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Accessibility statementSkip to main content Democracy Dies in Darkness SubscribeSign in Advertisement Democracy Dies in Darkness AdviceAsk Elaine Asking Eric Ask Sahaj Carolyn Hax Miss Manners Parenting Advice Work Advice AdviceAsk Elaine Asking Eric Ask Sahaj Carolyn Hax Miss Manners Parenting Advice Work Advice CAROLYN HAX: MOM BADGERS WITH LOADED QUESTIONS WHEN SHE WANTS TO MAKE A POINT Letter writer wishes their mom would just say what she thinks instead of asking loaded questions to the point of madness. Advice by Carolyn Hax Columnist June 26, 2024 at 12:00 a.m. EDT (Illustration by Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post) Listen 3 min Share Comment on this storyComment1123 Add to your saved stories Save Dear Carolyn: My mother does a million things that come under the heading of “playing games.” One of them is this: When she wants to make a point, instead of stating it straight-up, she badgers me with leading (or loaded) questions. For example: Subscribe for unlimited access to The Post Save up to 75% for a limited time. Get your first year for €1 every four weeks In college, I fell hard for “Jane.” I had almost no dating experience and didn’t know the first thing about relationships. Long story short, Jane strung me along for a semester. I told my mother a bit about the relationship, but not every twist and turn. As my mother drove me to the airport after a break, she asked whether Jane had another guy in the picture. I said, firmly, “No,” which was true to my knowledge. We talked for a couple more minutes, then my mother repeated, “Does Jane have someone else?” and I said, “NO!” I suppressed the urge to say, “I already answered that question.” There was silence in the car for a few minutes. Then my mother said, “Are you suuuuuure she doesn’t have someone else?” Advertisement Story continues below advertisement I lost it and cried out: “Arrrrrgh! If the answer was yes, I would have said yes, wouldn’t I now? What’s the point of asking if you don’t believe me?” My mother may have gotten somewhere if she had led off with, “I think Jane has someone else because …” instead of antagonizing me. 🗣️ Follow Advice Follow As I said, she still does this kind of thing, so she learned nothing from this incident. Sometimes I’d like to strangle her. — Just SAY IT Skip to end of carousel ABOUT CAROLYN HAX (For The Washington Post) I’ve written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can send me your questions here (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don’t want to miss a column, you can sign up for my daily newsletter. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can submit a question in advance or join me live. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram. End of carousel Just SAY IT: That would be a lot worse than her repeating-questions thing. Just saying. But I do sympathize. And I wonder what you learned from this incident with your mom. From a semester of Jane’s antics, too. In your airport ride, you didn’t “just SAY IT,” either: “I already answered that question.” Right? And you didn’t follow that with: “What I’m hearing, Mom, is that you have something else you want to say about this?” Advertisement Story continues below advertisement Instead you “suppressed the urge,” then “lost it” on her, then concluded that the conversation would have succeeded if she had done something different instead of figuring out how your choices could have changed the result. I understand you are exasperated with your mom’s poor communication skills. You’re still navigating your way out of them yourself, though. And that’s where you’re going to find the answer to your (non-)question about your mother’s game-playing, and Jane’s. That’s good news for a few reasons. You are on the right track — no small thing, given your childhood environment. And you know how this miscommunication style feels, so your motivation to fix it seems solid. And you’re the one in control of the answer, not your mom/Jane/future Janes, which means no more pointless waiting for her to fix herself. You fix you. Advertisement Story continues below advertisement The formula: 1. Speak at face value. 2. Take others at face value. 3. At the first sign of a meaningful gap, speak up: “What I hear you saying is, ‘[What you think someone is saying].’” 4. If people won’t engage honestly, then calmly disengage. (“Okay.” [Shrug.]) Don’t keep trying to change them. You say your mom’s “playing games,” but I suspect she’s hiding. Something taught her it wasn’t okay to say what she really meant. So she learned to hint, ask, poke, prod, imply. Torture, right? For her: all that waiting in frustration for someone to understand her, and all that fear she’ll be punished for it. Ouch. Familiar to you, I imagine. So break the cycle, and learn to maintain your integrity and cool as you, finally, kindly, “SAY IT.” MORE FROM CAROLYN HAX From the archive: A mother-in-law won’t stand down and a husband won’t stand up Here comes the bride. She doesn’t have a clue. Where’s my thank-you-for-thanking-me note? Hoping to rekindle a long-dormant flame A couple’s thoughts about 401(k) don’t match More: Sign up for Carolyn’s email newsletter to get her column delivered to your inbox each morning. Carolyn has a Q&A with readers on Fridays. Read the most recent live chat here. The next chat is July 19 at 12 p.m. Resources for getting help. Frequently asked questions about the column. Chat glossary Show more Share 1123 Comments NewsletterThursdays for 12 weeks Voraciously: Meal Plan of Action Dinner needs a game plan. Menus and meal prep guides for the week ahead — every Thursday for 12 weeks. Sign up Subscribe to comment and get the full experience. Choose your plan → Advertisement Advertisement TOP STORIES Feel-good stories News that brims with optimism Cavers find dog stuck in 50-foot cavern, feed her salami, rescue her Teen and Holocaust survivor who met volunteering become ‘dynamic duo’ Butterflies at wedding moved bride to tears. 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