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Accessibility statementSkip to main content Democracy Dies in Darkness SubscribeSign in Advertisement Democracy Dies in Darkness AdviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice AdviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice CAROLYN HAX: CONTROLLING BROTHER-IN-LAW IS OBSESSED WITH PHONE USE ON VACATION Is sister time and a “free” Hawaiian vacation worth it if it means getting yelled at for checking your phone? 5 min 1094 (Illustration by Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post) Column by Carolyn Hax October 6, 2024 at 12:00 a.m. EDT Dear Carolyn: My sister and brother-in-law have been very generous with me and my siblings. They invite my husband and me to Hawaii with them in their timeshare and don’t ask us to pay (they know we couldn’t afford it). We pay airfare and split the expenses in half once we are there. Subscribe for unlimited access to The Post You can cancel anytime. Subscribe The problem is my controlling brother-in-law. He is constantly on my case about being on my phone. I’ve tried to explain that as a business owner, I occasionally need to text clients back, even on vacation. He will yell at me that I’m not allowed to have my phone at the table. I am 57! When we are lying by the pool, he will make smart comments about my phone while I am reading an e-book. Yet he is on his laptop constantly, on his phone, watching TV, listening to audiobooks using earbuds. He is very moody and miserable, and it annoys us all. Advertisement Story continues below advertisement Are we considered guests who have to abide by his rules? My husband and I have discussed not vacationing with them if this continues. He only goes after me with my phone, not anyone else. The only time I get to see my sister is on our vacation, but her husband is making it miserable for me. My husband agrees, and my sister doesn’t like that he does this, but they don’t have the guts to tell him to stop. 🗣️ Follow Advice Follow If I want to be on my phone 10 minutes a day or 10 hours, why is it any of his business? I don’t even bring my phone to the table. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated! — No Electronics Allowed No Electronics Allowed: You have to hand it to a guy who can make a free trip to Hawaii sound grim. Story continues below advertisement I have to think, by the way, that’s the point of his carping. He’d rather enjoy his timeshare without you there. I don’t know you and therefore can’t insult you personally, right? So I can say this out loud? Maybe he doesn’t like you, or maybe we’re back in middle school and he picks on you because he likes-you likes you. Who knows. Advertisement Skip to end of carousel ABOUT CAROLYN HAX (For The Washington Post) I’ve written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can send me your questions here (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don’t want to miss a column, you can sign up for my daily newsletter. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can submit a question in advance or join me live. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram. End of carousel Whatever the reason for his discomfort, he could just be an adult and own it one way or another: He could either refuse to host you, or agree to host you and make the sporting best of it. Instead he chooses the worst piece of both options and says yes upfront only to immiserate you with a hypocritical crusade while you’re there. Ugh. But that doesn’t mean you have to just sit there poolside and take it. Story continues below advertisement Obvious Option 1, stop going. Option 2, preserve your sister time by going anyway, but now go with a strategic plan. First, do all the easiest things, like minimal brother-in-law and zero phones at the table. (I know, you say you do that, but still.) Second, choose a “workplace” to which you retreat when you must respond to a client. Does your brother-in-law deserve the extra steps? Maybe not. But you do. This tiny separation can help insulate your vacation from work. Advertisement Third, for relatively short money, you can buy an e-reader. Again — does he deserve the accommodation? Can’t say I’m feeling it, no. But you deserve to feel the sunshine of less brother-in-law in your face. And dozens of books in it instead, wonderful. Story continues below advertisement To be clear, you are guests and family, and neither is subject to browbeating. So if, after doing yourself the twin solids of minimizing phone and brother-in-law, he still rips into you, then square up calmly: “I do not take orders from you.” Dear Carolyn: In 10 days, I will “celebrate” my 40th wedding anniversary. Five weeks ago, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with an “escort” for 10 years. I am devastated, heartbroken, confused and afraid. Although he initially said he loves this woman, he now seems to realize he really [messed] up. He says he loves me and our family and the life we have built together. Advertisement I immediately called my financial adviser, a divorce attorney and a couples’ counselor. I am also about to start work with an individual therapist. Story continues below advertisement I love my husband and thought we had a REALLY good marriage. I want to make this work, but right now I am afraid to trust him again, while being afraid to be alone after so long. Are there any women in your audience who have made the choice to stay? Are they ever able to trust again? — P. P.: I am so sorry. There are bunches, I’m sure. And bunches more, alas, who stay without trusting. Men and women both. I understand why you want their stories. Here’s what I wonder. Your life experience already somewhat tracks with both experiences of staying. At least, you know what staying feels like the old way — and you can project how the way rests on your mutual reluctance to leave “the life we have built together.” So isn’t this the real area of inquiry: Who out there, after 40 years, has left? MORE FROM CAROLYN HAX From the archive: She doesn’t do housework or even bother to read his mind No jumping for joy but no grief over ex-husband’s death Amid multiple red flags, a wife won’t raise the white one Less-favored daughter fears her baby will be ‘second-banana’ grandchild Boyfriend’s friend wants ‘her turn’ to be his girlfriend More: Sign up for Carolyn’s email newsletter to get her column delivered to your inbox each morning. Carolyn has a Q&A with readers on Fridays. Read the most recent live chat here. The next chat is Oct. 25 at 12 p.m. Resources for getting help. Frequently asked questions about the column. 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