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* The
Rules
* The
Lexicon
* The
Articles
THE RULES
We are the Keepers of the Cog. In so being, we also maintain the sacred text
wherein lie the simple truths of cycling etiquette known as The Rules. It is in
our trust to maintain and endorse this list.
The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the
end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into
your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and
function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.
See also The Prophet’s Prayer.
1. // Obey The Rules.
2. // Lead by example.It is forbidden for someone familiar with The Rules to
knowingly assist another person to breach them.1
3. // Guide the uninitiated.No matter how good you think your reason is to
knowingly breach The Rules, it is never good enough.
4. // It’s all about the bike. It is, absolutely, without question,
unequivocally, about the bike. Anyone who says otherwise is obviously a
twatwaffle.
5. // Harden The Fuck Up. 2,20
6. // Free your mind and your legs will follow.Your mind is your worst enemy.
Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike. Once the pedals
start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of
the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls
over the road.
7. // Tan lines should be cultivated and kept razor sharp.Under no
circumstances should one be rolling up their sleeves or shorts in an effort
to somehow diminish one’s tan lines. Sleeveless jerseys are under no
circumstances to be employed.
8. // Saddles, bars, and tires shall be carefully matched.3Valid options are:
Match the saddle to the bars and the tires to black; or
Match the bars to the color of the frame at the top of the head tube and
the saddle to the color of the frame at the top of the seat tube and the
tires to the color where they come closest to the frame; or
Match the saddle and the bars to the frame decals; or
Black, black, black
9. // If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass.
Period.Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and
wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or
inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the
morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon
seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across
their face. This is a rider who loves the work.
10. // It never gets easier, you just go faster.As this famous quote by Greg
LeMan tells us, training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard. To
put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a
gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is
tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.4
11. // Family does not come first. The bike does.Sean Kelly, being interviewed
after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën
AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to
which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then
me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes
first.”21
12. // The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.While the minimum number of
bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the
number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as
s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation
from your partner.
13. // If you draw race number 13, turn it upside down.Paradoxically, the same
mind that holds such control over the body is also woefully fragile and
prone to superstitious thought. It fills easily with doubt and is
distracted by ancillary details. This is why the tape must always be
perfect, the machine silent, the kit spotless. And, if you draw the unlucky
Number 13, turn it upside down to counter-act its negative energy.
14. // Shorts should be black.Team-issue shorts should be black, with the
possible exception of side-panels, which may match the rest of the team
kit.
15. // Black shorts should also be worn with leader’s jerseys.Black shorts, or
at least standard team-kit shorts, must be worn with Championship jerseys
and race leadership jerseys. Don’t over-match your kit, or accept that you
will look like a douche.
16. // Respect the jersey.Championship and race leader jerseys must only be
worn if you’ve won the championship or led the race.
17. // Team kit is for members of the team.Wearing Pro team kit is also
questionable if you’re not paid to wear it. If you must fly the colors of
Pro teams, all garments should match perfectly, i.e no Mapei jersey with
Kelme shorts and Telekom socks.
18. // Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.No baggy shorts and
jerseys while riding the road bike. No lycra when riding the mountain bike
(unless racing XC). Skin suits only for cyclocross.
19. // Introduce Yourself.If you deem it appropriate to join a group of riders
who are not part of an open group ride and who are not your mates, it is
customary and courteous to announce your presence. Introduce yourself and
ask if you may join the group. If you have been passed by a group, wait for
an invitation, introduce yourself, or let them go. The silent joiner is
viewed as ill-mannered and Anti-V. Conversely, the joiner who can’t shut
their cakehole is no better and should be dropped from the group at first
opportunity.
20. // There are only three remedies for pain.These are:
If your quads start to burn, shift forward to use your hamstrings and
calves, or
If your calves or hamstrings start to burn, shift back to use your quads,
or
If you feel wimpy and weak, meditate on Rule #5 and train more!
21. // Cold weather gear is for cold weather.Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe
covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman,
when the weather warrants their use. If it isn’t wet or cold, save your
Flandrian Best for Flemish weather.
22. // Cycling caps are for cycling.Cycling caps can be worn under helmets, but
never when not riding, no matter how hip you think you look. This will
render one a douche, and should result in public berating or beating. The
only time it is acceptable to wear a cycling cap is while directly engaged
in cycling activities and while clad in cycling kit. This includes
activities taking place prior to and immediately after the ride such as
machine tuning and tire pumping. Also included are cafe appearances for
pre-ride espressi and post-ride pub appearances for body-refueling ales
(provided said pub has sunny, outdoor patio – do not stray inside a pub
wearing kit or risk being ceremoniously beaten by leather-clad biker
chicks). Under these conditions, having your cap skull-side tipped
jauntily at a rakish angle is, one might say, de rigueur. All good things
must be taken in measure, however, and as such it is critical that we let
sanity and good taste prevail: as long as the first sip of the relevant
caffeine or hop-based beverage is taken whilst beads of sweat, snow, or
rain are still evident on one’s brow then it is legitimate for the cap to
be worn. However, once all that remains in the cranial furrows is salt, it
is then time to shower, throw on some suitable aprés-ride attire (a woollen
Molteni Arcore training top circa ’73 comes to mind) and return to the bar,
folded copy of pastel-coloured news publication in hand, ready for formal
fluid replacement. It is also helpful if you are a Giant of the Road, as
demonstrated here, rather than a giant douchebag. 5
23. // Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.You may only employ the
aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be
engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go
fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep
you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is
only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung
the top end out of your block. Tucking prematurely while descending is the
antithesis of Casually Deliberate. For more on riding fast downhill see
Rule #64 and Rule #85.
24. // Speeds and distances shall be referred to and measured in kilometers.
This includes while discussing cycling in the workplace with your
non-cycling coworkers, serving to further mystify our sport in the web of
their Neanderthalic cognitive capabilities. As the confused expression
spreads across their unibrowed faces, casually mention your shaved legs.
All of cycling’s monuments are measured in the metric system and as such
the English system is forbidden.
25. // The bikes on top of your car should be worth more than the car. Or at
least be relatively more expensive. Basically, if you’re putting your
Huffy on your Rolls, you’re in trouble, mister. Remember what Sean said.
26. // Make your bike photogenic.When photographing your bike, gussy her up
properly for the camera. Some parameters are firm: valve stems at 6
o’clock. Cranks never at 90 or 180 degrees. Others are at your discretion,
though the accepted practices include putting the chain on the big dog, and
no bidons in the cages.
27. // Shorts and socks should be like Goldilocks.Not too long and not too
short. (Disclaimer: despite Sean Yates’ horrible choice in shorts length,
he is a quintessential hard man of cycling and is deeply admired by the
Velominati. Whereas Armstrong’s short and sock lengths are just plain
wrong.) No socks is a no-no, as are those ankle-length ones that should
only be worn by female tennis players.
28. // Socks can be any damn colour you like.White is old school cool. Black is
cool too, but were given a bad image by a Texan whose were too long. If
you feel you must go colored, make sure they damn well match your kit. Tip:
DeFeet Wool-E-Ators rule.
29. // No European Posterior Man-Satchels.Saddle bags have no place on a road
bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
30. // No frame-mounted pumps.Either Co2 cannisters or mini-pumps should be
carried in jersey pockets (See Rule #31). The only exception to this rule
is to mount a Silca brand frame pump in the rear triangle of the frame,
with the rear wheel skewer as the pump mount nob, as demonstrated by
members of the 7-Eleven and Ariostea pro cycling teams. As such, a frame
pump mounted upside-down and along the left (skewer lever side) seat stay
is both old skool and Euro and thus acceptable. We restate at this time
that said pump may under no circumstances be a Zefal and must be made by
Silca. Said Silca pump must be fitted with a Campagnolo head. It is
acceptable to gaffer-tape a mini-pump to your frame when no C02 cannisters
are available and your pockets are full of spare kit and energy gels.
However, the rider should expect to be stopped and questioned and may be
required to empty pockets to prove there is no room in them for the pump.
31. // Spare tubes, multi-tools and repair kits should be stored in jersey
pockets.If absolutely necessary, in a converted bidon in a cage on bike.
Or, use one of these.
32. // Humps are for camels: no hydration packs.Hydration packs are never to be
seen on a road rider’s body. No argument will be entered into on this. For
MTB, they are cool.
33. // Shave your guns.Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for
some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out
plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your
way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife,
use Baxter to keep them smooth.
34. // Mountain bike shoes and pedals have their place.On a mountain bike.
35. // No visors on the road.Road helmets can be worn on mountain bikes, but
never the other way around. If you want shade, see Rule #22.
36. // Eyewear shall be cycling specific.No Aviator shades, blueblockers, or
clip-on covers for eye glasses.
37. // The arms of the eyewear shall always be placed over the helmet straps.No
exceptions. This is for various reasons that may or may not matter; it’s
just the way it is.
38. // Don’t Play Leap Frog.Train Properly: if you get passed by someone, it is
nothing personal, just accept that on the day/effort/ride they were
stronger than you. If you can’t deal, work harder. But don’t go playing
leap frog to get in front only to be taken over again (multiple times)
because you can’t keep up the pace. Especially don’t do this just because
the person overtaking you is a woman. Seriously. Get over it.
39. // Never ride without your eyewear.You should not make a habit of riding
without eyewear, although approved extenuating circumstances include fog,
overheating, and lighting condition. When not worn over the eyes, they
should be neatly tucked into the vents of your helmet. If they don’t fit,
buy a new helmet. In the meantime you can wear them backwards on the back
of your head or carefully tuck them into your jersey pocket, making sure
not to scratch them on your tools (see item 31).
40. // Tires are to be mounted with the label centered over the valve stem.Pro
mechanics do it because it makes it easier to find the valve. You do this
because that’s the way pro mechanics do it. This will save you precious
seconds while your fat ass sits on the roadside fumbling with your CO2
after a flat. It also looks better for photo opportunities. Note: This
obviously only applies to clinchers as tubulars don’t give you a choice.
41. // Quick-release levers are to be carefully positioned.Quick release angle
on the front skewer shall be an upward angle which tightens just aft of the
fork and the rear quick release shall tighten at an angle that bisects
angle between the seat and chain stays. It is acceptable, however, to have
the rear quick release tighten upward, just aft of the seat stay, when the
construction of the frame or its dropouts will not allow the preferred
positioning. For Time Trial bikes only, quick releases may be in the
horizontal position facing towards the rear of the bike. This is for
maximum aero effect.9
42. // A bike race shall never be preceded with a swim and/or followed by a
run.If it’s preceded with a swim and/or followed by a run, it is not called
a bike race, it is called duathlon or a triathlon. Neither of which is a
bike race. Also keep in mind that one should only swim in order to prevent
drowning, and should only run if being chased. And even then, one should
only run fast enough to prevent capture.
43. // Don’t be a jackass.But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny
jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.
44. // Position matters.In order to find the V-Locus, a rider’s handlebars on
their road bike must always be lower than their saddle. The only exception
to this is if you’re revolutionizing the sport, in which case you must also
be prepared to break the World Hour Record. The minimum allowable tolerance
is 4cm; there is no maximum, but people may berate you if they feel you
have them too low.
45. // Slam your stem.A maximum stack height of 2cm is allowed below the stem
and a single 5mm spacer must always – always – be stacked above. A “slammed
down” stack height is preferable; meaning that the stem is positioned
directly on the top race of the headset.
46. // Keep your bars level.Handlebars will be mounted parallel to the ground
or angled slightly upward. While they may never be pointed down at all,
they may be angled up slightly; allowed handlebar tilt is to be between 180
and 175 degrees with respect to the level road. The brake levers will
preferably be mounted such that the end of the brake lever is even with the
bottom of the bar. Modern bars, however, dictate that this may not always
be possible, so tolerances are permitted within reason. Brake hoods should
not approach anything near 45 degrees, as some riders with poor taste have
been insisting on doing.
47. // Drink Tripels, don’t ride triples.Cycling and beer are so intertwined we
may never understand the full relationship. Beer is a recovery drink, an
elixir for post-ride trash talking and a just plain excellent thing to pour
down the neck. We train to drink so don’t fool around. Drink quality beer
from real breweries. If it is brewed with rice instead of malted barley or
requires a lime, you are off the path. Know your bittering units like you
know your gear length. Life is short, don’t waste it on piss beer.
48. // Saddles must be level and pushed back.The seating area of a saddle is to
be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level.
Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the
saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position
that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle
exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs
and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy. The midpoint of
the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not
be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through
the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule #44.)
49. // Keep the rubber side down.It is completely unacceptable to intentionally
turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances.
Besides the risk of scratching the saddle, levers and stem, it is
unprofessional and a disgrace to your loyal steed. The risk of the bike
falling over is increased, wheel removal/replacement is made more difficult
and your bidons will leak. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an
upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing. This Rule also
applies to upside down saddle-mount roof bars.23
50. // Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.No full beards, no moustaches.
Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with
“Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One
may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your
virility, and you need that to kick ass.
51. // Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms.While we hate cancer,
isn’t it better to just donate some money and not have to advertise the
fact for the next five years? You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed
on your forehead. Or you may well be a bogan.
52. // Drink in Moderation.Bidons are to be small in size. 500-610ml maximum,
no extra large vessels are to be seen on one’s machine. Two cages can be
mounted, but only one bidon on rides under two hours is to be employed.
Said solo bidon must be placed in the downtube cage only. You may only ride
with a bidon in the rear cage if you have a front bidon, or you just handed
your front bidon to a fan at the roadside and you are too busy crushing
everyone to move it forward until you take your next drink. Bidons should
match each other and preferably your bike and/or kit. The obvious exception
is the classic Coca-Cola bidon which by default matches any bike and/or kit
due to its heritage. Coca-Cola should only be consumed flat and near the
end of a long ride or all-day solo breakaway on the roads of France.
53. // Keep your kit clean and new.As a courtesy to those around you, your kit
should always be freshly laundered, and, under no circumstances should the
crackal region of your shorts be worn out or see-through.
54. // No aerobars on road bikes.Aerobars or other clip-on attachments are
under no circumstances to be employed on your road bike. The only exception
to this is if you are competing in a mountain timetrial.
55. // Earn your turns.If you are riding down a mountain, you must first have
ridden up the mountain. It is forbidden to employ powered transportation
simply for the cheap thrill of descending. The only exception to this is if
you are doing intervals on Alpe d’Huez or the Plan de Corones and you park
your car up top before doing 20 repeats of the climb.
56. // Espresso or macchiato only.When wearing cycling kit and enjoying a pre
or post ride coffee, it is only appropriate to drink espresso or macchiato.
If the word soy/skim latte is heard to be used by a member wearing cycling
apparel, then that person must be ceremonially beaten with Co2 canisters or
mini pumps by others within the community.6
57. // No stickers.Nobody gives a shit what causes you support, what war you’re
against, what gear you buy, or what year you rode RAGBRAI. See Rule #5 and
ride your bike. Decals, on the other hand, are not only permissible, but
extremely Pro.
58. // Support your local bike shop.Never buy bikes, parts or accessories
online. Going into your local shop, asking myriad inane questions, tying up
the staff’s time, then going online to buy is akin to sleeping with your
best friend’s wife, then having a beer with him after. If you do purchase
parts online, be prepared to mount and maintain them yourself. If you enter
a shop with parts you have bought online and expect them to fit them, be
prepared to be told to see your online seller for fitting and warranty
help.
59. // Hold your line.Ride predictably, and don’t make sudden movements. And,
under no circumstances, are you to deviate from your line.
60. // Ditch the washer-nut and valve-stem cap.You are not, under any
circumstances, to employ the use of the washer-nut and valve-stem cap that
come with your inner-tubes or tubulars. They are only supplied to meet
shipping regulations. They are useless when it comes to tubes and tires.
61. // Like your guns, saddles should be smooth and hard.Under no circumstances
may your saddle have more than 3mm of padding. Special allowances will be
made for stage racing when physical pain caused by subcutaneous cysts and
the like (“saddle sores”) are present. Under those conditions, up to 5mm of
padding will be allowed – it should be noted that this exception is only
temporary until the condition has passed or been excised. A hardman would
not change their saddle at all but instead cut a hole in it to relieve
pressure on the delicate area. It is noted that if Rule #48 and/or Rule #5
is observed then any “padding” is superfluous.7
62. // You shall not ride with earphones.Cycling is about getting outside and
into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to Queen or Slayer in
order to experience that. Immerse yourself in the rhythm and pain, not in
whatever 80’s hair band you call “music”. See Rule #5 and ride your
bike.8
63. // Point in the direction you’re turning.Signal a left turn by pointing
your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your
right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that
right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm
elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for
motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it
was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the
passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we
don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your
right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal
just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.
64. // Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.This pattern
continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.
65. // Maintain and respect your machine.Bicycles must adhere to the Principle
of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must
be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully
such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or
post. This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the
World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise
allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm
of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the
sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended
to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to
adversely affect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to
summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.10
66. // No mirrors.Mirrors are allowed on your (aptly named) Surly Big Dummy or
your Surly Long Haul Trucker. Not on your road steed. Not on your Mountain
bike. Not on your helmet. If someone familiar with The Rules has sold you
such an abomination, return the mirror and demand a refund, plus interest
and damages.
67. // Do your time in the wind.Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think
you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work
while you sit on, but races (even Town Sign Sprints) are won through
cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking
risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing
only: poor sportsmanship.
68. // Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.Rides are to be
measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For
climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount
of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their
distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would
assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being
irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23kmh is not something that
should be discussed in an open forum and Rule #5 must be reviewed at once.7
69. // Cycling shoes and bicycles are made for riding.Any walking conducted
while wearing cycling shoes must be strictly limited. When taking a slash
or filling bidons during a 200km ride (at 38kmh, see Rule #68) one is to
carefully stow one’s bicycle at the nearest point navigable by bike and
walk the remaining distance. It is strictly prohibited that under any
circumstances a cyclist should walk up a steep incline, with the obvious
exception being when said incline is blocked by riders who crashed because
you are on the Koppenberg. For clarification, see Rule #5.7
70. // The purpose of competing is to win.End of. Any reference to not
achieving this should be referred immediately to Rule #5.11
71. // Train Properly.Know how to train properly and stick to your training
plan. Ignore other cyclists with whom you are not intentionally riding. The
time for being competitive is not during your training rides, but during
competition.
72. // Legs speak louder than words.Unless you routinely demonstrate your
riding superiority and the smoothness of your Stroke, refrain from
discussing your power meter, heartrate, or any other riding data. Also see
Rule #74.
73. // Gear and brake cables should be cut to optimum length.Cables should
create a perfect arc around the headtube and, whenever possible, cross
under the downtube. Right shifter cable should go to the left cable stop
and vice versa.
74. // V Meters or small computers only.Forego the data and ride on feel;
little compares to the pleasure of riding as hard as your mind will allow.
Learn to read your body, meditate on Rule #5, and learn to push yourself to
your limit. Power meters, heart rate monitors and GPS are bulky, ugly and
superfluous. Any cycle computer, if deemed necessary, should be simple,
small, mounted on the stem and wireless.
75. // Race numbers are for races.Remove it from your frame before the next
training ride because no matter how cool you think it looks, it does not
look cool. Unless you are in a race. In which case it looks cool.
76. // Helmets are to be hung from your stem.When not worn, helmets are to be
clipped to the stem and draped over your handlebars thusly.
77. // Respect the earth; don’t litter.Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do
not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on
the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that
tube when you get home.12
78. // Remove unnecessary gear.When racing in a criterium of 60 minutes or less
the second (unused) water bottle cage must be removed in order to preserve
the aesthetic of the racing machine.13
79. // Fight for your town lines.Town lines must be contested or at least faked
if you’re not in to it or too shagged to do anything but pedal the bike.
80. // Always be Casually Deliberate.Waiting for others pre-ride or at
the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube
thusly. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not
riding it, such as at stop lights.15
81. // Don’t talk it up.Rides and crashes may only be discussed and recounted
in detail when the rider required external assistance in recovery or
recuperation. Otherwise refer to Rule #5.
82. // Close the gap.Whilst riding in cold and/or Rule #9 conditions replete
with arm warmers, under no circumstances is there to be any exposed skin
between the hems of your kit and the hems of your arm warmers. If this
occurs, you either need to wear a kit that fits you properly or increase
the size of your guns. Arm warmers may, however, be shoved to the wrists in
Five and Dime scenarios, particularly those involving Rule #9 conditions.
The No-Gap Principle also applies to knee and leg warmers with the
variation that these are under no circumstances to be scrunched down around
the ankles; Merckx have mercy on whomever is caught in such a sad, sorry
state. It is important to note that while one can wear arm warmers without
wearing knee or leg warmers, one cannot wear knee or leg warmers without
wearing arm warmers (or a long sleeve jersey). It is completely
inappropriate to have uncovered arms, while covering the knees, with the
exception of brief periods of time when the arm warmers may be shoved to
the wrists while going uphill in a Five and Dime situation. If the weather
changes and one must remove a layer, the knee/leg coverings must go before
the arm coverings. If that means that said rider must take off his knee or
leg warmers while racing, then this is a skill he must be accomplished in.
The single exception would be before an event in which someone plans on
wearing neither arm or leg warmers while racing, but would like to keep the
legs warm before the event starts; though wearing a long sleeve jersey over
the racing kit at this time is also advised. One must not forget to remove
said leg warmers. 16
83. // Be self-sufficient.Unless you are followed by a team car, you will
repair your own punctures. You will do so expediently, employing your own
skills, using your own equipment, and without complaining that your
expensive tyres are too tight for your puny thumbs to fit over your
expensive rim. The fate of a rider who has failed to equip himself pursuant
to Rule #31, or who knows not how to use said equipment, shall be
determined at the discretion of any accompanying or approaching rider in
accordance with Rule #84.17
84. // Follow the Code.Consistently with The Code Of The Domestique, the
announcement of a flat tyre in a training ride entitles – but does not
oblige – all riders then present in the bunch to cease riding without fear
of being labelled Pussies. All stopped riders are thereupon entitled – but
not obliged – to lend assistance, instruction and/or stringent criticism of
the tyre mender’s technique. The duration of a Rule #84 stop is entirely
discretionary, but is generally inversely proportional to the duration of
the remaining time available for post-ride espresso.17
85. // Descend like a Pro.All descents shall be undertaken at speeds commonly
regarded as “ludicrous” or “insane” by those less talented. In addition all
corners will be traversed in an outside-inside-outside trajectory, with the
outer leg extended and the inner leg canted appropriately (but not too far
as to replicate a motorcycle racer, for you are not one), to assist in
balance and creation of an appealing aesthetic. Brakes are generally not to
be employed, but if absolutely necessary, only just prior to the corner.
Also see Rule #64.18
86. // Don’t half-wheel.Never half-wheel your riding partners; it’s terrible
form – it is always the other guy who sets the pace. Unless, of course, you
are on the rivet, in which case it’s an excellent intimidation technique.22
87. // The Ride Starts on Time. No exceptions.The upside of always leaving on
time is considerable. Others will be late exactly once. You signal that the
sanctity of this ride, like all rides, is not something with which you
should muck. You demonstrate, not with words but with actions, your
commitment. As a bonus, you make more time for post-ride espresso. “On
Time”, of course, is taken to mean at V past the hour or half hour.
88. // Don’t surge.When rolling onto the front to take your turn in the wind,
see Rule #67, do not suddenly lift the pace unless trying to establish a
break. The key to maintaining a high average speed is to work with your
companions and allow no gaps to form in the line. It is permissible to lift
the pace gradually and if this results in people being dropped then they
have been ridden off your wheel and are of no use to the bunch anyway. If
you are behind someone who jumps on the pedals when they hit the front do
not reprimand the offender with cries of ‘Don’t Surge’ unless the offender
is a Frenchman named Serge.
89. // Pronounce it Correctly.All races shall be referred to by the name given
in its country of origin, and care shall be taken to pronounce the name as
well as possible. For Belgian Races, it is preferable to choose the name
given in its region of origin, though it is at the speaker’s discretion to
use either the Flemish or Wallonian pronunciation. This principle shall
also be extended to apply to riders’ names, bicycle and component marquees,
and cycling accoutrements.
90. // Never Get Out of the Big Ring.If it gets steeper, just push harder on
the pedals. When pressed on the matter, the Apostle Johan Museeuw simply
replied, “Yes, why would you slow down?” It is, of course, acceptable to
momentarily shift into the inner ring when scaling the 20% ramps of the
Kapelmuur.
91. // No Food On Training Rides Under Four Hours.This one also comes from the
Apostle, Johan Museeuw, who said to @frank: “Yes, no food on rides under
four hours. You need to lose some weight.” Or, as Fignon put it, sometimes,
when we train, we simply have to go out to meet the Man with the Hammer.
The exception is, of course, hard rides over two hours and races. Also, if
you’re planning on being out for more than four hours, start eating before
you get hungry. This also applies to energy drink supplements.
92. // No Sprinting From the HoodsThe only exception is riders whose name
starts with Guiseppe and ends with Saronni. See the Goodwood Worlds in
82.24
93. // Descents are not for recovery. Recovery Ales are for RecoveryDescents
are meant to be as hard and demanding as – and much more dangerous than –
the climbs. Climb hard, descend to close a gap or open one. Descents should
hurt, not be a time for recovery. Recovery is designated only for the pub
and for shit-talking.25
94. // Use the correct tool for the job, and use the tool correctly.Bicycle
maintenance is an art; tools are designed to serve specific purposes, and
it is essential that the Velominatus learns to use each tool properly when
working on their loyal machine.
95. // Never lift your bike over your head.Under no circumstances is it
acceptable to raise one’s machine above your head. The only exception is
when placing it onto a car’s roof-rack.
Posts related to The Rules may be found here.
Submit your suggestions in the posts, or via email here.
Credits
1 Thanks to Geof for this submission.
2 Stijn Devolder on Rule #5, in defense of staying in Belgium when his teammates
went off to train in sunny Spain: “It is not so cold that you freeze on to your
bike. You go from a temperature of zero (Celsius) to minus one and you’re not
dead; It hardens your character.”
3 It is possible for experts to mix these matching guidelines successfully
without breaking The Rules. This is a very risky undertaking and can yield
unpredictable results. Proceed carefully and, if in doubt, run your
configuration by the Keepers for approval.
4 Famous quote by Greg LeMond, hardman and American Cycling legend. Greg
Henderson quote courtesy of Neil. (Incidentally, it does not matter how fast you
go, but you may never give up.)
5 Thanks to James for his sound input on modifying this submission from it’s
original draft which read, “An exception to wearing a cap when not riding is: If
you have a soigneur (you don’t) and he places the cap on your head after you’ve
just won a mountain top finish or soloed into the velodrome (you haven’t).”
6 Thanks to Rob for this submission.
7 Thanks to Rob (different from Rob in 6) for this submission.
8 Thanks to Saul at Speedy Reedy for this submission.
9 Thanks to BarryRoubaix for the astute observation regarding Time Trial Bikes.
10Thanks to Souleur for the astute observation regarding the Principle of
Silence.
11 Thanks to Charlie for this addition.
12 Thanks to Jarvis and Steampunk for their tidy ways.
13 Thanks to Cyclops for this sensibly aesthetic addition.
15 Thanks to SupermanSam via our friends at CyclingTipsBlog.
16 Thanks to Rusty Tool Shed and Reid Beloni for assistance in helping craft the
language of this Rule.
17 Thanks to Karim for this most accurate contribution.
18 Thanks to SterlingMatt for this most accurate contribution.
21 There are variants of this story, including one which is more likely to be
the actual way this story unfolded, which goes that Sean Kelly is met by his
wife after a the ’84 Amstel Gold Race and they get in his Citroen AX: “Ah, Sean”
says his beloved wife, “in your life the car comes first, then the bike, then
me.” “You got the order wrong,” Kelly scowls, “the bike comes first.” Thanks to
Oli Brooke-White for helping sort out the details of the story.
22 Thanks to David Ezzy for this excellent contribution and fantastic ride out
to Kaupo and back.
23 Thanks to Donnie Bugno for this most accurate contribution.
24 Thanks to Robert Millar – yes the Robert Millar for filling this most glaring
omission.
25 Thanks to @urbanwhitetrash for the submission.
12,461 REPLIES TO “THE RULES”
COMMENT NAVIGATION
Older Comments
1. Disciple seeking guidance says:
Jun 25 2021 at 5:39 am
Is there a rule regarding the color of valve stems? Clearly not bling
shades but I’m torn from the traditional choices of silver & black by an
almost titanium gray (which would match the frame.) Black rims, some with
silver braking surfaces.
2. Luke says:
Jun 25 2021 at 9:22 am
Given the changes in work-life balance and knowing that bike comes before
work, I humbly suggest to you a rule:
Rule #96 // Zip up your jersey for Zoom calls.
In order to respect your jersey and the words on it, a rider’s jersey must
be fully zipped before joining a Zoom call. No matter how hot or tired you
are, or how much you want your coworkers to know you’re a master of Rule
#5, zip it up. And follow Rule #22 during said call. Always. Your coworker
won’t understand the cap. If your tan lines are sharp, you may show them on
the call. If not, do not show your arms (see Rule #7). But, only wear a
cycling jersey to a call before, during, or after an outdoor ride.
3. CROOKSY says:
Nov 1 2021 at 4:37 pm
Suggested addition to the list in reference to ebikes:
#96 The only battery to be in contact with your bike is the one used to
power your computer (rule#74). Kapish?
4. Steve Z says:
Nov 2 2021 at 11:45 am
It is hereby humbly suggested that Rule #95 be amended to add a second
exception for when you have just won the most grueling edition of
Paris-Roubaix in recent memory.
5. Angie Rothstein says:
Nov 16 2021 at 2:54 pm
there should be a rule similar to #60 about removing your dork disc (spoke
protector) post haste, or something to that effect.
6. Allen Horrigan says:
Dec 11 2021 at 9:40 am
As Rule #51 was based on a fashion of the time that’s no longer in fashion
should it still be there?
7. Mitchell O Baker says:
Feb 21 2022 at 8:56 am
I have been told that road bikes should not have spoke reflectors – they
are to be removed immediately after the purchase of a new bike. Same with
the plastic shield that is always present around the cassette.
8. Zafrullah Yazid says:
Mar 30 2022 at 7:25 pm
The “Socks” makes the kit. With rule No.14 set in place, the “Sock” is the
last line of defence to honour the Jersey and to shout out to the world
that the legs are insync with the team/advertisements or whatever gibberish
is printed on the Jersey that the whole body is working as a team (unless
of course you are mentally insane, in which case you will be profusely
forgiven for having the wrong matching socks). Therefore I humbly ask the
five “Sifu’s (Oriental word for respected teacher)” that Rule No. 28 be
discussed and deliberated and if found to be true, that “Yes”, any colour
of socks can be worn provided it matches the Jersey. White socks however
are the exception. They are to be held in high regard in respect to the
cyclist of the past like Eddy and can be worn with any kit and deserves a
21 gun salute. Therefore the “Socks” makes the kit.
I’m writing this on my hospital bed recovering from a leg surgery and being
pumped full of pain medication. Therefore if I’m going to get bitch slapped
by anybodies comments, I hereby claim temporary insanity and will don white
socks and claim immunity from “The Keepers of the Cog”. Have a nice day
everyone and don’t forget to enjoy your ride.
9. Lee NOAKES says:
May 10 2022 at 1:30 pm
Rule #30 – Frame mounted pump.
This rule should be withdrawn immediately. There is photographic evidence
of The Prophet MERCKX riding his winter training bike with such an item
attached to it.
This also applies for cycling legend Fausto COPPI. No doubt there is
similar evidence concerning other cycling Gods.
10. Steve Smart says:
May 11 2022 at 5:47 am
Rule suggestion:
The word Bike shall never be preceded with the letter E. That is
blasphemy!
11. Mike Barrett says:
May 12 2022 at 6:15 am
Thinking, some digital rules in this new age … MUST not take a phone call,
including sending or receiving messages. Head Units are for…
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