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* The Onion * * The A.V. Club * Deadspin * Gizmodo * Jalopnik * Jezebel * Kotaku * Quartz * The Root * The Takeout * * The Inventory America's Finest News Source. ShopSubscribe HomeLatestNewsOpinionLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsVideo America's Finest News Source. HomeLatestNewsOpinionLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsVideo Entertainment CHIEFS FANS TRY TO NAME A SINGLE TAYLOR SWIFT SONG With the relationship between the pop star and all-pro tight end continuing to dominate the news cycle for some reason, The Onion asked Chiefs fans to name a single Taylor Swift song, and this is what they said. Breaking News PENTAGON ACCUSES CHINA OF BEING CHINESE Breaking News STUDY FINDS CHARISMATIC AMERICANS EXPERIENCING FRIENDSHIP EPIDEMIC NEW YORK—A new study published Wednesday by researchers at Columbia University found that charismatic Americans are experiencing a friendship epidemic. “The data shows that captivating and social people have started acquiring an alarming number of… Breaking News TOYOTA UNVEILS NEW BITTER COATING TO PREVENT CHILDREN FROM SWALLOWING CARS TOYOTA, JAPAN—Noting that the colorful, shiny vehicles are far more toxic than they appear, Toyota officials announced Wednesday that the company has created a new bitter coating to prevent children from swallowing cars. “Thanks to this … Breaking News INCREASINGLY POWERFUL TRANS PERSON CAPABLE OF USING EVERY SINGLE BATHROOM AT ONCE EVERYWHERE—As the influence of the nation’s transgender individuals continues to encroach on the freedoms of the U.S. populace, sources confirmed Tuesday that increasingly powerful trans person Tori Randall is now capable of using every single… Politics TROLLS EXPLAIN WHY THEY LOVE MATT GAETZ Local MOM GIVES GRAND TOUR OF SNACKS IN PANTRY TO 37-YEAR-OLD SON BACK FOR WEEKEND Breaking News ‘NEW YORK TIMES’ ISSUES APOLOGY FOR REPORTING PALESTINIAN DEATHS WATCH Congressman Interrupts General’s Testimony To Just Reiterate He Loves War CC Share Subtitles * Off * English Share this Video FacebookTwitterEmail RedditLink Congressman Interrupts General’s Testimony To Just Reiterate He Loves War Alphas Explain Why They Love Joe Rogan 00:28 Now playing FDA Warns Tying Penis Into Knot Only Prevents 73% Of Pregnancies 00:43 Now playing Ron DeSantis Announces He Will Live As Slave For One Year To Prove It Not Bad 00:33 Now playing Texas Launches Outreach Program To Provide Troubled Teens With Assault Rifles 00:35 Now playing CHECK THESE OUT News In Photos CONSERVATIVE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES GET MATCHING PUNISHER TATTOOS News In Photos FLOSS DRAPED AROUND TOP OF BATHROOM TRASH BIN LIKE TINSEL American Voices TRUMP ALLEGEDLY REVEALED SUBMARINE SECRETS TO AUSTRALIAN BUSINESSMAN News In Photos PUMPKIN MAKES A ROLL FOR IT News In Photos $899 SEEMS LIKE A LOT, SALESMAN ACKNOWLEDGES Cartoons UNSOUND SYSTEM MORE Breaking News CONSERVATIVES EXPLAIN WHY THE U.S. SHOULD INVADE MEXICO Local MAN FEELS LIKE BYSTANDERS ARE ARGUING FOR HIM TO PUT GUN DOWN IN BAD FAITH Local SEX MOVES YOU SHOULD NEVER TRY TO COPY FROM PORN Local VISITING FRIEND PLEASANTLY SURPRISED BY CITY’S OPEN HOSTILITY TOWARD HOMELESS PEOPLE LOCAL Show all Local DELTA AGENT CALLS FOR DIPSHIT PASSENGERS TO MILL ABOUT IN FRONT OF GATE BEFORE THEIR TURN TO BOARD CHICAGO—Speaking over the terminal’s intercom in preparation for an evening flight to Boston, Delta Air Lines agent Sarah Epstein reportedly called Monday for all dipshit passengers to stand up and mill around in front of the gate before their turn… Local CHICAGO APPROVES BUILDING PERMIT TO CONVERT AFFORDABLE HOUSING TOWER INTO SINGLE-FAMILY HOME Local CONFUSING HAUNTED MAZE FAILS TO EXPLAIN NARRATIVELY WHY SOMEONE WOULD JUMP OUT FROM CORNER SCREAMING Local BLACK CONSERVATIVE ARGUES TRANSATLANTIC SLAVE TRADE WAS RESULT OF FATHERLESSNESS IN BLACK COMMUNITY Local NEW CLINIC PROVIDES DRUG USERS WITH FREE SCOLDING POLITICS Show all Politics HOUSE ELECTS KEVIN MCCARTHY’S 8TH-GRADE BULLY AS SPEAKER WASHINGTON—Awarding him the position solely on the basis of his proven ability to torment his predecessor, the U.S. House of Representatives elected Kevin McCarthy’s eighth-grade bully Todd Jenkins as its new speaker in a landslide vote Thursday.… Politics PROS AND CONS OF KEEPING SENILE POLITICIANS IN OFFICE Breaking News SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN, TRAILBLAZER IN BEING OLD, DEAD AT 90 Politics FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES THEY’VE HIDDEN BRIEFCASE FULL OF SLAVERY REPARATIONS SOMEWHERE IN CONTINENTAL U.S. Politics REPORT: GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN COULD IMPERIL HUNDREDS OF AMERICANS CURRENTLY AT TOP OF FEDERALLY FUNDED FERRIS WHEELS IN CASE YOU MISSED IT Breaking News SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCE THAT UNEXPLORED PARTS OF OCEAN PROBABLY CONTAIN MORE WATER Breaking News GRETA THUNBERG EMBRACES BIG OIL AFTER VISITING REALLY NICE HIGHWAY TRUCK STOP Breaking News COMMANDER BIDEN GNAWS WASHINGTON MONUMENT DOWN TO SLOBBER-COVERED STUB Breaking News EFFECTS OF FUTURE CLIMATE CHANGE MIGRATION OPINION Show all Opinion WOMEN EXPLAIN WHY THEY WANT TO HAVE ELON MUSK’S BABIES Opinion SMALL GROUP OF PARENTS EXPLAINS WHY THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR 60% OF BOOK BANS Opinion CHIEFS FANS REACT TO TRAVIS KELCE DATING TAYLOR SWIFT American Voices TSA REMINDS TRAVELERS NOT TO PUT PETS THROUGH AIRPORT X-RAYS ENTERTAINMENT Show all Entertainment CHIEFS FANS TRY TO NAME A SINGLE TAYLOR SWIFT SONG Entertainment MEMBERS OF TAYLOR SWIFT’S SQUAD EXPLAIN WHAT THEY THINK OF TRAVIS KELCE Entertainment JARED LETO ASKS IF HE EVER GOING TO GET INTO REAL TROUBLE FOR THAT STUFF HE’S BEEN DOING Entertainment CELEBRITIES REACT TO THEIR RATINGS ON WIKIFEET Football NFL PLAYERS SUSPENDED FOR VIOLATING DRAFTKINGS TERMS OF USE Basketball FREE AGENT KYRIE IRVING EXCITED TO ALIENATE ALL POTENTIAL OPTIONS Hockey VEGAS-AREA PAWN SHOP CELEBRATES BEING 6 WEEKS AWAY FROM OWNING STANLEY CUP Football TYREEK HILL SURPRISED TO DISCOVER ASSAULT ILLEGAL IN FLORIDA word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word 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