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A REFLECTION: THE HEALING POWER OF A NATIONAL DAY OF MOURNING

Posted on August 16, 2024 by admin
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By: Rivka Hadad

It has been ten months. Ten months of shock and grief from October 7th. Ten
months of fear and uncertainty for our soldiers. Ten months of horror and hope
for our hostages. Ten months of exile and displacement due to threats on the
Northern border. Recently, these challenges have been compounded by fears of a
multi-front war instigated by Hezbollah and Iran. The feeling of fatigue and
battle-weariness is palpable, yet there is also an underlying tension as if a
ticking time bomb is about to explode. And then Tisha B’Av came.

Tisha B’Av, a day synonymous with calamity and brokenness, has surprisingly
brought a ray of light and healing. Allow me to explain. Research by Colin
Wastell in Australia shows that suppressing our emotional responses to
trauma—whether through withdrawal or acting out—leads to physical and
psychological stress. Trauma energy becomes trapped within us, disrupting our
ability to connect with ourselves, others, and the world. The key to alleviating
this is externalizing our trauma.

For the past ten months, Israel has been in a state of chronic trauma due to the
war. This is challenging to heal as it leaves no room for imagining an
alternative reality. Yet, through the principles of Tisha B’Av, I tapped into
the three essential steps to healing complex trauma.

 1. Space for Expression
    In His infinite wisdom, G-d gave the Jewish nation Tisha B’Av—a day of
    national mourning. This day is set aside for us to confront our brokenness.
    We are commanded to sit on the floor and mourn our loss and pain. This helps
    externalize and distance us from our trauma, creating space for healing. A
    friend shared that hearing the stories of the heroes from October 7th
    provided a language for months of pent-up emotions. It allowed her to let
    the pain of the past and the anxiety about the future flow through her.
    Ironically, thanks to the saddest day on the Jewish calendar, she
    experienced a profound catharsis.
 2. Deep Connections
    Shortly after October 7th, Professor Danny Brom, founder and director of
    Herzog Hospital’s Meitav Israel Center for the Treatment of Psychotrauma,
    stated in a video that while not everyone requires professional help post
    trauma, everyone needs human connection. Trauma is an experience of
    disconnection, tearing us away from reality. Healing occurs through genuine
    human connection. This concept is echoed in Jewish wisdom: אין חבוש מתיר
    עצמו מבית האסורים a person cannot free themselves from jail [physical or
    psychological]; we need another to help us.
 3. Vulnerable Sharing
    In the lead-up to Tisha B’Av, there is a strong emphasis on Ahavat Chinam
    (unconditional love and Jewish unity). People become more open-hearted and
    build deeper connections. During Tisha B’Av, individuals are also more
    willing to share their vulnerable experiences both personally and
    collectively. This combination of connection and expression creates a
    fertile ground for healing.

While Tisha B’Av does not erase our pain, it creates a space for expression,
sharing, and fosters deeper connections, birthing the path for healing to begin.
Who would have thought that so much light can be brought from such darkness?

Rivka Hadad is a mental health counselor (MHC). She works with individuals
working through various mental health struggles. She specializes in trauma
recovery as well as treatment of eating disorders. 

She can be reached at rivkahadad18@gmail.com

Posted in Judaism | Leave a reply


IMPALAS AND THE TRAUMATIZED TRAFFIC LIGHT

Posted on August 15, 2024 by admin
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What is the key to emotional freedom? 

Impalas are constantly exposed to life-threatening predators who are eager to
devour them without a moment’s notice. At times, the predators succeed in
catching the impala and delivering a ferocious blow before the impala can escape
with its life. Interestingly, immediately post the attack the impala begins
shaking as if in the throes of a terrible seizure. And then, they walk away as
if nothing happened, without the slightest trace of post trauma effects. Through
studying the impala, Peter Levine, author of The Waking Tiger describes the
principle of healing and resilience. Upon experiencing a traumatic reality, our
body generates immense energy due to our instinctual survival nature of fight or
flight, yet we are paralyzed in the moments and the energy is trapped within.
Trauma is being inhibited and weighed down by that energy, healing is through
the release of that energy. The impala emerges emotionally and mentally
unscathed due to their peculiar yet critical post trauma shaking, this releases
all their pent up energy and allows them to live a trauma free life. 



Mr. Rogers famously said, “If it’s speakable, it’s manageable.” When an
experience is too painful to speak about, it’s generally due to it being an
intertwined part of our narrative and how we perceive ourselves. Dysfunction is
the experience of being paralyzed within a dysfunctional reality, due to the
high level of negative energy that is stuck. The negative energy is so
entrenched in our essence that it defines how we understand ourselves, others
and the world. This leaves little space for an alternative reality.
Externalizing this narrative, creates space for a reality that’s more distant
from self and thereby more malleable and susceptible for it to be altered.  

“The opposite of depression is expression.” This was penned by Judith Eger, A
holocaust survivor who was downtrodden by her inhuman experience yet went on to
become a world renowned psychologist and the author of The Choice. The key is to
move through the traumatic experience through any form of expression, be it art,
dance, karate, speech, writing or any other form which feels right. Finding
language to release our deep angst creates a pathway to externalize our trauma
and thereby beginning to heal and live.

This sounds pretty easy, just talk about or dance through the angst and you’re
healed. Yet, those who’ve experienced trauma know that it’s a lot more complex.
This can be understood using the traffic light. We have certain emotions and
realities which are green – safe emotions that we’re comfortable experiencing
and expressing. The list may include joy, satisfaction, care, anger, boredom,
disappointment.

Next is yellow, these are emotions and realities that are uncomfortable, yet
they’re manageable to experience and express. It may require coaching and inner
work, but it’s possible to externalize these realities. This list may include
love, appreciation, sadness, vulnerability, loneliness. 

Last are red experiences. These realities are so painful or dangerous we can’t
even admit them to others or even to ourselves. They are suppressed within,
hidden from view. Yet, these realities are very alive and present and affect the
way we see ourselves, the world, and others. They wreck tremendous havoc in
ourselves and our relationships, yet because they have no name or form they are
free to do as they wish without ever being called out. This may include hope,
intimacy, jealousy, shame, self-loathing. 

Emotional dysfunction is having a disproportionately larger ‘red light,’  in
which emotions and life experiences are threatening and therefore suppressed.
The goal is to move ‘red realities’ into the safer zones of yellow and green.
Health comes from having a larger green light and a smaller red light. The goal
is to move  Now for the big questions, how can one tap into red realities in
order to express them? For that a person needs deep safety. 

Safety is the key to making even red realities hold-able so they can be seen and
externalized. Building safety is both simple and deeply complicated. It’s a
process that requires patience, compassion, and connection with self. 



Rivka Hadad is a practicing mental health counselor (MHC) in Israel. She works
with individuals working through various mental health struggles. 

She can be reached at rivkahadad18@gmail.com

Posted in Judaism | Leave a reply


PARASHA MATOT-MASEI – HONESTY BRINGS PROSPERITY

Posted on August 2, 2024 by admin
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מטות-מסעי


This week’s Parashas – Matot-Masei starts saying that everything that comes out
of a person’s mouth shall be done. Do the vow you made. It can also mean, that
if you are careful to do what you promise, Hashem will fulfill the words of your
Mouth.

Masei talks about 42 journeys that bnei Yisrael takes going from Mitzraim –
Egypt to Israel. Egypt represents materialism and depravity. Israel represents
spirituality and holiness. Like each person goes through 10 trials like the
Avraham, Each Jewish person also goes through 42 stages in their life similar to
the challenges of the places in the Desert we went through – when we make our
effort in our journey to spirituality. The fact that our ancestors already
traced the path makes it easier for us to overcome our challenges in life.

Posted in Judaism | Leave a reply


BOOK REVIEW – SHOMER EMUNIM

Posted on August 2, 2024 by admin
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Circle Magazine for Kids – published a story last week – in the Living Emuna
Section by R. David Ashear – on a rabbi that needed to purchase a building for
his school. He had so much faith / Emuna in Hashem – that when he needed to
purchase a building – he learned a sefer all night on Emuna – Shomer Emunim –
and the next day when he was walking in the street someone donated to his
organization the amount needed to purchase the building. Here is a link t the
book – Called Shomer Emunim – שומר אמונים – חלק א
מחבר ראטה, אהרן בן שמואל יעקב, 1894-1947






Posted in Judaism | Leave a reply


THE GIVE AND TAKE OF MARRIAGE – THE REAL REASON WHY MARRIAGES FAIL AND PEOPLE
DON’T MARRY

Posted on May 27, 2024 by admin
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Falling in Love – Fact or Fiction

It’s called Falling in love. I’m in love. It’s a tactic to get people to marry.

OK. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it does not.

Let’s examine the situation. It is a Mitzvah – commandment – from the Torah for
Jewish Men to marry and have children. It is a Mitzvah from the Seven Noahide
laws from the Torah for Gentiles to populate the earth. Thus getting married is
a Mitzvah for most people.

Searching for the Cold Truth

Some have it tough finding the right mate. Some have it tough once they are
married. So let’s understand the purpose of marriage.

Have a question? Want the Truth? Ask a person who is well versed in Torah. The
general reason for getting married in Judaism is to be able to do kindness to
one another – to ultimately become a kind and good person.

The Foundation of Torah

Once a man wanted to convert to Judaism. He went to the great Torah sage Shammai
and asked – “Please teach me the Torah while I stand on one foot.” He wanted to
learn the foundation that the Torah is built upon. Shammai thought he was
mocking him and drove him away with his measuring stick.

Then the same man went to the great sage Hillel and asked – “Please teach me the
Torah while I stand on one foot.” Hillel said “Whatever is hateful to you –
don’t do to others. This is the whole Torah – everything else is related
details.” Rabbi Akiva said “You Shall Love your fellow as yourself is the great
foundation of the Torah.”

Doing Kindness to Others Starts at Home

If that is the foundation of the Torah – then the commandment of Loving your
fellow is also, intrinsically related to Marriage. When I get married I have an
opportunity to do kindness every day to my wife or a woman to her husband, and
kids. People forget this principle.

The reason – because I am more concerned about the other’s responsibility
towards me – than my responsibility towards them. Many a time a date started off
by one partner wanting to take from the other. The man had desires. The woman
had emotional relationship desires – marrying would serve to fulfill both. But
their reason for marriage was to Take.

Are You a Giver or a Taker – or both

They say it was love – but it was really “fish love.” “Fish love” is when a
person says “I love fish.” The honest person would retort that comment – “If you
loved fish – you wouldn’t pull it out of the water, let it die, scale it cut it
up, cook it and eat it. You don’t love fish you love yourself.” An honest person
should see where are they holding – is their main intention to give or to take?

The Torah says – the foundation of marriage is to give. If each partner put
their sights on giving – rather than taking it’s much more likely the marriage
would last. That is one thing young people should be taught before marriage.
Your job is to give. Your job is to become better. Your job is to give to your
spouse to better yourself.

Some Don’t Marry because they go into the marriage with the Hashkafa / outlook
of the Society – rather than the Hashkafa of the Torah. Society says “You have
RIGHTS!”. The Torah says “You have responsibilities.” Society says “Take”. The
Torah says “Give.” They look at what they want to receive in a marriage. They do
not look at what they can provide in a marriage. I want a rich man. I want
beauty. I want a professional. I want a romantic person. Keep dreaming. Better
to find someone who is similar in Torah values. Someone with whom you have
potential to build a Torah family.

Torah Truth in Marriage

In Torah we want to reach truth. Truth trumps. If you are right according to
Torah and I am wrong – I should follow you. A person should be on the level to
accept truth even if it is not convenient. Thus I tell couples to send their
Children to Torah day schools – because there they get a good Torah education as
opposed to public schools. Torah schools teach Torah values – Public schools
teach decadence. I was outside a public elementary school. They were singing a
Disco song from the 80’s. Yes – that is how a parent wants to educate their
children – with Disco songs?

I also recommend to Intermarried couple – in which one of the spouse are Jewish
– for the non-Jewish spouse to convert to Judaism with an Orthodox Jewish
conversion that will be accepted by the government Beit Din of Israel. Why?

Firstly – look at truth. What is the true religion of G-d. All major religions
agree that the Torah is True. So they agree on that point – the Torah is true.
[If you don’t accept that point – look up Discovery seminar of aish.com] What
they don’t agree upon is – Did G-d change his mind? The others say – Yes G-d
“changed His Mind”. Judaism says “No. G-d did not change His mind. He did not
change the laws of the Torah.” What makes more sense to you?

Secondly – a person who keeps his religion – apparently agrees with their
religion’s past transgressions. Other religions were notorious for persecuting
Jews. Imagine being in a relationship that non-Jewish partners has an “ax to
grind” with the Jewish partner. No thank you.

Bearing Insult for Peace

For the man – who craves honor – should be ready to bear insult to make things
work. To the woman – who craves appreciation – should be ready to bear
non-gratitude – to make the marriage work – until each reaches the level to
understand and provide for the other’s needs.

My Chevruta – Torah Learning Partner – who learns in the same building of the
Jewish Beit Din [court of law] resides told me of a story of a newlywed couple
that divorced. The mother of the bride told her daughter to step on the foot of
her husband under the Huppah – marriage canopy. Some say that it is a segulah –
to assure that the stepper will dominate in the marriage. The girl listened. The
boy didn’t appreciate it. He went to the beit din to break the marriage. Three
mistakes – the mother got involved in the relationship of the couple. Two – the
girl listened. Three – the man wasn’t willing to bear insult.

Self-Improvement through Marriage

But it is not really bearing insult for a man – it is using the ques of the wife
for self improvement. A man thinks – wow – look how my wife disrespected me.
According to Torah a woman at times mimics the man’s actions. If he disrespected
his employee that day – his wife may do the same thing to him – because Hash-m
made the world in a manner that the nature of things is measure for measure.
What you mete out you get back. So if a man instead of wanting to retaliate when
his wife insults him – he should first introspect to see if he did something
similar to someone else what his wife is subjecting himself to now.

The Book “Garden of Peace” for a man – talks about this concept. G-d asked
Avraham, our forefather – why did his wife Sarah laugh when an angel said she
was going to bear children at the age of 90. Did G-d want create discord in
their couple? No. G-d was basically telling Avraham – if your wife is skeptical
about having children at such an advanced age – then she must be reflecting a
imperfection of skepticism in your outlook.

Obviously each gives and takes to a certain measure. The question is are you
trying to develop yourself to becoming more of a giver or more of a taker?

Give up your lofty expectations. Become a giver and see how your marriage will
improve.

Posted in Happiness, Marriage | Leave a reply


THE YOU ARE AMAZING ACTIVITY BOOK

Posted on June 29, 2023 by admin
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At Ohr Binyamin – we are busy making new materials. Our latest project is the
“You are Amazing” activity book.

It is a Positivity Magazine. “Be Positive. Love Yourself. Love Others and
Smile!” A Jewish Interactivity Book – it allows one to take a more positive
approach to life. It allows you to connect with children and others with KID
CONNECT(tm) Questions.

It contains games, Mazes, Positive Statements and more.

Coming Soon to the Jerusalem Life Supersite.

Posted in Judaism | Leave a reply


SEGULAS OF LAG BAO’MER

Posted on May 11, 2023 by admin
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We had a bonfire outside our shul for Lag BaO’mer. This bonfire has various
explanations. Fire represents light. Light represents Torah. Fire represents
Torah. Rabbi Shimon Bar Yoh’ai hid in a cave for 13 years to escape Roman
persecution. There he studied with his son Elazar in a cave. He brought much
light in the world – by illuminating us with the Zohar – Jewish Book of
Mysticism.

Many other segulas and reasons for the bonfire: The Yanuka said – one reason is
to remember that one should prefer to jump into a fire than to embarrass a
person in public. I heard a segula for refuah is to throw a recently used piece
of clothing of that person into the lag baomer bonfire.

Here are the details:

סגולה נוראה וחשובה.

ביום ל”ג בעומר אם יש איזה חולה במשפחה או חולי גוף או חולי נפש. או כל צרה שיש
לאדם יקח האדם החולה וכדומה או אחד ממשפחתו בגד שלו וישליך אל תוך המדורה שנדלקה
לכבוד התנא רבי שמעון בר יוחאי ויאמר אני שורף הבגד של פלוני בן פלונית באש לכבוד
התנא. ויהי רצון שישרף החולי השוכן בתוכו או הכשוף שבו או עין רעה שבו או כל מניעה
וחסימה ושב ורפא לפב”פ.

Here are 10 Segulot for Lag BaOmer

Posted in Jewish Holidays, Segulah | Leave a reply


BLSHKA – TO HELP YOU PREPARE YOUR KIDS IN THE MORNING

Posted on May 3, 2023 by admin
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Getting kids to school on time is challenging.

It starts with them understanding the value of being on time. They learn that
with how parents view time. Do they have to be on time – or getting their a
little late is alright?

Getting into the rote can help. I put together a Mneumonic to help parents
“BLSHKA”

B – Breakfast (Did they eat a Healthy Breakfast?)
L – Lunch (Did they pack their lunch)
S – Snack (Do they have a regular & Healthy snack?)
H – Homework (Did they pack their homework?)
K – Knapsack – (Do they have their Knapsack?)
S – Attached (Are they Buckled or attached when riding to school?)

Feel free to add make up your own for regular tasks. I used to assure my
children ate bread in the morning (Pat Shaharit). So originally – the mnemonic
was PShLSHKA.

Posted in Judaism | Leave a reply


THE COUNTING UP TO SHAVUOT – SPIRITUAL GROWTH AND LESSONS TO PREVENT DIVORCE

Posted on April 24, 2023 by admin
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Starting the Second day of Pesach / Passover we start counting the Omer – a
personal barley offering that is made by farmers between the fesivals of
Passover (for the Jew’s freedom from Egypt) and Shavuot (the receiving of the
Torah.)- a total of 49 days. This counting Corresponds to two countings – one is
what day of the offerings it is in this offering. It also corresponds to how
many days have passed in the counting up of days to Shavuot.

Usually when one looks forward to an event they count down. How many more days
till their birthday, how many more days till their marriage, how many more days
to get out of jail, how many more days to vacation.

So why here do we count upwards? 1,2,3… instead of downwards 49,48,47,… till the
receiving of the Torah.

Rabbi Shimshon Pincus, gives an answer. Let’s say a person was promised One
Million Dollars in 100 days. He would count down the days. But if he was
promised $10,000 dollars a day for 100 days – he would count up the days.

The days between Pesach and Shavuot are 49. To acquire Torah – it requires 48
things. These are listed in Pirkei Avot / Ethics of the Fathers – Chapter 6
Mishna 5. Every day we are supposed to work on a different aspect of growth to
acquire the Torah – totalling 48 days and the last day we are to work on all of
them. Thus we count upwards – because every day between them is a day of growth
– a day to be thankful.

Yaakov Avinu / Jacob Our Forefather – wanted to marry Rachel. Lavan – Rachel’s
Father – said if Yaakov would work for him for 7 years he would give his
daughter’s hand in marriage to Yaakov. The Torah says something puzzling – for
Yaakov the 7 years seemed like several days. I would think the opposite – when a
person wants to marry – they feel as it is such a long time.

The Answer – Yaakov was preparing himself for marriage every day to be able to
be the founder of the Jewish nation. Every day was a day of growth for him.
Every day he would become better by learning Torah and working to improve his
character traits. Thus for him it seemed like several days.

Three Point to learn

 1. One has to prepare themselves to get married by working on improving their
    Middot / character traits. Some people go into marriage thinking – OK now I
    have someone to serve my needs. But really that is the weak link in the
    marriage chain – because once one of the spouses does not behave according
    to their expectations – the chain breaks. If one entered into marriage
    thinking this is my opportunity to do good to others and to improve my
    character traits – the chain would not break – because the challenges (like
    the wife yelling at the husband, the man leaving his clothes around the
    house, etc.) are seen as opportunities for growth to become a better person.
 2. One should go into marriage understanding that this is an opportunity to do
    good to others and to improve my character traits.
 3. Every day is an opportunity to Grow – Self improvement is an integral part
    of acquiring Torah. To become a Dr., a Scientist, a Professor – one does not
    necessarily need to have good character traits. To become a Torah scholar or
    to acquire Torah one does.

Posted in Judaism | Leave a reply


YOUNG MAN SAVES THE WEDDING DAY – A FORMULA FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Posted on March 15, 2023 by admin
Reply

Recently, a family held a party for the 60th wedding anniversary of their
grandparents. It was a happy marriage – one that was peaceful, filled with
blessing, joy and many children, grand children and great-grandchildren.

One of the descendants asked the grandfather – “how is it that you managed to
live such a peaceful life together.” He replied “Many years ago a person was
about to get married. It was the wedding day and the hatan / groom got cold
feet. He told the Mesader Kiddushin / Marriage Rabbi that he wished to drop out.

The Rabbi – Rabbi Haim Zonnenfeld – realized that it would be a terrible
embarrassment for the bride to not get married on that day. As he didn’t want
the young woman to be embarrassed – he spoke to a group of young Yeshiva
Bachurim / Yeshiva Students – explaining the situation. He promised that anyone
who would volunteer to marry this woman on that day would be blessed with a
beautiful marital life with children and grandchildren. One by one – each
Yeshiva Bachur declined the offer. The last Bachur – recognizing the pain that
the bride would have if the wedding was cancelled – took up the offer. He
decided he would marry her.

The rabbi told the young man to call his parents to tell them to come to attend
the wedding. They came. The couple got married. “You know who was the young
bachur? it was me” he said.

We could say that the blessing was solely the reason for the great marriage. But
apparently – a couple in which each partner is concerned about the honor of the
mate over their own personal concerns – is also a reason and a formula for such
a successful marriage.

Posted in Attitude, Children, Gratitude, Happiness, Jewish Ethics, Judaism,
Kindness, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Self-Improvement | Leave a reply


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