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HomeLatestNewsLocalEntertainmentPoliticsSportsOpinionVideo


Slideshow

CALIFORNIANS EXPLAIN WHY THEY SHOULD SECEDE FROM THE NATION

The controversial CalExit movement posits that state of California should secede
from the United States and become its own sovereign nation. The Onion asked
Californians why they supported it, and this is what they said.



News In Brief

NAVY SPENDS MAJORITY OF BOOT CAMP TRAINING RECRUITS TO FENCE USING MARLINS



News In Brief

EPIDEMIOLOGIST BLOWS CONCH HORN AFTER SPOTTING NEW COVID VARIANT CRESTING OVER
HORIZON

GENEVA—Taking a deep breath and sounding the alarm for all in the land to hear,
epidemiologist Hans Zehnder reportedly blew a conch horn Friday after spotting a
new Covid variant cresting over the horizon. “Hark, a new variant approaches!”
Zehnder…


News In Brief

DOCTORS SUGGEST TREATING BACK PAIN WITH MAYBE SOME KIND OF HIGH-TECH ROBOT BACK
THING

ROCHESTER, MN—Indicating that an electronic spine-replacement device would
drastically increase physical well-being if the technology does indeed exist,
doctors at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic suggested Friday that their patients
with back pain be…



News In Brief

BIDEN: U.S. WON’T REST UNTIL BRITTNEY GRINER RETURNED HOME TO SERVE MARIJUANA
POSSESSION SENTENCE

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that he intended to make the diplomatic situation
his top priority, President Biden told reporters Thursday that the United States
would not rest until WNBA star Brittney Griner was returned home to serve a
marijuana…



News In Brief

ALEX JONES CONCEDES SANDY HOOK HAPPENED ON MARS



News In Brief

KYLIE JENNER CRITICIZED FOR TAKING 12-MINUTE FLIGHT ON PRIVATE ENDANGERED
WHOOPING CRANE


News In Brief

PELOSI MOVED BY CHINA’S SPECTACULAR SHOW OF MILITARY FORCE CELEBRATING HER VISIT
TO ASIA






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The Onion Reviews 'When Harry Met Sally'
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Former CIA Officer Testifies That CIA Really Crazy When You Think About It


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Infographic

THE ONION’S TEST SWEATSHOP HELPS YOU HAVE FUN IN THE SUN



American Voices

EARTH SPINNING FASTER THAN USUAL, HAS SHORTEST DAY EVER




Baseball

SLUMPING AARON JUDGE FAILS TO HIT HOME RUN FOR ENTIRE AT-BAT


Magazine

DAKOTA JOHNSON RUNS ERRANDS IN HEELS AND BARELY THERE CROP TOP: YOU WISH,
PERVERT, SHE’S WEARING AN ASTRONAUT SUIT



Cartoons

THE YEAST THEY COULD DO


Infographic

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT PELOSI’S TAIWAN TRIP






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Slideshow

AMERICANS EXPLAIN WHY THEY SUPPORT GOING TO WAR WITH CHINA



News In Brief

SINGLE VOICE EMERGES FROM WHIRLWIND OF CHAOS IN MAN’S HEAD TO SUGGEST HE EAT
OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE




News In Brief

APOLOGETIC CITY OFFICIALS ADMIT EXPRESSWAY MEDIAN WASN’T BEST LOCATION FOR
OFF-LEASH DOG PARK



News In Brief

MAN THROWN OUT OF CLUB FOR TOUCHING STRIPPER’S HEART





LOCAL

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News In Brief

FRUSTRATED FIRE TRUCK DRIVER TAKES ANOTHER SPIN AROUND BLOCK AFTER ONLY OPEN
SPOT IN FRONT OF FIRE HYDRANT

CHICAGO—Having already spent 15 minutes searching for a place to park his
vehicle, frustrated fire truck driver Trevor Boyce was reportedly taking another
spin around the block Wednesday after the only open spot he found was in front
of a fire…


News In Brief

POLICE EXPERIMENTING WITH NONLETHAL METHODS TO GIVE SPEEDING TICKET



News In Brief

FRIENDS MAKE PACT TO GET MARRIED IF THEY’RE BOTH STILL UGLY WHEN THEY’RE 40



News In Brief

REFRESHINGLY FRANK THERAPIST SUGGESTS SHOOTING PRESIDENT



News In Brief

WOMAN AT THAT AGE WHERE ALL HER FRIENDS GETTING PROSECUTED FOR LOSING
PREGNANCIES





POLITICS

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News In Brief

DESPERATE BIDEN ANNOUNCES HALLOWEEN WILL NOW HAPPEN EVERY MONTH

WASHINGTON—In an apparent attempt to address flagging approval ratings and
daunting prospects in the midterms, a desperate President Joe Biden announced
Wednesday that Halloween would now happen every month. “Let’s everybody stop
worrying about gas…



News In Brief

‘AND I WANT YOUR TIE TOO,’ SAYS SINEMA, GIVING BIDEN CONDITIONS OF HER SUPPORT
FOR BILL


News In Brief

NANCY PELOSI ASSURES CHINA TAIWAN VISIT PART OF BACHELORETTE PARTY SHE DIDN’T
PLAN




Slideshow

BIGGEST REVELATIONS FROM JOSH HAWLEY’S NEW BOOK ‘MANHOOD’


News In Brief

MITCH MCCONNELL REQUESTS 50 MILLION ADDITIONAL GALLONS OF FLOODWATER FOR
KENTUCKY FLOOD VICTIMS






IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

Slideshow

WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO DENIES CLIMATE CHANGE



Slideshow

REPUBLICANS EXPLAIN WHY THEY OPPOSE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE




Slideshow

WEALTHY NEW YORKERS EXPLAIN WHY THEY LEFT THE CITY



Slideshow

REPUBLICANS EXPLAIN WHY THEY VOTED AGAINST VETERANS’ HEALTHCARE





ENTERTAINMENT

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POLICE DID GREAT JOB, POLICE SAY



News In Brief

KYLIE JENNER CRITICIZED FOR TAKING 12-MINUTE FLIGHT ON PRIVATE ENDANGERED
WHOOPING CRANE




Now playing

TikTok

CHICKEN REACTS TO FRIED CHICKEN TUTORIAL



Magazine

DAKOTA JOHNSON RUNS ERRANDS IN HEELS AND BARELY THERE CROP TOP: YOU WISH,
PERVERT, SHE’S WEARING AN ASTRONAUT SUIT






SPORTS

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Baseball

SLUMPING AARON JUDGE FAILS TO HIT HOME RUN FOR ENTIRE AT-BAT



Golf

TRUMP HOSTS SAUDI-BACKED ‘JAMAL KHASHOGGI WAS NO SAINT’ GOLF TOURNAMENT




Football

DESHAUN WATSON: ‘I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT THE NFL WAS COOL WITH THIS
STUFF’



Baseball

ROB MANFRED EXTENDS OLIVE BRANCH TO MINOR LEAGUERS BY LETTING THEM RUN BASES AT
MLB STADIUM AFTER GAME





OPINION

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Slideshow

MEN REVEAL WHY THEY’VE DECIDED TO GET VASECTOMIES



Slideshow

PARENTS EXPLAIN WHY THEY ARE NOT VACCINATING THEIR CHILDREN AGAINST COVID-19




American Voices

AIRBNB REMOVES ‘SLAVE QUARTERS’ LISTING MARKETED AS LUXURY GETAWAY



Slideshow

MEN DISCUSS HOW ABORTIONS HAVE AFFECTED THEM













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