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LETTERS OF THE RAINBOW




 * About Letters
 * Meet Nora
 * Meet Ruth
 * Write to Us

   


TAG ARCHIVES: MOURNING


BIG LOVE

August 2, 2017dating, heartbreak, love, mourning, relationship, romance, summer,
tobyRuth

Holy shit Nora,

I am so sorry for what you are going through with Toby. I wish he could talk to
you too. But I know he’d just say “Nora, you’ve taken such good care of me and I
love you so much”. It is breaking my heart that this decision is falling on you.
I hope for your sake he passes on his own. I don’t think it’s selfish for you to
want that at all. Someone making that decision for someone they love so much is
such a fucked up thing to have to do, but I know it is unavoidable sometimes. Is
there someone who can be there with you if it comes to that? I don’t want you to
do this on your own! Call a friend from New York and have them hop on a train.
Get some support there, stat. I mean it.

Your story of the bird was beautiful and sad, but I’m glad you received that
message from the universe. It’s ok for you to not know what to do here. It’s ok
for you to not be able to pull the plug. It’s ok for you to not be ready to let
go.

> There is no right and wrong here. Sometimes there’s just an unfair and sucky
> situation. You love the shit out of that little dog, and any way you choose to
> handle this ending is right.

Have every ounce of compassion for yourself you can muster. Toby wants that for
you. He knows how much you love him, no matter what. This is NOT an easy one to
let go of, temporary as all things are. I know you accept that things can’t be
forever, but that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. That doesn’t make it
not hurt like hell.

It feels kind of dumb talking about my intergalactic rainbows when you’re going
through this. Even though my head is in the clouds right now, I’m still here
Nora! Seriously reach out if you need someone to talk to going through this. Or
text me. Or email. Just don’t do this alone. I know you CAN do it alone. But you
don’t need to.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My intergalactic girl is named Jessie. She came out of nowhere (well,
technically we met through mutual friends). My fear over the past couple of
years has been that something inside me broke after Kay and I’d lost the ability
to fall deeply in love in a lasting way. Like I was destined forever to find
wonderful people, but not have all of the passion & peace I once had. Meeting
Jessie has not only proven that fear wrong to me, but exceeded all of my
expectations of what I could feel for someone.

Me, in love.

Please excuse me while I wax poetic for a bit.

> I’ve never felt so sure of a relationship. On my deepest soul level.

This experience is so profound I’m lacking vocabulary for it. Is there something
in Spanish to describe this? “In love” doesn’t do it justice. In love sounds
like my heart–but this is all of my cells, and my heart and soul and brain… lit
up. That’s what it is… she lights something in me that no one has ever lit
before, something I didn’t know was there. That’s the best way I can describe
it.

I realize by normal measurements of time this doesn’t make any sense. But I feel
like it’s being measured on a different level. Nothing else has felt this
balanced. We’re both all in. How the actual fuck does that happen??

possessed-by-aliens-cookie-baking

I have been in love before and dated wonderful people. I’m not discrediting
those experiences. But I have never fallen so hard and so right, so that
something has felt this good. I’m having trouble touching back down to earth.

My heart doesn’t feel big enough to contain all that I’m feeling and I’m afraid
it’s going to explode. In so little time!

> I feel like loving her is going to expand my heart bigger than it’s ever been.

All of my gut stuff and resistance stuff feels like it makes sense now. Yes I
was mad at it, (I didn’t realize you hate my gut too! You should join the
official “we hate Ruth’s gut club”). But it’s like I was trying to guard this
spot for her, but I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. My gut has just been
doing a happy dance since I met her, and it’s like I felt this big sigh of
relief. The resistance and restlessness is gone. No more fighting my singleness
or dating-ness. No more arbitrary dates or goals or fighting for balance. I am
exactly where I want to be. I want to be hers. I want her to be mine. Signed,
sealed, delivered.

> Do you think there are things that are parts of us that exist outside of time
> and place and know better than our present selves?

I know I sound like I’m on drugs right now, and honestly it feels that way a
little bit. We are both afraid the other person is going to snap out of it,
while simultaneously insisting that “I am not going to”. From the outside I’m
sure we’re insufferable. When I’m around her I just want to… stare into her eyes
and have some point of physical contact at all times. When I’m not around her I
think of her all the time. I cannot NOT smile when I’m looking at her. I laugh
all the time. I cuddle in as close as humanly possible and it’s still not close
enough. I want to know every layer of her that makes her who she is. The good
and the bad.

be still, my heart

Physically I feel so, so good with her Nora. We have a shit ton of chemistry and
it’s like I just can’t get enough of her. Everything about her turns me on and
it’s like she IS a strand of a drug designed just for me. It’s flowed so
naturally and is amplified by all of the out-of-this-world feels.

I keep trying to confirm that she is real and not a dream. I will report back
here if I discover she’s been an illusion all along. But it does feel like I’ve
met my actual dream girl, and even though the romantic side of me is ready to
accept that reality, the cynical, logical side of me is still saying “whaaa??
this is too good to be true…” 

I swear I haven’t lost all sense. It’s just…. it’s worth it. No matter what
happens. She’s worth it. I’d risk it all for her. Even if this ends in my heart
totally broken—I can’t not try with her. I suppose I may read these words later
and weep. But I know I’m not going to regret going all in. I believe I deserve a
really big love, and I’m doing this for myself. 

> If you meet your dream girl, and you have a chance with her, is there really
> any other way to proceed other than going all in? Faint heart never won fair
> lady, after all.

Time is going to teach me things in this. I know it’s early. I know we have so
much to learn about each other. My eyes are open. I haven’t forgotten the
lessons the past 3 years have taught me. I feel that I am only here right now
because of the things I’ve learned. I am only ready for her because of the work
I’ve done for myself.



Ok, I think that’s probably enough for one letter. I don’t want your eyes to get
tired from all of the eye rolling. Just accept me as I am Nora! You know I’m a
hopeless romantic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We received a really beautiful letter from a reader who I will call Jane. I am
going to publish it shortly. I’m still thinking about a reply. I know it is
addressed to me, but I think it’d be valuable for both of us to weigh in on it
if that’s something you’d like to do. Look for it soon!

I love you and I’m sending all the good thoughts and love to you and Toby.

Love, Ruth

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From Ruth to Nora


FUCK THAT.

May 10, 2017broken heart, heartbreak, mourning, pets, tobyRuth

Dear Nora,

I have no words. I’m so sorry I didn’t see your letter until this morning.

> Fuck the fucking universe—why little Toby??

Three to twelve weeks?? I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.

This is heart breaking!! I cannot imagine what you’re feeling. I am so angry and
upset for you. And for little Toby–I’m glad dogs don’t understand things going
on, and he will continue to hopefully live in blissful ignorance and enjoy his
time with his most favorite human on earth.

He has had the best life with you, Nora. He is your little family. This is such
a blow, losing him is a huge, deep loss and I am so very sorry this is
happening. I will be thinking of you both and praying for the universe to allow
him to go without pain.

I wish I could say or do something to make this better. FUCK THIS!!! Why is life
so fucking unfair??



Call or text me any time if you need to talk or cry about it. Seriously girl, at
any time.

Mourning with you,

Ruth

P.S. I know I owe you a longer letter, but everything else in the world right
now feels stupid compared to this.

P.P.S. Also, this is not at all the same, because I didn’t have Sweetums as long
as you’ve had Toby and I willingly gave her away. But she died last summer,
after I sent her to live with a friend she got hit by a car, and I really
mourned that, privately. I sat and looked at hundreds of pictures of her and
sobbed and felt guilty for giving her up. Regrets, man. Lily made me this
little memorial of her, living out her last days outside in Alaska and it made
me fall to pieces. All of that to say, you are losing a best friend. I am sure
you will love the shit out of him while he’s still running around by your feet
and give him all the cuddles and treats. I personally love pets more than most
people. Any and all grieving you need to do is valid and don’t let anyone tell
you otherwise.

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From Ruth to Nora


SO MUCH FOR TRANSITIONING SMOOTHLY

May 7, 2017mourning, tobyNora

Dear Ruth, 

Guess who decided to get cancer?



Can you belive this mofo? He’s bouncing on me. 

A couple of weeks ago I felt a small lump on his neck. He was not feeling ill at
all but the lumps were not going away. I made a vet appointment and had him
tested for the origin of the  problem. 

Toby has lymphoma and the prognosis isn’t good. I cannot afford chemotherapy and
I would not really put him through just to extend his life for a couple of
months. He’s on some palliative medications and he will not be in pain. It
should improve his quality of life but not really extend it much. 

> They give him three to twelve weeks. I wish I could tell you how devastated I
> am. 

I sat here yesterday experiencing all five stages of grief, simultaneously.
Today, I got busy and forgot for a couple of hours. But the sadness he comes
back in waves and returns me to reality. 



I am going to lose my baby. I have to put him to sleep at some point. A part of
me, wants to find him dead at some point instead of having to be the one to pull
the trigger. 

This is so unfair. He’s only 5 years old. 

My heart is mourning. 

Love, 

Nora

PS. This is us last Sunday reading Spanish poems. He understands me.



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From Nora to Ruth


NORA / RUTH

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