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I MASTURBATED ON THE TRAIN, AND IT WAS ACTUALLY? PRETTY CHILL. MY STORY
* Post author By Frank Mason
* Post date January 19, 2024
* No Comments on I masturbated on the train, and it was actually? Pretty chill.
My story
NYC SUBWAY CARS VOTED #1 BY INTERNET CHRONICLE FOR BEST PUBLIC PLACE TO JERK OFF
IN
I jerked off in a crowded subway car. This is my story.
NEW YORK—Hello guys! WHAT is up, it’s your boi Old Brutus coming at you MOST
relaxed today, and first off – I want to say – I was not paid to produce the
following review. I wrote this material of my own accord after taking advice
from a trusted vagrant, who you’ll read about below, and I owe my renewed
outlook and sense of chill directly to this kind, generous man and those words
of wisdom he so graciously imparted to me.
I want to share his message, and my story, with you all here on this most sacred
of platforms, the Internet Chronicle.
SO YEAH. I JERKED OFF IN THE SUBWAY.
HERE’S HOW IT WENT DOWN:
I had a real bad day at work. They don’t even know who I am out there! Next to
me was an old homeless man, and he leaned in, he could see I was down on my
luck, he was that kind of perceptive, spiritual hobo, you understand?
He leaned in, to me real close, and he said, “Tough day?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I briefly glanced at his face.
“Yeah,” I said. “Fucking miserable cunts don’t appreciate me.”
Ol feller leaned in again. Even closer, and he said, “Want to know what helps
me?”
Feeling like I was fresh out of options, and half-curious to hear what he had to
say, I said what?
He said, “Putting one hand tween my legs, and grabbing hold the root of my cock,
you see? Like this…” He reached into his sagging military fatigues, and grabbed.
“Then with your other hand, you just start cranking your hog, see? Right here on
this train car!”
“Right here?” I asked. “In front of all these people?”
That’s right, he said, here on the 7 train. Told me to look them in the eye as I
go.
I said, “Well, old timer, me being a young stripe such as I am, I guess I’m
willing to try anything once, and while the day is still young, too.” So, in the
spirit of good journalism, and with old wisdom in hand, I walked between train
cars through the emergency door, and I set out for a fresh start. Not that it
matters, but I went backward, in the opposite direction we were going. Lights
and graffiti shot by as my ears popped, and I felt like the Space Baby.
The next door opened into a full car, standing room only. That old fear
returned, that it was going to be another one of “those” rides, again. That was
when it occurred to me: the sheer, absolute power of what I am about to do. For
the Lord knew, this was no typical commute.
IF YOU’RE STANDING UP RIGHT NOW, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SIT DOWN FOR THIS NEXT PART.
I unbuttoned the top button of my slacks, releasing the next button, as well as
the two inner steel hooks of my smart brown work pants. Then I reached my skinny
wrist into my pleated tech support khakis, and I just started working that shit.
Immediately, everyone around me got up to move, and get away. With the benches
empty, I took a seat and – yes – you could say that by now, I was really
manspreading.
People were disgusted. A horrified woman shot cellphone footage, which was seen
last night around the world. So did a man. Also a man. There was actually
another man filming, too, as I recall. As it turns out, there were a lot of men
filming me.
So, long story short: Jerking off on the MTA sorted me right out! I rolled over
and busted a fat nut in the corner as people insulted, stared, marveled and even
dared to criticize. But in that moment, you really just don’t care. For one
brief moment, I was truly free.
The rest of the ride was comfortable and went by without incident.
On my Spotify:
Cherry Poppin Stepdaddies
Longmont Emotion Hassle
cmon ride the train remix by hatesec
> trainremix
“I understand you jerked off on a public train this morning, is that true?”
—Johnny Carson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Categories
News
EXPERTS WARN THAT HOPES FOR A BETTER YEAR IN 2024 ARE MISPLACED
* Post author By Kilgoar
* Post date December 26, 2023
* 2 Comments on Experts warn that hopes for a better year in 2024 are misplaced
Don't listen to what I say. Only how I say it. That's called credibility.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour
Folks across the nation are breathing in the clean, natural air of hopeful
optimism with the COVID-19 pandemic now reduced to the status of the flu or the
common cold. Herd immunity has finally kicked in, and Americans are again
feeling cautiously safe and optimistic about the future.
“I’m optimistic that 2024 will be better than the past few years,” Benny Johnson
told reporters. “It just has to be, right? It can’t get worse than this.”
However, most analysts strongly disagree with this new positive attitude. The
consensus among trendcasters is that centuries of decline for human civilization
are ahead, with no possible course correction.
“The conflict in Ukraine is continuing and even showing signs of intensifying.
Meanwhile, the violent expulsion of Palestinians from Gaza by the Israeli
military has widened into a conflict that has costly implications for global
shipping routes,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Future Institute told
reporters. “The desperate financial optimism for computing businesses represents
a dire overvaluation of an industry which is beginning to show signs of strain,
with record layoffs for software companies in 2023. It’s only a matter of time
before we see some major players go under. Another dotcom bust is on the bingo
card for next year, and the second great depression to follow will ignite powder
kegs on every continent.”
Dr. Troubador growled, like an animal, inspiring pangs of fear in the terrorized
press corp assembled outside Lebal Drocer, Inc. “Among the most over-optimistic
of all people are climate protestors who believe that there is any possible way
to slow or undo changing weather patterns that are increasingly deadly to human
life. The truth is that without the ever growing emissions there’s just no way
to currently support the ever increasing population. By 2070, I predict there
will be mosquitoes the size of pickup trucks, capable of sucking people dry
through the spacesuits they’ll need to survive outdoors.” Troubador twisted the
rhetorical knife with a grim half smile, adding, “Snake oil sales, however, are
through the roof. Remember folks, TerrorMax is the one and only FDA-free drug
manufactured, packaged, and shipped by drone from international waters that also
fully treats the terror of historic forces beyond your control. Take TerrorMax
now. Don’t settle for that ol’ wives’ tale that booze and dope is enough when
you have thousands of dial-a-yield doomsday weapons in the death grips of
absolute madmen. Take matters into your own hands.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Categories
News
YOUTUBE MINECRAFT LEGEND DREAM DEAD AT 24
* Post author By Kilgoar
* Post date November 26, 2023
* 2 Comments on YouTube Minecraft legend Dream dead at 24
Fans mourn the loss of Clay Huff, better known as Dream
ORLANDO — Fans mourn the loss of Clayton Huff, better known as the Minecraft
YouTuber Dream, after friends found him dead in his apartment from an apparent
overdose.
Orlando police chief Clint Saunders told reporters, “Mr. Huff died suddenly and
tragically. Our investigation revealed a toxic concentration of fentanyl in his
bloodstream and we have not yet ruled out foul play. However, we are also
investigating Mr. Huff over sexual complaints from many young women and girls in
the area.”
Dream’s death was immediately sullied by fellow content creators, looking to
cash in on the millions of potential views in rushing to be the first to deliver
the grim news.
“Dream still had his mask on, slouched over his keyboard with several instances
of Minecraft running. He passes out like this all the time, but when he didn’t
move for a while I tried to help him and he was colder than a crisp, energizing
bottle of G-Fuel,” Sapnap told his fans, taking a long swig of the cool drink
just moments before calling in the YouTuber’s death to emergency services.
Police are looking into the possibility of foul play, after a fury of questions
raised by fans who were suspicious of the live-streamed death announcement.
“I mean I get it, anything can be content. When Dream cheated a little bit in
Minecraft, well at least he was making money. But starting up a stream before
calling the cops? It’s either suspicious or depraved, I’m not sure which,” said
Nancy Howard, mother of little Jeremy Howard, who only calms down when she puts
on YouTube. “I don’t like the example they’re setting for my boy.”
Sapnap further angered friends and family of Dream by reading out an alleged
suicide note, directed at haters. This video went viral when xQc, known for his
famous worm-like reactions, live streamed himself crawling around on the carpet
of his apartment and moaning triumphantly as Sapnap read out the suicide note,
“Soon, everyone on Earth will know who I am and my death will be BURNED into
their memories. Finally my album will get the radio play it deserves, and none
of the trolls can send me to prison with their false accusations. I WIN. THE
END.”
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