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 * Fri. Jan 26th, 2024 3:43:07 PM




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MY DAUGHTER HAS BECOME A FAMOUS FITNESS MODEL. BUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER ISN’T
VERY HEALTHY.

BYADMIN

Jan 13, 2024 #daughter, #famous, #feel, #Fitness, #Healthy, #isnt, #model

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care
and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter, “Sarah” (22F) is a fitness enthusiast and has recently started
getting fitness modeling gigs. She has done photoshoots for a few up-and-coming
fitness brands and seems to be doing pretty well. Obviously, as a mom, I’m
thrilled for her. However, I find myself feeling embarrassed and ashamed about
my figure in comparison. I don’t have six-pack abs or perfectly firm muscles. I
worry that she must be judging my physique because I’m not built like her. I
realize that this is a bit irrational, but I don’t know how to purge my mind of
these thoughts. I would never think to make my daughter quit her job because of
how it affects me, but how do I go about desensitizing myself to her career and
the effects it has on my own body image?

—Fit for Motherhood

Dear Fit,

You can’t hold your body to the same standards as a 22-year-old who is literally
paid to be in top physical condition. The vast majority of humans are walking
around without six-pack abs or “perfect” muscles. You know as well as I do that
there is no reason for you to compare yourself to your daughter. But I do
understand how it’s possible to be jealous of her physique and perhaps her
success as well. Why don’t you allow this to drive your own fitness journey? You
don’t need to be in the same shape as your daughter, but perhaps you can look at
her hard work and find your own drive to get in the gym and build a body that
makes you proud. Maybe she can give you some tips, and the two of you can even
work out together on occasion.
Comparison is the thief of joy. You don’t need to look like a young model to
feel good about yourself—and it’s highly unlikely that your daughter has ever
thought to critique your body based on her own. Remember that your body is
sacred; it literally produced this young woman that you’re in awe of. Take care
of yourself and make fitness a part of your own lifestyle if it isn’t already.
When those insecure thoughts about your daughter creep in, remind yourself how
hard she’s worked to build that body, and how much easier it is to do at 22 than
it is when you’re old enough to have a 22-year-old.

WANT ADVICE ON PARENTING, KIDS, OR FAMILY LIFE?

Submit your questions to Care and Feeding here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may
be edited for publication.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband is infertile, and our only option to have a child is to conceive with
donor sperm. However, I refuse to use the sperm of a stranger. In addition to
medical history concerns, I worry about family history and other factors.
However, I have a friend I’ve known since we were children, Rob. He’s smart,
handsome, successful, and I know his family well. I asked Rob if he would donate
sperm to us, and he agreed. However, he recently changed his mind and doesn’t
want to go through with it. I’m also friends with Rob’s sister, and she told me
it was Rob’s girlfriend who made him change his mind.

I’m very hurt and angry. I was counting on Rob to do this for us. I’m thinking
of giving his girlfriend a call and telling her to stop interfering in this
important matter. The whole situation has caused a lot of tension with my
husband, who even said that maybe this is a “sign” that we shouldn’t have
children. I desperately want a baby, and I know this is all the doing of Rob’s
girlfriend, who has a history of interfering in our friendship. Should I get in
touch with her or talk to Rob again?

—Wanting to Be a Mother

Dear Wanting,

You have every right to be disappointed in Rob’s change of heart. However, you
have to remember that donating sperm is a major decision and he wasn’t wrong to
consult his partner about it. It may have been his girlfriend who convinced him
to pull out, but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t have his own qualms about the
arrangement. You can appeal to him, but I think it would be more prudent for you
to instead reconsider your feelings about using an anonymous donor. Many sperm
banks screen their donors extensively and make information about health and
family history available to couples seeking their services. Receiving sperm from
someone you know could prove more difficult than you think. It may be hard for
Rob to watch you raising a child that is biologically his, especially if they
look alike; obviously, his girlfriend has her own issues with this as well. Do
some more research into sperm banks and try to talk to families who have used
them to become pregnant.

CATCH UP ON CARE AND FEEDING

· Missed earlier columns this week? Read them here.
· Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!

Dear Care and Feeding,

There are 14 years between me and my sister, with three brothers between us. She
is at the age I was when she was born, and I can’t get over how permissive our
parents are with her. She gets away with poor grades, sliding on her chores, and
back talk that would have gotten me slapped. What is worse, our parents are
letting her 17-year-old boyfriend sleep over regularly! He supposedly stays in
the guest room, but both that room and my sister’s are upstairs away from the
rest of the family. When I found out, I flipped out and asked my parents what
they were thinking. They told me to “relax” and that they trust my sister not to
have sex. I asked if she was on any kind of birth control, and they told me I
was out of bounds. We live in a horrible red state where abortion rights are
nil. I can’t tell you how many of my peers I watched wreck their futures with
teenage pregnancy after teenage pregnancy. I don’t want that for my sister. We
aren’t close given the age gap, but I never thought my parents would be this
careless.

—Concerned Sister

Dear Concerned Sister,

You can’t control what your parents allow under their roof, but you can begin
having discussions with your sister about safe sex and birth control. Since the
two of you aren’t close, you may need to ease into this line of conversation by
first asking her how things are going and talking about other facets of her life
before starting to ask questions about her relationship. Do your best to make
her feel as comfortable as possible before inquiring about how her boyfriend is
doing, what she likes about him and what she wants for the two of them in the
future. Be honest with her about the fact that you witnessed a lot of girls have
challenging times due to teen pregnancies and that you don’t want to see her go
down that road. Let her know that you won’t be sharing anything she says with
your parents and make yourself available to take her to get birth control from a
local clinic or Planned Parenthood location. You might want to purchase her some
condoms as well. Talk to her about STIs and why it is so important to mind one’s
sexual health. Your sister may be hesitant to discuss this topic with you, so
you’ll need to keep at it as long as it takes to get her comfortable with it.
Tell her that she can trust you to keep anything she shares with you in
confidence and that you’re available to answer any questions that she has. You
should also talk to her about sexual autonomy and the fact that she doesn’t have
to do anything she doesn’t want to do in order to keep her boyfriend or anyone
else happy.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m newly separated and really struggling. I’ve read the articles and heeded the
advice about getting along for the kids. My question is how am I supposed to do
that when my ex was so horrible to me? He was mentally and emotionally abusive.
He used me for sex several times. He said awful things to me. He gaslighted and
stonewalled me. He made me feel ugly and made comments about my appearance. He
also demanded that I become a tradwife and when I wouldn’t do that, he started
treating me even worse. We have a special needs child, so I really need his
help. Please give me some advice about how to navigate this. I literally get
nervous and have panic episodes when I see him. I also am in therapy but those
things take time. I’m so tired of trying to be amicable because I always end up
sobbing.

—Separated and Sad

Dear Separated,

 1. Content Locked for Slate Plus members
    
    My Sister Wants a Piece of Our Mother’s Jewelry for Her Stepdaughter. I
    Think the Brat Disqualified Herself.

 2. My Daughter Has Become a Famous Fitness Model. But How I Feel About Her
    Isn’t Very Healthy.

 3. Content Locked for Slate Plus members
    
    My Mother Disowned Me Because of Her Religion. Now Her Church Has Issued Me
    an Impossible Demand.

 4. I Asked My Husband for One Night Away From the Kids as a Birthday Gift. He
    Can’t Handle It.

First, let me congratulate you on removing yourself from an unhealthy situation.
Hopefully, this new chapter in your life is much happier, and you can focus on
your healing. It’s unfortunate that you still have to deal with your ex for the
sake of your children—and if you have any concerns that he might be abusive
towards them, you should take legal steps to ensure that he isn’t in a position
to do that any further. Remind yourself that you are only interacting with this
man because you share children and that you aren’t wrong for requiring his
support. Give yourself a pep talk before you have to see or speak to him and
tell yourself that his days of hurting you are over. Allow conversations between
the two of you to be about the children and nothing else. Remember that he is a
mean, small person and that any pain he has caused you is his fault, not yours.
Limit your interactions as much as you can. Encourage your children to talk to
you about their relationship with their dad and if there are any signs that he
is mistreating them, do what you need to do to keep them away from him. Continue
with your therapy and remember that, as you said, it will take time to heal from
what you’ve endured. Be patient with yourself and don’t feel guilty about
resenting your continued need to engage with your ex.

—Jamilah

FOR MORE PARENTING ADVICE, LISTEN TO MOM AND DAD ARE FIGHTING









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