www.washingtonpost.com
Open in
urlscan Pro
184.28.207.181
Public Scan
URL:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2024/09/23/carolyn-hax-sibling-caregiver-fatigue/?utm_campaign=wp_post_most&utm_medium=em...
Submission: On September 23 via api from BE — Scanned from US
Submission: On September 23 via api from BE — Scanned from US
Form analysis 1 forms found in the DOM
<form class="wpds-c-gRPFSl wpds-c-gRPFSl-jGNYrR-isSlim-false">
<div class="transition-all duration-200 ease-in-out"><button type="submit" data-qa="sc-newsletter-signup-button" class="wpds-c-kSOqLF wpds-c-kSOqLF-uTUwn-variant-primary wpds-c-kSOqLF-eHdizY-density-default wpds-c-kSOqLF-ejCoEP-icon-left">Sign
up</button></div>
</form>Text Content
Accessibility statementSkip to main content Democracy Dies in Darkness SubscribeSign in Democracy Dies in Darkness adviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice adviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice CAROLYN HAX: BURNED-OUT SIBLING DREADS BECOMING CAREGIVER AGAIN BY DEFAULT A letter writer has caregiver fatigue and a beloved older sister in decline — and “if this falls on me, I will break.” 3 min 726 (Illustration by Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post) Column by Carolyn Hax September 23, 2024 at 12:00 a.m. EDT Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I feel awful even posing this question to anonymous strangers. The gist is that I don’t want to end up caring for my aging sister. She is single and 17 years older than I am. I love her and am pretty close to her, and I’ve just begun to see small signs that her physical and mental health are declining. I care for so many people, I just feel that if this falls on me, I will break. Subscribe for unlimited access to The Post You can cancel anytime. Subscribe I recently lived through my mom having Alzheimer’s and my spouse having cancer, my dad is well into his 90s, my in-laws are in their late 80s, I have school-age children, one who is dealing with depression and self-harm. And those are just the people I have the most active role in helping. Story continues below advertisement Skip to end of carousel ABOUT CAROLYN HAX (For The Washington Post) I’ve written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can send me your questions here (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don’t want to miss a column, you can sign up for my daily newsletter. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can submit a question in advance or join me live. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram. End of carousel My sister is retired and lives on her own with a roommate, and could not afford to live alone. Her roommate owns their home, so my sister could be out at any time. I’ve wanted to ask if she has any plans for her old age, but I know she doesn’t, and it seems incredibly cruel to say not to count on me. Advertisement Is there anything I can do here — any better or worse ways to handle this? 🗣️ Follow Advice Follow — Horrible? Horrible?: Awful, no — posing questions to anonymous strangers is the height of honor and decency. Ahem. It is actually (serious now, I swear) a kindness to communicate with people openly about such plans. Or as openly as they are willing. For people who haven’t made plans — in other words, haven’t saved enough money — their truest ally is time. The farther in advance they prepare, the better. Even in a situation like yours where you’re already starting to notice an increase in your sister’s needs, doing something now is still better than putting decisions off till later. Story continues below advertisement Because you are in the thick of So Much Caregiving (I am sorry for that) and you are close to your sister, I think you are an ideal messenger. You can say something like this: “You know I am in the thick of So Much Caregiving. Maybe the one thing I have learned from this is to get ahead of things — to act vs. react. Advertisement “So with that in mind, are you willing to talk to me about your plans if you ever can’t live independently anymore? I would like to share my plans with you as well. Because I anticipate that each of our ability to help each other will be limited, preparation will spare us both a ton of stress.” Sharing your plans with her is key. Life doesn’t always care who is older (or even sicker) than whom, and “Oh, I’ll be fine” doesn’t fly. Story continues below advertisement Re: Sister: I have been a caretaker for more than one relative and for my husband for 14 years. It can be more exhaustion than one even knows they are experiencing. I think your advice is excellent. The sibling might check out what state or local agencies help with housing and care, or get another relative to research this. — Caretaker Caretaker: The sister is the best one to start making these inquiries on her own behalf. But, yes, another relative can pitch in, too, thanks. Another reader’s thought: ⋅ Rather than waiting for an abrupt end to the roommate situation, I would suggest the county or city government can help a person who meets financial limits with a studio or one-bedroom. A wait list is often the case, so she definitely needs to start planning. MORE FROM CAROLYN HAX From the archive: Sister-in-law has dumped her kids. Try to embrace embracing them. She has sex drive. He’s stuck in idle. A friend who’s making self-destructive romantic decisions He lost his job and his mojo. His partner’s patience is next. My stepdaughter didn’t invite me to her wedding More: Sign up for Carolyn’s email newsletter to get her column delivered to your inbox each morning. Carolyn has a Q&A with readers on Fridays. Read the most recent live chat here. The next chat is Sept. 27 at 12 p.m. Resources for getting help. Frequently asked questions about the column. Chat glossary Show more Share 726 Comments NewsletterThursdays for 12 weeks Voraciously: Meal Plan of Action Dinner needs a game plan. Menus and meal prep guides for the week ahead — every Thursday for 12 weeks. Sign up Subscribe to comment and get the full experience. Choose your plan → Advertisement Skip Ads by Advertisement Advertisement Company About The Post Newsroom Policies & Standards Diversity & Inclusion Careers Media & Community Relations WP Creative Group Accessibility Statement Sitemap Get The Post Become a Subscriber Gift Subscriptions Mobile & Apps Newsletters & Alerts Washington Post Live Reprints & Permissions Post Store Books & E-Books Today’s Paper Public Notices Contact Us Contact the Newsroom Contact Customer Care Contact the Opinions Team Advertise Licensing & Syndication Request a Correction Send a News Tip Report a Vulnerability Terms of Use Digital Products Terms of Sale Print Products Terms of Sale Terms of Service Privacy Policy Cookie Settings Submissions & Discussion Policy RSS Terms of Service Ad Choices washingtonpost.com © 1996-2024 The Washington Post * washingtonpost.com * © 1996-2024 The Washington Post * About The Post * Contact the Newsroom * Contact Customer Care * Request a Correction * Send a News Tip * Report a Vulnerability * Download the Washington Post App * Policies & Standards * Terms of Service * Privacy Policy * Cookie Settings * Print Products Terms of Sale * Digital Products Terms of Sale * Submissions & Discussion Policy * Sitemap * RSS Terms of Service * Ad Choices