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Accessibility statementSkip to main content Democracy Dies in Darkness SubscribeSign in Advertisement Democracy Dies in Darkness AdviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice AdviceAsk ElaineAsking EricAsk SahajCarolyn HaxMiss MannersParenting AdviceWork Advice CAROLYN HAX: A CHEATER’S NEW FIANCÉE WANTS TO HEAR HIS EX’S SIDE OF THE STORY Cheating ex asked letter writer not to tell his new fiancée about his infidelity — but the fiancée keeps texting. 3 min 960 (Illustration by Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post) Column by Carolyn Hax November 25, 2024 at 12:00 a.m. EST Adapted from an online discussion. Dear Carolyn: I’m divorced because I caught my then-husband cheating on me. He tried to deny it, make me think I was crazy, but I had the proof, so that was that. Subscribe for unlimited access to The Post Save up to 83% for a limited time. Get your first year for €0.99 every four weeks I hadn’t heard from him in well over a year until he called me out of the blue. He asked me not to tell his fiancée that he’d cheated on me. I assured him I had no intention of involving myself in his life, but then he told me she wants to talk to me and ask about why the marriage ended before she’ll agree to marry him. Skip to end of carousel ABOUT CAROLYN HAX (For The Washington Post) I’ve written an advice column at The Post since 1997. If you want advice, you can send me your questions here (believe it or not, every submission gets read). If you don’t want to miss a column, you can sign up for my daily newsletter. I also do a live chat with readers every Friday: You can submit a question in advance or join me live. Follow me on Facebook and Instagram. End of carousel I don’t know what makes her want to do this and I don’t care, but I’m betting it was something sketchy he did. I told him I won’t lie but I won’t talk to her, either. But now she keeps texting me asking to talk. Should I keep dodging her, or do I owe this woman the truth? Story continues below advertisement — Anonymous Advertisement Anonymous: She obviously already knows it, or else she wouldn’t feel such urgency to talk to you. She just doesn’t want to know it yet. 🗣️ Follow Advice Follow Memo to anyone trying to hunt down information like this: You already know. Trust yourself. Thank you. That’s a way you can respond to her, if you want. “I choose not to get involved in anything to do with my ex-husband. Maybe the urgency you feel to know the reason I divorced him is telling you what you need to know.” Or you can block her, or you can just talk to her and do a sister a solid. Put a quick stop to the gong show this has become. Tell others he’s pressuring you, and make sure he knows that others know. Story continues below advertisement Finally, the next time anyone comes to you asking you not to tell something, please say, “I won’t make that promise.” Especially if he gives out your number. Bonus celestial points if you say, “And stop asking people to lie for you.” Advertisement Then you’re free to follow your own judgment as the situation evolves vs. being boxed in by a promise to someone who: 1. Has stuff to hide and refuses to stop generating more. 2. Openly intends to deceive someone … no, wait, not just someone, his next wife. 3. Extracted your promise under incomplete pretenses. I’ll let you ask your conscience whether you owe her the truth, but, at this point, you might owe it to yourself to tell her. Discuss. Story continues below advertisement Hi Carolyn! For my job, I have to call people I’ve never met, whose names I’ve only been sent in writing, and I have no idea how to pronounce them. What’s the best way to open up the call? I usually guess at the pronunciation, but I feel like it’s offensive and off-putting to butcher someone’s name, especially when I’m basically cold-calling them. I want to be mindful of other cultures and not seem xenophobic or ignorant. Advertisement — Anonymous Anonymous: Have you tried running the names through a pronunciation tool first? That will at least get you close. Re: Names: Just say, “I’m calling for Chytxlgn Bordigtvnagen, I’m not sure I’ve got the pronunciation right.” Approximately 0 percent of people get my last name correct. There are several ways it could be pronounced by looking at it, none of them correct. I don’t care as long as someone tries. What matters isn’t how you say something the first time; what matters is that you make an effort once you know. — Ynahnyhmys MORE FROM CAROLYN HAX From the archive: Fiance’s family insists on an open bar. He needs a shot of courage. Girlfriend’s problems with food are hard to swallow Husband’s stay-at-home solidarity isn’t really serving anyone Aging father won’t ‘sit still’ and stop doing projects In-laws keep bringing meat dishes to vegetarian new mom More: Sign up for Carolyn’s email newsletter to get her column delivered to your inbox each morning. Carolyn has a Q&A with readers on Fridays. Read the most recent live chat here. The next chat is Nov 22 at 12 p.m. Resources for getting help. Frequently asked questions about the column. Chat glossary Show more Share 960 Comments NewsletterThursdays for 12 weeks Voraciously: Meal Plan of Action Dinner needs a game plan. Menus and meal prep guides for the week ahead — every Thursday for 12 weeks. Sign up Recommended for you Recommended by Subscribe to comment and get the full experience. 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