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AMERICA WINS THE WAR

As much as we enjoyed not updating as a condition of our advisory position in
service to the U.S. Government during our recent war against Terrorism, we're
finally back. As a big welcome back present to ourselves, we took a break and
didn't update for a while longer. Then, we did.

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12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, COMPLAINTS ABOUT RETURN TO WOLFENSTEIN

"12 Days of Christmas and Complaints About Return to Castle Wolfenstein Week"
kicks off. Moving from back to front, we first discuss the boss monster. Spoiler
alert! Unless you watched the opening movie. For those of you who celebrate
Chanukah, feel free to think of the article as "12 Days of Christmas and
Chanukah Sucks".

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AMERICA UNDER ATTACK

We're not gonna pussyfoot around this: Terrorists blew up the World Trade
Center.  We know it and you know it, and there isn't any other topic on the
planet that amounts to much in the aftermath of it.  As much as we'd like to
think up some mildly positive spin to this, such as the new possibility that we
might get to see Cat Stevens killed on live television, we can't.  Frankly, it's
the first explosive act in what will probably be the end of the world.  Luckily
for you, unlike many stars of stage and screen, Erik's all cried out now and
there's only rage left in the parts of his head where tears used to be. He's a
gamer.  That's who he is, that's what he does, that's all he knows, and that's
how he plans to avenge us all.

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E3 2001

Starting at the airport, where I bought a copy Daniel Evans' novel "Glory Hole"
thinking it was a tale of bravery in the trenches during World War 1, E3 turned
out to be four days of constant surprises.  The big shock this year? Glory Hole
is not a military term.  But like the novel "Glory Hole", E3 turned out to still
be pretty good.  Well, I guess I've talked enough about Glory Holes for one
update, so I'll sit here quietly and just think about them while you read E3
2000 Part 2: E3 2001!

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WELCOME BACK MESSAGE

I'll be honest with you: I don't know what happened.  To make up for our
extended leave of absence, I've written a letter of explanation that includes
three or four hidden game reviews.  As a further act of contrition, I've hidden
them in plain sight.  The letter also includes a rap about Black and White. 
Remarkably, no apology for the rap will be necessary since it's actually "quite
dope", as the Oxford-educated butler on a UPN sitcom guest starring DMX might
say.

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SERIOUS SAM: THE SECOND INTERVIEW

Serious Sam's out.  To celebrate, we've landed yet another exclusive interview
with Croteam's Roman Ribaric.  In it, he once again sticks it to the Man.  As
usual, the Man becomes red-faced and shakes his fist at Roman.  You don't have
to be against the Man to enjoy this interview, but it helps.  Continuing our
long tradition of service to the community, we've made it easier than ever for
you to access the interview by providing three points of entry.  Click here,
here, or here.

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2000 EDGY GAME OF THE YEAR AWARDS

We are back with our first ever year end awards.  Every day for the next six
days we will be giving out an award in a new best of category. 
Intro
Best Tribes 2 Screen Shot
Best Use of Norse Mythology
Reviewer's Tilt
The Winner!
For those of you worried about our recent money troubles.  Stop just mailing in
and offering us your sympathy. You can make a difference. Yes,  a mere reader
like you CAN help.  Just blow up the image on the right and print out as many as
you can.   Then staple them to telephone poles in your area.   For maximum
coverage - make your own and vary the wallet color.   Thanks.

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FREEDOM: FIRST RESISTANCE REVIEW

Unlike every other goddamn site, we're not going to ruin the suspense and tell
you right from the very first paragraph how we feel about a game.   Instead,
we're going to state a few facts, drop a couple of subtle hints, and then only
tell you whether or not we like the game at the very end.  See if you're clever
- and brave! - enough to guess our opinion... Before we even express it!

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AMERICAN MCGEE'S ALICE REVIEW

An OMM first!  In an edgy display of opinion giving, we review Gunman
Chronicles, American McGee's Alice, and a little bit of Giants.  We even like
one of them.  Click on the word Giants to find out which one.

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DREAMCAST CONTEST

Just in time for Christmas, we're giving away a Dreamcast and five great games
and Shenmue.  My goddamn back arrow key isn't working, so pretend the three
exclamation points at the end of this sentence  are at the end of the previous
sentence!!!  For once we thought ahead and actually had all the prize stuff in
our hands before we announced the contest.

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NO ONE LIVES FOREVER REVIEW

No One Lives Forever rocks! 'NUFF SAID!!!

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RUNE REVIEW REBUTTAL

Election 2000 is almost over, and once again neither candidate appears
interested in protecting my right to bear arms against fetuses.  How long will
it be before some jackbooted unborn lunatic decides to try to tax my tea and,
thanks to big government, I'm left with no legal recourse?  I predict eight
months.  Sure scientists will tell you that there's always the partial birth
abortion.  That's a good plan, if I was a scientist.  Dear Nobel Prize Patrol, I
can't even get the Blair Witch 2 demo to install right.  How the hell am I
supposed to perform a partial birth abortion, for chrissake?  I say you eggheads
keep yakkin'.  Me and Ms. Colt 44 Hollow Point Ornate Nickel-Plated Derringer
prefer the working man's Full Magnum Abortion.   Adding to all the political
uncertainty, Chet has written a scathing rebuttal of my Rune review.  Great.  
Just fucking great.

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HOW TO GET RICH QUICK - PART 2

Bad Candy Mark buys us a Playstation 2 so that we can sell it for ten times what
it's worth on eBay, and LightsOut Entertainment is there to capture it all on
digital video.  Not since Triumph of the Will has such questionable behavior
been so artfully presented. Click here or here for all the details.

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RUNE REVIEW

After our brief summer/fall hiatus, we're back on track with more of our
patent-application-filling-out-pending long reviews.  First up, Rune.  While
you're probably not surprised that Erik doesn't like it, you might be surprised
by the fact that Erik doesn't like it!  If you're so jaded that you're not even
surprised by bolding, you're just the kind of person we're trying to reach with
the Rune review.

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HOW TO GET RICH QUICK - PART 1

Just because we're not as big as Something Awful doesn't mean our financial woes
are any less severe.  With Chet gone on business, Erik has decided to
single-handedly solve all of our money problems.  And he's convinced Bad Candy
Mark to help him.  Read all about it.  Stay tuned all week as we report on our
progress.  A lucky reader may even win ONE MILLION DOLLARS, though not as a
result of anything having to do with this article, Old Man Murray or UGO. 
Please note that the article contains never before seen word sequences mocking
Daily Radar's Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask review.  Click on this dollar sign
to continue: $

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OMM VS. THE SECRET SERVICE

The amazing true story of Earth vs. The United States Secret Service! 
Representing Earth: Erik, Seanbaby, and, for a few minutes, Chet.  What's the
"secret" the U.S. Secret Service pledge their lives to protect?  It turns out,
there isn't one.  Their name just makes it sound like there is.  However, we did
learn that special agents make even specialer... friends.  And you know what? 
Maybe that's the secret.  Because no matter what the lady who answers the phone
at the Secret Service says, I'm still pretty sure there's a secret.  Click to
confirm you do not want to harm the President.

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DEATH OF ADVENTURE GAMES

Adventure games have been dying for fifteen years.  According to an article at
Gamecenter, they're now completely deceased.  We spent two weeks poking the
corpse with straws to make sure it really was dead before filing this report on
who killed adventure games.  Note to the United States Secret Service:  We said
Adventure Games.

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