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Business Culture Economy


SANTA CLAUS ADVOCATES FOR LIMITED GOVERNMENT

BYALAN NAFZGER

Dec 15, 2024


SANTA CLAUS ADVOCATES FOR LIMITED GOVERNMENT IN TOY PRODUCTION: “THE ELVES KNOW
BEST”



By C.R. ‘Loose Lips’ Lucchese

North Pole – In a shocking departure from his centuries-old “benevolent
dictator” image, Santa Claus has issued a statement calling for limited
government intervention in the global toy industry. Speaking from his cozy
workshop at the North Pole, Claus, now donning a suit suspiciously resembling a
libertarian think tank’s logo, made it clear: “I’m tired of Big Government
telling my elves how to run the most efficient supply chain in history.”


THE TOY TARIFF CRISIS

Santa’s pivot to a free-market ideology reportedly began after a series of
“naughty” policies from global leaders. The final straw? A proposed
international tariff on imported toys aimed at “leveling the playing field” for
local toy producers. “If I wanted to be taxed for spreading joy, I’d move my
workshop to California,” Santa grumbled, sipping an organic peppermint latte.

Economists warn that the tariffs could disrupt Santa’s carefully balanced trade
agreements, particularly his reliance on outsourced cookies and milk logistics.
“Do you know how many Oreos I consume in one night? Tariffs on cookies alone
could bankrupt Christmas,” Claus said, visibly agitated.


THE ELVES’ UNION WEIGHS IN

Not everyone in the North Pole workshop is on board with Santa’s newfound
philosophy. Bernard, a senior elf and head of the Elves United Workers Union,
expressed concern. “Santa’s been reading too much Ayn Rand,” Bernard said, his
tiny face buried in a copy of The Elf Manifesto. “We need worker protections,
not a free-for-all in sleigh manufacturing. I mean, what’s next? Privatizing
Rudolph’s nose?”



Santa countered the union’s concerns by citing efficiency. “When was the last
time government intervention actually made anything better? Remember when they
tried to regulate reindeer airspace? Nightmare. If it weren’t for my direct line
to NORAD, Christmas would’ve been grounded.”


SUBSIDIZING THE NAUGHTY LIST?

Santa also took aim at welfare programs, particularly the idea of redistributing
toys to balance disparities between the naughty and nice lists. “I have a
system. Nice kids get presents. Naughty kids get coal. That’s the free market of
morality! If governments step in, what’s next? Participation trophies for
tantrums?”

In a rare political alliance, Krampus, the mythical anti-Santa, publicly
supported the statement. “He’s right,” Krampus said in an exclusive interview.
“Bad behavior deserves consequences. If we start subsidizing the naughty, what
incentive do kids have to behave? Next thing you know, they’ll all be asking for
participation stockings.”


REGULATION-FREE SLEIGH RIDES

Santa also slammed environmental regulations on his sleigh, calling them
“overreach.” He waved off concerns about his carbon footprint, pointing out that
his reindeer are powered by carrots, not fossil fuels. “Do you think Dasher and
Dancer are rolling coal? I’m running the cleanest operation on Earth here,”
Santa proclaimed.

Environmental activists, however, remain skeptical. “Sure, the sleigh is green,”
said Greta Thunberg in a tweet. “But does Santa offset his gift-wrap emissions?
I don’t think so.”




COOKIES AND CAPITALISM

Santa’s workshop is doubling down on its capitalist roots by offering a premium
line of “Nice List Platinum” subscriptions. For a modest fee, parents can
guarantee their children a spot on the nice list, complete with expedited gift
delivery. “Think of it as free-market holiday cheer,” Santa explained. “Why
should the magic of Christmas be shackled by bureaucratic quotas?”

Critics accuse Claus of turning Christmas into a corporate enterprise. “This is
just another way for the one percent to get all the good toys,” said Bernard the
elf. Santa dismissed the complaints as “socialist grumbling.”


THE PUBLIC REACTS

Global reaction has been mixed. A survey by the North Pole Gazette found that
while 65% of respondents supported Santa’s call for limited government, 20%
believed he had been influenced by corporate interests. Another 15% just wanted
to know why they still haven’t received the pony they asked for in 1998.

“I think Santa is onto something,” said Marcus Trent, a father of three. “Why
should my tax dollars subsidize other kids’ Hot Wheels? If my son works hard, he
should get the Power Wheels Jeep Wrangler he deserves.”

Meanwhile, seven-year-old Lisa from Seattle disagreed. “Santa’s being mean,” she
said, clutching her Raggedy Ann doll. “I think everyone should get toys, even if
they were kind of naughty. It’s not fair.” Santa reportedly responded to Lisa
with a shrug and a candy cane.




A NEW ERA OF CLAUS CAPITALISM

Santa ended his press conference by declaring a new slogan for his workshop: “In
toys we trust; in government we don’t.” He also announced plans to launch a
libertarian podcast titled Freedom in the Snow: Santa’s Workshop Unchained.

While critics remain skeptical, one thing is clear: Santa’s pivot to limited
government has sparked a global debate about Christmas economics. As he climbed
aboard his sleigh, Claus left reporters with one last message: “Merry Christmas
to all—and may the free market bless us, every one!”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: This story is a collaboration between a sentient farmer, a cowboy,
and possibly a peppermint-fueled elf. It’s entirely satire. Please don’t sue
Santa; he’s already overwhelmed with legal filings from the Easter Bunny.

Bohiney.com – Santa Claus in a modern workshop at the North Pole, wearing a suit
with a libertarian think tank logo, giving a — Santa Claus & Limited Government




POST NAVIGATION

The Fall of the Chunky Sweater Empire


A Problem at Santa’s Workshop

BY ALAN NAFZGER

Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on
a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern
State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University
College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young
people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels
and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin's Body,
produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the
Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina
of Quitaque. Contact: nafzger@bohiney.com

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