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ASPIRING COMEDIAN

Coming up with random crap for your amusement!


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2007


30 POSTS!!


Hooray, I have finally reached the 30 post mark! Well not really. The sad truth
is, this blog is crap so I made a new one. It seems like one or two people still
find their way here somehow, so go to my new and better blog HERE


posted by Gary at 2:02 PM 75 comments


MONDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2006


NO UPDATES IN A LONG TIME


Whew... that was a long time not doing any updates. Well, I've decided to get
back into the blogging buisiness and resume doing what I do best. The new year
is coming, and I have big things planned for this blog. Big, Big huge things.
Things an ordinary human brain would not even be able to comprehend without a
substantial amount of alcohol intake followed by a Google image search for
"Brian Peppers". So.... you've been warned. As for the rest of the time before
the new year, I'll just post anything I come up with. Maybe I'll finally start
on my new animated children's series, called "The Adventures of Hitler Toilet".
As for now, I have an overdue paper to write. Really the only reason I decided
to make this post after almost a month of nothing is to procrastinate. You know,
this is the perfect opportunity to talk about all the random things I've been
thinking about..crap i gotta write that paper.. such as commercials. Have you
ever noticed that.. oh what the hell. I have to write this damn thing or I'm
screwed. Peace.


posted by Gary at 7:24 PM 2 comments


FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2006


FALLING DOWN THE STEPS - HOW ONE MAN SERIOUSLY EMBARRASED AND INJURED HIMSELF AT
THE SAME TIME


It started out as an ordinary pep rally. The whores were doing their whore-y
cheers, the band was playing the same "song" that they play every pep rally and
probably the only one they ever practice, and some idiot was yelling stuff into
a microphone about how he enjoys taking showers with his football teammates. All
was quiet when something unexpected happened. Some kid got out of his seat,
started down the steps and tripped. He rolled all the way down and hit his head
on the banister. This is his story. Of how I am about to make fun of him.

It looked like he had tripped. I thought he did it on purpose, like a joke. I'm
sure thats what everyone else thought, until he never got up when he reached the
bottom. If it was me, I'd be pretty embarrassed. If I was still concious that
is. But it really did look like he fell on purpose. He did this roll. Like when
you are running and you get into a roll to get under that gate thats coming
down, and you slip under it just in time to get away from the terrorists chasing
you. He never did get away from those terrorists.... Anyway, thats just my
opinion on what happened.

Some people had their own opinions on what happened. For example, some people
thought he was trying to commit suicide. For one thing, that sounds highly
illogical. I can think of a million better ways he could kill himself and be
more succesful. What did people think his plan would have been anyway?

"Ok, I'm gonna do it. Im gonna roll down the steps, and then my head will
explode when it hits the banister. its perfect. I shall be remembered forever as
the head exploding kid! And they will write a book about me. its perfect..... I
should really expand my vocabulary."

The good thing is that they took him away on a stretcher and he will most likely
make a full recovery. Physically anyway.


posted by Gary at 8:36 PM 0 comments


MONDAY, NOVEMBER 06, 2006


GETTING BACK TO BUSINESS


Wow, I haven't blogged in a long time. Its gonna be tough to get back into
things again, so I just gotta ease back into it. I know, I'll create one of my
classic cartoons and scan it into the computer. Yeah, thats what i'll do.
Tommorow.


posted by Gary at 7:49 PM 0 comments


FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2006


AW SCREW IT!


I could never keep a rigid schedule like that, especially when spur of the
moment stuff comes up that I just have to type up. This is a conversation I had
with a recruiter. I decided to have some fun and screw around with him a little
bit.

Phone rings

Me: Hello?
Recruiter: Hi, my name is Joe and I'm calling all high school seniors to see
what their plans are after high school.
Me: Ok.
Recruiter: .......What do you plan to do after high school?
Me: Uhhh, I wanna be president.
Recruiter: oh, really?
Me: Yeah.
Recruiter: Heh. Well, you know, being president is a tough job. You gotta be
pretty smart and know what you are doing.
Me:Uh-huh. I don't quite see where you are going with this.
Recruiter: Hrm...
Me: But before that, I plan on going to college.
Recruiter: Ok. Where are you going to go?
Me: I'm thinking either USF and if not there then a community college.
Recruiter: Ok, cool. What are you going to major in?
Me: Ummm.. that I don't really know. I'm still.. I'm still thinking about that.
Recruiter: Well, what are your interests?
Me: Forks.
Recruiter: .....
Me: I like to make things out of forks. Sometimes I just sit there for hours
bending forks and making stuff.
Recruiter: So, you like building things?
Me: No. I like Forks.
Recruiter: Ok. Have you considered the marines? We have many programs and jobs
where you can put things together. Your tuition will be covered 100%.
Me: Nah, the marines aren't for me. I've heard some things that happen there.
Its really not my for me.
Recruiter : What have you heard?
Me: Well, is it true that many marines become gay from taking all those group
showers?
Recruiter: No, of course not. Who told you that?
Me: You say that like being gay is a bad thing. Do you have a problem with gays?
Recruiter: No, I'm just saying what you heard isn't true. You can be gay if you
want, I don't have a problem with it.
Me: I'm not... I'm not gay.
Recruiter: I didn't-
Me: When they shave your head, do they.. umm... do you have to shave your
naughty parts too?
Recruiter: Your what? No. Thats not a requirement.
Me: Ok.
Recruiter:.....
Me: Did you hear that?
Recruiter: What..
Me: I heard a noise. Like....like and old man choking a cat.
Recruiter: No. I don't hear anything.
Me: hmm... I guess its just me. I hear things sometimes. You know, like that kid
who saw dead people? Well, I can hear them.
Recruiter: I see.
*After this he asks me some questions to see if I'm qualified to be a marine.
Just some routine questions which I answer normally. Finally we get to the last
few minutes of the conversation.
Recruiter: Well, you're qualified.
Me: Ok, but the marines.. its just not for me.
Recruiter: Why not?
Me: Well... I don't tell this to most people but... I have a tail. And... I'm
very self concious about that. It's pretty gross. Its like.. like a rats tail. I
try to hide it under my pants and it looks like I have an erection from behind.
Recruiter: ......
Me: But umm.. Hey, I'll think about it and.. you know.. if I change my mind I'll
give you guys a call or however.. that works.
Recruiter: I can just give you a call in a few months and see what your plans
are at that time.
Me: Ok sure. Bye.
Recruiter: Bye.



posted by Gary at 3:14 PM 13 comments


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 08, 2006


TAKING THINGS IN A BIT OF A DIFFERENT DIRECTION....


After having this blog for a while, it seems that something just isn't right.
So, I took some time to think about it, I've realised that my blog needs more
structure. So, starting tommorow Tuesday maybe next week, this is how its going
to be:

Short Story Monday - Every Monday I will tell a short story. It will mostly be
random nonsense, that, when read in the proper conditions will make total sense.

A comic of some sort Tuesday - Every Tuesday I will use my awsome drawing skills
to come up with some sort of witty and occasionally hilarious comic.

Wacky Wednesday - Every Wednesday I will write about myself, or my thoughts on
something.

Anything goes Thursday - Thursdays will be completely random. Anything can
happen.

In the news Friday - Every Friday I will link to some interesting news articles
and give my own views on it or something like that.

As for saturday and sunday, well, even bloggers need to take breaks. Maybe
someday I will think of something for those days. As for now, this is how its
going to be. I'll try it out and see what happens.


posted by Gary at 1:55 PM 1 comments


THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2006


THINGS THAT BUG ME


All throughout my life there have been things big and small that have at one
time or another bugged or bothered me. Things I believe the world would best do
without. I thought about it, and have decided to make a list of some of these
things in no particular order of importance. Enjoy.

1. Annoying or stupid ringtones - Every once in a while you are on a train or a
bus and you get that person with some annoying ringtone that only he/she thinks
is funny. You just want to get into their face and tell them to change their
freaking ringtone to something less idiotic. Seriously, a man vomiting as a
ringtone is not funny. Sure, maybe its funny when you are some college kid
looking for a laugh, but not when you are a 40-year man in a doctor's office
full of sick people.
2. Censorship - This portion of the entry has been removed by blogger.com for
containing extreme profanity, violent depictions of violence, and several poorly
executed penis jokes.
3. Religion
4. Strange relationships in cartoons - This is something that has always
bothered me. What is it with the wierd relationships cartoon characters
sometimes have? Like in this one cartoon a cat with a distinctly older male
voice seems to have a thing for some little girl. Creepy? You bet it is. Number
one, this clearly implies bestiality between a human and an animal. Number two,
although the ages are never specified, the cat has the voice of a grown man(with
a *scottish accent, to be more specific). So, not only are themes of beastiality
present, but so are themes of pedophelia. You may say to yourself that this is
just a cartoon, and children will never figure any of this out. But what will
you say when you see your 5 year old trying to get some from the neighbors cat?
Something tells me that the people who came up with this cartoon had a little
more on their minds than I'd like to know. *My apology to all Scottish people if
this makes you look bad. Hopefully beastiality and pedophilia won't be the new
scottish stereotypes, although after this post I can't make any promises.
5. Soap operas - One thing that I could never get are the soap operas. You know,
the ones with over the top plots and bad acting? Well ok, I can be lenient on
the acting. If I would venture a guess, I would say that that bad acting is a
result of really low standards. I mean, most of the people who act in soap
operas are either illegal immigrants, illiterate, or both. Acting aside, there
are also the ridiculous plots. Here are a few examples of some typical soap
opera plots:

1. Terri has just found out the John is pregnant! But who is the father? Find
out next week when the shocking test results are revealed!
2. Samantha, who is cheating on Bob with his identical brother Rob(who is
cheating on Samantha with her identical brother, James Issac the Second) is in a
coma after falling down twenty(20) flights of stairs(_-^). At the same time, the
doctors have discovered she was somehow impregnated during her fall. But who is
the father? Find out next week when the doctors perform a dangerous operation to
remove her forehead nipples.
3. Jessica is having a custody battle with her ex-boyfriend and former pimp,
Jesus Smurfenmeister, over their son, Jesus Smurfenmiester Jr. Jessica wants
custody of Jesus Jr. so she can put him in a private school, while Jesus Sr.
wants to him to take up the family pimp business. As the court proceeds, things
start to heat up when they start revealing each other's embarassing secrets,
like Jesus's periodic lactation. Eventually they end up having sexual relations
on the floor while the Jury is left to decide who gets custody of Jesus Jr.

Well, thats pretty much everything. Now its up to you to come up with things
that bug you. Email me at my email address, and maybe I will feature your
"Things that bug you" right here on my blog. Nah, not really. But you can humor
me by trying.


posted by Gary at 7:44 PM 2 comments


ABOUT ME

Name: Gary Location: Land o Lakes, Florida, United States

My name is Gary, and my purpose in life is to make people laugh, and then when
they aren't looking, slap them in the face and run away

View my complete profile


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PREVIOUS POSTS

 * 30 posts!!
 * No updates in a long time
 * Falling Down the Steps - How one man seriously emb...
 * Getting back to business
 * Aw screw it!
 * Taking things in a bit of a different direction....
 * Things that bug me
 * Yeah....
 * Long time no update....
 * Story Time pt. 3


ARCHIVES

 * July 2006
 * August 2006
 * September 2006
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 * November 2006
 * December 2006
 * October 2007



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