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Female surfer controversially cut from world tour flaunts “revenge film”
backed by activewear giant Lululemon, “We’re all familiar with the way the
WSL rules bend with the breeze and under the weight of sponsors’ cash!”
World’s greatest athlete Kelly Slater, slammed by transgender surf icon as
part of the “far right going mental”, shines in exhilarating video edit
made by teenage surf fan! “That second one broke the speed record!”
BIPOC “Queen of Crazy” Mason Ho, “beautiful and fat” Noa Deane and
surfing’s greatest virtuoso Clay Marzo deliver a masterpiece in
contemporary surfing, “A penetrating glimpse into sport’s most exciting
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RUMOR: WORLD SURF LEAGUE STRIKES BACK AT BETHANY HAMILTON AFTER STAR VOWS
BOYCOTT OVER NEW TRANS-INCLUSIVE POLICY, OUTLAWS “CELEBRATION” OF HER NAME
DURING ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY RITUAL!
Previous
DEVASTATING RUMOR PROVES TRUE AS WORLD SURF LEAGUE VINDICTIVELY CANCELS BETHANY
HAMILTON OVER TRANS-EXCLUSIONARY VIEWS!
"We take pride in our efforts to promote equality and inclusion."
by Chas Smith
* 56
SCIENTISTS MAKE SHOCKING DISCOVERY AT KELLY SLATER’S SURF RANCH FLIPPING EONS OF
CONVENTIONAL WAVE WISDOM ON ITS MANGY HEAD!
Minds officially blown.
by Chas Smith
* 85
SURFER DIES AFTER BEING PULLED FROM WATER AT NOTORIOUS WSL TOUR STOP; POLICE SAY
OTHER SURFERS’ EFFORTS TO SAVE DOOMED MAN WAS “HEROIC”
Popular local surfer dies of suspected heart attack while surfing at stop number
five on the World Championship Tour.
by Derek Rielly
* 51
FEMALE SURFER CONTROVERSIALLY CUT FROM WORLD TOUR FLAUNTS “REVENGE FILM” BACKED
BY ACTIVEWEAR GIANT LULULEMON, “WE’RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH THE WAY THE WSL RULES
BEND WITH THE BREEZE AND UNDER THE WEIGHT OF SPONSORS’ CASH!”
"Do not be fooled by that smile."
by Jen See
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VIABILITY OF “AMERICA’S MOST NOTORIOUS SURF GANG” THREATENED AFTER MEMBERS’
HOMETOWN IS SUED FOLLOWING ALLEGED ASSAULT, “WE USED TO JUST PACK OUR TRAUMA
INTO A COUNTRY SONG, BUT NOW WE’RE IN THERAPY, RUNNING INTO THE ARMS OF
LAWYERS!”
Making a whole town exposed to lawsuits may force 'em to police the beach.
Wouldn’t it be fun to be on the Anti-Localism Surf force?
By Steve Rees
* Comments
37
DEVASTATING RUMOR PROVES TRUE AS WORLD SURF LEAGUE VINDICTIVELY CANCELS BETHANY
HAMILTON OVER TRANS-EXCLUSIONARY VIEWS!
"We take pride in our efforts to promote equality and inclusion."
By Chas Smith
* Comments
56
SCIENTISTS MAKE SHOCKING DISCOVERY AT KELLY SLATER’S SURF RANCH FLIPPING EONS OF
CONVENTIONAL WAVE WISDOM ON ITS MANGY HEAD!
Minds officially blown.
By Chas Smith
* Comments
85
SURFER DIES AFTER BEING PULLED FROM WATER AT NOTORIOUS WSL TOUR STOP; POLICE SAY
OTHER SURFERS’ EFFORTS TO SAVE DOOMED MAN WAS “HEROIC”
Popular local surfer dies of suspected heart attack while surfing at stop number
five on the World Championship Tour.
By Derek Rielly
* Comments
51
FEMALE SURFER CONTROVERSIALLY CUT FROM WORLD TOUR FLAUNTS “REVENGE FILM” BACKED
BY ACTIVEWEAR GIANT LULULEMON, “WE’RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH THE WAY THE WSL RULES
BEND WITH THE BREEZE AND UNDER THE WEIGHT OF SPONSORS’ CASH!”
"Do not be fooled by that smile."
By Jen See
* Comments
101
WORLD SURF LEAGUE’S CHE GUEVARA-ESQUE CHIEF OF STRATEGY LAMBASTS INTERNATIONAL
OLYMPIC COMMITTEE AS “SHAMEFUL” FOR REFUSING TO RECOGNIZE HAWAIIAN SOVEREIGNTY!
A crisis brewing?
By Chas Smith
* Comments
24
RUMOR: WORLD SURF LEAGUE STRIKES BACK AT BETHANY HAMILTON AFTER STAR VOWS
BOYCOTT OVER NEW TRANS-INCLUSIVE POLICY, OUTLAWS “CELEBRATION” OF HER NAME
DURING ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY RITUAL!
Welcome to the culture war.
By Chas Smith
* Comments
142
TORAH! TORAH! TORAH! JEWISH HISTORIAN DEBUNKS DOCUMENTARY’S CLAIM SURFING IS
RIFE WITH ANTI-SEMITISM AND NAZI SYMBOLISM, “SURF HISTORY IS UGLY AND SHAMEFUL
IN PLACES… BUT CONCURRENT TO ALL THAT SURFING IS A SPORT OF REFUGE”
"I have had my car windows waxed for being a non-local, I've been blasted as a
surfing feminist. But any Jew Boy stuff? Fifty-plus years in surfing and
nothing. I mean, zero."
By Matt Warshaw
* Comments
89
ILLICIT LOVERS TJ HOLMES AND AMY ROBACH REEMERGE FROM SURF-RICH MEXICO AFTER
MUCH BUM BUM TOUCHING THREATENING TO EXPOSE SECRET SPOTS!
What happens in Salina Cruz apparently doesn't stay in Salina Cruz.
By Chas Smith
* Comments
10
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SURFING’S CRUELLEST AND MOST BITTER RIVALRY REVEALED IN BREAKTHROUGH TV SERIES,
“KANOA IGARASHI AND GRIFFIN COLAPINTO ARE OSTENSIBLY FRIENDS WHO JUST WANT TO
BEAT EACH OTHER IN THE WATER BUT THIS EPISODE WILL PUT A BULLET IN THAT
FRIENDSHIP!”
"In Griffin's half-cut, vitriolic desire for Kanoa to lose, you might even
recognise something of yourself."
By JP Currie
* Comments
63
BRAVE CHEVALIER DIVES HEADLONG INTO SEEDY WORLD OF ONLINE SURF COACHING PROGRAMS
(PART TWO)!
Be better than best.
By Com Turren
* Comments
27
WORLD SURF LEAGUE CEO ERIK LOGAN TELEGRAPHS “SEISMIC CHANGES” FOR CURRENT TOUR
FORMAT IN EXPLOSIVE NEW INTERVIEW!
"It's about how we're driving the sport..."
By Chas Smith
* Comments
73
10 Interesting Facts About Earth's Oceans
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FROM THE ARCHIVES:BREAKING: KELLY SLATER HITS PHARMACEUTICAL GIANT WITH
BOMBSHELL ALLEGATION AND REVEALS OWN MOTHER’S SHOCK REACTION TO COVID VACCINE,
“MY FRIEND’S MOTHER IS IN HOSPITAL IN FLORIDA RIGHT NOW AND SHE’S DYING SLOWLY
FROM THE EFFECTS OF THE PFIZER VACCINE!”
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* US DOCTOR RESPONDS TO INSANE FURY AFTER SOLO-SURFING JEFFREYS BAY DURING
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN: “I HATE THAT I PROVOKED SUCH ANGER!”
Jeffreys Bay, South Africa: It was tough enough for the hardened surfers to
stand down…
By Craig Jarvis
* Comments
79
* IRON FIST: MANHATTAN BEACH SURFER COPS $1,000 FINE FOR “DISRESPECTING A
LIFEGUARD” DURING “REIGN OF CORONAVIRUS TERROR!”
As a child, I often dreamed about being on the wrong side of the law…
By Chas Smith
* Comments
37
* PHOTOGRAPHER CAPTURES UP-CLOSE IMAGE OF GREAT WHITE SHARK’S “SINISTER SNEER”
THEREBY PROVING APEX-PREDATORS’ PENCHANT FOR “SADISM AND EVIL!”
Of all the things to be scared of in today’s world, pandemic disease,
economic collapse,…
By Chas Smith
* Comments
15
HOT CINEMA
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* FEMALE SURFER CONTROVERSIALLY CUT FROM WORLD TOUR FLAUNTS “REVENGE FILM”
BACKED BY ACTIVEWEAR GIANT LULULEMON, “WE’RE ALL FAMILIAR WITH THE WAY THE
WSL RULES BEND WITH THE BREEZE AND UNDER THE WEIGHT OF SPONSORS’ CASH!”
Last week Morgan Maassen emailed me and promised free coffee if I would run
a…
By Jen See
* Comments
101
* WORLD’S GREATEST ATHLETE KELLY SLATER, SLAMMED BY TRANSGENDER SURF ICON AS
PART OF THE “FAR RIGHT GOING MENTAL”, SHINES IN EXHILARATING VIDEO EDIT MADE
BY TEENAGE SURF FAN! “THAT SECOND ONE BROKE THE SPEED RECORD!”
It is a rare day when Kelly Slater, the world’s greatest athlete, isn’t
courting controversy;…
By Derek Rielly
* Comments
40
* BIPOC “QUEEN OF CRAZY” MASON HO, “BEAUTIFUL AND FAT” NOA DEANE AND SURFING’S
GREATEST VIRTUOSO CLAY MARZO DELIVER A MASTERPIECE IN CONTEMPORARY SURFING,
“A PENETRATING GLIMPSE INTO SPORT’S MOST EXCITING TALENTS!”
Most surfer edits are like very bad coffee. They taste like boiled rags and
they…
By Derek Rielly
* Comments
19
* WITNESS: THE GREAT WHITE “WAS GOING LIKE A ROCKET STRAIGHT AT US. I CAN SEE
IT SO CLEARLY, ITS MOUTH WAS OPEN. I LIFTED MY FEET, GRABBED THE BOARD…”
Once upon a time, before the ubiquitous robot we cradle in our hands and
stare…
By Derek Rielly
* Comments
32
* WATCH: JACKIE DORIAN, BADGER DADDY AND PALS IN “PRETTY PEOPLE OUGHTA HITCH UP
WITH PRETTY PEOPLE!”
This relatively long-form cut of the child prodigy Jackson Dorian, who
enjoyed his thirteenth birthday…
By Derek Rielly
* Comments
17
* WATCH: BIG DADDY HO AND CHILLUN IN “HUSH UP YOUR BLASPHEMIN’, LUCIFER, AND
LET ME LOOSE!”
Yeah, I know, y’seen plenty of Mason and Coco and Daddy Ho zipping through
traffic on…
By Derek Rielly
* Comments
59
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