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Showing posts with label camp mak a dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label camp mak a dream. Show all posts



TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2014


I AM LOVELY


I've debated sharing this for a really long time....but I think it's time.


I love the lyrics in this song-- I feel lovely just the way that I am

In a way, this post is a love letter to myself. A lot of people might think I
have the best self-esteem in the world. I mean, I have everything going for me
so of course I think I'm great, right? Not always so. I've battled body image
issues since high school. At times it has been worse than others. Particularly
my last two years of college. I was married and a highly competitive college
athlete (which alone spells disaster for body image problems). I got really sick
for a while and dropped a ton of weight. Then it went to my head. I loved it.
And then since I was working out so much and so hard, the weight stayed off even
when I got better and started eating gluten free. Also, I think subconsciously I
knew I wasn't as happily married as I thought I was. Obviously I didn't see it
at the time. But as time wore on, the view I had of myself became more and more
warped. I was freaking out when I started to gain weight my senior year of
college (Spring 2012). Then I was diagnosed with cancer. They removed 3 huge
tumors and I was in the hospital for 9 days not eating anything because I was so
sick. I dropped all that weight again. It was great. Then I found out about my
husband's infidelity. Now I am NOT blaming him for my eating disorder or my body
image problems. To his credit he tried to do all he could to make me like my
body. However, hating myself and my body became the way I dealt with the
problems and stress in my life. I was happy in every other way. I was dealing
with cancer and treatment and making the most of life. I was working through
marital problems best I could. But my body became the thing I took out my stress
and anger on. It got to the point that I couldn't think about anything else
except how fat my legs were and how skinny every other girl's legs looked. I let
it consume me. I tried everything I could to be anorexic (now I say try because
1. I love food 2. I love to run 3. You can't run well on no food and 4. I have
very little willpower). I tried everything I could to be bulimic.
[Un]Fortunately, I guess I have been blessed with a gag reflex of steel because
not a thing in the world could make me throw up (except being in the hospital
for 9 days).

I hated myself. Literally. It was terrible. Finally, I broke away from the
unhappy situation I was in. I moved home. I was surrounded by people who loved
me. I didn't have to deal with anything. I had a broken heart and time on my
hands. My family embraced me. I did things with them. I did things with my
girlfriends. And most importantly I went to cancer camp. I had friends who loved
me more than I've ever had a friend love me. They loved me because of my smile,
my happy attitude, my love for life and adventure. And suddenly my body wasn't
me. I was me. My character was me. It didn't matter what I looked like or where
I came from.


It's still taken time, I still would love to have skinnier legs (and no, no
matter what you tell me, your words cannot change my perception of myself). See
that's the problem with having a body image disorder, it doesn't matter what
people think or say to you. Every person in the world could have told me I was
the prettiest, skinniest girl they knew and it wouldn't have changed my view of
myself. It's hard because when I felt that way, I wanted everyone to look at me
and think "wow, she's so skinny" and yet I wouldn't believe it if someone told
me. Or if I did hear it, I would force myself to fulfill that expectation and it
would just perpetuate a vicious cycle. I had someone tell me "wow, you've really
gained a lot of weight haven't you?" It just about killed me. I knew they meant
that I didn't look sick from chemo anymore. But my brain heard those words as
"you are a huge fat whale. FAT FAT FAT".

In our world today, hearing about one's body is inevitable. It's nice to hear
someone say you have a nice body or nice legs or you are pretty or whatever.
Everyone likes those compliments. No one likes "you've put on some weight,
you're looking good" no matter how kind the intent is behind it. Well I bet some
people do like that actually. I don't. At all.

I don't know exactly what has happened that has helped me love myself. I think a
lot of has to do with getting out of a destructive and loveless
relationship.(Like I said before, it wasn't his fault. My own problems were just
exacerbated by the problems in my life). A lot of it is that I'm not competing
as a college athlete in a situation where my body is everything; where you
constantly compare yourself to every girl that is faster and come to the
conclusion that if you were just a few pounds skinner you'd be able to shave an
extra 10 seconds off your mile. A lot of it is that I have learned to be
independent again. I'm not relying on someone else to make me happy. You can
never rely on someone else to provide for your happiness. Especially in a
marriage relationship. You HAVE to be happy all by yourself before you can be
happy with someone else. A spouse should add to your happiness. Not create it.



For whatever reason, for the first time in my life, what other people think of
me doesn't affect how happy I am. This is why we have trials. This is why you
hear cliche phrases like "trials are blessings in disguise", "what doesn't kill
you makes you stronger" and "God gives us trials in order for us to become more
like Him". Everyone has to learn to stand on their own feet no matter how many
times the storm knocks you down. That's why every person's storm is different.
We each have to go through the storm that will teach us the lessons we
personally need to learn and that we couldn't learn any other way.



What inspired me to finally admit and talk about my struggle? I looked in my
swimsuit drawer today and saw my old bikinis (yep, sorry I am very immodest.
Judge away). When I had surgery I thought I would never wear them again. When I
had my second surgery I KNEW I would never wear them again. My stomach was
hideous. It was lumpy and misshapen with a weirdo belly button and a huge nasty
scar. But today I looked at those skimpy pieces of clothing in my drawer and I
pulled them out. I tried them on. I looked in the mirror. And I didn't hate what
I saw. I didn't see a nasty hideous stomach. I still saw just me. Just little
old me who is the same no matter what I'm wearing. (Of course time has smoothed
out my weird lumps and bumps and my belly button has gotten a little more normal
so that helps :) haha). Just to try and give you an idea of the extent of how
much I hated my scar and my stomach, I have to admit that I chewed out my
surgeon for making me so ugly. Like literally. I told him, "you did a terrible
job on my scar. Why couldn't you have made me less bumpy with a prettier belly
button. I need plastic surgery to fix it". He replied "well that wasn't very
nice" and immediately I felt like the meanest most horrible person in the world.
Because I had been planning that retort for months. And I thought for sure I'd
be getting plastic surgery. Can you believe how vain I am?

I never ever thought in a million years I would let people look at my stomach.
Remember this first picture from my first surgery? It was a battle scar I was
proud of. Now, more than a year later I am ready to show off my second battle
scar. Because this scar is proof that I survived something crazy. This picture
is proof to myself that I am okay.





#1

#2


So, Self: You are awesome. Your life is great. Your Father in Heaven LOVES you.
He's given you so many trials because He knows that you can be great and He
wants to help you get there.


I know this is the exact same quote as the cat/lion one, but this picture is so
dang adorable!


A few people I've gained inspiration from:
This
article: http://www.beautyredefined.net/to-the-mom-who-taught-me-everything-a-body-image-breakthrough/
Lindsey Stirling: this interview in particular. Also watch her "I'm a Mormon"
video on the sidebar of the article
Andrea Bolles: she gave a short talk in relief society one night about
overcoming an eating disorder and now she's started this cool blog, Creating a
Life I Love
And a few others I won't mention because I think I might embarrass people.

Oh holy crap, I just realized.....Today, January 7 is exactly ONE YEAR since my
LAST CHEMOTHERAPY treatment!!!! Oh my gosh that is the craziest thing ever!!!
HAPPY CHEMOVERSARY TO ME!!!!!!!

Note: I've been very hesitant about sharing this very personal struggle of mine,
in part because I don't want people to comment things like "Oh Kalina you are so
beautiful and skinny, I wish I could be you" or whatever silly something someone
might say. I don't want my family to make comments to me about my body. Any of
my family. But I know I'm not the only one who has struggled with body image. I
think every girl to some degree deals with it every day. I think admitting this
so publicly is a huge step in overcoming it. At times when I am really
struggling I want to be able to look back and be able to read this and remind
myself that it is possible to not be consumed by the desire to be thin.

Posted by Kalina Zufelt at 7:12 PM 9 comments:
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Labels: anorexia, body image, camp mak a dream, cancer camp, chemoversary,
eating disorders, friends, happy, healthy, how to be happy, how to deal with
hard things, inspirational, life after cancer, motivational, optimism



SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 2013


WHO I AM


In light of recent events I have had to do a lot of soul searching. When you are
with someone for 4 years who start to lose your individual identity. Now that
I'm on my own, I've had to get to know myself again. Who am I? What do I like?
What do I not like? I have discovered that I am much happier now that I can be
myself. Because I have found out, or been reminded, who "myself" is. I thought
I'd write it down so I can look back at it in times of doubt.


Who I Am


I like chicken nuggets

I like chocolate
I like Nutella
I love frozen yogurt

I love to run


I have to run to stay sane
I like Lucky Charms and Reese's Puffs and Trix
I sometimes like to eat 4 bowls of cereal for breakfast
I like to eat cereal after dinner

I don't love to cook but I will do it
I don't mind having short hair
I love to dirt bike. I don't know why I let myself forget that and get all wussy
about it 

I want to own a Harley someday
I'm not sure what my favorite color is anymore. I think maybe yellow or teal or
light pink
I sometimes feel like my soul is really old. It is tired sometimes. (My soul
that is)
I think that I will like being a mom

I'm starting to realize that babies are cute and precious. Probably because I
can't have one.
I like Christian rock, country and punk rock
I like Florence and the Machine
I like public speaking
I like to take pictures and to be in pictures
I like to make crafts with my friends

I like to go hiking
I love the mountains

I love my dog

I love my family. Every single one of them- from my crazy aunts, to my quiet
brothers, to my awesome grandparents
I like to be silly

I like to make cookies
I like to be outside
I love to read
Sometimes I like to be lazy
I secretly wish I could get a tattoo

I can keep a secret
I love playing Scrabble/Words with Friends
Lake Powell is my favorite vacation in the world. Next to Thailand

Okay actually Camp Mak-a-Dream is my favorite place in the world

I don't like tennis because I'm really bad at it
I like racquetball
I like perfume but I'm too cheap to buy it
I love picnics
I don't really like to shop
I LOVE monkeys

I love to read
I like surprises
I like humidity and hot weather 
Paul Walker is gorgeous

I am independent
I love playing the piano
I can do hard things



I am ME



Posted by Kalina Zufelt at 3:39 PM 4 comments:
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Labels: being optimistic with cancer, camp mak a dream, cancer, happy, healthy,
how to deal with hard things, inspirational, life after cancer, monkey



SATURDAY, JUNE 15, 2013


OUT OF THE DARKEST NIGHTS COME THE BRIGHTEST MORNINGS


Last week I had the opportunity to attend Camp Mak-a-Dream in Goldcreek, Montana
where I spent the best week of my life. It was a young adult camp (YAC) for
18-40 year old cancer survivors/patients. It was seriously so incredible. I
can't even begin to describe how fun and amazing it was. I didn't realize how
much I needed some cancer friends.

When I first arrived at the Missoula Montana airport on Sunday June 2, I was
scared to death and feeling extremely shy and awkward. I basically haven't
really needed social skills for the past 3 1/2 years so I was unsure if I had
any or not. However, that feeling quickly changed. As we got settled in for our
first night at camp I quickly made friends. By the third day at camp I felt like
I had known everybody for ages. It was amazing to me how quickly we all
connected with one another. I guess there is just something about having cancer
that connects people on a deeper level. The people there were the most
inspiring, kindest and understanding people I've ever met. When you have to look
your life in the face knowing it could be taken from you any minute something in
you changes. The people there didn't judge you. You were just immediately
accepted and loved and encouraged to do/be anything you wanted. I love every
single person I met there and I miss them all a lot.



In the evenings we would have Fireside Chats which weren't really by the fire
but inside, either with the people in our cabin or the whole group (there were
43 campers I think). It was really incredibly to hear people's stories. I loved
that when we would talk about camp people would say things like,
       "This is the only time all year that I feel completely 100% myself."
       "I feel more at home here than I do at my own house."
       "You guys are family to me."
       "At home people are always telling me 'You can't', but here everybody
tells me 'You CAN' and whether I actually can or not you guys are there
supporting me and helping me do my best and pushing me to push myself."
       "I feel closer to the friends I make here than I do most of my friends
back home, even ones I've known my whole life"
       "When I come here I'm not 'that kid with cancer' I'm just a normal kid. I
can be me again."

I write these quotes because every single one of them is true for me too. I was
afraid that I would get homesick, but I didn't. Not even for a second. I really
did feel like I was home being there. It felt like I belonged. And for the first
time in a long, long time, I was truly and completely happy. I can't remember
the last time I felt so happy and whole.

There was so much to do there. In the mornings I would wake up before breakfast
and go running. It was beautiful. Out in the middle of nowhere, there was like 3
roads to choose from, but it was just beautiful mountain country.



There was an Art Barn that had basically every single type of craft you could
ever dream of doing. It was so amazing! I love doing crafts! The first two days
were cold and rainy so I spent a lot of time in there. They had jewelry making,
ceramics, tie dye, every kind of drawing medium, wood working, dream catcher
making, yarn, fabric, things to paint....you name it, I bet it was an option.
The first craft we all had to make was a Warm Fuzzy Bag. We all decorated a
brown paper lunch sack and then hung it up on the bulletin board in the main
lodge. Throughout the week people would write nice notes to you and drop them in
your warm fuzzy bag. Reading the warm fuzzies you got from people was always
super exciting :) Everyone is so nice and makes you feel so good about yourself!
Camp was definitely a self-esteem boost. Especially after what I've been going
through the past nine months.


I'm no artist, but I was proud of this oil pastel drawing I did



There was also a ropes course, a rock climbing wall, horses, zip line, mini
golf, basketball, volleyball, hot tub, swimming pool, foos-ball and pool table,
archery...so much to do! And since we were adults it was fairly unstructured so
you got to choose what you wanted to do. They had a few guest speakers come and
present workshops. One evening we had a drum circle that was super awesome! This
awesome hippie drummer guy taught us a bunch of cool rhythms on these sweet
African drums.



One morning we did a hike. There is a butte/peak right behind the camp that they
hike. Me and my friend Ian made it up pretty quickly and there were a few people
right behind us. But what was incredible was that every person that started the
hike, made it to the top. One girl has to walk with the aid of a cane. She made
it. One boy had a brain tumor and has had to re-learn how to walk and
everything. He made it. One boy has really bad joint damage and said that a year
ago he was confined to a wheelchair and his doctors told him he may never be
able to walk normally again. But last year at camp inspired him and this year he
made it to the top! It was the most inspiring thing to watch these incredible
young people who have been through so much make it to the top of this peak. The
last half of the hike is not easy. Its quite steep. I was so humbled watching
them.



We made masquerade masks out of leather one night for the masquerade dance. That
was way cool. We started with a flat plain piece of leather and cut out the
design we wanted. Then we got the leather wet and molded it to shape and dried
it. Then we could decorate it however we wanted. I airbrushed mine. On county
fair night we had a fruit sculpting contest. My group won, of course! Woo woo
Haley and Jimmy, best fruit sculpters around!




On Wednesday we drove into town (Missoula) and got lunch and walked around
downtown. We got to ride the carousel which I was told is the fastest one in the
US or something? Who knows, but it was super fun to act like a kid and be
totally goofy. The funnest part was the weird hippie dancers in the middle of
the park doing the weirdest dance moves. Me and two of my friends, Ian and
Courtney, decided to join them. It was awesome! There was a whole crowd watching
and it was totally weird, but really funny :)


The hippie dancer guy and his wife.

The dance was super fun. Everyone was goofy and crazy. The last night we stayed
up all night long and took our sleeping bags out in the grass and watched the
stars. It was a big ol' cuddle puddle of awesomeness! One of the funnest nights
ever.






And I've even kept in contact with a lot of the people still! We've had two
Google Hangouts (like Skype but with more people) and we text every day :) Thank
heavens for technology! I really really really hope I get to go back next year.
I miss my friends a ton.



The amazing thing about Camp Mak-a-Dream is that it is offered free of charge to
anybody diagnosed with cancer. You just have to pay your transportation to get
there. They couldn't do it without donations from people. A lot of the staff up
there was volunteer, and there were so many supplies and fun things they
provided us that have all been donated. WOW. THANK YOU to anybody who has ever
donated to them. And to anybody who is looking for a charity to donate to, they
would be the ones. Every person that goes there comes back a changed and happier
person. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity I had to go there. I
really needed it. A really cool testament to how amazing camp is was a statement
from my friend. She looked through all the pictures posted on Facebook from camp
and we were talking about it and she said, "Everyone just looked so happy in all
the pictures." It's true. Everyone there is just so happy.


My amazing cabin leader Sarah. She was the funnest girl in the world. She was
also from Salt Lake. She got her cool pants in Africa and I got mine in
Thailand. Someone asked us "so are those cool pants like a Utah thing or
something?" It was super funny




The saddest part about camp was when we had a Celebration of Life. Early one
morning those who wanted to, gathered by the memorial wall and spent some time
honoring those who couldn't make it to camp this year. It was heartbreaking to
know that some of the people my friends knew hadn't lived to make it back to
camp. It made having cancer so much more real to me. I couldn't stand to lose
anybody I met this year. It's hard to believe that some people don't make it.
Everyone at camp is so full of life. So bright and happy. But I guess that's why
everyone there is so much more loving. We have all learned to appreciate life so
much more. You learn that life is to be cherished and there isn't time to do
anything but love people and live in the moment. Every person there has learned
to live in the moment and be grateful for what they have. If you wanted you
could light a floating candle to honor someone who had passed on.



I am so glad I got to go to this camp. It allowed me to find myself and remember
who I am. It allowed to me be happier than I can remember being. It was truly a
testament to me that after the hardest darkest times in your life will always
come incredible times of joy. There will always be opposition, but the happy
times remind you that its all worth it :)


Posted by Kalina Zufelt at 9:26 PM 4 comments:
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Labels: being optimistic with cancer, best day ever, camp mak a dream, cancer
camp, friends, happy, how to be happy, how to deal with hard things, never give
up, optimism, ovarian cancer

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When the sun shines out your bum??




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