advertising Advertising POLITICS * Politics FACT-CHECKING RFK JR. 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JAKE PAUL FIGHT * Entertainment LOGAN PAUL CLAIMS PRIME PERFECTLY HEALTHY FOR AVERAGE 9-FOOT-TALL, 400-POUND CHILD * Entertainment THE ONION’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JOAQUIN PHOENIX AND LADY GAGA Read More -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advertising Advertising SPORTS * HADES’ INFERNO STADIUM ONCE AGAIN RANKED TOUGHEST ARENA TO PLAY IN * STEPHEN NEDOROSCIK UNDER FIRE AFTER VIDEO SHOWS HIM WHIPPING POMMEL HORSE * PHYSICAL THERAPY OFFICE POLITELY DECLINES DANIEL JONES’ OFFER OF FRAMED, SIGNED JERSEY FOR WALL * MLB LOSES MILLIONS OF STATS IN WAREHOUSE FIRE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TRENDING NEWS * MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY BALLOON FLOATS AWAY AFTER HANDLERS LET GO TO CHECK THEIR PHONES * REPORT: MOST AMERICANS HAVE ENOUGH SAVED FOR ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE SINGLE DAY OF RETIREMENT * ‘YOU’RE THE BONNIE TO MY CLYDE,’ SAYS BIDEN RUNNING OFF WITH PARDONED TURKEY * TRUMP ADMITS ENTIRE POLITICAL CAREER HAS BEEN WWE STORYLINE TO SET UP MATCH WITH CODY RHODES -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OPINION * MANIFEST DUNCE-ITY -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- * American Voices AMERICANS CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Read More -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday * Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): You’re going out in that? 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