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* The Onion * * The A.V. Club * Deadspin * Gizmodo * Jalopnik * Jezebel * Kotaku * Quartz * The Root * The Takeout * * The Inventory America's Finest News Source. ShopSubscribe HomeLatestNewsOpinionLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsVideo America's Finest News Source. HomeLatestNewsOpinionLocalPoliticsEntertainmentSportsVideo Breaking News MOST COMMON STI IN EVERY STATE America is a nation whose strength has long derived from its diversity. Even in the bedroom, U.S. citizens vary not just in their tastes, but also in what diseases they’ve contracted on what orifices while sleeping with each other. That, more than… Breaking News INSTAGRAM ADDS HELPFUL LABEL INDICATING POINT WHERE GIRLFRIEND STOPS APPEARING IN USER’S PICTURES Breaking News HUMANE MEAT COMPANY HIRES ASSASSINS TO QUIETLY SLAUGHTER COWS IN THEIR SLEEP WICHITA, KS—Addressing the need to incorporate more humane practices at its facilities, Cargill Meat Solutions announced Thursday that it had hired assassins to quietly slaughter cows in their sleep. “In order to reduce the suffering of livestock,… Breaking News SEN. MENENDEZ’S WIFE OFFERS TO HIT ANYONE WITH HER CAR IN EXCHANGE FOR DROPPING CHARGES WASHINGTON—In an effort to make a deal following a new indictment accusing her and her husband of conspiring to act as foreign agents, Nadine Menendez, wife of Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), reportedly offered to hit anyone with her car Tuesday in… Breaking News ENCOURAGING STUDY FINDS THERE STILL A BUNCH OF KIDS WHO HAVEN’T BEEN SHOT YET ATLANTA—Providing a sense of hope about the gun violence epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a new study Wednesday that found there were still a bunch of kids in the United States who had not been shot yet. “We reviewed… Opinion AMERICANS EXPLAIN HOW THEY ARE IGNORING THE ISRAEL-HAMAS WAR American Voices PEPPER X NOW WORLD’S SPICIEST PEPPER Breaking News ISRAEL MILITARY REPORTS IT WAS YOU, THE READER, WHO BLEW UP HOSPITAL WATCH Astrology Fact: Did You Know? CC Share Subtitles * Off * English Share this Video FacebookTwitterEmail RedditLink Astrology Fact: Did You Know? Scientists Announce Earth’s Core Can Play Blu-Rays 00:50 Now playing Congressman Interrupts General’s Testimony To Just Reiterate He Loves War 00:54 Now playing Alphas Explain Why They Love Joe Rogan 00:28 Now playing FDA Warns Tying Penis Into Knot Only Prevents 73% Of Pregnancies 00:43 Now playing CHECK THESE OUT Magazine THERE’S NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS News In Photos WINDEX RELEASES NEW 40-STORY BOTTLES FOR STREAK-FREE SKYSCRAPERS American Voices GIRL SCOUT COOKIE PRICES INCREASING News In Photos FLOSS DRAPED AROUND TOP OF BATHROOM TRASH BIN LIKE TINSEL News In Photos $899 SEEMS LIKE A LOT, SALESMAN ACKNOWLEDGES Cartoons NO TRACTION MORE Breaking News MAR-A-LAGO MEMBERS REVEAL WHAT SECRETS TRUMP SHARED WITH THEM Local WHITE COUPLE CRITICIZED FOR CHOOSING FORMER PLANTATION AS VENUE FOR SLAVE AUCTION Local HELPFUL PASSENGERS IN TSA LINE LET AIRPLANE RUNNING LATE FOR FLIGHT CUT TO FRONT Local PARENTS REPEAT WORD ‘GENTLE’ WHILE TODDLER RIPS DOG’S EAR CLEAN OFF LOCAL Show all Local PSYCHIC INFORMS WOMAN THAT DEAD MOTHER IS SAYING SOME PRETTY BOILERPLATE GHOST SHIT Local MAN DIDN’T GO TO DOCTOR FOR LECTURE ABOUT WHAT SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT GO IN ASS Local SWEATING MENOPAUSAL MOTHER STRAIGHT UP TAKES OFF SHIRT DURING DINNER Local PET DOG FORMS UNLIKELY FRIENDSHIP WITH ONCOMING PICKUP TRUCK Local UNIVERSITY INSTALLS RED-LIGHT PHONES FOR CONSERVATIVE STUDENTS BEING ASSAULTED BY PROGRESSIVE BELIEFS POLITICS Show all Politics TROLLS EXPLAIN WHY THEY LOVE MATT GAETZ While most trolls are primarily confined to the worst corners of the internet, some, like Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), live to wreak havoc in the real world. The Onion asked trolls, shitposters, and internet provocateurs why they love the controversial… Politics HOUSE ELECTS KEVIN MCCARTHY’S 8TH-GRADE BULLY AS SPEAKER Politics FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES THEY’VE HIDDEN BRIEFCASE FULL OF SLAVERY REPARATIONS SOMEWHERE IN CONTINENTAL U.S. Politics PROS AND CONS OF KEEPING SENILE POLITICIANS IN OFFICE Breaking News SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN, TRAILBLAZER IN BEING OLD, DEAD AT 90 IN CASE YOU MISSED IT Infographic WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT’S HAPPENING IN ISRAEL AND GAZA Breaking News SENATOR DARKNESS APPEARS ON CNN TO CALL FOR THOUSAND-YEAR REIGN OF BLOOD Breaking News MODERATE U.S. POLITICIAN BELIEVES ISRAEL SHOULD ONLY KILL HALF OF PALESTINIANS Breaking News REPORT: SITTING DOWN IN BARREL OF WATER STILL BEST WAY TO PUT OUT FIRE ON ASS OPINION Show all Opinion ‘AMERICA FIRST’ REPUBLICANS EXPLAIN WHY THEY SUPPORT ISRAEL’S MILITARY Opinion SMALL GROUP OF PARENTS EXPLAINS WHY THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR 60% OF BOOK BANS American Voices BRITNEY SPEARS MEMOIR SAYS SHE HAD ABORTION WHILE DATING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE Opinion WOMEN EXPLAIN WHY THEY WANT TO HAVE ELON MUSK’S BABIES ENTERTAINMENT Show all Entertainment MARVEL FANS BLAST MARTIN SCORSESE AS HYPOCRITE FOR DEADPOOL CAMEO IN ‘KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON’ Magazine THERE’S NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS Entertainment THE ONION’S FALL 2023 MOVIE PREVIEW Entertainment JADA PINKETT SMITH ANNOUNCES SHE’S PREGNANT WITH CHRIS ROCK’S BABY Football NFL PLAYERS SUSPENDED FOR VIOLATING DRAFTKINGS TERMS OF USE Basketball FREE AGENT KYRIE IRVING EXCITED TO ALIENATE ALL POTENTIAL OPTIONS Hockey VEGAS-AREA PAWN SHOP CELEBRATES BEING 6 WEEKS AWAY FROM OWNING STANLEY CUP Football TYREEK HILL SURPRISED TO DISCOVER ASSAULT ILLEGAL IN FLORIDA word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1 mmMwWLliI0fiflO&1