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Reviews > Awful Anime


GLORIA

Wednesday, Oct 30, 2002 by Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)


At a Glance:Welcome to this extra spooky Halloween spooktober spooktacular
edition of our usual Hentai reviews! While the game “Gloria” was not
particularly spooky when compared to say a picture of a real ghost, or even when
compared to Water Closet, it was still quite the wild ride of chills and spills!

Gloria is the first Hentai game I know of that is set entirely (or at all for
that matter) in the United States. Not that it really seems like the United
States, but at least that explains why there are a whole lot of blue-eyed blonde
women running around. Take on the role of Kira (yes, that’s a boy’s name) the
prospective tutor of one of five sisters who have been adopted by a bizarre
Madam and taken on the last name of Gloria. There’s the love-interest sister,
the childish sister, the crazy sister, and all of the hits you’ve come to expect
from the “fuck the whole family” sub-genre of Hentai games. In fact several of
the plot points and scenes are so similar to those found in “Fatal Relations”
that I would swear on a white box truck full of bibles that they are reusing
some of the art in Gloria. Which is a good move because not just any
kindergartener can be coerced into drawing art like you saw in that game, it
takes at least a third grader and they tend to go union.

Language: King’s English. The king of what I’m not sure.

Sexual Content: 256 Uncensored Colors of Rape.

Hentai Games available from J-List!


Apparently awesome jokes fill the air in a manner very similar to carbon
monoxide; colorless, odorless, and deadly.

Game Plot: To paraphrase The Bard, “Something is rotten in Denmark”. I’m pretty
sure Shakespeare never visited Japan, and even if he did I am even more pretty
sure that Hentai games did not exist at the time. Had he gone to Japan and had
Hentai games existed I am almost certain that quote would now be “Something is
rotten in Japan” and Hamlet would be an epic play about a kid who fucks his
mother, sister, and probably some ghosts or something. Why all the talk about a
dead English poet? You see, this week’s Hentai game happens to feature some of
the most quotable lines of stupidly overdramatic and confusing “near poetry”
that you will find anywhere short of the manual for American McGee’s Alice. And
if Shakespeare had been addicted to eating paint chips or feeding mercury down
his urethra then he might very well have written a sexual
choose-your-own-adventure videogame entitled “Gloria”.

For no particular reason Gloria is set in Massachusetts in the year 2017. I say
no particular reason because even though the protagonist Kira - who appears to
be living as a woman while undergoing hormone treatment leading up to his
de-sexing – starts on campus at MIT, the action quickly jumps to a generic New
England manor. In fact the manor is the exact type of New England manor that
many other Hentai games have featured and therefore are no doubt a fixture
throughout rural Japan. Maybe later a robot overlord appears to rain rape down
upon the landscape thus explaining the need to set the game in 2017. Considering
I didn’t see even the slightest hint of a rapebot and I saw four endings to the
game, I somehow doubt it.

This game insists you take it seriously!The gameplay for Gloria is deceptively
not good. When I first started playing I thought to myself “oh cool it plays
exactly like a choose your own adventure”, meaning that you are frequently
presented with from two to six options and are only allowed to select one, thus
branching the plot. When I got my first death ending less than five minutes into
the game I quickly realized why a computer game version of a choose your own
adventure would suck so hard. You see, when you’re reading “Light on Burro
Mountain” and you get to the part where you get caught trying to sneak into the
mine you can always just back track in a split second to where you made your
grievous error of using a candle instead of a flashlight. In Gloria you have no
such luxury and must start from the beginning. Sure you could save your game,
but actually saving a Hentai game is an unintentional admission akin to sharing
a text file containing all of your passwords to bestiality porn sites when
you’re using KaZaA.

Kira and his friend Georg both receive mysterious letters in the mail inviting
them to Gloria manor, ostensibly as tutors. Georg heads out a day before Kira to
establish himself in advance. During your conversation with him about the letter
you have the option of telling him that you don’t plan to take the job as a
tutor in which case the game ends. This is roughly one minute into the game and
makes for a pretty cool ending that needs to be featured in more Hentai games if
you ask me. It’s basically you taking the option of “no, I don’t want to play
this game” and the game apologizes for being so shitty and you’re free to leave.
Unfortunately, my sense of duty and honor, much like the samurai of Japan back
when it was less obsessed with tentacles, prohibits me from showing cowardice in
the face of immense tedium.

I got back in the game, which is to say I started over and held the space bar in
without reading anything until it got to the part where I said “no” the first
time. Then I made the incredible decision – get this shit – of not quitting the
game and actually proceeding. So I rendezvoused with a representative of the
Gloria household in a small restaurant. She turned out to be a girl dressed in a
maid’s uniform with a neck made out of taffy by the lovely name of Sicile. I
rode with her in the car towards the resplendent manor when the option presented
itself to rape her. It literally was “rape her”. Since rape seems to be the way
to go for success in Japan I picked that, not wanting a dead end repeat of my
first time through. Much to my astonishment Kari raped Sicile and was then shot
to death. Negative consequences for rape in a Hentai game?! WELL I NEVER!

Everyone loves a good violent Hentai rape, and while this one does feature your
usual "girl eventually gets aroused", the ending is anything but ordinary!Third
try and I actually managed to negotiate my way around the whole “not quitting
the game” and “not raping like you would think you’re supposed to” obstacles,
arriving at the manor. I was introduced to Madam, the matriarch of the female,
who flirted with me and then told me to go meet all of her adoptive daughters.
Sicili was one of the daughters as well, but she was being punished for
something or other by being forced to wear a maid’s uniform. The remaining
daughters were forgettable stock characters with the one exception being the
drunken Naomi. She wasn't actually memorable, it was the excellent joke that I
somehow completely missed Kari telling but then he pointed it out by stating
“The awesome joke fills the air...”. My tour complete, I was shown to my room
and was assaulted by Sicile who was making with the blowjobs in one of her
supposed “duties” as a maid. In an oral sex scene with the elegant verbiage “her
throat was deep and wet like a castle moat” Kari hoses her down like a pumpkin
waiting to be glazed. Seconds later I was being assaulted by Madam as well,
apparently my choices in conversation with her had led her to the conclusion
that I needed to explore a more mature dish than barely legal Sicili. A few more
totally intense encounters followed and when it came time to choose who I would
tutor no one seemed to like me and the game ended.

I attempted one last time and managed to get Sicile to accept me as a tutor,
only to totally screw up by choosing the wrong option after one of many blowjob
sequences and force her to fail a test. Then Georg married one of the other
daughters and the game ended. No turning back to this decision about the
flashlight or the candle this time, I was exploring the mine on Burro mountain
and there was no escape when caught. Well, other than the genuine relief of
exiting the game and looking at the more entertaining desktop I have.

I'm not sure why the lizard is here, but thank the lord it's here to
stay!Difficulty: I would rate this game as extremely difficult. There are tons
of plot branches and pretty much every single one seems to end up in some
ridiculous scenario like Kari getting shot for rape. If you can’t apply Hentai
logic to a Hentai game how can you be expected to use any rational thought at
all? You can’t, you have to go with instinct, well other than the instinct to
exit the game. Okay, on second thought, go with that, you’re in no way obligated
to write a review about this game.

Defining Moment: It was a tough choice between the early option to exit the game
and the incredibly unexpected moral rape ending. Despite the fact that, as
mentioned, even Hentai logic doesn’t really apply I had to go with the early
option to exit. When a “developer” puts a branching path that ends the game less
than one minute in you know that you can expect to spend a lot of time watching
the credits roll past. And you can’t skip them. So basically, the credits that
you see every time you inevitably fail to achieve anything approaching victory
are the defining moment of this game.

Final Thoughts:: Gloria is a study in mediocrity, and the interesting change of
pace in terms of interface do not compensate for the fact that the plot is as
generic as Hentai plots come. When you have the freedom to make a game about
pretty much anything you want up to and including medical problems related to
going to the bathroom it’s pretty sad that you would limit yourself to the same
unimaginative “house full of sisters and you as the caretaker” plot. I mean the
least they could have done to spice things up is make Kira a dickgirl or at
least a girl with a giant penis-shaped clitoris. Come on! Where have all the
cowboys gone people?

Graphics:- 7Gameplay:- 6Story:- 10Sexual Deviance:- 2Fun:- 4Overall:- 39

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10
being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50
being the worst).

Do you have a Hentai / Anime question? Feel free to head on over and post it in
the SA Anime Forums!



– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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ABOUT THIS COLUMN

Hentai Games are by and large a unique perversion of the Japanese, although many
of them have been translated to English for the enjoyment of equally perverse
Americans and possibly the British and Australians. The games generally involve
trying to have sex with poorly drawn cartoon women by using incoherently shitty
pick up lines or violence. We have created this section in an effort to
catalogue these high quality games. Some of the pages may not be safe to read at
work although we have attempted to censor the really bad stuff (all of it).

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