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In The Atlantic’s January/February 2024 special issue, 24 writers imagine what a
second Trump term would look like.

Family


THE PLIGHT OF THE ELDEST DAUGHTER

Women are expected to be nurturers. Firstborns are expected to be exemplars.
Being both is exhausting.

By Sarah Sloat

Harry Gruyaert / Magnum
November 14, 2023
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Sign up for it here.

Being an eldest daughter means frequently feeling like you’re not doing enough,
like you’re struggling to maintain a veneer of control, like the entire
household relies on your diligence.

At least, that’s what a contingent of oldest sisters has been saying online.
Across social-media platforms, they’ve described the stress of feeling
accountable for their family’s happiness, the pressure to succeed, and the
impression that they aren’t being cared for in the way they care for others.
Some are still teens; others have grown up and left home but still feel
over-involved and overextended. As one viral tweet put it, “are u happy or are u
the oldest sibling and also a girl”? People have even coined a term for this:
“eldest-daughter syndrome.”



That “syndrome” does speak to a real social phenomenon, Yang Hu, a professor of
global sociology at Lancaster University, in England, told me. In many cultures,
oldest siblings as well as daughters of all ages tend to face high expectations
from family members—so people playing both parts are especially likely to take
on a large share of household responsibilities, and might deal with more stress
as a result. But that caregiving tendency isn’t an inevitable quality of eldest
daughters; rather, researchers told me, it tends to be imposed by family members
who are part of a society that presumes eldest daughters should act a certain
way. And the online outpour of grievances reveals how frustratingly inflexible
assumptions about family roles can be.

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