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How much cocaine is too much cocaine? You might say it's not possible to
quantify. Maybe too much is when you run out of money, punch your best friend in
the face or suffer a mild heart attack. But we all must agree that in truth
there may be no such thing as too much. As much as there is may be just the
right amount. Embrace that and you'll experience the kind of spiritual growth
you've alway longed for.






You are in fact a douche bag. First class, professional league, ready for
Hollywood, Wall Street or Cupertino. Everyone seems to know it except for you.
But hey ignorance is bliss, and you would only ruin what in truth is a highly
successful schtick if you were to become self-conscious of what you do to
people. So I suggest you avoid therapy at all costs, but you might want to go to
one of those $20,000 Tony Robbins workshops just to say you did it.






You devious little cunt. You have everyone fooled. Normally I would write
something like “people are onto you” or “you won't get away with this forever,”
but I have great news: you are destined to con, connive, plot and scheme your
way to success, and further, it looks like next week you stand a good chance of
embezzling at least $5 million. Yes, you will be questioned by a federal grand
jury but they, too, will fall for it just like your mother did.






Look in the mirror and repeat after me: I am a goddamned genius. Say it again,
and again, and again, till you really believe it. If you believe it it's true,
and you will that will make you convincing. Then you can apply for a job as a
math professor or air traffic controller. Everyone knows these jobs are much
easier than people make them out to be. If you're good at guessing, you will be
right at least one out of four times, which is plenty.






Did that guy who walked past you swipe the data off of all the credit cards in
your pocket? Did you leave the stove on? Is the kitchen window open,
guaranteeing that the cat will get out and fall to the street? Did your date
last night have herpes? Is that pimple malignant melanoma? These are ultimately
the kind of profound questions you will have to answer for yourself.






Make. Up. Your. Fucking. Mind. About. How. You. Fucking. Feel. This is not about
you; you love to live in a world of ambivalence or ambiguity. It's everyone else
who you have to worry about, the suffering you're causing the people who care
about you, who have no clue how you feel about them, yet who cling to you
desperately hoping that finally, one day, you will admit to having any actual
emotions at all.






I hate you. Hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you. I would eat you, but
you're too big. I would torture you, but you insist on ignoring me. But here is
what you simply do not understand. I am smarter than you, and I'm more patient.
I will wait for you to have a moment of weakness and then I will pounce. And you
will live to regret that day.





by Eric Fwaancis - April 2008 | Subscribe Here






Get a clue. Really. You think everything is so simple. Your supposed attitude
that "everything will always work out" is just a mask for your deep abiding
pessimism and misanthropia, which in turn conceals several layers of highly
complicated psychiatric issues not covered by DSM-V and which are not even
planned for DSM-XVII. You look like you're doing pretty well on Xanax, but you
can't put that on your resume. Or at least I don't recommend it. You know you
came into this life to conquer and maraud. What on Earth is stopping you?

 




What is love? You have one idea, but you must eventually come to grips with its
eminently tragic nature. Your deeply romantic constitution will not stop the Sun
from going nova, keep the Bomb out of Iran's hands or prevent anyone from having
those hormone surges that induce them to forget their ethics and travel to Las
Vegas for half a dozen lap dances, no matter how pure you personally are. The
only reason you wear those heart-shaped glasses is to prevent eye contact. Trust
me, it works.






In the land of the blind, a one-eyed man is not only considered crazy, he
actually is. That would be you. This your saving grace, and at least you have
one. These days life is handing you so many choices. Do you close the other eye,
or open both of them? Do you squint, and pretend you can't see? Or by keeping
one eye open, are you just trying to subtly inform the world that you're always
telling a little white lie? The fact that you insist on keeping everyone else in
the dark about your true nature will not save you from reincarnating as the
world's first chimpanzee who can type 70 words a minute in three different
languages. Thank God you have a future. Not everyone can say that.




You like to call yourself sensitive. You're sure you're such a good listener.
You seem so concerned about everything and everyone. You love your cats and
never hesitate to toss some pink salmon to the local stray and that helps you
feel good about yourself. You think your kids, your boyfriend and the local
pigeons adore your cooking, but they are just hungry and desperate, like
everyone else crawling around the planet's grimy surface. Everything you give
them, such as apple crumb cake, is a substitute for giving them yourself. Why do
you always look so surprised when you make a discovery like this?






Ah yes, you are an original. The innovator. The best inventions are always so
simple. And you are so clear-headed, so unequivocal. Not exactly a freak of
nature, but not entirely natural, either. Your origins may be uncertain, and
many people claim credit for you. Even more people just toss you around,
claiming that your feelings are their feelings. You keep telling yourself that
everyone stealing your identity is a form of left-handed flattery. It is not --
it is simply stealing. But unlike anyone else around here, at least you have a
Wikipedia page.







Soon enough, you will reach Nirvana. But I am speaking on a cosmic scale, in
geological time. It may take two or three epochs. How long is that? Don't worry
about it. Today aspects indicate that you are beginning to wonder whether
selling all your stuff, closing your bank accounts, quitting your job and moving
to a squat was really the right decision. That is the right question to be
asking, particularly since it's been more than ten years since you did that. But
hey -- at least you're happy. That is the most precious gift in the world.







You will live to regret being evil. You know this. It occurs to you at least
three times a day. But still, with lust in your soul, you persist, and wreck the
lives of others, and you enjoy every minute of it. Face it, perpetrating evil
brings exquisite worldly pleasure. Frightening people really is a testament to
your power. Intimidating them is what you were born to do. The fact that
everyone is so hot for you only seems to prove your point. But you simply cannot
account for the tastes of others. None of this is really your fault.







Most people envy your attitude, treating every day like it’s an extended
vacation and life is one giant groovy party. You are so optimistic, you would go
skiing during nuclear winter. But sooner or later, you will take off those
sunglasses. Everyone does; you are not exempt. And eventually, your admirers and
followers will all catch on that your bloodshot eyes are not from all the late
night partying, the fabulous Hawaiian weed you've been smoking or from working
so hard on your new script. Read the label on your bottle of saline solution. If
it starts with "Danger," don't put it in your eyes.






You love being the way you are. Admit it -- it's taken you daily practice since
you were 15 seconds old. Ok, the moment you showed up, they grabbed you with
forceps, whacked your ass and stuck a rubber nipple in your mouth. That seems to
have set things going in one particular direction. You've never known anything
else, and that puts you at a huge advantage. That's not really my place to
inform you, though; you do a fine job of bending the entirety of humanity to
your "will." Moreover, you love the intensity of it all, and at least we can say
one thing about you -- you're consistent.






You have a right to be who you are and to feel what you feel. Has anyone ever
told you that? If not, let me be the first. Even you, yes you, have a right to
feel good about yourself. Now, if only you could get everyone in the world to
feel exactly as you do, life would be perfect. Well, let me also be the first to
tell you something, you're doing a brilliant job of it. But I assure you --
there are still a few more people out there who enjoy sex. In fact, there are
some in every city. Not just in the country, but in the world. You have your
work cut out for you.






Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And what a beautiful life it
is. Just think, we live in the most exciting time in history. The world is your
oyster and you are free to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone you want,
make music, dance, celebrate or invent something that will someday save the
world and make you a huge pile of cash. Hey, you can even email Madonna from her
MySpace page. While I was recording your latest weekly prediction, I saw
something important about you and your future. You can hear the first minute or
so immediately when you click here.





I know you feel safer in there, sort of blending in with the crowd. But let's
"face" it, you're just proud to be insecure. You've made an art form out of it,
far surpassing everything else you do that you call art. You love being told who
you are. On some level, you feel you deserve the way others project onto you --
that exquisite feeling of being trapped inside everyone else's perceptions. As
your astrologer, I've some hot news for you. A rare alignment of the asteroid
Nobody with the planet Uranus in your birth sign means that at long last, your
true identity will be revealed. Is there anybody home? We shall soon see.