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DIARY OF A LEATHERMAN

The everyday life of a Leather Sir, chronicling his journey in D/s Leather
relationships and lifestyle.





TUESDAY, JUNE 5, 2018


HIBERNATION.


It has been over a year since my last post here.

In some ways, not much has happened.  In other ways, too much has happened.

I don't wish to go into details.

I will say that I am tired, and I no longer find joy in the BDSM, Kink or
Leather scene.

I still find much joy in my D/s relationship with my boy, and in play with him
and others.  But the community... does not bring me joy at this point in my
life.

So I am hibernating.

It doesn't appear to be uncommon to drop out of the scene for a few years.  Most
kinky/Leather folks I know have had a period of their lives where they've
dropped out and gone to live quietly in the suburbs for a while.  So I suppose
this is just my moment to experience that.

I'll be back, of course I will.  This is a part of me.

But for now, I need some space.

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MONDAY, JANUARY 9, 2017


IDENTITY QUESTIONS


I've been going through some rough things in life at the moment, and I've found
myself questioning my identities as a Leather man, as a Daddy, as a dominant.

Not questioning as in "am I really this" - I definitely am these things, that's
not the question.

Questioning as in "what do these things mean to me, especially when I am unable
to act on these identities in the ways to which I am accustomed".

I am unable to attend events right now.  I am unable to play much (at all) right
now.  I am unable to do all the fun little kink daily things that usually get us
through times like this - there's no small rituals taking place, for example.

What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy when you're not really able to play, to
lead, to be involved in the community?  What does it mean to be a Leather Daddy
when your boy is more needed as your equal partner in your life and its troubles
right now than as your submissive?

I was really feeling very down about these questions for a while - struggling
very much.  Can I still call myself a Leather Daddy when going through times
like these?  What does it even mean to be that - if I am not playing, if I am
not commanding, if I am not making most of the decisions alone?

Then a couple of things happened that began to shed some light.

The first thing was that I took a step back and tried to look at my relationship
through the eyes of a vanilla person.  I realized that I am still the one
driving the relationship.  I am the one that identifies issues, makes plans,
makes decisions.  Even for joint decisions, where we discuss and decide things
together, I am still the one that identifies the choice and our options.

I can tell him to jump and he will be halfway into the air before I have even
had time to have a crisis over whether we are "really" in a D/s relationship.  
Many of the things I "ask" him to do are not genuine requests, they are orders
cloaked in politeness.  When I ask "could you bring me a drink, please?" I am
not asking.  I am telling.  And I know this because if he refused (without just
reason), I would be surprised and alarmed - it would be a catalyst for a serious
sit down discussion about the health of our relationship.  Whereas any other
person, the same refusal would cause me no issue at all, I would just nod and
get up and get my own damn drink.

I structure his entire day.  When he gets home from work I decide when we have
dinner, even if we discuss what we're having together (even D/s relationships
are not immune to do the occasional "no but what do YOU want" game, it seems).
 I tell him when to do dishes, when to change the kitty litter, when to work on
his VicLeather work.   I manage a large part of his calendar, I make sure he
remembers to call his family members, I plan our dates, I double check his
appointments, I make sure he is organized for anything he is planning to do.

I realized, stepping back and looking at all this - we haven't fallen into a
vanilla relationship, we've just become so accustomed to our D/s dynamic that it
has become invisible to me.

This is something I know happens often in long term D/s relationships.  It
becomes comfortable, and it doesn't feel exciting and kinky any more.  It's just
life.  Sometimes you can add more things on to make it exciting again - but in a
case like mine, where that's not an option right now, sometimes you just need to
sit back and look it over, and realize, oh, no, actually, there's not much
vanilla about this at all really.

The second thing that happened was my boy received some very kind compliments
from a few people, specifically about his reliability, his dedication, his
attention to detail and his ability to see things through to completion.

This was a surprise to him, because he does not think of those things as his
strengths - quite the opposite, he considers himself to be relatively weak in
these areas.  And, true enough, I was particularly pleased for him to receive
these compliments because he has struggled with these things, and it has been an
ongoing task to train him into better habits and better awareness.  And, to be
honest, we still have a ways to go before I would consider him to be ideally
where I would like him, in these areas.

However.  I have particularly high standards.  I forget this sometimes, because
I'm a pretty relaxed and laid back person - I am careful not to sweat the small
stuff, and am very happy to make whatever compromises are required to get what I
need out of a submissive in a way that is both effective and lasting.  I also am
less concerned with high protocol training or specific tasks and rituals than I
am with overall lifestyle changes and internal mental and emotional
improvements.

So, I think of myself as not having particularly strenuous standards.  However
that is simply not the case - I have passed on many relationships because there
was a gap between what someone was capable of and what I require.  I have had
relationships end because of a gap between what someone was capable of and what
I require.

My standards are fairly narrow - I am mostly concerned with willingness and
reliability, for example - if a submissive is willing to work with me to find
compatible ways to improve on things I want them to improve on, and if they
consistently do so, then that is actually a good 80% of my relationship needs
met from them.

However, narrow standards are not low standards.  If there is anything less than
a complete willingness to try, a reliability that they will do what they are
told, a willingness to compromise and find the right ways for us to work, a
commitment to being consistent in their submission to me, and the ability to be
honest about their abilities, their desires and their dedication... then it will
not work out.

So, anyway - what does all that have to do with my questioning?  Well, I
realized that while we may not be playing right now, and we may not have
protocols, we may not be attending many events - that does not mean that I am
not still shaping and leading my boy.

Upon receiving this type of praise, my boy almost entirely gives credit for his
behaviour to me.  I did not ask him to do that.  I never have - and in fact I do
not particularly think of it that way.  He is the one that has improved.

But from his perspective, I am the reason he has improved.  I am the one that
has demanded his standard of behaviour, I am the one that has worked with him to
find ways for him to improve that create lasting change with his personality and
lifestyle.  In his eyes, my leadership is a large part of what makes him who he
is today, and what is shaping his future.

What is that influence, if not that of his Daddy?




Posted by Erinkyan at 12:45 PM 1 comment:
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household, life, power, queer, relationships



SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2016


GESTATING


Apparently the last time I posted here was in June.  It's now October.  That's a
hell of a long wait.  Sorry about that.

I'm not really sure how to write about what I want to write about today.  (It's
positive, so don't worry, if you're an anxious person!)  It's something I'm
still in the process of going through, but it's also something I don't really
know how to describe.

To put it a little strangely, I feel like I am gestating in preparation for a
rebirth.

I entered the kink scene the moment I turned 18.  I'm now 31 - so that's 13
years that have passed between then and now.  And particularly noteworthy in
those years has been the last two or three years, where I have been somewhat
absent from the scene due to a whole bunch of reasons.  And now I am slowly
returning - not at full strength, just gently.  And oh - when I have returned,
the incredible joy I feel about being with my people again is intense and
wonderful.  But something is still not sitting quite right.

Things change.  People change.  13 years is a long time, and in particular,
people always change a lot from their late teens until their 30s.  There is also
a particular comic (this one, here) that I find particularly relevant to times
like this, although right now I am thinking about it less in terms of "being
great at something" and more just in terms of the cycles and periods of our
lives that we go through.

I am at a stage, kink and Leather wise as well as generally life wise, where I
feel that I am closing one chapter and moving to the next one.  I can't...
really put a label on what those chapters are.  I don't feel, for example, that
I am changing radically in my interests, nor am I switching or flipping from D
to s, or anything like that.  So that also makes this hard to write about - I
don't have a clear cut way to express this change.  It is entirely an internal
change, one mostly of feeling.

But I feel different.  I feel like I am leaving one life behind and a new one is
starting.  There's no trigger for this specifically; no relationship change (my
dear boy and I are as happy together as ever), no interest shift, nothing like
that.

But this is a transitional time.  I just can't fully express what I am
transitioning between.

The other day, I tied up my boy at home.  It felt odd.  The rope didn't feel
right.  The energy wasn't right.  That rope belonged in my old life, it doesn't
quite fit in the new one.  To get a little spiritual, the rope knows that it's
time with me has passed.  It is not the right rope any more.  The energy is all
wrong.

I've been meaning to replace my rope kit anyway, and now, having had this
experience - I know that it's not just a preference; I need to replace my rope
kit if I want to continue tying.  Because I need the right rope, with the right
energy, and the rope I have had for so many years is no longer the right rope.
 It has served me so well, it has been so dearly loved, and it will continue to
hold a place of honour and love in my belongings - there's no way I could give
it away or anything like that.  But its time as an extension of me has passed,
and it is time to move on.

What a strange thing to feel, over a bunch of twisted fibers.  And yet here we
are.

And it's not just the rope - I am going through my own emotional struggles at
the moment, well, I call them struggles but perhaps it is more accurate to call
them journeys, as wanky as that sounds.  I am trying to heal a tremendous amount
of trauma, and to figure out who and what I am once those traumas will no longer
hold me.  This is a transition.  Old ways of coping, old ways of feeling,
thinking, living, are no longer right.  They were not wrong before - they kept
me alive, they kept me as well as I could be.  But they are no longer serving me
and it is time to grow beyond them.

I say I feel like I am gestating because I don't feel like I am going through
the actual rebirth yet.  I am still in the process.  I am still in the middle of
it all.  I don't feel like I am being reborn - I feel that I'm preparing to be
reborn.

I don't really know how to end this post.  I don't have answers yet, I'm still
finding them.

But I feel optimistic overall, I think.  Whatever I am growing into, I look
forward to it.  I look forward to healing, and whatever awaits me both when I
get there, and the path along the way.

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spirituality



SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 2016


HERE WE GO AGAIN


Wellp, serina broke up with me.  Again.

It's not a bad breakup.  It's a really good one actually; we're remaining
friends and there's no hard feelings (well, beyond a little smarting I'm having
today, but that's normal).  I am sad about it, of course I am.  But her reasons
were sound, even if somewhat hilarious in a hurtful way.

I'm not want to blab details all over the internet but the short version is that
I am not really the type of dom she thinks she needs.  She needs someone
domineering and harsh and chaotic, and I'm not that.  I'm polite and gentle and
stable.  She also feels she needs more experience with other types and people to
figure out better what she needs.

All very sensible.  And I really, really do wish her the best.

Still sucks though.

I think that's all I'm going to write about it.  I have a bit more wound-licking
to do and I just... I don't know.  There's not much else to say about it.  Break
ups are not enjoyable, even the good ones.

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THURSDAY, MAY 5, 2016


RECONNECTING


The past two years have been tough.  I've written about them here somewhat.
 What I haven't written about is some personal struggles I've been going through
in regards to trust and intimacy and sex.  I haven't written about them because
they're too personal, and I'm not about to start writing about them in detail
now, either, so sorry about that.  But they need brief mention for context.

I've written about trying to get back into the swing of things.  And I am,
slowly.  Too slowly.  I don't feel I am ... I'm not sure the right phrasing.
 Living up to my potential is a bit too serious for what I mean, but something
along those lines.  It's not so much that I'm not trying hard enough, more just
that... maybe I'm not giving it the priority it requires.

Okay, so maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

Or, no.  Maybe I'm just not trying the right tactics.

I've been very... serious with it all.  I've been working hard at it.  And maybe
I need to work a little less and enjoy a bit more.

I've been putting so much energy into trying to do things seriously and take
things seriously and work hard and try hard and... it's exhausting.  And I think
I lost sight of the fun of it all, somewhere along the way.

I realized this as I saw a hashtag on tumblr.  #52weeksofkink

It's basically a tag that some kinksters are using to discuss a different kink
on their blogs each week.  But when I first saw it, in my mind I saw: "52 weeks
of doing some small fun kinky thing each week".

And I felt such desire.

What if I took the pressure off a bit and simmered things down?  What if instead
of everything I do being Meaningful and Another Huge Step in Working Things Out,
I just... had some fun, too?

I haven't spoken to boy about this yet but I'm going to bring it up with him
perhaps tonight.  What if we wrote a list of little kink activities, and did one
each week?  Each week something different.  No big commitments, not even to a
full scene perhaps.  Just something little.  Each week.  One tiny thing, one
little step towards reconnecting with myself and with kink and with pleasure.

That feels a little like hope.

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WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30, 2016


LIMITED


I really hate being limited.

I am disabled, chronically ill.  I'm on the more severe side of it.  I spend
most of my time on bedrest.  My computer is set up over the bed so that I don't
lose my mind with boredom.

In general life terms, this doesn't bother me particularly much.  I keep myself
occupied with projects and entertainment.

In kink, sex and relationship terms however.  Hoo boy.  It pisses me off.

It's not just as simple as "I'm not well enough to play as much as I'd like".  I
mean, obviously that's a thing, too.  But at the moment I find myself with a new
and frustratingly annoying issue.

I feel like I have no space to explore, right now.

I feel like whatever energy or time or health I might have, I need to aim it
directly at the two partners I already have.  My effort is such a precious
resource that I feel like if I even think about spending it outside of my
current relationships, then I am failing them.

But my drive is coming back and with that I find I want to explore, I want to
play, I want to have fun.  I saw a cute boy on fetlife the other day looking for
a Daddy to cuddle with, and I thought, hmm, that sounds really nice.  But I
didn't message him, because I felt wrong about it.  If I have the energy to
think about hugging on the couch watching netflix, shouldn't I be doing that
with a partner I already have?  But then I feel oddly restricted, like I don't
have the feedom to do what I like, which is hardly the sort of feeling one wants
to have in D/s poly relationships, hah.

It is worth noting, by the way, that neither of my partners have implied any of
this.  This is 100% in my own damn head.

But as irrational as it sounds, it's also not really 100% wrong, either.
 Relationships require attention to thrive.  If my attention is limited, I need
to channel it efficiently.

I'm not really sure what the answer is, here.  I suppose it requires some more
thought, and probably some discussion with my partners.

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SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2016


RETURN


After too long away, I'm finally stepping back into the local scene.

I find myself remembering, viscerally, how much I felt at home in the scene.
 When I sort of took a break from it it wasn't a voluntary thing; my health went
bad and my mother died and I just did not have the time to think about kink.
 But now my life is stabilizing again, and I find myself able to get back into
it - and it's all rushing back like a flood.

Last night I finally got out to an event that's been running for a year and I
hadn't gotten to yet.  It's run by some beautiful people I'm already somewhat
familiar with, and when I got there I was greeted so warmly by so many people.
 Eyes widened and smiles broke out, and "I haven't seen you in too long!" was a
common phrase.

Never have I felt so at home.

I love kink.  I love Leather.  And I love the kink and Leather communities.  I
love that even though I've been gone for quite some time (almost two years I
think?) I was welcomed back in so quickly and so easily.  It was a familial
reunion.  So many beautiful people with their beautiful hearts, embracing
themselves and each other.  So much love for ourselves and our people.

I'm waxing a little poetic, I know, but that's honestly because it's a poetic
thing.  To feel at home is something all humans strive for; we all want to
belong, we all want to be beloved.  To feel that is always an extremely powerful
thing.

It's good to be back.

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SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2015


SHOW YOURSELF TO ME, XAN WEST'S NEW ANTHOLOGY


This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

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SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2015


GETTING BACK INTO THE SWING OF THINGS


Not long after when serina and I broke up in 2013, I experienced a relapse with
my chronic illness.

Those two things combined in a way that meant I wasn't able to get out to kink
events much any more (something that was extremely difficult to handle as I'd
been a regular on the scene since I came out at 18), and also that I was feeling
very heart-sore about D/s relationships.

Boy and I began our relationship back in 2007 as vanilla lovers, and that means
that for us, that is always beneath the D/s.  It's always an interesting
balancing act, and not something I'd ever particularly want to try balancing
again with future relationships I imagine (but who knows what the future will
bring), but it does certainly have its benefits.

One of those benefits was that during this time, I didn't need him to be my boy.
 I needed him to be my partner.

Oh, we were still D/s.  Neither of us are very good at vanilla relationships.
 D/s is natural for us.  But a lot of the extra bits - the protocols, the play,
etc - got stripped away for a while.

Then life kept doing that thing life does, and I went through a few crises.
 Then we thought it was settling, and as we settled into our new apartment back
in the city, I mentioned to him several times that I was feeling the drive come
back, and that I imagined more kinky fuckery was in our future.

Then... shit hit the fan with my mother, and serina got back in touch around the
same time, and everything was just stressful and exhausting.  And I was doing my
best.  I was.  I am.  But I'm not superhuman.

But now, now things genuinely seem to be settling again.  There is space again.
 And that means I can start thinking about the fun frills and ruffles of kink,
rather than just feeling like my relationships are all just holding steady until
I can breathe again.

I'm still not 100% again yet, but I feel like there at least the breathing room
to get there.  I am feeling the stir of the enjoyment of D/s and kink, rather
than it simply being a default structure for my relationships.

In a way I feel like I am starting all over again.  And that's actually a rather
nice feeling - no one knows the joys and thrills of kink and D/s like fresh new
people do, and if I can recapture some of that feeling, I am certain the coming
times will be enriching and enjoyable.

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WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2015


EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING SO MUCH.


Long time no blog, once again.  Only this time, I do have things to talk about,
because fucking hell my life kind of exploded.

My mother died.  It's been... incredibly difficult.  I was very close with my
mother, I loved her very much.  Her death was entirely unexpected; it happened
very suddenly.  She went from completely fine to dead in less than two weeks.
 On the bright side, I did manage to get up to the country to see her for the
last five days of her life, and I am endlessly glad of that.

More relevant to this blog, serina got back in touch with me, and, well, we are
back together.

It was serendipitous.  I had made a post on my personal tumblr blog that I was
missing her and that even though it had been so long since we broke up, I was
still sad about it, and I still missed her, and a part of me was still hoping
we'd get back together one day, even though I knew intellectually that wasn't
going to happen.

Well joke's on my brain, I suppose.  Because she decided to a little bit of
making herself sad by looking at her ex's online presence, and she saw that
post.  She then sent me an email saying she felt the same way.

So, long story short, we are trying again.  I am far too tired from.. well,
everything, to go into massive amounts of detail here.  Perhaps I will another
time.

For now, we are starting fresh.  We are taking things slowly, because I am still
dealing with my mother's death and don't have an endless supply of energy.

I am optimistic about the future.  I am also very, very tired, heh.

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