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Accessibility statementSkip to main content Democracy Dies in Darkness SubscribeSign in Advertisement Close The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness AdviceAsk Amy Ask Elaine Ask Sahaj Carolyn Hax Miss Manners Parenting Advice Work Advice AdviceAsk Amy Ask Elaine Ask Sahaj Carolyn Hax Miss Manners Parenting Advice Work Advice CAROLYN HAX: SINCE HER ADHD DIAGNOSIS, HER SPOUSE KEEPS TRYING TO MANAGE HER Advice by Carolyn Hax Columnist February 26, 2024 at 12:00 a.m. EST (Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post) Listen 3 min Share Comment on this storyComment Add to your saved stories Save Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I’m a woman in my 40s who was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Cool. Explains a lot. Since receiving my diagnosis, I’ve had a major shift in how I perceive myself, mostly for the better. I recognize that there are a lot of arbitrary societal expectations that I simply don’t conform to and that that’s society’s problem, not mine. I am not a bad person because I struggle to complete tasks a certain way, and there is no shame in needing additional clarifications around how long a task should take to complete. WpGet the full experience.Choose your planArrowRight This has been very freeing, and giving myself a break to do things the way that works best for me has improved my life all around. Story continues below advertisement The problem is that my spouse seems to think it is their job to manage me now, and the ADHD diagnosis is a sign that I can’t manage myself. This includes how I complete certain chores and getting upset when I am working (successfully, in my high-paying job) with the TV on. This one particularly irks me, because I feel as if how I do my work is none of their business. Advertisement Unfortunately, my work is remote, and my home office is in a shared space, so they are privy to how I work, whether I want them to be or not. How do I get my spouse to back off or, better yet, respect me as an autonomous adult?! — Recently Diagnosed Recently Diagnosed: 1. Ask spouse directly: “How do I get you to back off or, better yet, respect me as an autonomous adult?!” Story continues below advertisement Skip to end of carousel GET CAROLYN HAX’S ADVICE STRAIGHT TO YOUR INBOX We’re making it easier for you to get Carolyn Hax’s columns. Sign up for her newsletter to start your mornings off with some sound advice. End of carousel Have the conversation about what is and isn’t in bounds for expressing concern. Ideally, “Zip it, we’re both adults,” would suffice, but your ADHD may have led/almost certainly led/absolutely led to extra work for your spouse up to now, so creating a new dynamic and distribution of labor is fair conversational game. I suggest both of you talk specifically about what would be productive for each of you — and not productive, like nagging and infantilizing. Role-play it, so it’s clear. Advertisement 2. If the intrusions don’t stop after this conversation, then you go all verbatim on it until Spouse makes the adjustment: “Thanks, I’ve got this.” “Thanks, I’ve got this.” “Thanks, I’ve got this.” Share this articleShare It’s no way to conduct a marriage for any stretch of time, but as a temporary retraining tool, it is extremely effective. Story continues below advertisement Re: ADHD: While I’m not saying OP’s spouse should be trying to control how she lives or works, I would find it incredibly annoying if my spouse had the TV on in a shared home workspace. — Also WFH Also WFH: Fair — but that would be: “Would you please turn off the TV? I can’t work with the distraction. Thanks.” I.e., nothing about ADHD. Readers’ thoughts: · I have learned a lot from my sister who has ADHD. It is important for YOU to be in control of managing your ADHD and its impacts on you and those around you. Because that’s part and parcel of having ADHD and learning management tools, so that you CAN be an autonomous, independent individual. If you offload a management task to Spouse by choice — then that’s your choice. But if your spouse assumes it, your spouse is actually STANDING IN THE WAY of your adjustment and progress. · I love that a diagnosis helped you see yourself in a new light and gave you permission to operate differently than others. That’s the power of a label. Sometimes just getting one works as permission to be gentler with yourself. I hope it also helps you find ways to move through the world differently and seek out resources. MORE FROM CAROLYN HAX From the archive: Should a single try to burst her friends’ couple bubble? An expat invited friends to visit, then friends invited the world A man’s controlling behaviors are causes for concern A widower’s request to his child is a lot to unpack An estrangement, a new baby and a grandparent caught in the middle More: Sign up for Carolyn’s email newsletter to get her column delivered to your inbox each morning. Carolyn has a Q&A with readers on Fridays. Read the most recent live chat here. The next chat is March 8 at 12 p.m. Resources for getting help. Frequently asked questions about the column. Chat glossary Show more ChevronDown Share 1294 Comments Loading... Subscribe to comment and get the full experience. 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