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Latest:
 * Being able to get to Wigan quickly totally makes up for all the other ways
   we’ve been fucked, agrees younger generation
 * Nadine Dorries tweets that she will "rip out the eyes of any f*cker who
   opposes the Online Safety Bill"
 * 'We thought Leeds was in Manchester' admits government
 * Fury as BBC anniversary programme plans show strong bias in favour of BBC
 * New Spider-Man trailer confirms there WILL be at least THREE actors in it


BEING ABLE TO GET TO WIGAN QUICKLY TOTALLY MAKES UP FOR ALL THE OTHER WAYS WE’VE
BEEN FUCKED, AGREES YOUNGER GENERATION

By 2040 the UK will have excellent rail links to Wigan, a benefit that young
people are happy more than offsets having to live with their parents forever on
an uninhabitable planet.




NADINE DORRIES TWEETS THAT SHE WILL “RIP OUT THE EYES OF ANY F*CKER WHO OPPOSES
THE ONLINE SAFETY BILL”

In a now-deleted Tweet, the Culture Secretary and famous connoisseur of exotic
delicacies said that online bullying had reached epidemic proportions and that
any journalist mocking her attempts to curb it would be “shot then skullfucked
with a rusty trowel.”


‘WE THOUGHT LEEDS WAS IN MANCHESTER’ ADMITS GOVERNMENT

The government has defended its decision to scrap the East Midlands to Leeds HS2
rail link today after admitting that they actually thought Leeds was in
Manchester when the initial plans were agreed.


FURY AS BBC ANNIVERSARY PROGRAMME PLANS SHOW STRONG BIAS IN FAVOUR OF BBC

The BBC has been slammed for its announcement of a series of programmes
scheduled for its anniversary next year that appear to all be biased in favour
of the BBC.


NEW SPIDER-MAN TRAILER CONFIRMS THERE WILL BE AT LEAST THREE ACTORS IN IT

There will be at least three actors in the new Spider-Man film, it has been
confirmed.

 * Brexiter celebrates UK’s wonderful new opportunity to pay higher credit card
   transaction charges
 * New Spider-Man trailer shows glimpse of alternate universe in which Jurgen
   wins Bake Off
 * Bruce Wayne under pressure to resign after revelations of second job
 * Everyone just pretending Jürgen goes on to win GBBO anyway
 * “No I don’t have any pigs in blankets” sighs frustrated drug dealer
 * Return to office merely a dispiriting reminder of how annoying colleagues are
   in person
 * COP26 progress already completely reversed by next door’s Christmas lights
 * Shock new evidence of Marilyn Manson’s descent into hellish depravity: Live,
   Laugh, Love wallpaper in his home




ALSO IN THE NEWS

 * Black Friday emails now making up 99.84% of all worldwide correspondence
 * Terror threat level raised to ‘severe’ to give impression Boris Johnson is
   doing something




SPECIAL REPORTS


NIGEL FARAGE PHOTO CASEBOOK

All of Nigel Farages Photo Casebooks available here

More Special reports:

Glastonbury fans begin preparing bottles of piss for Kanye West

Comedian to retire controversial ‘Katie Hopkins’ character


MORE FROM NEWSTHUMP

SPORT


BLATTER AND PLATINI EXONERATED AS FIFA VOTES TO CHANGE FRAUD RULES TO PROTECT
THEIR MATES

Former Fifa officials Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini have been cleared of all
charges today, after it was revealed Fifa members voted to just change the rules
on fraud to protect a couple of their mates.

 * Cristiano Ronaldo emerges for training utterly exhausted after night spent
   practising goal celebration in mirror
 * Daniel Levy to offer next Spurs manager 45-minute rolling contract

POLITICS


BEING ABLE TO GET TO WIGAN QUICKLY TOTALLY MAKES UP FOR ALL THE OTHER WAYS WE’VE
BEEN FUCKED, AGREES YOUNGER GENERATION

By 2040 the UK will have excellent rail links to Wigan, a benefit that young
people are happy more than offsets having to live with their parents forever on
an uninhabitable planet.

 * Nadine Dorries tweets that she will “rip out the eyes of any f*cker who
   opposes the Online Safety Bill”
 * ‘We thought Leeds was in Manchester’ admits government

ENTERTAINMENT


FURY AS BBC ANNIVERSARY PROGRAMME PLANS SHOW STRONG BIAS IN FAVOUR OF BBC

The BBC has been slammed for its announcement of a series of programmes
scheduled for its anniversary next year that appear to all be biased in favour
of the BBC.

 * New Spider-Man trailer confirms there WILL be at least THREE actors in it
 * New Spider-Man trailer shows glimpse of alternate universe in which Jurgen
   wins Bake Off

WORLD


BRUCE WAYNE UNDER PRESSURE TO RESIGN AFTER REVELATIONS OF SECOND JOB

Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne is being put under huge public pressure to
resign after incredible revelations surfaced in the tabloids that he has another
job.

 * ‘I just make most of this stuff up to be honest’ admits Professor Brian Cox
 * COP26 delegates reach historic agreement to turn that bloody light off if
   you’re not in there



TECHNOLOGY


ALL THE BEST INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES USE SPAM AND FAKE SOCIAL MEDIA PROFILES
FOR PROMOTION, INSIST CRYPTO GURUS

Crypto gurus across the Internet have insisted that we should read nothing into
their repeated use of fake social media profiles and comment spam to promote
their get-rich-quick schemes.

 * Outrage as woke, antifa Call of Duty game demands that you literally kill
   Nazis
 * Britain loses half a million man-hours trying to change the time on the
   nation’s ovens

SCIENCE


‘I JUST MAKE MOST OF THIS STUFF UP TO BE HONEST’ ADMITS PROFESSOR BRIAN COX

Professor Brian Cox has revealed today that he ‘just tends to make shit up’ when
it comes to massive numbers and facts about the universe. Speaking about his
popular BBC documentary Universe, Professor Cox, who is actually a musician and
does physics for a laugh revealed most of the ‘facts’ and information in the
programme […]

 * COP26 rebrands ‘Climate Change’ as ‘Naked Climate Change’ to promote greater
   climate engagement
 * Man who crept into Mike Graham’s garden to replace small lump of concrete
   with slightly larger one every time it rained nominated for Turner Prize

EDUCATION


ANTI-VAXXER SHOWING PHOTOS OF DEAD BODIES TO CHILDREN AT SCHOOL GATES STILL
CONFIDENT HE’S ‘THE GOOD GUY’

An anti-vaxxer who spent this morning shouting at children and showing them
photos of dead people has today insisted he is definitely one of the good guys.

 * PTA bake sale raises over 200 Covid cases for school
 * Man celebrates his ‘genius progeny’ after nursery teacher says child doing
   ‘really well’

BUSINESS


BEING ABLE TO GET TO WIGAN QUICKLY TOTALLY MAKES UP FOR ALL THE OTHER WAYS WE’VE
BEEN FUCKED, AGREES YOUNGER GENERATION

By 2040 the UK will have excellent rail links to Wigan, a benefit that young
people are happy more than offsets having to live with their parents forever on
an uninhabitable planet.

 * ‘We thought Leeds was in Manchester’ admits government
 * Brexiter celebrates UK’s wonderful new opportunity to pay higher credit card
   transaction charges




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 * POPULAR THIS WEEK
   
   * Brexiter celebrates UK’s wonderful new opportunity to pay higher credit
     card transaction charges
   * Everyone just pretending Jürgen goes on to win GBBO anyway
   * Tesco on verge of becoming completely Covidiot-free
   * Matt Hancock’s pandemic memoir to be called ‘Blood on my hands… semen on
     hers’
   * Man already on third bottle of ‘Christmas’ Baileys


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