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IT'S...BRITISH MUSEUM!!!


THURSDAY, JUNE 21, 2007


AT-AT BABY IN '44!!! (BY FUREY)




I'll admit, presidential campaigns nowadays are getting a little out of hand,
starting so early, as the current hubbub about the '08 race certainly proves.
However, every once in a while, a candidate comes along that is so important, so
culturally resonating, that campaigning must begin immediately. This candidate,
is that candidate...


That's right, AT-AT Baby for President! Obviously he cannot run for another 35
years or so, so we've got another 37 years to get this campaign rolling and
inspire the people to vote for AT-AT Baby! The best part is, he IS a baby, so
when he kisses babies on the campaign trail, it won't be super creepy!

So all you civic minded rebels, mount your Tauntauns and Dewbacks, and rev up
your speeders, cause it is time to get the word out. Use the Force... Vote for
Change! AT-AT Baby for President of the United States in 2044!






*This message has been approved by the Council for a Safer Empire*




posted by British Museum @ 10:25 AM 0 comments


WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2006


THE ANNUAL ERPES AWARDS! (BY FUREY)




Yes, folks, it is that time of year again. This Sunday marks the 38th Annual
Erpes Awards, the only award show on television dedicated to the wonderful and
penicillin-riddled world of sexually communicable diseases!

There are many contentious awards this year, of course, but let’s take a look at
just a few, shall we? The hottest category by far is, as usual, the Year’s Best
Sex Scandal. Debra LaFave and her schoolboy sexcapades might have the most media
exposure in this category, but many think the tawdry tryst in the forest between
singer-songwriter George Michael and 58-year-old van driver Norman Kirtland
might steal the show.





But don’t count out the up-and-comer underdog, the hot-off-the-presses
Wesley-Weisz hook-up that is taking the nation by storm!





Now, Paris Hilton may enjoy the Simple Life, but not the Simple Gynecological
Check-Up! That’s why Paris Hilton is walking away with this year’s Erpes
Lifetime Achievement Award! And at the ripe young age of 25, no less! This honor
is only heightened by the contentious and fan-favorite category, Best
Performance in a Paris Hilton Sex Video. Many theorize that Ms. Hilton will earn
the award for the sixth year running, but the Academy of Doctors might finally
give the Susan Lucci of sex tapes her due and give out that sympathy Erpe... You
hear that, Nicole Richie? It might be your year yet!






But these are just some of the exciting categories that this year’s Erpes will
explore, and if you are feeling curious, you can scratch that itch and join in
on the fun! Just tune in this Sunday night for the 38th Annual Erpes Awards,
only on ABC Family! Trust me, you’ll be sore if you miss it!





posted by British Museum @ 11:35 PM 2 comments


MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2006


ASK GUSTOV (BY GUSTOV )




Ask Gustov

Hello there, all you Homos and Englishmen! Gustov here, dealing out all the
"pesto" (wink wink...) you can shove down your throat...celebrity pesto, that
is! About celebrities! Off to the races...literally!

ITEM! Move over, Jews! Looks like HITLER has a new vice...RACHEL WEISZ, that is!
That's right, the star of the MUMMY and the man that brought you THE
HOLOCAUSTare teaming up to make babies! Yes, Hitler and Weisz are putting
something else in the oven...a bun! Rachel and A-Hit were last seen on the
Sunset Strip buying an antique carriage to hold what many believe will be either
one of Britain's top films stars or a tyrannical despot that will do his best to
ethnically cleanse most of the fatherland. Ooh la la!


UPDATE! Well folks, ol' Gustov, not unlike his attempts to woo a certain young
man at the library, has fired one off before he was prepared (note: Hi, Todd!).
Yes, it seems that not only is Hitler dead, but he and Rachel Weisz are on the
outs. It appears from a sonogram and a paternity test that, not unlike in the
'07 Olympics, Hitler was humiliated by a fast, American black man, who it seems
is the father of Weisz's baby bump. Wesley Snipes is currently unavailable for
comment. Apparently, black men can jump, but their sperm can't dodge.

Until next Monday, stay tuned for more celebrity news from your
pal...GUSTOV!!!!!1one!!!!




A note from the editors:

<---Gustov, a very wealthy, elderly, Romanian gentile man with a penchant for
making up celebrity news is now underwriting our efforts here at the Museum. We
don't agree with his stories, his politics, or his taste in world leaders, but
we did need the money. If you don't feel like selling out is the most important
aspect of comedy, you haven't seen Conan lately.




posted by British Museum @ 8:08 PM 0 comments


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 05, 2006


RAWWWRARRR ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!! (BY SPECIAL GUEST CONTRIBUTOR CHEWBACCA THE
WOOKIEE)






















Raaaaargh rarr rawr waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarhg ghaaarl raaah!
Rooooooooooahaaaaaaaaaaarr aaaaaaaaaaaar arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl!
Rooaaaaaaaaaarh aaaaaaaaaaaarh rrrrrrrrrrrrroooooaaaar
rrrrrrrrrrrrrororo aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar oooooorrrrrrgh
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaah ggggghhhrl!


...rrrrrrrrrrrggghl rargh rur!

Rargh rarf roooooarrrhg!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chewbacca the Wookie is property of Lucasfilm, Ltd and is also a Wookiee. He
does several appearances at bookstores across the nation every year, promoting
his series of cookbooks, entitled "Raaaargh!" "Rarrrrgh Arrrrh!" and "Irish
Cuisine and You: AAAAAAAAARGH!"





posted by British Museum @ 7:45 PM 0 comments


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 01, 2006


THE STATE OF THE UNION OF STATES IN UNION (BY THE BM STAFF)






Well, just like the Westminster Dog Show or Rupert's Annual Bowel Movement, the
State of the Union Address has come and gone, or gone and come, for all of you
backwards souls in China. So, what does the President have to tell us this time?





Left: Our Commander-in-Chief, about to assure everyone that their phone is not
tapped...anymore. Unfortunately, sloppy untapping requires Bush to communicate
with us through a series of super sonic hoots.





Issue #1: Human/Animal Hybrids

Bush expressed concern in his speech about the fact that he wanted no part in
human/animal hybrid experimentation. Rather, he'd like to see a spike in people
with better fuel economy.

Conclusion: Someone needs to not let him read anymore goddamned Ultimate
Spider-Man












Spider-Man, catching yet another beef.

(Huh, why are people throwing beef at Spider-man?)






Issue #2: Oil-Hungry America

Bush recently stated that new forms of alternative fuel, such as hampster
woodchips and strawgrass, were the fuels of the future, to satisfy an America
that is "Addicted to Oil". Suddenly thereafter, a crack-dealer somewhere gave a
wag-of-his-finger to the lady sucking his dick. Same fucking thing.

Conclusion: Bush came up with this whole "Alternative Fuel" thing when he ate a
bunch of Asparagus and noticed his pee stank.

Issue #3: The American Worker

Bush wanted it to be made known that "American workers were irreplacable, since
we can't buy and sell people like we could back in the glory days." Many things
went into this statement...facts were not one of them.

Conclusion: ...Oh...Christ, I wanna puke reading this.

Issue #4: War in Iraq (Seriously, are we still there)

Bush constantly insisted that we must stay the course in Iran...oops, I mean
"Iraq". Wait...no I don't. What is the point of building bombs if you don't use
them on children. Less mouths to feed, too!

Conclusion: Dr. Bushlove or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Blow Shit Up.

Issue #5: God Bless America.

That's...not as bad as the rest of it. I suppose he could've said "Satan Curse
America", which wouldn't have been so white of him. I wonder, however, what his
position will be when God starts making Human/Animal hybrids that can only
reproduce homosexually. I always wanted to see kitten-butt-babies. Or
lesbian-beaverdikes.

Conclusion: We're glad this shit only happens once a year.



This has been a BRITISH MUSEUM presentation

Presidential Seal of Approval






posted by British Museum @ 8:20 PM 0 comments


TUESDAY, JANUARY 31, 2006


ONCE AGAIN, IT'S...MUSIC NEWS TUESDAY!!! (BY THE BRITISH MUSEUM STAFF)




Okay kids! Once again, it's time for...

MUSIC NEWS TUESDAY!!!

- It has been rumored that Coldplay frontman Guy That Things He's Sting and
Bono's Bastard Child and Gwyneth Paltrow will be having another baby. What's
this one's name going to be? If it's anything like before, they'll name it after
some random thing that Daddy says...and the BM staff guesses that'll be "Bitch,
you are smothering me with this baby shit!"

-Kanye West continues to shock audiences and white people alike with his most
recent appearence on the cover of Rolling Stone donned in Jesus' crown of
thorns. What'll Rolling Stone be displaying next? Our best guess: Kelly Clarkson
getting raped by a dog while eating an American flag.

-Anybody bought that album by Brand New yet? I heard it's good.

-ITEM! Recently, it was unanimously declared that Japanese people would no
longer be allowed to make anything but techno music! Statistics report that the
country of Japan has done enough in its lifetime to make it impossible to enjoy
any real music whatsoever. Wow!

- Lionel Richie should be fuckin' ashamed of himself. He probably knows why.

-The Grammys will be coming up soon. Who will be this year's most unimportant
piece of trivial music that will not really have any impact on anyone? Check
your local listings and tune in to find out!




BRITISH MUSEUM POP QUIZ!
Which one of these celebrities is trying too hard?







A) Norah Jones


















B) Justin Timberlake


















C) Adam Levine of Maroon 5












The Answer is:

None of the Above. None of these people is trying very hard at all. Tut tut,
Hollywood!




posted by British Museum @ 12:27 PM 1 comments


THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 2006


THE PURPLE FINGER OF DEATH!!! (BY JIMMY)













Above: Democracy eats a steaming load of it...again.

So, Palestine held its elections yesterday. What a sight, the thousands of
people in a troubled region, frought with turmoil, look to democracy to steer
them through the rocks of ruin. How amazing! They chose a leader! A party to
shepherd them into a new horizon! And they went with...Hamas. Yep, they chose
the terrorist organization that is now calling for a war on the West and on
Israel. You figure, "Well, I guess this proves it. These people really need
something besides the democracy we've spent our children's futures to give to
them. What can we do now?" Well, I got this idea.

See, instead of a party, let's find one guy to run everything. I mean, the whole
shebang. He can bring in his own people...like his sons and stuff...and they can
kind of direct the larger power that's coming from the central base. But hey,
what if someone doesn't like the leader? Fuckin' tough. Those people should be
gassed. Geez, friggin' crybabies. What we need to keep in focus is the fact that
we've really tried everything...waging peace, waging war, wagging the dog, and
now we give them our precious, limited amounts of Democracy...and for what!??!
So they can elect something WE don't LIKE??? Well, I say we give them a taste of
a different medicine...a medicine we confiscated from another country when we
gave them the gift of free democracy.

So, World...what do you say? Let's try this whole "One Grand Leader" thing on
that little slice of Heaven called the "Middle East". Can't be all that bad?
Right?

I've been hearing that this guy's in need of a job...
shall we vote on it, folks?





posted by British Museum @ 9:55 PM 1 comments

The British Museum is a comedy group formed by students at George Mason
University and their associates. Their dedication to humor is matched only by
their love of popcorn shrimp and gentle caressing.


ABOUT ME

Name: British Museum Location: Fairfax, Virginia, United States

Mission Statement: To prove to our parents that they wasted the last 20-25 years
of their lives.

View my complete profile


LINKS

 * Google News
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PREVIOUS POSTS

 * AT-AT Baby in '44!!! (by Furey)
 * The Annual Erpes Awards! (by Furey)
 * Ask Gustov (by Gustov )
 * Rawwwrarrr arrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! (by Special Guest Con...
 * The State of the Union of States in Union (by the ...
 * Once Again, it's...MUSIC NEWS TUESDAY!!! (by the B...
 * The Purple Finger of Death!!! (by Jimmy)
 * In the year 2525... (by Jimmy)
 * Ocean Life (by Rupert)
 * So...cold. (by Jimmy)


ARCHIVES

 * November 2005
 * December 2005
 * January 2006
 * February 2006
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